Moving in with boyfriend (dilemma)

[Jasonn]

I'm in Michigan; he's in California. We're both 18. We've spent a lot of time and money over the past year or so to hook up and see each other as much as we can. The past few months, we've been talking about moving in with one another--first him coming here, now me coming there. Let me stress that I love him very, very much, and I want to be with him badly.

But it's not that easy. He can't really move here because his dad isn't willing to pay the out-of-state tuition for college here. I can't really blame him. The idea is to go to a community college for two years and then transfer to a four-year for the remaining two years (for a bachelor's degree). Also, my boyfriend's Crohn's Disease makes this option somewhat difficult (although not impossible). He hasn't been getting very good treatment where he lives now, and I'm sure finding a doctor here would be fairly easy. It's also worth noting that I have came out to my father and he supports us entirely (he's met my boyfriend on two separate occasions and even let him stay here with us for a couple weeks at a time). However, his dad doesn't know anything about us (he just assumes we are friends).

I've been thinking about coming there and living with him there, too. He's looked at a couple of places (apartments) nearby to a community college (close enough to not have to even worry about a car--we could just walk or bike to school). Money, for me, is definitely a problem, though. I considered living there for a year first before starting community college there (thus becoming a resident and paying much, much cheaper tuition rates--roughly $1500 for two years, compared to at least $10,000 for two years as an out-of-state student). I really want to start college now, though. I actually graduated in 2006 from high school (a year early), but didn't go straight to college because of money issues (my parents were in the middle of a divorce), and I was moving quite often (five residences since 2001). Now that all my friends that are my age are at university, I'm feeling left behind.

From a financial standpoint, tuition here in Michigan is a bit less of a problem because I have a $2500 state scholarship (although $625 will go unused since I haven't enrolled in this fall semester). Wherever I go, I'd really, really want to start college this winter. Whether I stay there for two years, or transfer to a four-year before then, I'm not sure. But I definitely want to start school ASAP. However, living with him in California has its positives financially, too. His dad will be paying for three quarters of his rent (I'd pay the other quarter), and all of his utilities (internet, cable, etc.), while he's living away from home/going to school. I'm living with my father and his girlfriend in a nice two-bedroom apartment right now, and although rent is free and my current expenses are low, my boyfriend couldn't move here without us finding another place (a baby is on the way and there just wouldn't be a place for us here). Granted, the cost of living and rent here is quite low compared to California ...

Starting my education is very important to me, but so is being with my boyfriend. I've been so stressed lately with work and trying to make a decision regarding this dilemma. I want to make the right decision for not only myself, but for our relationship.

Any advice, suggestions, further questions, or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

[orem244]

Well, you're probably not going to like my answer much, but...

You guys are both at an age where you're figuring out your own lives, and from the sounds of it, it seems like both of you have your hands full with your own issues, let alone trying to figure out how to coordinate your issues with someone else's issues too. Just do what's best for you right now and advise him to do the same, so that way even if your relationship doesn't end up working out you won't feel like you sacrificed your whole life's plans at such a young age for a guy.

Yeah, I know that sounds cynical... but it's also realistic.

 

[StlKj]

Is his father the type to stop helping with rent if he finds out you guys are more than just friends?

You're feeling anxious to get started in school now, and it seems like at least part of that is how you compare with your friends who are in school, but if you moved there, would that really be a factor anymore?

If he moved to your area, would his father at least continue to contribute what he does now, with your boyfriend figuring out how to make up the difference?

Could he move there, get established with a doctor, take care of himself and work for a year so that he could start school as a resident a year from now?

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Talk about the complexities of daily living...

Complicated as the matter may be, the core of your common problem is the lack of cash. No matter, how you turn it, you'll be damned if you go and you'll be damned, if you stay.

If I were in your shoes, I'd grab the bull by the horns. You do not need anyone's approval for your relationship. You need cash and you need it now.

I'd think that California might be a better choice, simply because it still offers more work, better pay and greater opportunities than Mich..

Put your heads together and see what kind of work can you do for some badly needed cash. This is not going to be easy, but everything ever worth doing tends to be somehow connected with a backbreaking effort. So, you use all your smarts, start saving, getting up very early and working your way through the day till you see everything in a haze. And then you do more...

Soon, the cash will start flowing. People around need intelligent help of every kind, and are willing to dish good cash for it. If you are willing and capable of working hard, you won't be missing anything.

School is very important. You know that. Even more important is to learn how to cope with complex challenges and not give in, just because everything is difficult and may even be very uncomfortable. Men take hardships and overcome. Wussies withdraw and play with their Barbie dolls in their Barbie world. We all know that, don't we?

SC

 

[Jasonn]

First of all, thanks everybody for the responses so far.

@orem244: Thanks for the advice. You're right--that's not the answer I wanted to hear, but I'd like to hear everyone's opinion.

@Killjoke:

Is his father the type to stop helping with rent if he finds out you guys are more than just friends?

To be honest, I'm not sure. I'll ask him tomorrow (or better yet, bring him into this thread).

You're feeling anxious to get started in school now, and it seems like at least part of that is how you compare with your friends who are in school, but if you moved there, would that really be a factor anymore?

Yeah, it probably would. Most of my friends I either see quite often, and those that I don't (such as those at school right now), I talk online with very often (either on IRC or AIM). Moving wouldn't really distance myself from them.

If he moved to your area, would his father at least continue to contribute what he does now, with your boyfriend figuring out how to make up the difference?

Maybe. I'd have to ask him.

Could he move there, get established with a doctor, take care of himself and work for a year so that he could start school as a resident a year from now?

See above.

@SilverRRCloud:

Cash is a problem for me. His family is comparatively better off than mine (my parent's divorce had a huge effect on our financial situation). My father's credit is in pretty bad shape, my mom has stole money from my dad during the divorce, and I'm sure he has some debt to take care of. I know he wouldn't skimp on putting me through college (or helping me with that), but I also don't want to make anything more difficult for my father than I have to.

I do have a part-time job right now though (boyfriend doesn't at the moment), so I'm saving cash up slowly, but surely.

Thanks again for the replies so far. I'll try and get my boyfriend to answer some of these other questions. Until then, I'm getting to bed. Good night!

 

[kevin23]

Money is a problem, you want to start college, you love your out of state boyfriend. This is another answer you won't like, but realistic. Enroll in community college where you are, use the schlorship. You have free room and board, that is hard to beat. Rent and cost of living would be very expensive in California. Stay in touch with the boy friend. I know you think this is not possible, but it is very likely that you may meet someone in college that is more special than your current boyfriend. If you don't , there is plenty of time to get with the bf after college. But get in college now. Use the schlorship. Good luck..

 

[theblackajah]

Been there, done that, don't do it.

Trust me, it may seem like a good idea now, and I know you are both madly in love- but it is a BAD idea. I guarantee you that.

 

[Jasonn]

Been there, done that, don't do it.

Trust me, it may seem like a good idea now, and I know you are both madly in love- but it is a BAD idea. I guarantee you that.

And why do you say that?

 

[operafan]

Having come from a very poor background, I have to go with whatever gets you your education. There isn't anything more stressful on a relationship than money worries. If his dad doesn't know about you and he decides to take it out on you by not continuing the support for his son, it would be very difficult for you both.

I would say his medical situation could really be a complication if he moves. Obviously this is the kind of thing that needs to be monitored and supported.

I would really like for this love story to take wing. I wish there was an easy answer. You both must be very special guys.

 

[theblackajah]

And why do you say that?

I suppose my original answer was too short. I do care about what you're going through, having just gone through it myself the last 12 months or so.

Please, I hope you take my advice to heart, and I will try to be as detailed as possible so you can make an informed decision.

I graduated high school with over $15,000 in scholarships, bursaries and government financial aid (not loans). I had quite a bit of money to help me out. I consider myself a smart and practical individual, especially in planning for the future, and my love of my life (1st boyfriend, such a sweet guy) wanted to move in together to an apartment of our own.

So, I do up the math, and he does the math too- with our parents contributing a combined total of about $7,000, and with our part-time income for the year estimated at about $5,000, I thought we'd be fine. I did the math, did the monthly budgets, etc. I planned everything out very thoroughly, with schedules, procedures, timetables for all moving activity, money-saving strategies, grocery allocation... etc.

ANYWAYS, you get the point.

So, the plan was to split everything 50/50- rent, expenses, etc.

Well, we managed that, but what you will find is that, having never lived COMPLETELY independently, budget overruns are going to be your new best friend. They will happen, and will happen subtly so you check your bank statement one day and wonder where all your money went.

The best laid financial plans, in the face of being new at actually carrying them out, tend to fall apart.

That is Problem #1: Finances. Despite scholarships, contributions, etc., money was VERY tight. Unfortunately, this also led to arguments between my partner and I, and constantly worrying about money and finances puts A LOT of stress on an individual and a relationship.

NEXT, there is the problem of never having lived together. You may think you know someone, but what I learned is that the old adage of TRULY getting to know someone when you move in with them is DEFINITELY TRUE.

Problem #2: You will fart in each other's presence, whether you will it or not. You will see all the bad, nasty and fucking ugly (and smelly) sides of each other. Flatulence, dirty laundry, messes, bad habits, annoying habits, flaws, etc. You cannot avoid this absolute exposure of your most intimate details.

Sure, you may REALLY love each other (And we did, and still do), but it becomes extremely tough, and slowly wears at you. Even the strongest love will begin to buckle under this. I know you may think your love is special and extreme, that you would do anything and go through anything for the sake of love, but please believe me when I felt the very same way, and even then, it is still tough. PLEASE, trust me on this.

Problem #3: We were also going into our first years of University. WOW. It WILL be stressful- there will be a LOT of work, and a LOT of commuting. It will tire you out, wear down your body, drain your energy. You WILL be exhausted. Combine all the schoolwork, apartment duties, financial stress, etc.- It's not a pretty picture.

Problem #4: Your sex life and love life will be affected by all the stress. LOTS AND LOTS OF STRESS. You will find that romanticism tends to get harder to muster, and a world full of hugs, kisses and sexual favours will slowly turn into a world... with occasional, tired handjobs. It's not for a lack of love- it's simply that our bodies only have so much energy to dish out in a day. You will be pulled in many directions by many things requiring your time and attention- not just your lover.

Problem #5: You will find that maintaining an apartment, having to cook, clean, etc. will also be extremely tiresome while a University student. Oh, don't forget laundry too! It'll be easier if you didn't have all these responsibilities, but Uni (or college for you) does take a lot of dedication. Also, chore division can lead to arguments, even moreso if one person tends to create more mess than the other.

Just from reading your situation, you have WAY less advantages than I had. I had TONS going for me. Additionally, your partner is ill, and requires consistent medical attention. Lastly, you said yourself that you are in a grave financial situation.

All this points to one thing and one thing alone- It is not a good idea.

I suggest that you wait it out- get through your education, get a stable income after you graduate, set up your OWN apartment for a few months, and once you're stable financially and accustomed to all the changes in your life, THEN move in.

If you truly do love one another, then your relationship should be able to withstand the test of time and separation. Enjoy the early, separate-living days of your relationship- they will be the most adventuresome days, possibly, of your relationship.

 

[theblackajah]

Oh and, please, just stay put and finish your education- don't spend all your money. Focus on that- build up a future for YOU AND YOUR PARTNER. That is the smartest move you can make, if you are REALLY serious about the LONG TERM with this individual.

 

[Jasonn]

Luckily, I am quite smart when it comes to finances (and my partner knows that), so I would definitely be working to ensure we are well within our budget, making the right, frugal decisions, etc. etc. I'm not too worried about that really. I would never put him or myself in a situation where we are truly helpless financially. We're also aware of the stress that our jobs and university and living together will put on us, but we're willing to do it if we can.

I've been going through as many possible choices and decisions as I possibly could over the past week or so, and I still have a lot of work and information to gather before I/we can make a decisions as to what to do yet (luckily, time is on our side at the moment).

I do really appreciate your post though. It's exactly what I was hoping to see -- somebody who has gone through something similar.

 

[Jasonn]

Also, how are you and your boyfriend doing? I assume you guys are going to school separately until you have things in order.

 

[theblackajah]

Luckily, I am quite smart when it comes to finances (and my partner knows that), so I would definitely be working to ensure we are well within our budget, making the right, frugal decisions, etc. etc. I'm not too worried about that really. I would never put him or myself in a situation where we are truly helpless financially. We're also aware of the stress that our jobs and university and living together will put on us, but we're willing to do it if we can.

I've been going through as many possible choices and decisions as I possibly could over the past week or so, and I still have a lot of work and information to gather before I/we can make a decisions as to what to do yet (luckily, time is on our side at the moment).

I do really appreciate your post though. It's exactly what I was hoping to see -- somebody who has gone through something similar.

Heh! Unfotunately, that's what I was hoping you WOULDN'T reply.

I am very smart when it comes to finances too. Love tends to untangle all the best-laid plans.

As for what happened to us- we both agreed that, after a year, we knew we had made the wrong decision. We moved back out, but are still together (and moving back out has definitely relieved a lot of tension).

You seem so adamant, just as we were.

I was warned (thought not as detailed a warning was given) just as you are being warned, but I guess you'll just have to learn it the hard way.

Best of luck to you.