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More Than A Friend

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woosh9013

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I have a friend (he's gay) that I like more than a friend. I would've made a move by now, but we have a really good friendship going, and I don't want it to crumble if he doesn't feel the same way. He ocassionally talks to me about other guys, but he hasn't ever hooked up with anyone yet. I think he's a little shy (I'm more shy than he is though), and he never makes any of moves on the guys he talks about. To further clarify, he only talks about guys that are hitting on him (well the ones he thinks are hitting on him--he usually isn't sure if they're even gay).

He hasn't given me any signs that tell me he's interested in me, but neither have I so... The only thing that peaked my interest was when he said that he realized that I was the only interesting guy he ever talks to. That could be just the friendship side talking, I dunno.

So the question is, how do approach him without ruining the friendship? Any advice?
 
Sounds like your friendship is very strong and you can talk about anything. Since you guys seen to confide in each other I think you could let me know how you feel about him. I think he is dropping hints that there is some kind of connection between you guys.

I do remember a few years ago, a good friend of mine liked me. One day he just started telling how he fells. I was a little surprise because we had known each other for many, many years. I always thought he was quite hot. Well we started dating and things were good. But after a few months, we felt that our relationship was not really going where we thought. So we actually stopped dating, but remained friends. We are still best friends to this day.

If this is what you both want, it will be wonderful. Do not force it. Good luck.
 
Hi woosh, you're right in that this can be tricky insofar as you don't want to jeopardize the friendship.

I know you both are shy, and this trait isn't going to help either one of you in this situation, unfortunately. But, it's still possible to pull this off.

One thing that it will take is some time to massage the conversation. There are a lot of different approaches. One way is to find some time where you'll be together alone--like driving to a distance restaurant or something. Casually slip your hand onto his arm, or playfully squeeze his leg, or massage his neck. See how he reacts. Don't be annoying doing this--just playful or friendly. If you're alone at one of your places, sit close to him; or put your head (face up) in his lap while talking about something. If he doesn't pull away, casually mention something like "I like being close to you" and see what he says/does.

Another thing shy guys have done to test the waters is (in private) start massaging someones neck and back. If they say it feels good, offer to "do the rest" and give them a massage, or offer to massage each other. That can get you both naked, with happy endings, without the awkward of saying something bold like "wanna get naked and get off?"

Lastly, there's always the direct conversation. That might be the hardest to pull off if you're both shy because it can be awkward and something neither of you are used to doing. That would involve saying something like "I like you and, look, neither one of us are seeing anybody, and I'd like to be close to you and get to know all of you better. You're welcome to spend the night with me, if you'd like....."

I don't know if any of these ideas are realistic, or useful, to you or not. I do hope you figure out something, though, because the two of you may very well be on the same wave length--yet, each not knowing how to convey that to the other. That would be a shame.

Let us know what happens!
 
I got into a very similar situation a couple of months back and ended up making a move (I basically just said that I could see things going further). And was turned down - no physical attraction on his part.

I don't regret doing that, because it clarified things for me - I would always have wondered 'what if' if I hadn't. It also hasn't ruined the friendship. In some ways I think it cemented it, because we ended up telling each other that we did matter to each other a lot, in a non-physical way. The only thing I will warn you of is this: if you do get turned down, it may be very painful for you (it was for me - I'm only starting to get over it) and you'll have to work through that pain on your own, without involving your friend. If he turns you down, and you can't handle that, THAT's when you'll risk ruining the friendship.
 
Just be hypothetical. Just say, "Hypothetically, if we weren't friends and you were meeting me for the first time, would you go out with me? I would go out with you..." or something like that. In other words, be casual about it so you don't surprise him or freak him out.
 
Thank you all for the great advice. I think I'll make a move the next time I'm hanging out with him alone, but I'll do it casually. I'm just dying to know how he feels. I definitely won't be crushed or anything like that if he doesn't feel the same. I'm actually more anxious not knowing how he feels. I can't get him out of my head lately.
 
Hmm... I'm not sure when I'll be able to talk with him alone, and I'm dying to know.

I was thinking about talking to him on AIM saying something like this:

  • hey i want to tell/ask you something.
  • ok well... i like you, and i want to know if that feeling is mutual.
  • if it's not, then i completely understand. i just feel like i need some clarification.

Does that sound ok? Is asking him AIM not a good idea in general?
 
AIM isn't the best place for this sort of thing. It's best done on the phone or (better) in person. I know it sounds harder, but you'll get a much better idea as to how he feels if he's actually there with you. You won't have to wonder "what does this mean" or "was he kidding about this".

Your comments are fine. Your middle one might be phrased a bit better. "I've been giving a lot of thought to us becoming a bit more than friends. Would that be something you'd be interested in trying?"

Lex
 
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