No Animated GIFs Moving in with boyfriend

[Gagariah]

Alrighty, so I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years.

I live about an hour away from him in an apartment and he lives in a house. He lived with his parents when we first met and he decided to get a house as he has a good job and has been saving for years for it etc a year after we met. The intention was that he would move in and eventually I would follow and move in with him. He moved into a year and a half ago, and I did not move in right away with him for a few reasons...

- He's never lived alone and he was kind of sheltered when he lived with his parents and he wanted to experience living alone and just having some freedom, which I respected because I've had many years of my own.

- I work close to where I live so if I did move in it would be a bitch of a commute.

- His parents didn't actually know of my existence when he moved. He didn't tell them when he lived with them about me for a number of reasons, pretty much all related to the fact that they are very traditional portuguese and a lot of worst case scenarios go along with telling such parents - even though he came out to them shortly after we met. I guess them knowing that he's in a relationship is a whole other level than just knowing he's gay. I was okay with him only telling his parents after he moved because then he wouldn't have to go home to them everyday if drama ensued etc etc... I've been very supportive of all of this because I'm also portuguese and although my parents aren't traditional like his, I have a lot of relatives who are and I get it.

So finally in Spring of this year (after a lot of convincing from me...) - he told his parents about me and shortly after that, I met them and have met them several times since then. They are nice people and they don't seem to have anything against me and our relationship. We talked about that he wanted his family to get used to me and the relationship before we moved in, and it might not happen until spring of next year, which I as he knows - I wasn't completely happy about but I figured I'll leave it at that and see what happens.

Fast forward to 2 months ago, a job posting at my company for an office that's only 20 minutes away from his house comes up. The job is really well and is considered a promotion so I figured, great - not only will this be a good career decision but it will be so convenient to drive to when I move in with him.

So we talked about it, he agreed that it would be a great idea and was extremely supportive. (Note - I would've applied with way because it's my career we're talking about)

Long story short - I got the job and I started this week. I've been commuting back and forth and I know it would be a pain because it's an hour and 20 minute drive with traffic there and back and it will be even worse since winter is coming up.

So I decided to broach the subject of me moving in since we haven't since I interviewed and with the job it would make sense to have a timeline. We discussed the commute and the money we could both save if we lived together etc. and that it might be wise to do this now instead of next spring. I pay a lot of money in rent and parking currently. I kind of brought that if he always wants he there, then wouldn't it make sense for me to just move now with the job and everything?

Keep in mind that he likes having me at his house and always wants me to come over. I make a point to not always go over because I live here - not there. And if I've going to be there all the time, why am I still living here? So although I'm still there often - I'm not there every other day. So he gave me some reasons why next spring is still the better option...

- He wants his parents to get used to the idea of us living together because it will be an adjustment for them - even though he told them when I met them that eventually i would move in....
- He still feels like he hasn't enough had enough time to live alone and have that freedom.
- It's always busy in the fall and before Christmas and this will just add so much stress
- and even though he doesn't say it, I think he's worried about his neighbours as it's a very suburban area with not a lot of people that we know are gay
- I think he's just worried of the 'officialness' of me living there because then it's more permanent than me just visiting often.


Now I need your opinion.... am I being too lenient and should I respect his wishes as it's his house?? Or do I need to be more demanding... I think I've been extremely tolerant of everything up to this point.

Pretty much everyone that we know (even his own friends and various relatives) think it's strange that we still don't live together - and even ask him why I don't live with him. And all of my family and friends think the same thing. We both usually just tell people about how his parents didn't meet me that long ago and it's been a journey with them and this whole gay thing (even though they didn't even react badly when he told me about them - or even that badly when he came out! but that's a whole other story...) and that I live close to my work so it wouldn't make sense now.

But now a lot of that has changed and I think frankly he's running out of excuses. I know he's scared that our relationship might change and is worrying and so am I but I think we should be living with each other now. These are obviously a lot of his insecurities - not his parents, neighbours etc. Should I just let him decide when I move in or should I be more aggressive and persuade him that it should be now? I don't know what to think but it is bothering me and he knows it.

Sorry for the novel.

 

[IceColdLover]

If it would make it easier on the both of you, you should move in now before the winter hits. So would you both be closer to your jobs if you lived in this same house? You'll have to move in eventually, if you two are going to be together and both families would have to cope with the idea of you two living together. If it saves money for both of you and you both can split the rent and utilities, then do it. If he truly loves you, he will understand.

 

[arpeggi]

After being together for 4 years, I would suspect that at some point ideas and preferences regarding partnership, or even marriage, have been expressed. Perhaps not. But it seems to me that after four years, you know if you're willing to be together for perhaps another four years. It's very difficult to know that after not living together. Living together is a very difficult adjustment. I don't necessarily blame him for not being ready and wanting to maintain his independence. Living together with a partner is very much a test of compromising independence. I'm not sure if you or he are ready to consider each other partners or not, but once you start living together, that's what it will become. Saving money and being close to work are important considerations. But they're considerations you have as partners. You might want to make sure the two of you are ready for that. It sounds like he might not be but you might not be seeing beyond wanting to save money and being closer to work. Significant others maintaining their independence as roommates is a lost cause. Is this relationship long term or not? And are you both willing to live as a partnership?

 

[TX-Beau]

If he's not ready don't push the issue. That never works, it only causes resentment. You have a plan, stick to it, he might change his mind if there's no pressure.

 

[Seasoned]

This is going to have to be talked through so that it doesn't cause you to have resentments. If winter driving is a problem, is he open to you spending a few few days at a time. If you are not fully accepting of his rationale, you are going to be hurt and pissed every time you're tired or when the weather is a problem.

 

[eastofeden]

Can you accept that he may never want to cohabitate with you?

Ask yourself if this would be acceptable and if not....ask yourself if you are willing to continue in the relationship as it is?

You may have to accept that he doesn't want to live with you for reasons he has stated or maybe some he hasn't.....and ask yourself if it is a dealbreaker?

 

[checkinthingsout]

This is going to have to be talked through so that it doesn't cause you to have resentments. If winter driving is a problem, is he open to you spending a few few days at a time. If you are not fully accepting of his rationale, you are going to be hurt and pissed every time you're tired or when the weather is a problem.

Sound advice, but I would even take it a step further and do 1 week on 1 week off at his place for maybe a month. That way, you will be able to save some time and money on the commute, and both of you can get used to living with each other and see if it will work out. Many couples do this as a way to start getting more comfortable with each other's habits before making the leap into full on cohabitation. Its a trial period.

As for his excuses I think they are all quite honestly bullshit.

- He wants his parents to get used to the idea of us living together because it will be an adjustment for them - even though he told them when I met them that eventually i would move in....Crap. you all have met and they are fine with you. I don't really think they care anymore
- He still feels like he hasn't enough had enough time to live alone and have that freedom. Crap. Having someone else live with you is not the same as living in your parents house. The freedom he is experiencing is because he can make his own rules. He can still do that with you there, you are not his mom
- It's always busy in the fall and before Christmas and this will just add so much stress Crap. The whole year is busy. you make time for stuff you want to get done. And how long does moving one person in actually take? A weekend at most?
- and even though he doesn't say it, I think he's worried about his neighbours as it's a very suburban area with not a lot of people that we know are gay Does he even know any of his neighbors? Would knowing that there are people at a restaurant who don't know you are gay stop you two from eating at a restaurant? the point of having your own place is you can make your own rules. Why would the neighbors matters?
- I think he's just worried of the 'officialness' of me living there because then it's more permanent than me just visiting often. Only valid reason, but I don't know what he is worried about. 4 years is official and if you guys arent going to even try and take a next step, why waste any more time?

 

[bankside]

Something doesn't seem right. I'm friends with someone who is what I can only call an eccentric weirdo, and who had lots of drama between him and his then boyfriend over whether they should move in together. Lots of "when the time is right" and "let's think about it later" and "aren't things good pretty much the way they are?" First both of them, then mostly his boyfriend.

All the while I'm thinking if they've been seeing each other for years and years, this is never going to happen. And of course it never did.

After four years, two grown men can figure out that they really really want to live together. I actually think most people can do that in a year and a half to two years.

There is no reason for a grown man with his own house to let some vague discomfort on the part of his parents rule the day.

Actually checkinthingsout just posted everything I'd say. He's giving bullshit excuses. He either knows very little about how to have a relationship, or he doesn't want to.

 

[KaraBulut]

If the two of you live together- after four years- it should be in a home that is a home for both of you, and preferably that you both own together.

For the short term, agree that on nights when you sleep with him, that you stay at his home and commute from his home to your work. It will give you both an idea of what living together is like but still give him the illusion that he's living by himself. It will also prove that your neighbors don't give a shit that the two of you are fucking- as long as you're both good neighbors.

There's no reason for you to spend the next year driving back and forth for 80 minutes to get to your job. You should move into your own place, closer to work. Sign a one year lease. At the end of that lease, make a decision about whether the two of you should live together. In a year, if he can't make a commitment to living together but the two of you are happy with the relationship, then find your own home close to your work.

 

[palbert]

Sound advice, but I would even take it a step further and do 1 week on 1 week off at his place for maybe a month. That way, you will be able to save some time and money on the commute, and both of you can get used to living with each other and see if it will work out. Many couples do this as a way to start getting more comfortable with each other's habits before making the leap into full on cohabitation. Its a trial period.

As for his excuses I think they are all quite honestly bullshit. ....

I know it's almost "tough love" but I tend to agree with checkinthingsout: enough is enough.

The most I would do is move into an apartment closer to your work (and him) for one year. If he hasn't changed in a year, I'd move on.

 

[TX-Beau]

You made a plan for next spring, stick to it, and if that doesn't work out, then you can bitch about it.

Yes circumstances sometimes change, but sometimes people are not as flexible as all that. I agree he's stalling, but that in and of ITSELF is telling you something.