most efficient poison?

[gavin89]

I went all through high school without making a single friend... It was horrible... I felt alone each and every single day for 3 years.... I didn't even try to make the first step because I didnt think it'd matter....

I even lost contact with my only 2 childhood friends... And my parents are homophobes... I truly and wholeheartedly
hated my life...

I thought about killing myself countless times... I started cutting my arms with a knife and cry while doing it....

I was so fed up once that I opened a bottle of pills and started emptying it in my mouth... but I just couldn't go on with it.... I slammed it against the wall and cried my eyes out....

I really really thought that I'd NEVER get out of it... Nobody knew I was gay and everyone around me was a homophobe... But I just kept living my sad unfulfilled life one day at a time....

Until 2 years ago - after about 5 years of depression - I met this guy... we started talking and soon I realized he was gay-friendly.. I came out to him soon after and we've been best friends since....

He is so far the only person I can absolutely trust...The one person I can really be myself around... And I still sometimes feel depressed and want to come out and be myself with other people.... But I know that I'll always have him...

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.... it will get better... nothing lasts forever... I know exactly how you feel.. trust me... Don't do it... You still have your whole life ahead of you.... Don't think about killing yourself... cry if you have to.. yell, scream, smash things against the wall.... and better of all, talk to a therapist....

And you should know that you can always count on all of us here.... JUB helped me a lot through my teen years - although technically, it was "illegal" for me to log on to the forum...

Almost all of us have been where you are...And we're all ready to talk... Just take it one day at a time and find someone to talk you... you can start with one of us if you like (perhaps me.. )

Take care and keep coming back...

 

[ShyOne89]

I went all through high school without making a single friend... It was horrible... I felt alone each and every single day for 3 years.... I didn't even try to make the first step because I didnt think it'd matter....

I even lost contact with my only 2 childhood friends... And my parents are homophobes... I truly and wholeheartedly
hated my life...

I thought about killing myself countless times... I started cutting my arms with a knife and cry while doing it....

I was so fed up once that I opened a bottle of pills and started emptying it in my mouth... but I just couldn't go on with it.... I slammed it against the wall and cried my eyes out....

I really really thought that I'd NEVER get out of it... Nobody knew I was gay and everyone around me was a homophobe... But I just kept living my sad unfulfilled life one day at a time....

Until 2 years ago - after about 5 years of depression - I met this guy... we started talking and soon I realized he was gay-friendly.. I came out to him soon after and we've been best friends since....

He is so far the only person I can absolutely trust...The one person I can really be myself around... And I still sometimes feel depressed and want to come out and be myself with other people.... But I know that I'll always have him...

So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.... it will get better... nothing lasts forever... I know exactly how you feel.. trust me... Don't do it... You still have your whole life ahead of you.... Don't think about killing yourself... cry if you have to.. yell, scream, smash things against the wall.... and better of all, talk to a therapist....

And you should know that you can always count on all of us here.... JUB helped me a lot through my teen years - although technically, it was "illegal" for me to log on to the forum...

Almost all of us have been where you are...And we're all ready to talk... Just take it one day at a time and find someone to talk you... you can start with one of us if you like (perhaps me.. )

Take care and keep coming back...

good for you. You were 19 when you made friend. Im 21 without perspectives. You are lucky, i am not

ive managed to get 3 packs of sertraline, and its my backup plan right now. If anything else fails, im done with my life.

 

[Croynan]

Please read this tread in Hot Topics Forum - Special Comment: "It Really, Really Does Get Better."​

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

eM.

 

[jackoroe]

Shyone89, first let me welcome you to JUB. I think you've come to a place where people care about you and that's a first step. Every life has value. You may not think your life does, but you are wrong.

You've gotten some wonderful advice from some very knowledgeable people. I don't think anyone here is willing or qualified to make a diagnosis based on what you've posted. But you seem depressed for sure. And there are some wonderful medications which will make you feel just great if that's what you need.

But you'll never know unless you take that first step and try to get some help. If that's what you need, let me tell you what to expect. They don't work overnight, but in about a months time, life becomes something you look forward to and not dread. You won't fear human contact, you'll enjoy it. You'll enjoy food, sunlight, clouds and the smell of spring. You'll sleep well at night. It's truly miraculous what medicine can do today.

Get yourself better and then you can work on your social skills. They aren't going to get any better as long as you are depressed. You've got plenty of people to talk to right here. Not in person, but close enough. We're not judgmental of you. We just want to see you better and happy.

Don't worry about your lack of life accomplishments at 21. You haven't had a chance to live yet. Some of the most interesting people I know haven't decided what they want to be when they grow up and they're 40 years old. So, don't be so hard on yourself!

Just promise us you'll get to a doctor and talk to him. Let us know how you make out. And don't forget that you have people who care about you here. If you want to rap or just get something off your chest, PM me. OK?

 

[bankside]

ShyOne, a few thoughts about your plan.

If you broke your leg, you'd go to a doctor and have them deal with it. You would not hop around on a broken leg by yourself waiting for it to get better. And you would not blame yourself if you couldn't walk on your own. And you would not give up if you couldn't run a marathon.

Right now, everything in your posts screams loud and clear that your ability to feel happiness and calm is about as healthy as a broken leg. But you're blaming yourself (and maybe some others too, you mentioned your history growing up). And at the same time you're expecting yourself to just be able to deal with it, never feel failure or frustration again. Asking your brain to give you that on demand is like asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon.

You need a doctor's help to feel well about things, just as you would if you had a broken leg. On-going support. Just like physiotherapy.

Where'd you get the medication, btw? Did a doctor prescribe it for you? You need to take it only as directed. A doctor would be counting on you to do that. If you are not sure you can handle only taking them as prescribed, flush them, throw them out the window, get rid of them now, and go tell the doc what you did and why.

If you didn't get this stuff from a doctor, then get rid of it. There are so many different kinds of medication that you can't just try one to see what effect it has on your brain.

You've told us how you feel, and you know your feelings aren't working the way you know they should. You need to go to a doctor very soon. Do you have a GP? If not, where is the nearest emergency ward?

 

[jdcnow]

Please read this tread in Hot Topics Forum - Special Comment: "It Really, Really Does Get Better."​

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

eM.

Mmwwaaaa!, Croynan

I just finished a follow-up. Click here to go read it.

 

[looseliam]

The amount of sertraline you have won't do anything. Throw it away.

Have you contacted your local GP? Is your surgery open for walk-ins?

 

[burke67]

ShyOne,

Read and re-read the good advice offered by your friends here on JUB.

You mentioned you've got a high metabolism... I'm going to presume that means you eat anything, and everything and don't gain weight... I, at 42, could still wear clothing I'd worn in High School due to the same high metabolism.

I visited several GP's over the years and none ever found any issues with my thyroid... your issue may not be thyroid related; it would be very worthwhile having it checked though.

In late 2009 I changed GPs and laid out the attached note to her; she had my blood tested and, while my Thyroid levels (specifically TSH) were Low-Normal; she felt given my history and my family's history that we should pursue a low-dose of Synthroid. That small .025 dosage pill changed my life. EVERYTHING got better.

The Thyroid manages all the bodies functions and systems (even brain chemistry); if it's levels are wonky any number of issues will crop up and potentially mask the underlying issue.

Please do discuss where you are with your GP and keep in touch with your friends here on JUB!

Your friend,

Brian


I posted this recently on another Gay Forum:

I've known I was gay since I was 13.

At 13, 1980, I moved to another province and began attending “Hick-High”.
I pretty much tooled along 'til 1994. School, secondary-education, doing work....
While working in London, ON (Feb. 4, 1994, 10:15AM) , I was the passenger in a company car that was hit by a car crossing the median on the 401 near Woodstock, ON. I woke up in the ambulance leaving the scene. The driver; Nic, my friend and coworker, never woke up.​

Cue survivor's-guilt and PTSD.

I tooled along into depression trying to be brave.
Over the next year I purposefully sabotaged my position and was actually grateful when they let me go.
I worked in a bar and lived off an inheritance for the next two years.
I next attended a diploma course and acquired my MCSE.
After acquiring the certification I moved back home and began looking for work.
Shortly after coming back, I started IT contract work with a wholesale corporation's warehouses.
One year into this contract work I was offered contact work with the wholesaler's corporate IT group.
A year into that contract work I was feeling low and chose not to renew my month-to-month contact.
Six months later I was offered full-time IT corporate work with the wholesaler.
Eight years later I was downsized and payed-out by the wholesaler.
Through my time with the wholesaler my depression ebbed and flowed. I was, at the end, into bedrock and actively seeking dynamite to go deeper. The downsizing wanted dead-wood and that I was.
I took my cash buy-out and purchased a motorcycle. I lived for three years riding and distracting myself from my depressed state.
I was on Paxil for the last six years; to minimal effect.​

So, that is all as it was...

Last Dec. (2009) I changed GPs and had my blood Thyroid levels tested . The results were in the low normals. The GP; familiar with the family medical history, suggested a small dose of thyroid meds to see if we might elevate the levels a bit.
Dec. 13, 2009 9AM - Five days into my thyroid meds... My head rebooted... the fog and depression lifted. I sat on a friend's couch and literally "leveled-up" within myself. He was freaked; as was I.
The kicker here is that all the way back to late H/S I was never active sexually. I knew what I liked; there was just never any "need" though. "Asexual" would fit the bill nicely.
Over these years I've had co-workers and roommates that I've had the classic "straight-crush" for. Those "crushes" always became platonic friendships. Many are still good friends.
Hindsight; being 20-20, shows that my mental want for sex never manifested as a libido! I never got horny!, I got bloody fucking migraines! Never did put 2 and 2 together there! My brain and gonads never completed the feedback loop; thus migraines.
All that changed after Dec. 13, 2009... It was literally WTF!? What's this feeling!? I've never felt this before!?
My thyroid condition had severed my link to the base carnal instincts. I never ate, slept, or experienced fear properly really... I just kind of existed!
Add the depression with it's lack of emotional response; and I'm actually quite surprised that I'm still here, and that I have not left a trail of situations I feel guilt over throughout my past. There are some, we've all got them. Just feel it could have been much worse.
I will not deny that the 20 year hole in my past made me angry.
It is what it is though.​

Follow-on to this;

I've based my friendships on bad initial foundations. That's OK! The progressions into true friendship firmed things up and all's good there.
It is intimacy and it's much more complex relationships that are baffling me now. I never caught sexual clues, flirting made my hair move, short of someone jumping my bones I was platonic and asexual. Even having my bones jumped elicited no response...she wasn't my type anyway!
The past year has been a roller-coaster of emotions and experiences. I've experienced profound sadness and been happy to be feeling it. I've experienced intimacy and been grateful for its pleasures. Life goes on in a much better light.
The Paxil is gone and there has been no recurrence of depression; it was real, just a symptom of the thyroid issue though.
This tale written by a 43 year old with the emotional and intimacy make up of an 18-20 year old. It's not so much sad as absurd.
Life goes well; energy, a clear head, enjoyment, and fun allow me to keep the above in perspective and move forward.​

Thanks for reading.​

 

[TNniceguy]

ShyOne... PLEASE PLEASE don't try to harm yourself. I love you. We all love you. No matter what, you were made beautiful. You are one of a kind and that alone makes you special.

We have all had our own unique circumstances and struggles that have brought us to the point that we feel alone and unable to continue. Our brain plays tricks on us and there are medications that can help change that. Just as important, there are people where you live that can help you and give you options. You can do it. You are young and just beginning life.

I'm 41 years old, overweight, balding, gay, WAAY back in the closet, depressed.... and the list can go on. I didn't meet my best friend until about 3 years ago. Every time I talk to him, he tells me that I am the hardest person to get to know because I shut people out (and he is right). He has stuck with me despite my stubbornness.

Like others have said, you are a special person. You have so much life ahead of you and don't rob someone of a chance to know and love you. Be a survivor and give us a chance to help and love you. WE CARE ABOUT YOU.

 

[TNniceguy]

Has anyone heard from ShyOne? Ive had him on my mind and I'm worried for him.

 

[jackoroe]

^ He was signed on this evening, so he's been lurking.

 

[evanrick]

I am not an expert but this is just what I feel sometimes when I feel like life is not worth living...

I recognize my pain. I say to myself "this is causing me pain, I want it to stop, and will do anything except hurting myself to make it stop"

Whether is be emotional pain, physical pain I identify it and then seek relief.

Get at the source of your pain.

I have read some of your posts, and you are more of a survivalist than you realize. Your mere being here shows that you are an intelligent and capable young person.

Also, I would make sure you have the symptoms of depression and a diagnosis before going on something like sertraline.

Things like...

do you have trouble sleeping?
are you losing weight or gaining weight?
have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy?

Anti-depressants may make you "feel" happier but they wont "cure" your pain, only make them more tolerable. Its my feeling that depression is caused over many years of physical/mental anguish and is a natural response to that.

 

[MarquisOrias]

Has anyone heard from ShyOne? Ive had him on my mind and I'm worried for him.

I know I'm going to sound like a dick, but I'm not worried for this guy at all. It's pretty obvious he's screaming for attention by posting this in a gay focused forum as opposed to a properly related forum, and intentionally in the wrong area (he should have posted in the health and wellbeing if anything). I've seen posts like these before on other boards, it's always a cry for help. People who actually are dead set on suiciding don't make public announcements days/weeks prior. They just do it in a spontaneous moment or silently plan ahead.
Also is the fact that all he's doing is reading peoples posts and replying back with words along the lines of "Yeah see how your life turned around? Mine will never". He wants sympathy and attention, but at the same time he is rejecting it.

I've been in his shoes. I've felt rock bottom, I wanted to off myself every single day between 18 and 23. I wanted to drive my car that much faster that day so I could slam into a telegraph pole. I wanted to jump in front of a train. Blah blah blah. So you're not exactly alone in that sense. Everyone who's posted in this thread has and can relate.


To the OP : You need help. I'm not going to give you a sob story about life and how amazing it is since I certainly do not feel that way about it, also because I know it's different for everyone, depending on what pair of emotional shades they have on that day. My life is still a load of butts, I'm still not out at 25 since doing so will cause me to be homeless and jobless (very homophobic area), never had a relationship, I still have a shitty job and I'm back in school with 19 year old classmates who I don't relate much to, but you know what? Over time I slowly decided that I'm not going to be depressed about how I was born because others are too "grossed out" by it. I don't give a crap anymore, let them think what they want. I didn't ask to be born but here I am, deal with it. My life hasn't changed, I am just no longer depressed, so negative days are not as amplified as they used to be.
Did you know left handed people were treated the same way we gays were, hundreds of years ago? Left handers were the cause of earthquakes/fires/tsunamis, and were leading us into hell. People got over it. Then it was the blacks, people got over it. Now it's the gays and muslims. Next it will be people who wear donuts for hats, and then after that all people who own poodles and crossbreed them with Saint Bernards to make mega dogs.


Go to a doctor/psych/whatever and get help from people who actually have dealt with people who are depressed and suicidal. It could be a chemical imbalance which means you're not really meant to feel how you are feeling, but your body is pumping you with the wrong chemicals that make you feel sad. Did you ever think about that? Ever think that it's not actually your fault?

Doctors don't sit there laughing to themselves saying "HAHA WHAT A LOSER I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS DUDE!" when someone tells them they're depressed, they take it seriously. Unfortunately in our society we have this stigma of "If you're not physically sick then you're just making it up". So many people are mentally ill and unstable but feel ashamed to seek it out.

That, or keep reading this thread, then telling people how your life is soooo much worse than theirs, and have an infinitely looping conversation.

( Mods : if my post is out of line in any way, I apologize , feel free to remove it)

 

[ShyOne89]

Im still here. My mood is swinging between hopeful and suicidal. If something is going happen it will happen night.
I feel sort of fine during the day, and really bad during the evening and night.

do you have trouble sleeping?
are you losing weight or gaining weight?
have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy?

- yes
- losing, probably as i havent eaten for over a week
- i used to enjoy things like watching movies and doing other stuff, alone. I hate it right now, cant stand 10 minutes being alone

Go to a doctor/psych/whatever and get help from people who actually have dealt with people who are depressed and suicidal. It could be a chemical imbalance which means you're not really meant to feel how you are feeling, but your body is pumping you with the wrong chemicals that make you feel sad. Did you ever think about that? Ever think that it's not actually your fault?

ive been to doctor, he gave me some drugs and counselling appointment, but 1 month from now!
Its not chemical imbalance, ive always felt that something is wrong with me, but this feeling never really took over. Well, actually it did, about 3 years ago. And thats what makes me depressed. I felt exactly like i feel now, but my life returned to previous state. If i would get some help back then, some encouragement that there are other things worth living for, i would be ok in getting along with people. Instead of solutions i got words of comfort, and ignorance from people i kinda trusted. So i defaulted to what i used to be
Now i wont make this mistake over, and i dont want to feel better untill my life takes a turn. If i dont make it, and one night will be too hard for me, i die, thats a risk i have to take.
Internet forum is probably not the best place i should be right now, because i probably wont meet anyone of you ever, but im here for as many advices as i can get. Im in contact with few members wich proven to be very helpful and im grateful for that.

I have read some of your posts, and you are more of a survivalist than you realize. Your mere being here shows that you are an intelligent and capable young person.

I am a survivalist, but so what? Life is not about just surviving. Always i did things to survive, while others had fun.
I spent much time alone, happy that 'nothing will happen to me', while others were going out, partying and dating. Things that make others happy were unknown to me, and nearly impossible to do. I am not either intelligent or young, i look 10 years older than i actually am, and my iq is average.

I'm 41 years old, overweight, balding, gay, WAAY back in the closet, depressed.... and the list can go on. I didn't meet my best friend until about 3 years ago. Every time I talk to him, he tells me that I am the hardest person to get to know because I shut people out (and he is right). He has stuck with me despite my stubbornness.

Sorry to hear that, but you must have something that you like. Anything that makes you happy. You dont feel alone and your not.

 

[TNniceguy]

ShyOne... I am so glad you posted. I was worried for you. When I was your age and up until my late 30's, I felt alone. I had my parents but absolutely zero close friends. Certainly none that I felt comfortable with talking to about things.

I can't know how you feel as I'm not you. But what we do have in common is the fact that we all had situations and circumstances that have brought us to low points in our lives.

I will check my PM's daily for awhile. If you want to PM me, I would love to talk with you.

 

[Daximus]

You could always try some Charlie Sheen.

*It's a joke/mood lifter people!

 

[Zaphod]

You think what kind of help will i get?
It wont fix my life, im 21 and did nothing in my life. I havent even finished school
The most painfull thing is that im alone, i dont know the reason, possibly im brain damaged and cant make a friend even if i get all the help in the world.
People just dont like me, i cant make smalltalk, cant even start conversation. There is something wrong with me, and there is no way of changing it.
Survival of the fittest, too bad im not one of them. Of course i can live like this, but whats the point. I dont have anything good from life, only constant struggle and problems.
So help is a good idea for someone with 'problems', but what is the temporary problem/crysis for one person is a way of life for me. I do not fit into this world, my existance is just wrong and unless this change by miracle i feel a need to end it. I feel like a machine, i see people around laughing, having fun, being together, and i just cant do that.
If i try and make first step, it might work, but after first step there is another and another, each of them harder as people know me better and sense im 'incompatible'. Sooner of later im rejected, ignored. Ive tried coming along with people in work places (yes, i worked in many places, cant saty on one because of reasons above) and its the same history over and over again. If i wont be rejected at start, i will be in the next few days. After a week everyone will ignore me at best, worst case scenario is they will insult me and make me feel bad.

So you see, suicide is a way of fixing this problem. Unless you know of technology wich can alter my brain, its the only viable solution.

All of this is stuff a therapist could help you with. I am one, so I know.

You may (an I could be wrong here) have trouble making friends because you have poor social skills. Social skill can be learned, and a therapist can help you do that.

Poor social skills are just that, skills you don't have, but can get. It doesn't mean you are a bad person, and it doesn't mean you are not lovable. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get help

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

I'll keep you in my prayers. 21 is just the beginning of your life. You have SO much time to turn it around and live a prosperous and fulfilling life with someone special who's going to care about you.

Please read what your fellow JUB'ers are telling you. Read their posts well. Relax and let it sink in. People DO care about you. You are NOT worthless. We're all put on this earth for a reason, you just have to figure out what your purpose is.

Best,
Drew