Moving on and accepting the past...advice needed.

[vforvendetta]

So I dated a guy last year for around 9 months - I know that's nothing compared to how long some of you have been dating your partners, but to me, it was a long time. I'm 21 now, and we broke up about 6-7 months ago because of constant episodes of fighting. There were trust issues, and he played games with me going so far as to invent a guy to see if I still cared (???). I never understood why he was so worried.

Anyway, we broke up sometime in November after another fight, and I just couldn't take it anymore. We stayed what I considered close friends for a while, and then I started to go around and party / sleep with other guys outside of dating. Looking back, this was probably due to my eagerness to start a new relationship, and I just got stuck in a rut. At this point, I started to seek help from a counselor, to talk my feelings over, because at some points I just didn't know what I was doing with my life. My ex didn't like what I was doing and ended up cutting off contact with me starting in mid-April. Now, he's seeing another guy and it just makes me so jealous to see them so happy together. I can't help but think I made some sort of mistake by breaking up with him. I sent him a message wishing him well yesterday, despite how much it hurts to watch, and he actually replied with something else other than cursing and flames. Since yesterday, we've been on what appears to be improved terms, although he still says he doesn't trust me at all.

He was my first real boyfriend - someone I had strong feelings for and for some time those feelings were mutual I think. I know I'm never going to get him back, and it would probably not even be a good decision to do so logically, but the feelings are still there. I guess I just want him to stick around because he was so important to me, a huge part of my coming out and someone I loved. I'm afraid these feelings are blocking me from finding someone else and building a real relationship, and that I'm simply insecure.

TLDR - I made some big mistakes in my life and I feel like I'm the one who's guilty - has anybody else ever done something like this, and how did you deal with your feelings? Am I setting myself up for more hurt? Thanks for any advice, and sorry if the story is a bit confusing - as typical it's very complex, and I'm willing to expound on anything that may not be clear.

 

[racer2438]

Guilt is very heavy and if carried long it will take over anything in your life.

We all have made and still will make mistakes. But we all have to learn from them to grow and be a better person.

You cant change what happened, just don't make the SAME mistakes again. Life is a long journey of twist and turns ups and downs. All you can ask of your self is do the best you can. And you just need to put this guy in your past and move on, little by little it will all just fade away and be just a memory.

 

[HunterM]

Only you can fulfill yourself. You have to find ways to make yourself happy. Depending on someone else to give you happiness is hollywood bullshit. Set short term goals for yourself to keep you busy socially without him. Your feeling of wanting your ex back is not healthy regardless of what kind of monumental history you two had. Wishfull thinking is preventing you from moving forward in life.

People have lost their loved ones, partners, family members to tragedies (Tsunami, war, earthquakes, cancer, etc). They have to grieve. But they also have to move on in life to start a new chapter. Constantly wishing dead people to come back to their lives is not a healthy mental attitude.

You can stay in touch but don't wish for any more to happen with him if the trust is broken (as he told you). Your jealousy is hurting yourself and not him. He has already moved on and be happy. It is your turn.

Jealousy is like...you drinking poison and expect the other person to get sick. You need to let him go emotionally. Be happy for him...and accept reality. Keep busy and keep setting goals for your life (career wise and socially). Keep making new friends. Learn from your past mistakes to improve on your next relationship.

Good luck man!

 

[Seasoned]

Two people broke up twenty eight years ago due to drinking and disfunction. I ended up with one of the guys and would run into the other and feel weird. Well this past weekend my partner ran into him and his partner. We had a ling chat together about health issues and travel plans.

At the end of the conversation I did what I needed to do. I whispered in my honey's ex's ear that I was glad things didn't work out with him and my partner 28 years ago. We smiled and I grew up even after all that time.

You have a future ahead of you that you can't even imagine. Just stay sane and healthy.

 

[vforvendetta]

Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it!

 

[dhchitown1984]

Just my opinion, but no matter how you move forward, without him, with him as a friend, or getting back together, it's important that you do one thing, and that is to forgive your past relationship. I'm going to sound very stereotypically gay here, but Oprah said on her show once that Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. If you move forward and get back together with him, I think its important he understand that too. Your past is your past. You've experienced it, you've made a combination of right and wrong moves, you've learned from them, and now you're here, June, 2011. The past can't be any different than what it was. If you feel you can take what you learned and keep moving, then do that. If you're not ready to forgive what happened, hold off on reconnecting until you have.

 

[HunterM]

^ Good advice! "If you're not ready to forgive what happened, hold off on reconnecting until you have."