Moving beyond therapy

[Nubajon]

A years ago I went into therapy. I was suffering from a bad breakup from my boyfriend that I couldn't get over and was struggling with depression.My therapist did an excellent job and I got over my problem. I saw him every week for a year. As often happens in such situations I feel in love with my therapist. Nothing inappropriate happened between us and he established strong therapeutic boundaries.
During our last session together I told him about my feelings and he expressed similar feelings for me but stated we had to wait 5 years before we could act on these feelings.
Over the years I've thought about him and I missed him but life moved on and I had no further contact with him.
A couple of days ago I got a mysterious friend request on Facebook and I accepted out curiosity. It turned out to be him - he sent me his email and asked that I write him and give him my contact information. I did and he wrote back stating he would delete the Facebook account and he only opened it to find me. He said he couldn't have an account because of privacy issues and he would call me.
He called last night. He told me he had never forgotten me and he still feels deeply attached to me on a spiritual level. He asked if we could get together and start a new and different relationship. I'm meeting him for dinner tomorrow night. He is physically very handsome. He's also wildly successful professionally - He could have almost anyone he wants.
I'm excited but have some apprehension. Do you think going forward with this is appropriate? It has been over 5 years but during our therapy together I divulged my deepest and darkest secrets and I really know nothing about him. Also I am a disaster when it come to romantic relationships. I've never had one that worked because I tend to get obsessive and crazy. I don't want that to happen again.
Any feedback you guys could give me would be deeply appreciated.

 

[vidarr]

Do you feel you're ready to have another person in your life?

If you are obsessive like you say you will end up running into the same problems, no matter who you date.
I hope you got some answers from the therapy. I am going through the same of finding my problems and fixing them.
It needs to be done before you can move on to dating a new guy.

 

[racer2438]

Tread lightly, or you could be in for another down fall that he could trigger.

don't open up to him very much, be guarded with your self...

or be ready for more therapy sessions

 

[Nubajon]

Do you feel you're ready to have another person in your life?

If you are obsessive like you say you will end up running into the same problems, no matter who you date.
I hope you got some answers from the therapy. I am going through the same of finding my problems and fixing them.
It needs to be done before you can move on to dating a new guy.

Thanks very much for you input. To be honest I don't know if I'm ready to start dating or not. I haven't dated anyone for six years because my last relationship was so devastating.
I am not an unhappy person. I have a nice metrosexual lifestyle with lots of friends and a good social life. None of my friends in relationships seem that happy to me and to be honest it's not something I've been searching for.I don't feel I need to be validated by someone romantically to be happy - though it would be nice, This opportunity just came out of the blue.
I do not feel I am completely over my obsessive tendencies. I do go to twelve step meetings for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous which has helped somewhat.
I will most likely meet him tomorrow but be very careful.

 

[Nubajon]

Tread lightly, or you could be in for another down fall that he could trigger.

don't open up to him very much, be guarded with your self...

or be ready for more therapy sessions

Thanks for the very wise advice. I appreciate it.
I will tread very carefully.

 

[sixthson]

I guess I would be more than a little concerned about taking a relationship that was a professional one and making it a personal one. Even though there is nothing illegal about it, you were the patient, he was the therapist. He had power over you, much like a teacher or other professional would. You sound vulnerable to him and have stated that you have serious issues with relationships.

It seems weird to me that you, of all his patients, should remain in his mind and heart for over 5 years. Are you the only patient with whom he has formed this personal attachment? Frankly, it sounds unhealthy, but that might just be me. It's not unusual for a patient to fall for his healthcare professional since the relationship is intimate by nature, but it seems creepy when it's the other way around.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

 

[Nubajon]

I guess I would be more than a little concerned about taking a relationship that was a professional one and making it a personal one. Even though there is nothing illegal about it, you were the patient, he was the therapist. He had power over you, much like a teacher or other professional would. You sound vulnerable to him and have stated that you have serious issues with relationships.

It seems weird to me that you, of all his patients, should remain in his mind and heart for over 5 years. Are you the only patient with whom he has formed this personal attachment? Frankly, it sounds unhealthy, but that might just be me. It's not unusual for a patient to fall for his healthcare professional since the relationship is intimate by nature, but it seems creepy when it's the other way around.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

To be honest I think it's weird too. Like I said he's a really hot guy and I'm kind of in awe of him. Last night during my conversation with him he actually told me he loved me and I was like spiritual brother to him. How can we be spiritual brothers when I really know nothing about him?
I will meet him for dinner - maybe just to move on and have closure. I will be very careful.
Thanks very much for your excellent observation.

 

[Seasoned]

The red flag for me is the unequalness of your relationship. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to move forward until he confided his personal info. Otherwise it would seem that he'd have potentially too much control. Best wishes.

 

[Nubajon]

The red flag for me is the unequalness of your relationship. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to move forward until he confided his personal info. Otherwise it would seem that he'd have potentially too much control. Best wishes.

Thank you Seasoned. I plan to move slowly - I do feel strange going into this with the him knowing so much about me. I need to know more about him. We'll see what happens tonight - I'll let you guys know what happens.

 

[eastofeden]

I like his honesty and integrity. Telling you he was also attracted to you and then telling you he would have to wait five years due to the nature of your relationship seems very responsible and decent ...on paper anyway....

I think maybe you should meet him and let it unfold as it will. As it will be personal between you maybe ask him about himself and see where it goes.

 

[Nubajon]

I like his honesty and integrity. Telling you he was also attracted to you and then telling you he would have to wait five years due to the nature of your relationship seems very responsible and decent ...on paper anyway....

I think maybe you should meet him and let it unfold as it will. As it will be personal between you maybe ask him about himself and see where it goes.

Thank you Eastfeden for your input.
I met him last night. This is what happened.
We met at a little seaside restaurant in Malibu that I had never been to - it was quite a distance from where I live and I took a cab to get there since I don't drive.
I was on time and he was there. He looked really radiant - even more beautiful than I remembered.
He embraced me really hard and he looked like he had tears in his eyes.
When we sat down there was very little small talk. He said immediately there were many things he's been wanting to tell me but held back because of the nature of our therapeutic relationship in the past.. And so for most of the next three hours our time together was almost a non stop monologue by him telling me all about himself and why he was so attracted to me.
The highlights were as follows:
- He told me during the time we were in therapy together he was married to a woman. They had been married for five years and had a 2 year old daughter. Also that his wife had become very ill with pancreatic cancer just prior to our time together and was dying.He said they were happily married and that he loved her. He said he had always been attracted to men as well as women but he had never acted on his homosexual feelings. His wife died a few months after we ended our therapy together and it was devastating for him. He took three months off from work and went into therapy himself struggling with grief and guilt. He said that even though he had never cheated on his wife he often fantasized about me and he was confused and tormented by it. He said it was a quite a journey for him to come to grips with his feelings and for the most part over the past few years he has concentrated on raising his daughter and building his practice.
- He told me he was raised by his mom who was a single parent. He never knew his father who was out of the picture before he was born. His mom was a successful person in the film business and he lived a rather blessed life of privilege and wealth. He said that his mom had lots of male friends who often played the roll of his male role models. He's still close to them. His dream was to be a professional hockey player and he went to college in Canada hoping to pursue his dream but he wasn't good enough to become professional. He ended up training to be a therapist and wanted to specialize in helping athletes. He still plays hockey in an amateur league and that is his main hobby.
- He said he was fascinated by me because my life had been so different from his. He said he admired my spirituality and adventurous lifestyle. He said I opened doors in his imagination that he never knew excised. He said our time together was a profound experience for him and I had taught him a lot.
- He stated clearly he was looking for a life partner and he was not interested in superficial relationships. He asked me if I would be interested in dating him and building a relationship.

I responded to him by telling him I had remained celibate over the past few years and I found it freeing because I have difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships. I also told him that my circle of friends might be quite different from his. My circle is made of artists, intellectuals and political activists. I said in essence I am a bohemian and have few elements in my life that are conventional - very different from his. I told him in all honesty that I wasn't lonely and I wasn't searching for a romantic relationship but I was willing to move slowly and possibly build something over time.
He told me he was happy with my restraint and was willing to accept those boundaries.
After dinner we took a short walk on the beach and we kissed. It was a passionate kiss full of longing from both of us. It lasted a long time but went no further.
He offered to drive me home and we continued to talk on the ride. I invited him to go to the ballet with me next week. There's an all male company coming from England performing here next week and I thought he would enjoy it. He told me he had never been to a dance performance and he is pretty unsophisticated when it came to the arts. He said he would go if I would come and watch him play hockey. I agreed and we're meeting again next week.
Obviously we are embarking on uncharted territory for both of us and I must admit I am excited.
What do you guys think? Have I done the right thing? Could this possibly work out?

 

[TX-Beau]

Hmmmmmmmm........

So, first off a therapist telling you in session he has romantic feelings for you is a violation of his ethics and could possibly end in the therapist losing his licence, depending on how far the violation progressed. It's not "honest," it's unhealthy, and since one assumes these "feelings" started before your last session this can probably be categorized as dishonest, first session last session doesn't matter. If he had feelings for you he should have immediately referred you to someone else.

I've never heard of this "five year rule," I have heard therapists say that they should never get involved with people with whom they have/had a professional relationship period. If he's no longer your therapist, he won't get in trouble for it, but the profession will definitely frown on it.

What was the purpose of telling you to wait in the first place, were you offering to date him or something? Did he just pull this out of his ass? Telling you he had "feelings" for you is something happening and isn't having "strong therapeutic boundaries," it's pretty much the opposite. Then setting up this five year waiting period implies you should be WAITING for him, then you say he was married with a sick wife? Was that why you had to wait? This sounds pretty controlling actually.

You've painted this rosy picture, but if this happened as you say it did, you should have already hit the ground running years ago.

 

[Nubajon]

Hmmmmmmmm........

So, first off a therapist telling you in session he has romantic feelings for you is a violation of his ethics and could possibly end in the therapist losing his licence, depending on how far the violation progressed. It's not "honest," it's unhealthy, and since one assumes these "feelings" started before your last session this can probably be categorized as dishonest, first session last session doesn't matter. If he had feelings for you he should have immediately referred you to someone else.

I've never heard of this "five year rule," I have heard therapists say that they should never get involved with people with whom they have/had a professional relationship period. If he's no longer your therapist, he won't get in trouble for it, but the profession will definitely frown on it.

What was the purpose of telling you to wait in the first place, were you offering to date him or something? Did he just pull this out of his ass? Telling you he had "feelings" for you is something happening and isn't having "strong therapeutic boundaries," it's pretty much the opposite. Then setting up this five year waiting period implies you should be WAITING for him, then you say he was married with a sick wife? Was that why you had to wait? This sounds pretty controlling actually.

You've painted this rosy picture, but if this happened as you say it did, you should have already hit the ground running years ago.

Tx, thank you for your feedback. I have taken it to heart and I am not going to move forward with this relationship. It's just too weird and I've worked hard too hard to find equilibrium and maintain my mental health to mess it up over this.
Although we had no sexual contact during our sessions together there was sexual energy between us. I mean I could feel it but I thought it was just me and my infatuation towards him.
During our last session I told him I was very attracted to him and asked if we could see each other outside of therapy. That's when he made the 5 year rule. He said he had similar feelings towards me. I didn't realize until your post that it was unethical for him to say that. I see now how destructive this statement could have been and how crazy it was for him to say it even if he felt it.
He would never answer any questions I asked about him. He said the therapy was about me not him. To be honest I did notice he had on a wedding ring.
I cannot see if this relationship continues that it would lead to anything good. I would just be facilitating behavior he should not have engaged in and place myself in a vulnerable position that could possibly lead me to a relapse.
Thank you all for your excellent feedback. It has really helped me through this.