First time I've ever posted. Normally I'm just a thread lurker, but something happened recently and i just wanted to, i guess express how i felt so that maybe i can maybe feel a little better somehow. i don't know.
I had this really good friendship with a guy for about 2 years. We met online through a friend and through time, we've build a really good friendship. But throughout those years, while getting to know him, i found myself growing feelings for this guy. Which was new to me because I've considered myself a straight male and wasn't interested in other men. But there was something so endearing about this guy. My feelings fro him came randomly but came strongly none the less. It was weird, one day i thought we were just really good friends and the next, i was in love with him. I think i can pinpoint to when exactly i feel for this friend of mine. It was one day were we talking online about random stuff and the topic of music came up. We discussed what kinds of music we liked and shared some of our favorite songs together (keane, jack johnson, five for fighting). It was then i remember laying on the floor with the headset on listening to music with this guy thinking to myself... i can see myself with this person. Which was awkward for me because i began to question my sexuality.
I knew that maybe it was just infatuation, that i was just single and wanted the company. So i dated a couple people to try and maybe get my mind of the guy. But i could not get my mind of him. When i was dating these women, all i thought about was, i wish it were him with me. Anyway, after these relationships failed to progress i found myself single and just not really looking in to dating anymore. I kept in contact with the guy and willed myself not to tell him about how i felt-- well until yesterday night.
My feelings for him were too strong, and i HAD to tell him how i felt. I knew the certain consequences that would come about and i was willing to risk my friendship with the guy. I just needed to let him know so that he would know how i felt. Two days prior i had written this long email stating how i felt and what i thought and wanted. There i basically confessed my adoration and love for him stating that he had made me more happy than anyone i've ever met. And that if he would be open to it, i would like to try and possibly work out a relationship with him. I wrote the email because i was too chicken shit to tell him in person how i felt. Anyway, last night i had called him and asked him to do me a favor. He said "Sure, anything." SO i said something along the lines of 'i sent you an email, can you please read it and call me back if you want to. But its ok if you don't." So i say thanks and hang up.
So time passes and basically i figured that he doesn't feel the same way i did. And i totally understand-- why would he anyway? so i lay in bed feeling this great sense of loss. So much so that i missed his call. But reluctantly he calls back. I pick up the phone and it was just an awkward silence for a few minutes. I apologized for letting him know how i felt and apologized if it made him feel uncomfortable. Here in lies the point where i regret even mentioning my feeling towards. I felt so dumb, so ashamed, so embarrassed. Thats when he says he doesn't know how to respond, or how to react, or what to tell me. He apologized profusely saying that he can't feel the way i do about him. Thats when he started to cry. I can't begin to tell you how painful it was to hear him crying. It hurt my heart that i caused him this pain. I told him to not apologize because there was nothing to apologize for. If anything i was the one to be apologizing. I could not stand to hear him crying so i apologize for putting him though what i just did and i thanked him for the opportunity and time to get to know such a wonderful person. I told him i hope he finds someone that makes him more happy than he has made me and that i wish nothing but the best. Crying still he apologizes saying hes sorry that he doesn't feel the same way, that he wished he could be the person for me too, but can't because he's straight can cant see himself with another man.
So then we say our goodbyes, and thats where i'm at now. Kind of numb,sad and lonely at the moment, but i don't know what else to feel. There is just this HUGE empty space in my heart right now that i think can never be filled. I lost a really good friend. I guess thats it. *shrug*
I'm not asking for any advice or any words of sympathy or anything, i just wanted to send this out into the void. I apologize for such a long text, but i had to i guess let this off my chest. But thanks for listening/reading.
I had this really good friendship with a guy for about 2 years. We met online through a friend and through time, we've build a really good friendship. But throughout those years, while getting to know him, i found myself growing feelings for this guy. Which was new to me because I've considered myself a straight male and wasn't interested in other men. But there was something so endearing about this guy. My feelings fro him came randomly but came strongly none the less. It was weird, one day i thought we were just really good friends and the next, i was in love with him. I think i can pinpoint to when exactly i feel for this friend of mine. It was one day were we talking online about random stuff and the topic of music came up. We discussed what kinds of music we liked and shared some of our favorite songs together (keane, jack johnson, five for fighting). It was then i remember laying on the floor with the headset on listening to music with this guy thinking to myself... i can see myself with this person. Which was awkward for me because i began to question my sexuality.
I knew that maybe it was just infatuation, that i was just single and wanted the company. So i dated a couple people to try and maybe get my mind of the guy. But i could not get my mind of him. When i was dating these women, all i thought about was, i wish it were him with me. Anyway, after these relationships failed to progress i found myself single and just not really looking in to dating anymore. I kept in contact with the guy and willed myself not to tell him about how i felt-- well until yesterday night.
My feelings for him were too strong, and i HAD to tell him how i felt. I knew the certain consequences that would come about and i was willing to risk my friendship with the guy. I just needed to let him know so that he would know how i felt. Two days prior i had written this long email stating how i felt and what i thought and wanted. There i basically confessed my adoration and love for him stating that he had made me more happy than anyone i've ever met. And that if he would be open to it, i would like to try and possibly work out a relationship with him. I wrote the email because i was too chicken shit to tell him in person how i felt. Anyway, last night i had called him and asked him to do me a favor. He said "Sure, anything." SO i said something along the lines of 'i sent you an email, can you please read it and call me back if you want to. But its ok if you don't." So i say thanks and hang up.
So time passes and basically i figured that he doesn't feel the same way i did. And i totally understand-- why would he anyway? so i lay in bed feeling this great sense of loss. So much so that i missed his call. But reluctantly he calls back. I pick up the phone and it was just an awkward silence for a few minutes. I apologized for letting him know how i felt and apologized if it made him feel uncomfortable. Here in lies the point where i regret even mentioning my feeling towards. I felt so dumb, so ashamed, so embarrassed. Thats when he says he doesn't know how to respond, or how to react, or what to tell me. He apologized profusely saying that he can't feel the way i do about him. Thats when he started to cry. I can't begin to tell you how painful it was to hear him crying. It hurt my heart that i caused him this pain. I told him to not apologize because there was nothing to apologize for. If anything i was the one to be apologizing. I could not stand to hear him crying so i apologize for putting him though what i just did and i thanked him for the opportunity and time to get to know such a wonderful person. I told him i hope he finds someone that makes him more happy than he has made me and that i wish nothing but the best. Crying still he apologizes saying hes sorry that he doesn't feel the same way, that he wished he could be the person for me too, but can't because he's straight can cant see himself with another man.
So then we say our goodbyes, and thats where i'm at now. Kind of numb,sad and lonely at the moment, but i don't know what else to feel. There is just this HUGE empty space in my heart right now that i think can never be filled. I lost a really good friend. I guess thats it. *shrug*
I'm not asking for any advice or any words of sympathy or anything, i just wanted to send this out into the void. I apologize for such a long text, but i had to i guess let this off my chest. But thanks for listening/reading.
