Mom in Denial, Trying to Talk Me out of It

[Binicorn]

When I came out to my mom that I was bisexual and told her the nature of my feelings about women, she began to gently argue with me that my feelings/desires were "normal" and that many women "admire other women," etc.

I've tried time and again to explain to her that it's more than just admiration and that I've spoken to another bisexual female like me who also prefers men over women, and I told that woman all the reasons I suspected I was bisexual and she agreed wholeheartedly with me.

But Mom refuses to back down. Well, she has stopped arguing, but she still gives me looks like she doesn't believe it's true.

She knows there was a point in my life when I wondered if I was a lesbian, and she knows why (I got turned on by looking at female porn and often fantasized about sucking on women's breasts), so why is it so hard for her to accept that I'm bisexual?

What can I do to get her to accept who (what?) I am? Or is it even worth it if I'm not interested in ever having sex with women, just sneaking admiring glances or appreciating nice asses in movies (Jessica Biel in I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, OMG!) and looking at porn on the Interwebs? I mean, I can look at stuff like that and get turned on and go take care of myself...or look at porn sites with my fuckbuddy and then have sex with him...and no one ever has to know.

As it is, I'm waiting for my dad to die before I start publicly saying things like, "Wow, she's pretty," or "She's hot!" (in appropriate company, of course; you don't say "She's/He's hot!" when you're around the elderly, etc. LOL). Dad is about as homophobic as they come. Both my parents are in their 70s, but Mom is perfectly accepting of (other) homosexuals and Dad thinks homosexuality is disgusting. What an asshole.

So, should I push my mom to accept my sexuality, or should I just let it go because I don't plan on doing anything more with the attraction to females than getting hot and bothered when I look at them?

Thoughts? Comments? Bueller? Bueller?

Thanks for any help.

 

[bankside]

"Thank you for your concern. I'm not going to debate what I know to be true about myself. Love you mom!"

If she's in her 70s, she should be old enough to appreciate that you are an adult. Don't give her any room to doubt it, and she'll fall into line.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Everybody's parents handle a child's coming out differently.

My dad had a very harsh reaction when I came out, and after he cooled off, he got in touch with me about three days later, we had lunch, and things got a bit relaxed... although, it's still not a topic we talk about with each other.

I have a few pieces of advice:

1) Get yourself to a place where you can be OK with an "agree to disagree" relationship with your mom. And share that viewpoint with her.... just let your mom know that you are OK with your believing what she wants to believe, but you are going to be who you are, regardless of she wants you to be.

2) I would strongly recommend telling your father. You have a lot of life ahead of you... Personally, I thought about not coming out to my family until after my parents (specifically my father) passed away. However, he's only 56 now.... I owe it to MYSELF to be honest with my family about who I am. It's not fair to YOU to live in hiding while waiting for someone else's circumstances to change. While I certainly wish no ill-will on anyone, but you said your dad is in his 70s.... it's not unrealistic to think he's got another twenty years left.... do you want to spend the next TWO DECADES keeping your inner-most truth a secret from your family? What will happen when you meet someone that you want to share with your family?

I wish you all the best, and I hope you keep us posted on your progress. Coming out is a journey, and you hit the first fork in the road.... but now the paths you choose are (1) go back in the closet or (2) stay true to who you are, and live your best life.... for yourself.

 

[midnight81]

I'm more curious about why you identify as bisexual and are attracted to women but keep stating that you'll never have any sexual experiences with women and only want to admire them from afar. Why the hesitation with actually acting on your sexuality?

Maybe part of the reason you're so adamant about your mother believing in your bisexuality is that subconsciously you're not sure if you believe in it yourself. If you're not going to pursue sex with the same sex, there has to be either some sort of mental block/shame stopping you, or some bit of doubt that you ACTUALLY want to be with a woman sexually.

Of course you don't have to sleep with someone to know you're sexually attracted to them (in an individual sense or in a broader sense about an entire gender) but the fact that you mentioned so many times that you have no intention of acting on your bisexuality makes me wonder if this is significant to your specific issues.

 

[landers]

Tell your mom you can still give her grandkids.

 

[hylas]

maybe im wrong, but im getting the impression you enjoy sharing details of what turns you on. telling us about your jessica biel fantasy (jessica biel? seriously? that woman is dull as dishwater) is one thing, yet somehow your mother seems to know about your breast-sucking porn, and youre explaining your sexuality to her 'time and again'.

now, i might be way off about this, but maybe youre oversharing. your mother doesnt need to know the details of your sexuality. its enough for her to know more or less where you stand.

im usually the one whos all for being out all the time, to everybody. but in your case... youre not even bisexual enough to act on your bi-fantasies. that doesnt invalidate them, but maybe its not really something your parents need to know about?

im about as gay as they come, and every now and then, a woman pops up in my fantasies. big deal. im not gonna tell my parents about that ("hey mom, yesterday i masturbated to the strangest thing!"). and my parents dont need to know about my many kinks and fetishes either... not because i feel ashamed about it, but simply because i dont want to pester them with the details of my sexlife. and i wouldnt want to know about any of their kinks either!

again, im kinda going out on a limb here, so if im wrong, i apologize. but my point is that you might wanna give your mom some space.

 

[Seasoned]

^I'm a gay man with a son and an daughter and I was going to write pretty much the same thing. Is there something in your sub-conscious that leads you to believe you're on your way to being sexual with a woman and you're wanting to give your mom time to prepare being introduced to a girlfriend?

Perhaps some others who identify as bisexual will weigh in as to how they came out. I told people that I was as I was leaving my marriage, but I'm gay.

Another idea for you is to look for a bisexual support group. I wish you well.