More Than Friends?

[jkearson]

Alright, so I'm new, but I've been reading on the JUB forum for a while. Basically, this is my story.
I have this friend, that this past year I've got pretty close to. We've told each other things that we haven't told anyone else. I'm not gay, pretty sure I'm just bi, because he's the only guy I've ever liked. I never told him, though. I always assumed he was straight. He'd play around though, like he'd smack my ass or say things dealing with getting intimate with other guys, I guess just to be funny. So around four weeks ago, I took a chance and told him the basics about how I felt about him. He didn't say much, so I thought I screwed up and apologized and said how I didn't mean to ruin anything and how much I valued his friendship. He said we were cool and everything was fine. But after that, it was all different. He wouldn't play-flirt or say things like he used to. We still talk and hang out like nothing happened, but there's always this "awkwardness" when we're together.
I guess my question is, what do you think's going on, and is there any way to fix this?

 

[HunterM]

Facts:
1. You two were close friends.
2. You told him how you felt.
3. You apologized to him.
4. Although he said he's cool with it. But his actions speak differently.

You did not ruin the friendship. He's the one who has the problem. He's not mature enough to handle the news. It's all fun and game when it's his fantasy. Now he has to deal with reality. He does not know how.

Give him space. It's good that you both still hang out. However, if the awkwardness is always there, why bother? Clearly you don't enjoy it, and he might not enjoy it either. Distance yourself from him for a while (3 to 6 months). Give him time and space to process his thoughts. Don't force it, or you will push him further away.

Make new friends. Keep in touch with him though, but don't wait for him to turn around. Move on with life.

 

[Seasoned]

You essentially told him to stop teasing you by being honest with him. I think that's all that's happening. Somewhere down the line you can have another chat if he distances himself, but I think he's a smart guy, sensitive and respectful of you.

 

[Georgiadude]

Welcome to jub.

you took a shot and were honest with him. he didn't flip out, didn't tell you to leave him alone or beat the hell out of you. he's still interested in being friends and nothing more. be glad you still have him as a friend. things will probably get back to "normal" in due time. give him a little space and let him process things. it will just take some time. you could have a talk with him. let him know you appreciate him still being your friend and that you feel the awkwardness when your together. he's probably picking up on it too. could just get it out in the open and try to get past it. Im a talker. I like to get things out in the open and not let things hang over your heads. not everyone is comfortable with that.

you can just give it some time and let things settle down. odds are it will slowly return to what it was like. just take it as him being himself and not flirting with you. good luck. sounds like you have a good friend.

Steven.

 

[rjmrjm21]

I agree with the above comments but I think you are leading yourself on. I doubt he will have an epiphany one day and say "all this time, I've felt the same way. let's fuck and be boyfriends." Not happening. I'd keep it friendly and that's all.

 

[dhchitown1984]

jkearson: I have to say, I'm very impressed with your mature approach.... because you were honest. You didn't play some weird game to find out if he's gay or bi, or interested; you didn't try to put him in some uncomfortable situation to tell you anything he either a) isn't into guys or b) doesn't want to say it yet. Good for you!

It will still be a little awkward for a bit, but things will smooth over. He just needs to "get over it" and I don't mean that in a negative way. Give him time, your friendship will be back on track soon.

Best of luck!

 

[jkearson]

Thanks a lot you guys, I really do appreciate it.
So I haven't talked to him for two and a half weeks. And he just now texted me and said "Hey".
What should I say? Should I just say Hey back and have a normal conversation?

 

[HunterM]

Yes, text him back "Hey, what's up?" Since he initiated it, try to have a normal conversation. Keep us posted.

 

[makeurowndstny]

Just be normal and talk to him. You don't want to make it anymore than it seems. He may just be in shock of your admitting your feelings to him

 

[jkearson]

Thanks to everyone for the replies, I really do appreciate it.
So here's the updates:
I haven't been around/hung out with him, or even seen him, since mid-May. The only time he's spoken to me was that "Hey" that he sent me back in early June. I texted back, but he never replied. Since then, I've only texted him twice, just saying "Hey" or "What's up" or something. Or I've sent him a message on Facebook IM just saying Hey as well. And he's never replied back. Not once. I don't know what to do. We've been apart for nearly three months, with sporadic "hey"s every few weeks or so from me, but nothing has changed. But like I said, he was seriously my best guy friend. We've talked about deep secrets and were extremely tight. I just want to make it better. I want to change it to back before I said those things. I need to make everything right, but I don't know how. It seriously hurts knowing he's not around for me anymore. We'd swore we'd always have each others' backs, but it doesn't seem that way anymore and it feels like a part of me is missing. Can anyone help, please?

 

[texan_slant]

It's not realistic to beat yourself up over this. You did the right thing in being completely honest with him.

It's not realistic to expect that friendships can stay static, nor can all friendships last forever;

There is no way you can control his reaction; it's not your responsibility to make everything "right".

All it can take change in circumstance, or life, and the dynamics shift. This isn't the fault of any one person, but it's just that you are now dealing with the truth and so is he.

Unfortunately, there is nothing else you can do, but give him space, and see if time will tell.

 

[azndude89]

Personally, I would be up front. You don't want to give him too much space that the next time you guys do hang out, it'll be awkward (even though initially it would be). and if you guys dont hang out for a long ass time, you're bound to lose the close friendship. Ask him out if he wants to go to a bar, or do something you guys usually do (did) and try to rekindle the friendship again. You guys were best friends. you can be honest with him that nothing will come out of the friendship if that's what he's concerned about. But that's my advice.

 

[hollywooder18]

It was really strange reading the things you posted because the damn near exact same thing happened to me when I was in high school.

Got feelings for my best friend, sort of told him, he said it'd all be the same, things slowly started to get worse and over the few years after we kind of had a "phase" friendship where we'd hang out a few months, then take a few months off with no speaking.

I honestly had such strong feelings for the guy and now looking back on it, I realize it wasn't worth it at all and am was extremely happy once I moved on from the fantasy I was imagining. Yeah it hurt to lose such a good friend, but in the end it really was for the best because it was unhealthy to have feelings for him and still spend so much time with him. Today we're still friends, with no feelings between us and it definitely feels right. Like the above poster said, try hanging out and doing things like you used to and get the friendship back on good terms.

If you can somehow move on from him, I'd say that'd be your best option. I know you may not think so, but time away from him will affect the feelings you have towards him, and they will fade. Try moving your feelings to a new guy/girl who will actually care for you back and over time, it will get easier. Down the road you may become close with your friend again, and you may still wonder about being with him, but your friendship should be more important and it'll work out.

 

[Georgiadude]

Im sorry to say but if you've tried for 3 months and he hasn't replied, he's probably not going to. initially it sounded like things were ok but obviously he can't get past the thought of you having feelings for him. it's not your fault. you did the right thing by being honest with him. he's the one choosing to end the friendship. not you. I know it hurts but you can't make someone be your friend.

you could try sending one more email telling him you'd still like to be friends, you miss him company and would like to try and get back to the friendship you had. unfortunately the ball is in his court and you cant force him to do anything. if he doesn't reply then obviously he's chosen to end things and you need to move on.

dont blame yourself for what happened. you were honest with him and that's part of being a true friend. I think he got scared and can't deal with it so he's decided to end the friendship. He should be adult enough to tell you though. the disappearing act is something a child does. not an adult friend.

sorry it worked out this way but you really did do the right thing.

Steven.

 

[jkearson]

I just wish he would say SOMETHING. I mean, it's bad enough if he wants to end the friendship, but I'd at least like to know. When he doesn't say anything back, it makes me feel even worse, like he can't even stand the idea of talking to me. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
It's just.. like, he would sort of "drop hints" or do things that would come off to me as him being somewhat interested in me or something. And like I said, I've never liked a guy before, but I had some sort of feelings for him. And I didn't want to go through life regretting that I never told him my feelings, wondering if he really did feel the same. But now I regret telling him. Each option had the chance of regret, so I guess I'd rather have it this way.
I mean, I just want to be friends. I don't want anything else out of our friendship. And I told him that.
And thank you, hollywooder18. I completely get what you mean. I want to have what you have: a simply "friend" relationship with him. Because our friendship is definitely more important than any feelings I have/had for him.
That's what I'm afriad of, azndude89: I don't want to lose the friendship, but I don't know what I can do to rekindle it, or get everything back on good terms.
I guess that's what I need to try to do. I need to attempt to get things back on good terms. But I have no idea how to do that.

 

[jkearson]

Oh, and there's one more thing that I never really had the courage to say, but I think I'll finally say it:
Around, oh I don't know, March, I got this text from an anonymous number. It was hidden. And it was a picture mail message. When I opened it, I was pretty surprised.
It was him. And another guy. The other guy's face was blurred out. They were both shirtless, and had their shorts pulled down, and they were both hard and holding their dicks.
I never found out who this anonymous person was. They did converse with me for a little while, though. Of course the first question I asked was who it was, but I never got a reply. I asked when this happened. They said last summer. I asked how it happened, and whoever it was said that they had both been drinking a little and it just happened. Then I asked what all happened. They said all that happened was that picture, and they made out a little.
THIS is one of the reasons I told him somewhat how I felt about him. I've felt it for a while, and like I said, he'd play-flirt and stuff, but this is definitely what pushed me to do what I did.
I never told him about the picture. If he's distant (or not so distant) friends with the guy in the picture, why would I want to ruin ANOTHER friendship?
But I mean the picture, along with all of the other (what I thought were) hints, kind of pushed me beat around the bush about my feelings for him.

 

[shainski]

How old are you? How long have you known each other? and what kinds of things did you do together?

It seems to me that you have four choices.

1) You can continue the way things are, hoping at some point he texts you something about doing something together again.

2) You can forget about this friendship and just go on without him.

3) You can send him an innocent message. "Hey, we haven't seen each other all summer. Would you be up for [insert the kind of activity that you two have done together]? If he agrees to this, then just behave as you always used to - without any threatening "talks". Just be fun and aboveboard.

4) You can lay it all on the line - exactly what you have been feeling - how it is bothering you and how you wish you could just reestablish the friendship that you once had.

Given those options, i would do 3. I would make it sound like it has been no big deal - i haven't been counting the minutes since we last communicated - but i noticed that we haven't gotten together in a while - and i would suggest something that we could do. A baseball game? a bike ride? dinner? whatever it was that was common to you. Then if he agreed, i would start simply - "How's your mom doing? Are you still at that awful job? Is your brother still dating that cheerleader? whatever. Let him know in a nonthreatening way that the relationship does not have to change. You are not about to attack him. (Don't physically say this - just do it by keeping it light. If the conversation is going to get heavier - let him take you in that direction. You can always get deeper at later opportunities - but leave the first couple times you get together to be lighthearted events.

He might be threatened that you are gay. He may be terrified that he is gay. he may feel that your gayness may rub off on him - either by association or literally. He might not know how to act around you. He may not be able to deal with any of these things right now. By leaving the door open to your friendship, you leave open the opportunity to explore what it is that is bothering him (way down the road).

good luck - whatever path you take!

 

[jkearson]

I think I'm gonna do a combination of 1 and 3. I really can't see any other options.
But like I said, the thing that seriously threw me through a loophole was the picture, the anonymous text.. I mean, it just complicates everything so much.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I mean, I just want to be friends. I don't want anything else out of our friendship. And I told him that.
... I want to have what you have: a simply "friend" relationship with him. Because our friendship is definitely more important than any feelings I have/had for him.
That's what I'm afriad of, azndude89: I don't want to lose the friendship, but I don't know what I can do to rekindle it, or get everything back on good terms.
I guess that's what I need to try to do. I need to attempt to get things back on good terms. But I have no idea how to do that.

...It was him. And another guy. The other guy's face was blurred out. They were both shirtless, and had their shorts pulled down, and they were both hard and holding their dicks.
...THIS is one of the reasons I told him somewhat how I felt about him. I've felt it for a while, and like I said, he'd play-flirt and stuff, but this is definitely what pushed me to do what I did.

You're not being completely honest with yourself here. Your feelings for this guy are complicated- something that is not unusual for close male friends, even straight close male friends.

There's a difference between telling one of your close friends that you have same-sex attractions versus telling a close friend that you have attractions to them.

Telling a friend that you are attracted to them has all sorts of ramifications whether the friend is male or female. And when you add the "gay" issue to this already-complicated situation, how could you expect your friend not to feel like he was being put into an uncomfortable situation? Look at this from his view-

• If he's not attracted to you and is turned off by the idea of "gay stuff", then he wouldn't want to be around you for fear you would put him into an uncomfortable situation.
• If he is attracted to you but is struggling with his own sexuality issues, then he wouldn't be around you because you bring up the sexuality issues that he's trying to avoid.

The truth is that you told him that you were attracted to him because you kinda hoped that he was attracted to you and something more might come out of it. You took a gamble but you might have risked it all in the process.

Something that you learn about male friends is that they have to do things on their own schedule. You can't drag them into conversations or situations that they are not ready to have.

The best that you can do at this point is find a way to say, "I consider you my closest friend and I would never do anything to lose that friendship. I understand that you need some space right now but I hope that we can get back to being friends again. You know how to reach me when you're ready to talk- I'll always be here for you to listen because I'm your friend".

And then give him time and space... but know that he may never be ready to have that conversation, or it may be a while.

 

[Seasoned]

You two promised to be best friends forever. I think it's time for the assertive confrontation. Communicate to him that you miss hanging out and that you'd like him to spill his guts.

I personally don't think it's ever beneficial telling a friend you're willing to explore something more with them. Even if a friend is bi or gay it doesn't mean they see me as a potential fb or partner anymore than I regard all of my gay friends as potential partners.

I think most people have boundaries regarding friends and that is something inherent which allows for friendship. My theory is the the closeted guy is more likely to develop attraction to friends in the hopes that the friend shares the same secret. I think in actuality this is a reaction to the fear of coming out. If the attraction were mutual then the two friends could form their closeted relationship and face the world together.

In actuality, if the "spark" was coming from both guys the "explosion" would have already occurred.

I hope he allows for a renewal of your friendship or at least closure. You might try exploring what I wrote and if any of it fits be honest and tell him, that you saw it as an easy way out if he had been struggling with the same issue, that you saw a picture which led you to believe he was in the same boat, that it was a crush which you have gotten over, and that you'd like him as a close friend and nothing more. Good luck.