Moving on without closure

[Doctorwhofan777]

I was in a long distance relationship with someone for 17 months. We had a few issues with him not putting much effort into the relationship but he was going through health issues and switching jobs. Towards the start of September he started getting distant and more depressed. I asked him if he was thinking about ending it and he admitted that it was a convo he thought about having the next time we were together. He then decided he wanted a few days apart to think about things which I agreed to. We talked about our respective issues and discussed how we could contribute to fixing them and things seemed like they would finally get better after months of saying we were going to try but not actually trying. We agreed to talk again over the weekend, When we did he admitted he hadn't been putting his all into the relationship but he just doesn't love himself (I had figured as much before) people always say if you can't love yourself you can't love someone else. He said he needed to be alone to figure out how. I asked him if he'd be willing to try again after he took time to work on himself and his only response was "Is that fair to you?" He had to get off the phone without discussing what was next for us so I asked if he wanted me to give him time and space which he said "That'd be nice" I told him I loved him and to take care of himself, He said he loved me too. It's been 2 months and his facebook still says he's in a relationship and he still has our pictures up even though he posts stuff constantly.

I'm trying to accept that he probably took the easy way out, I tell myself over and over he's never going to contact me again. But a part of me clings to this fantasy that he'll reach out when he's done working on himself. How do I move on? Or at least stop myself from getting my hopes up.

 

[sixthson]

First of all, I'm sorry this is happening to you, Doctorwhofan. What you are feeling now is completely normal after a relationship of quite a long time. It's made worse because you don't feel free to grieve the loss of him because you are unsure if is completely over.
The question I would have is how is he working on himself? If he is not facing his demons, things won't change. If he is just separating from you, hoping that things will change magically on their own, things won't change there either.
Since it appears that you are waiting for him to tell you it's over, that will likely leave you in limbo as you are now. Not a good place, is it? You should give serious thoughts to moving on without waiting for him. What if he never deals with his issues? You don't really even know what they are. It sounds like he might need professional help dealing with his issues concerning self love.
I have never really believed you cant love someone else if you don't love yourself first. Within a healthy, loving relationship, healing happens. Perhaps he is too focused on himself? It's complicated.

Keep us updated. Be sure to take care of yourself.

 

[Doctorwhofan777]

I know he was going to start treating his low testosterone again, other than that I don't know what he's been doing with his life for the past 2 months. We always promised each other we'd have a proper goodbye if we ever parted ways. In hindsight i wish I would've just asked him if that was his way of breaking up with me for good but I was in shock. Do people need to ask if they're getting dumped these days? I've been reading books on how to move on but they haven't helped much. My brain realizes the situation but my heart won't let go.

 

[sixthson]

This is why you may have to end it yourself. If he is willing to have one last talk and explain himself (which he owes to you after all this time) then that would be great. If not, you may just have take control yourself and leave him behind, then grieve the loss.
Maybe you could see this as not so much him dumping you as it is his complete inability to deal with life. Maybe he is dysfunctional at relationships?

 

[KaraBulut]

Relationships are work... but the thing is that they're not supposed to feel like work.

He needs to work on his issues. You need to get on with your life without him. It's the best thing for you both.

 

[Seasoned]

It's up to you to determine how long you'll be on hold. Slinking away is cowardly but some people are so afraid of confrontation they chose to hurt people rather than being honest. By saying waiting for him would be unfair to you it seems he was wanting you to end the relationship.

 

[TX-Beau]

"Closure" is a myth. It's an attempt to dictate the end of a relationship on your terms no matter what actually happened. Sometimes you just get dumped. Sometimes you get explanations, sometimes you don't.

Your choice on how long you want to pursue that.

 

[Doctorwhofan777]

The problem is I don't know how to kill that part of me that hopes he'll come back. I've deleted every trace of him from my life, Even got rid of Facebook so I wouldn't be tempted to check up on him. My brain knows it's time to move on but I can't get the rest of me on the same page.

 

[eastofeden]

Have you ever met him in person? If so..how much time have you spent together?

The reason I ask..it seems that it would make a huge difference in how to let go.

 

[TX-Beau]

The problem is I don't know how to kill that part of me that hopes he'll come back. I've deleted every trace of him from my life, Even got rid of Facebook so I wouldn't be tempted to check up on him. My brain knows it's time to move on but I can't get the rest of me on the same page.

That shit dies by strangulation. if you keep feeding it, it lives on and on, in extreme cases for years and years.

You get on with your life, you date other guys, you already purged his contact info, and you keep doing that until one day, there you are.

 

[aidana416]

Hey man, newbie here and sort of going through a similar situation. The person is seared into your neural pathways. Don't feel any shame about what you're going through. It's biology and we all experience it. It will happen and it takes time. When you feel yourself thinking about it you should manually train your brain to focus on something else (something you're passionate about helps). There will be a time when you're walking down the street and you realize you haven't thought about that person for a while. That moment will be a huge relief but also might deliver some incredible sadness over such a realization. I promise it will come though.

 

[Doctorwhofan777]

After 3 months of nothing I got a text from him today around 10pm "Merry Christmas. I hope you had a good day" It felt like I was pushed back to square one. Stupidly I texted him back Merry Christmas and I didn't really expect a reply but it still hurt when I got nothing.

 

[Doctorwhofan777]

He eventually texted back and said he's still trying to work on himself to be ready for a relationship. He texted me so I didn't think he was a total shit. Gave me hope that maybe things could work out for us. Found out he's on Grindr looking to start a new relationship. Gave me hope and took it away in less than 24 hours. God I'm stupid.

 

[KaraBulut]

...Gave me hope that maybe things could work out for us. Found out he's on Grindr looking to start a new relationship. Gave me hope and took it away in less than 24 hours. God I'm stupid.

 

[TX-Beau]

He eventually texted back and said he's still trying to work on himself to be ready for a relationship. He texted me so I didn't think he was a total shit. Gave me hope that maybe things could work out for us. Found out he's on Grindr looking to start a new relationship. Gave me hope and took it away in less than 24 hours. God I'm stupid.

After three months of nothing he says Merry Christmas and you immediately jump straight back to wedding bells? OK, there are warning signs and there are warning signs, your warning signs were pretty clear, and while we all relapse into hopeful wishful thinking after a breakup - it's time to let it go, and you do that by disciplining yourself to point your feet away, no matter what you might be feeling.

Yeah it sucks, but it's necessary.

 

[fukmenow]

Rip up his photos, give his presents to Oxfam or bin them. If he contacts you again tell him to FOAD or tell him nothing at all. But more important than all that, remember this is learning experience. You may always love him but he is poison for you. Get on with your life. Go out, do the things you enjoy most, whether its dancing, seeing opera, walks in the country, random sex, whatever. Make friends with people you couldn't possibly fall in love with - too old, too fat whatever. You need friends right now. When you feel stronger try going out on your own. Live like it is the last year of your life. Life is too precious to do anything else.