Moving on.

[BamBam91]

Hey guys,

I've been a lurker on here for a while reading the hot and helpful comments from Jubbers. I am here today asking for your help.

A little about me. I'm 21 and gay and I live in Brisbane Australia.

Now I've only been out for the past say 8months to everyone, although I did dabble in online dating and hook up apps for a little bit before that. My story starts about this time last year, I was on an online dating app called Grindr and got chatting with a very cute and sweet guy, he was the first guy I'd ever really felt an instant connection with. He was cute, charming and sweet. We swapped number and continued to text for a while until my mobile phone shit itself and lost contact.

Fast forward about 3months and I'd come out to one friend who was supportive. We went to a birthday party where he proceeded to tell another friend of ours (which I told him was fine by me) and she said she'd already knew. Turns out that a few months prior the cute guy I'd been chatting to had spoken to her about me, and didn't realise that I knew the girl, nor did I remember he worked with her (they worked at the local kfc). She gave me his number because I was concerned that he was telling everyone about me, I called him and my fears were alayed, he had only spoken to my friend about me because I'd left an impression on him.

We got back to chatting and decided to meet up officially. We met not long after his 18th birthday (at the time of chatting I didn't know he was underage) at a gay bar in Brisbane. By this time we'd been chatting and getting pretty close for a while. We meet up and I'm really nervous. He walks in and he's the most beautiful sight I had ever laid eyes on. I was so dumbfounded and shy I hardly spoke to him. But eventually I stuttered out Hi nice to meet you and all that. Then after a drink or 2 I settled down and got to know him. I unfortunately found out he was in a relationship.

Fast forward another 2months. By this stage we'd become close friends and confidants. And unfortunately my feelings for him grew bit by bit. I admitted to him one day I was crushing on him, he just smiled and said he was flattered. And slowly over the next 2months those feelings grew until one night whilst out with him and his bf I realised I was in love with him. I couldn't help but feel rage and jealousy toward his bf.

Come New Years Eve, him and his boyfriend were having problems. We had a few drinks and come midnight we were together on the bedroom floor of a friends house making out and me hvaing my first sexual experience. It was wonderful, it was bliss, pure passion. But alas it had an ugly side effect, it just reinforced my feelings for him that up until then I could hide. 3 days later I was a sobbing mess confessing my love for him. Sadly he couldnt reciprocate, and he and his bf had made up and were back together.

3 weeks later he breaks up with his bf, because of some problems they were having. I stupidly thought that I may have had a chance and after giving him time I tried to initiate a date or something, but I was knocked back. He cares too much for me and our friendship and doesn't want to lose that.

Sadly it crushed me and I've been horribly depressed ever since. I've been trying to get over him, trying to move on. He is a big part of my life, we are going to uni together come the end of this month, we have plans of moving out together to get away from our parents and start our lives etc. I want to do all of this, because I want him in my life. Even if just as friends. I just can't seem to get over him, no matter how hard I try. It just ends with me in tears and wanting nothing more than for the earth to swallow me hole.

So fellow Jubbers. HELP!

 

[looseliam]

I don't think it will be healthy for you to move in with him. You will need your own space so long as you're pining for him.

You can remain friends, but I recommend putting some distance between you two so that you can move on. If you're that good of friends with him, let him know that it's just until you can move on. He should understand.

As for the moving on - get out and meet new people. Have some dates, drinks, and maybe a romp in the sack.

 

[KaraBulut]

What's unusual about your situation is that you're 21 and he's 18. Usually it's the other way around.

These life experiences are painful. They're like the skinned knees and being thrown over the handlebars when you're learning to ride a bike (or more accurately, learning to brake a bike).

The story here is that you're new to this. You're coming out a bit late and this is your first serious crush. And you made the mistake that a lot of guys make- crushing on a friend, crushing on someone with a boyfriend and hoping that physical attraction is enough to make it all work out.

Back to the bike metaphor- honestly, if you want to ride a bike, you're going to have to go through the skinned knees and loss of dignity of falling off the bike a few times if you want to learn to ride. This guy wants to be friends and if you can't accept that then you're going to need to put some space between the two of you until you can deal with that. You definitely don't want to be roommates- that's going to be too miserable for both of you.

You're going away to university, so it's a good time for you to make some changes. Meet some new friends. Date. Get laid. Skin your knees a few more times. Move on. Eventually, it will get easier.

 

[Jelly123]

There are many many ways to get over someone. If you want to that is.
You can shift your attention to someone else. Which I think most of the time is the easiest way to go
Or work longer hours, go clubbing more often, shoot some pools with the boys. Honestly, your happiness shouldn't be in anyone's hand. Just be productive, self indulged and before you know it, someone else will pop up.
Or you can start stalking him Then the court and police will do the rest of the work )

 

[HunterM]

You have not moved on. DON'T move in with him. You will be much more emotionally in pain...when you see him cuddling with another guy instead of you as they watch TV together...when you hear him talk about how he's in love with another guy instead of you...when he's having sex with another guy in his bedroom instead of you.

Move in with someone else. Start dating other guys.

 

[Rolyo85]

Frankly, if I knew someone was crushing on me, I wouldn't have sex with them when I wasn't into them romantically. That's both cruel and inconsiderate. Furthermore, "I don't want to lose your friendship" is a bullshit excuse. Since your feelings for him are not friendly but romantic, you already AREN'T friends. He has already lost your friendship, because if you're honest with yourself, friendship is not what you want from him. And my impression is that what HE wants is the pining you've informed him of.

If you want to legitimately move on, you can't live with him. That's not something to debate really, it's a simple truth.

So you have two options. You can be mature, and make the painful but necessary decision to pull away, maybe even cut contact for a while. Or you can go the way of self-inflicted "Oh, but I can't, I love him so much!" Drama route and waste valuable years on a guy who doesn't want you.

And for the record - love is a mutually shared and nurtured emotion. Anything one-sided is simply crushing and obsessing.

 

[BamBam91]

Just to clarify, we aren't moving in together right now. That won't be for another 6months, but it is something that both of us want because we get on so well and simply want to get away from our parents (I want more freedom to be me) and would be convenient as we live an hour and a half if not more depending on traffic, from university.

But I do understand what everyone is saying, and I am hoping to get over my feelings for him by that stage. Because before I started having feelings for him, we were very good and close friends. I want that back more than anything.

I started a dialogue today with him in regards to pulling back, and while it hurts both me and him (he didn't realise my depth of feelings for him), he is willing to do it to get us back to being friends. Sadly no matter how much I want him, he won't love me. Not at this point in time anyway. Hence trying to move on.

I am one of those people who has a very dim view of themselves in a physical sense. I'm a large guy, I wear glasses, have been told I have a cute face, but I don't see it. I have major trouble making friends and talking to guys I like because of major confidence issues. So I think dating is out of the question at the moment.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I'm happy to take note of the progress you've made regarding some of your thinking. With a little, or perhaps more than a little, work you'll continue to figure things out and be more at ease. We quiet, shy, lower self-esteem guys really have some work to do before comfortably taking our rightful place in the world, but you're still very young and you've learned a lot already.

You know what needs to be done regarding your friend in terms of boundaries. And those are both physical and emotional. When the romantic thoughts creep back in you need to shake them away. If your friendship is going to be healthy for you the fantasy needs to stop and there can't be any sexual stuff because of what that will do to you. The good thing is you already know this. You just need to live it.

As far as self-esteem is concerned, start with your cute face. No one had to tell you that so believe it! You say you're big. If you mean overweight and it's something that bothers you, you can do something about it. In the meantime I'd think about some kicky glasses and a different haircut, somethings to make you noticeably different to yourself.

In terms of doing better socially, let me tell you what I did. I was horribly introverted and was terribly uncomfortable meeting people or engaging in small talk. When I decided I wanted to change that I started to mimic what my one closer gay friend did and how he behaved. I began taking social risks, mimicking his small talk technique. Guess what? It worked! After a while it became second nature. It's something I recommend you try. Over time it gets easier. Most people I meet these days have no idea I'm an introvert and naturally shy.

Bottom line? We never have to stay in a rut. There are ways out, but we need to be willing to take safe risks. As you try new things or new ways of doing things, just ask yourself a simple question. What's the worst that can happen? Usually the consequences, in the scheme of things, are trivial and quite manageable. If we're not able to risk bruising our ego we're not really living a full life. To paraphrase an American president, fear is the only thing to be afraid of.

Take good care. I see hopeful signs in what you last wrote. PM me anytime.