Moving on after break up

[mcbrion]

You didn't really break up with him, did you? You acted like you did to shake him up. Well, indoing that you run the risk of being taken seriously. Relationships don't need manufactured drama, believe me. This is something I've learned in my 32 year relationship.

If you want him back you need to ask him back, but you've lost credibility and leverage. You wanted him to change for you and that might not be possible now. If you or he can't or won't change you're likely to be back in the same place within weeks if not days.

If he's not interested in coming back box up those pictures and give them to a friend to hold if you're not willing to toss them. Make a clean break until you grieve the loss of the relationship and then and only then decide if you can be friends. Frankly, I don't see the point of exes remaining friends, but we're all wired differently.

Seasoned:
I feel exactly the opposite of you about remaining friends with exes. Perhaps I misunderstood, but you're not actually saying that once the romance relationship (the selfish part) is gone, the basis for regarding another human being with affection and warmth should go, too, are you? I hope not. Armisted Maupin referred to the 'scorched earth' policy he sees among gay men, and it goes like this: "I loved you, but when things didn't work out, now I hate you." He and I agree that that is not Love at all. It means you went after someone with motive - not genuine givingness - and when that dissolved, you scorned someone for not giving you what you "deserved." I can't think of a less true description of LOVE. Kahlil Gibran, in The Prophet, said, "Love is sufficient unto Love." There's not a point to Love. It just is. I hope I misread you.

Now, I remained friends with my ex long after I left him. I realized he was not capable of feeling secure and romantic simultaneously. And we stayed very close, close enough that some guys I dated (even though I never did anything romantic, erotic or anything that could be called "inappropriate") said, "Wow, you're still very close to your lover." To which I replied, yes, he's now family, but I'm dating you, not him. Besides which, we still had a business with many employees, so there was no chance of not seeing him. We managed beautifully.

I hate saying things to suffering souls, but it sounds like the original poster is both friend and executioner (in a way). Sorry, but that's impure and nothing good will come of it. Holding grudges only leaves the person holding the grudge miserable, while the other person recovers and starts life again with someone new, making the grudge holder even MORE miserable.
I'm glad you're doing counseling. In time, clarity will become more apparent, but do not try to rush it. Too many people say "moving on," which these days means "repressing real emotions" in order to appear mentally healthier than they feel. It is better to grieve, cry (crying is VERY healthy), wail or whatever, rather than try to squash those feeling and push them down (the analogy of a Jack-in-the-Box comes to mind. Too much pressure on those squashed emotions and - BOOM! Everything you repressed comes out at once. Stay out of relationships, especially if one is simply going to take all the issues they had with the one relationship and project it onto the new one. (it's what people mean by, "I have a lot of baggage."

 

[Seasoned]

^It's up to the OP and his bf to determine if the relationship is indeed over. If not, great, but it will need work, perhaps with a couple's counselor in order to stop repeating old patterns. If, in fact, the relationship is over, the OP would want to determine his best course of action to remain healthy and his first responsibility ought to be himself, not his ex.

Again, what works for one person doesn't work for the next. It can be torturous to be around an ex or an ex could end up being a life-long friend.

 

[KaraBulut]

^It's up to the OP and his bf to determine if the relationship is indeed over. If not, great, but it will need work, perhaps with a couple's counselor in order to stop repeating old patterns. If, in fact, the relationship is over, the OP would want to determine his best course of action to remain healthy and his first responsibility ought to be himself, not his ex.

Again, what works for one person doesn't work for the next. It can be torturous to be around an ex or an ex could end up being a life-long friend.

I agree about couples counseling.

At the end of this relationship, there was a buildup of a situation that was followed by a big explosion. Now that the smoke from the big explosion is clearing, both parties in the relationship are having regrets that maybe the breakup happened in the heat of the moment. Both parties are looking back and realizing that there was a lot of good in the relationship.

Whether they choose to try to repair the relationship, whether they choose to remain apart or whether they choose to try to return to being friends was never really negotiated. The things that were going wrong in the relationship before it ended will have to be dealt with if both parties want to move on- whether they move on together or apart.

 

[mcbg22]

I agree about couples counseling.

At the end of this relationship, there was a buildup of a situation that was followed by a big explosion. Now that the smoke from the big explosion is clearing, both parties in the relationship are having regrets that maybe the breakup happened in the heat of the moment. Both parties are looking back and realizing that there was a lot of good in the relationship.

Whether they choose to try to repair the relationship, whether they choose to remain apart or whether they choose to try to return to being friends was never really negotiated. The things that were going wrong in the relationship before it ended will have to be dealt with if both parties want to move on- whether they move on together or apart.

We've met a few times in the past few weeks and talked a lot about what happened in our relationship, the break up and what we want from now on and we have decided to give our relationship another go. With that said, we are taking it slow, maybe seeing each other 3 times a week and keeping communication open to discuss our feelings to avoid repeating old patterns. Hopefully, our relationship will get stronger because of this.

 

[Seasoned]

Please update if you wish. Relationships are oftentimes saved with open and honest communication where both parties are heard and respected. Best wishes.

 

[mcbg22]

Please update if you wish. Relationships are oftentimes saved with open and honest communication where both parties are heard and respected. Best wishes.

Bad news: I'm realizing now when he said he wanted to try to work things out, he meant I had to do everything he wanted and not say what I want or express any of my feelings. I have to talk to him when he wants to talk to me, see him when he wants to see me, etc. Not good...

 

[Seasoned]

I'm afraid that what you are experiencing is common. Some people don't want to hear that they are 50% of the problem. That's why, unless both people are open and equipped to make changes, seeing a couple's counselor is almost essential. I hope you are strong enough to tell him what you've told us you're in for a cycle of breakups and getting back together. Best wishes.

 

[fourozfree]

Bad news: I'm realizing now when he said he wanted to try to work things out, he meant I had to do everything he wanted and not say what I want or express any of my feelings. I have to talk to him when he wants to talk to me, see him when he wants to see me, etc. Not good...

I've watched a lot of relationships unfold recently and I would just say this:

Relationships make you extremely susceptible to the kind of emotional torture and blackmail that I see going on here. Until you can be completely honest with yourself you aren't going to be able to see the bigger picture.

Yes, this relationship holds a lot of your "firsts" and a lot of nice happy memories. Most relationships have that. This does not have anything to do, however, with the future—that is all in the past.
The way I see it, you have two good options: (1) be completely honest with this guy. Tell him everything you've told us here. Communicate all of the problems you had in the previous relationship and devise a way to fix them together. Also, be ready to listen to what he has to say in kind. (2) stop. talking. to. him. If for any reason you don't think he'll be receptive to the first option, or if you don't think it would be worth it, you need to actually sever all contact. What a lot of people do in this situation is what you've started to do, which is start talking to each other when you are feeling your most vulnerable, and then making choices that are turning this whole situation into a complicated mess that you will later regret.

 

[mcbg22]

Thought I would post an update on my relationship. We are still together and I think our relationship is in a really good place right now. We had some rocky moments because of the wounds still left over from our break up but we have both been making some efforts in listening to each other and making compromises and I think that has brought us closer. We can even joke sometimes about things that have happened to us in the past.

 

[Seasoned]

Do think of the long term. Some couples get kind of addicted to a breakup/makeup cycle because of the drama and the make up sex, but find themselves right back in crap in as little as days or weeks. That's why couple's counseling Is helpful. It lets you practice communication techniques such as fair fighting and allows for both persons to be heard.

Best wishes but do ask him about counseling especially at the first sign of old patterns. Healthy relationships require a good amount of effort.