Mr. Right Appearing Just When I'm Mr. Wrong?

[Teasel]

What can I say? I haven't fallen in love in 12 years.

You meet a guy and instantly you click, you're so on the same wavelength you swear he can read your thoughts. There's such a magnetic chemistry that it occupies your thoughts and feelings. Suddenly you're judging everything about yourself from the perspective of the guy you've just met.

Ten years at a deskjob and I'm not in good shape. Lost my job last year and am now trying to find a way to become gainfully self-employed. Worse, the cost of living in my area has skyrocketed due to growth and it has driven me to move in with my father where I can afford the rent. It's in an exurb of New York full of thirtysomething families and their kids. There is no social life, not a single gay club/bar/gym or meeting place in the entire county beyond a few scuzzy adult bookstores.

So I meet this guy in an online forum. He lives on the west coast. Over the year since he's joined the forum, via his posts, I come to the realization that he's really great. I spent quite a lot of time going over all his old posts to see whether my feeling was remotely accurate and I was just completely taken by what a great guy he is. He's very low-key, very sweet, intelligent, and very much my type as I am also very much his type (minus 50-60 lbs). It seems we are compatible in a lot of ways.

I get the click from him. Something tells me that he's perfect for me. I don't get that feeling often, maybe once a decade, and I've never had the opportunity to act on them until now. This guy is gay, hot, and I think we would make an awesome couple.

Now besides my current living and financial situation, I've never been in a romantic relationship. I have no clue how to ask someone out and that's what I'd have to do. Would I seem like a total headcase if I asked him out for dinner and a movie, flying my ass out there for the weekend to do it? In any event, I'd like to wait a while when I'm in better shape and (in my view) more attractive. Maybe a few months? But then on the other hand, maybe it's wise to strike while the iron is hot. He could disappear off the board tomorrow and I'd have no idea what happened to him.

I feel like opportunity's knocking with a film crew in tow and I'm forced to answer the door unbathed and unshaven, in a wifebeater, boxers, and pink fuzzy slippers with a can of cheap beer in one hand and a tube of hemorrhoid creme in the other. I'm completely unprepared for this to happen now, completely unfamiliar with what I need to do to approach him in a way that won't seem goofy or stalkerish, yet I'd love to know if this really is what I think it is.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

[G-Lexington]

It's probably because you haven't been in love for 12 years that you're still thinking in 20th century terms. You no longer have to even meet someone in person to "link up". I met my partner online, and whereas I'm not sure I would've called him my "boyfriend" before we met in the flesh, it certainly was headed in that direction.

So instead of spending time and money on a trip to California hoping he'll be a good match, why not do so from the comfort of your own (or your father's own) home? Say you find him interesting (yes, "like that"). See if he's interested in getting into a relationship. You might not be able to win him over with your huge paycheck or perfectly sculpted figure, but remember - if that were a requirement, only rich hotties would be in relationships. And I'm proof that that just ain't so.

And yes. No better time than the present.

Lex

 

[Teasel]

He's seen pics of me (clothed ahem) and I've seen pics of him (clothed & shirtless). I'm pretty open in the forum. There's not much I don't discuss, and truthfully so at that. How do I approach the subject? He's told me I'm thoughtful, helpful, and someone he likes, but there's been no hint of anything else. I haven't asked him if he's single. He does get a lot of PMs from guys who come on to him because he is REALLY good looking even if he doesn't always think so himself (did I mention he's humble?). That's not what I want, at least not right away. I see so many wonderful things about him that have nothing to do with his looks. I don't want to be just another come-on; not another guy who's trying to be buddy-buddy to get him in bed.

And thank you G-lex. You'll be happy to know I love gargoyles too.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, maybe that's the first step right there. Ask him if he's seeing anybody right now. And if he isn't, just let him know you're interested. You don't have to push it in a physical direction at first. Just say, "I think you're really cool, and I think I'd like to get to know you better."

Thanks - we gargoyles love the love.

Lex

 

[Teasel]

Well, maybe that's the first step right there. Ask him if he's seeing anybody right now. And if he isn't, just let him know you're interested. You don't have to push it in a physical direction at first. Just say, "I think you're really cool, and I think I'd like to get to know you better."

Wouldn't that sound desperate? Or have I placed him on a pedestal? Ugh. I wish I had experience with this. I imagine there's a certain set of words or actions out there in the ether that, if I can find them, will make him interested. Love sucks.

=G-Lexington]Thanks - we gargoyles love the love.

Lex

Very welcome!

 

[G-Lexington]

Either he's gonna be interested or he ain't. There's no magical set of words that will magically change his mind. Well, obviously, you'll do better with "I'd like you to know I'm interested" than with "Date me or else, bitch". But I'd hope that's common sense.

Remember the high school dances? Music playing, and everyone standing against the wall staring at each other? Someone has to make the first move. You can sit and wait for your friend to do it, but it may never happen. It may as well be you.

Is it desperate? I don't know. But if you're thirsty, you can tip your head up and pray for rain, or you can go somewhere and get a drink. Going to get the drink might look more "desperate", but it's also a lot more likely to result in your thirst getting slaked.

Just ask. "Hey, I've never asked - you seeing anybody right now?" Toss it in the middle or end of a post/PM/IM. See what he says.

Lex

 

[Teasel]

Just ask. "Hey, I've never asked - you seeing anybody right now?" Toss it in the middle or end of a post/PM/IM. See what he says.

Lex

That's a great line! You're right. I'm overanalyzing. I should just jump in.

Still, I'm terrified of the rejection. I hope this works.

Thanks yet again Lex. You do some great work here. May the gods bless you.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Still, I'm terrified of the rejection. I hope this works.

Your chances are a lot better by actually DOING something than they are by sitting around hoping he'll do something.

>>>May the gods bless you.

They already have.

...oh, and keep me informed.

Lex

 

[boy0boy]

Wow Lex has this one covered... umm ditto...

yeah...

let us know how it goes!

 

[Teasel]

I thought I'd bring an update.

As it turns out, the guy I'm in love with is partnered with someone else and has been for over ten years. I asked him out the day after I wrote my post here. I received his reply the day after. His let down note was just beautiful; very kind, very sweet, exceptionally gentle. He has offered his friendship, limited to the forum we're on together, but nothing else. Knowing him as I do I don't think anything could separate him from his partner though I wish I could.

After he wrote me that note I went to my sister's house for a week because I couldn't stay here. I had to be with supportive people, have a distraction. I had one counseling session and I'm going on retreat at the end of the month. To say I'm devastated is something of an understatement.

A good friend pointed out to me that my biggest mistake was waiting too long. I had developed a fantasy life with him, imagining things I shouldn't have. Maybe it's better to find now than six months from now, but I don't imagine I could feel any worse.

He has been enormously supportive of me in my new exploration of gay sex and life. He's become something of a mentor to me because I know where I am now, in my personal life, is not good. Yet for all of that I just can't let go of my feelings for him. Nights are the worst because I imagine what he's doing. I try to push these thoughts out of my head, but it's very difficult.

Unrequited love is Hell. Worse because I know so much about him. It kills me to read any post where he talks about sex. His relationship is not monogamous and he will occasionally visit the baths where he lives and has a circle of fuck buddies. These posts just rip my heart apart because I'd give anything to be one of those guys. I've even considered moving to where he lives or at least visiting on the hope that I could find him and he won't recognize me. Certainly this would be wrong, probably make everything worse.

I just feel as though the one man in the world with whom I could be happy is out of reach, like the grapes and waters of Tantalus. He's ever so close but never will I have him. It's hard not to imagine that I'll be left alone with these four walls for the rest of my life. If I had health insurance I'd be in therapy at this point.

How do you get over unrequited love? Is it something I'll have to bear the rest of my life? It's just so horrible. I thought it get easier as time went on but it's not. Last night I felt like I could tell he was having sex with someone and I just burst out in tears cursing everything for why it couldn't be me.

I suspect that this kind of feeling isn't normal and I'm someone inclined to emotional extremes. It's an obsession and it's not healthy but I don't know how to get over it.

Thank you for time and consideration.

 

[Teasel]

I've composed this and debated about sending it. Thoughts or ideas?

John my man, what can I say?

Christ this sucks.

I've tried.

I'm leaving for a while.

The problem is entirely mine, none of your making. My mind is trying so hard to rein in my heart but it's of no use yet. For all the florid prose I've thrown at you I wish you could understand what I see in you. God knows we both have issues yet I sense something that tells me we could be remarkably happy together. There's a level of understanding I can't explain. It's quite frightening and fascinating all at once. You'll be happy to know I've never been diagnosed as psychopathic or psychotic so no, I won't go Glenn Close on you.

Here's my position. I'm reading posts, see people, notice the ones that amuse or pique my interest, and then keep them in mind, noting to read their posts because the person behind them usually has something interesting to say. Your posts stand out. I find you inquisitive, very introspective, quite the stand-back and assess kind of person. I admire that quality. I check your pictures, you're good-looking. As time goes on, I read more and more and realize that there are things we have not only in common but in life philosophy. There's a freak sense that I can identify with what you're saying, as if I'm reading between the lines, listening to your head compose them. Still more strange is the sense that you may feel something too. That sense gets a lot stronger when you, out of all the people I PM with, picked yourself out of the hundreds of guys here.

For months I had wondered what being in love would be like, what being with you would be like. I now know that was a stupid, foolish, dangerous thing to do. I should have asked you as soon as I began to feel anything only I didn't recognize it for what it was at the time. Perhaps the word to describe how it felt early on is, "intriguing." It was then that I wrote XYZ. It's in the fiction section here. It seems so completely obvious now. Trust me, it didn't at the time. That was my subconscious talking. While I did base the character of Harry on you (and, in fairness, some others), I didn't see any of myself in Bob. I purposely wrote him apart from myself. While standing out on my sister's porch in Vermont smoking a butt it suddenly dawned on me that Tom was an awful lot like me (no I'm not nor ever have been married) and Evan was my idea of you. The death of Nick was the death of old self (Indeed, as I just recall in writing this, Nick was the name of a dear friend of my sister's who killed himself. He was the love of her life. God what a fucked-up family we are.). The death of fear, self-loathing, the removal of the barriers that separated me from being the man I could be. You, so it appears, are the catalyst.

I have never loved anyone like I do you John. Never. There's a good scene in a bad movie that describes it. In Air Force One a terrorist grabs the president's daughter and demands the president release a master terrorist from prison in exchange for her life. Harrison Ford rants and rails and tells the terrorist he will never give in to their demands yet when the terrorist holds a gun to his daughter's head and begins counting to three, Ford just loses it all and whimpers, "I'll do it." That is the level of surrender you have awakened within me. Right now, at this place in time, I'm in a lot of pain. I know too much about you to dismiss my feelings of what might have been. I can't read your posts about sex because they just kill me. When I read about your casual hook-ups, fuck buddies, and bath house conquests I feel like Elizabeth I on her death bed when, as the most powerful person on earth, rich beyond imagination, all she could utter was, "All my possessions for a moment of time." As much I would give to be just one of them. I want to be that guy plowing your ass and Frenching you passionately. I want to give you ecstasy, I want to give you part of myself as I want a part of you in me.

It may be selfish of me to say, but I believe we could make each other very happy. There's something I understand in you that needs understanding as you understand what I need understood. When you said you still had demons, I kind of smiled because I already knew and have a good idea of what they are. Despite what I write, you're not on a pedestal. You're human, not a god. Nor am I a humble slave waiting on your every whim. A doormat I am not. We both have problems, flaws, and issues. Love may not be a picnic, yet there's a very deep emotional component to that love which will never fade within me.

The little devil on my shoulder wants you to feel the same way, to consider leaving your partner, to take a chance for what could be the best thing in your life. The little angel on the other shoulder is ashamed that I would think such a thing.

----------------------------------------

If this kind of candor is disturbing, realize that it comes from the single overriding feeling that permeates everything having to do with you and that is, quite simply, in surrendering you I feel as if I'm turning away from the love of my life.

That's why I have to go away for a while. Unless there is any hope of reciprocation, I cannot continue with you in my heart to this degree. I reiterate an important point here. You have done nothing to encourage any of my feelings. Don't blame yourself for any of it. Too know that I'm not going to show-up on your doorstep or stalk you. I may be crazy but not insane.

The most tragic part of it all is that you really have been my mentor in so many ways and I won't have that any more. I feel like I want to go cry on the shoulder of the man who most understands what is happening only that's you. Quite separate from any of this is that you've been a great friend to me. We do relate well on that level. Would I have still defended you to that asshole? Yeah. I need to get over you to preserve that. It's the hope at the bottom of the box. I can't have you perpetually suspecting I'm trying to keep you in my life for obsessive reasons. What kind of friend would I be if I did that? I've put you through so much already. For that I'm immensely sorry.

This is an unhealthy obsession. Some people don't get over them, others find they break like fevers. Maybe I have rescuer syndrome. Maybe it will lift. Maybe the books I ordered and all the counseling and going on retreat will give me coping skills and I can come back in a month or two without all these feelings.

You know how grateful I am and how I feel about you in every other respect so I won't go into it here. I meant every word of it.

 

[Teasel]

There Lex, you've been informed as you asked me to. At least let me know you've read it.

I'm disappointed I've gotten so few replies on this.