My Best Friend - do I need help?

[klbaud]

I've been encourarged to have a second topic started since you guys have been so helpful with my first topic.

So I have this best friend. He's really different from all the best friends I have and have had. *There's this strong emotional attachment that I sometime wish would go away.

The stuff we do just makes me happy. But at times it just doesn't feel right. I get the feeling that I do too much for him and that I care for him too much and that he doesn't feel exactly how I feel. But I don't exactly know what I want either.*

It's just that the stuff that I would do with him, I can't see myself doing with anybody else. Everytime it's just him and I watching a movie at my house, we already know that we're going to sit next to each other even though the couch is so big. We're comfortable enough to let our heads fall on each other's shoulders. We call each other just to talk for hours, and we tease each other when "you don't call me anymore."

He let's me touch his hand when we're just alone watching a movie--and there was this one time when I was gonna give him the most random high five but he slid his fingers through mine and he kept them there while nonchalantly have a conversation.

Things he would say like, 'i won't go if you don't go' just gets me every time. And how he'll call me to ask me something after he's just awoken from sleep, he'll speak with this soft voice, it's hard to be unhappy.*

And the fights we have, they're not necessarily the type of fights typical best friends have. There was this one time when we fought over how we don't prioritize each other. *It's ridiculous but is this just a sign of closeness?*

I get jealous of course when it seems like he's getting closer to other people, but I know I have no control over this. I think I might just be expecting something more than a best friendship, but I know for sure anything more than a friendship would risk the friendship itself. And just sometimes when I think he'll do something, I get disappointed when I don't get what I want. My expectations are what hurts me the most. I'm working on this.*

It seems like I'm answering my own questions. I guess I'm just curious to know if this is something not too unusual. I still feel troubled inside. *

 

[kissthesky88]

no, you don't need help. you're actually very normal, because if you haven't noticed, almost everyone else here seems to have the same exact problem as you do.

you're in love with your best friend.

do anything and everything possible to get over it however. i've never been in this situation (i have a couple extremely physically attractive close friends, but i grew up with them so i was lucky enough to have been over wanting them and seeing their penises when i was 15) but believe me, try to learn from other's mistakes. it will save you an immense amount of grief.

 

[klbaud]

Thank you, that was very helpful.

 

[intime25]

Thank you, that was very helpful.

I am in the same exact situation klblaud; I've never felt this way before about anyone else, its actually strange because this is the first time I've ever been emotionally attracted to a guy before I was physically attracted. I wasn't even that attracted to him until he started flirting a little bit and I picked it up. You could ask me if I wanted to fuck the hottest guy in the world, and I would reject him in a second just to be able to kiss or even spend time with my friend.

Our friendship gets closer every day that passes. We went to a party where we met up with a few college friends from during the school year, and they all noticed a change to the point where they began to say how we act like a "married couple." We always make excuses to touch oneanother, always playfully tease one another, always smiling when we're around eachother etc etc. There's definitely some mutual feelings going on;

HOWEVER, there is still doubt.

I've decided that I'm not really going to physically/verbally make a sexual move, but rather I'm going to just let things play themselves out. We've really only been "close" friends for about 2-3 months(known eachother for a year), and as we get more emotionally attached, we've started to get more physical. We wrestle a lot now, and sometimes during the wrestling we'll get tired and kind of hold eachother/touch each others face, but who knows? I'm not going to ruin a GREAT friendship just for a little action. We've still got years and years together. If our friendship has grown so much in 2-3 months, I can only imagine how much stronger it will be in a year- or 2.

I've come to the conclusion that the best answer is time(ironic when you look at my username), and if we end up with more than an awesome friendship, I'd love that-- if not-- I'll still be ok. Anyway, my gut feeling is get to the point of friendship where you can tell one another anything... even your deepest darkest secrets. I'm almost there with my friend. Just let things unravel naturally; don't rush it.

 

[klbaud]

I am in the same exact situation klblaud; I've never felt this way before about anyone else, its actually strange because this is the first time I've ever been emotionally attracted to a guy before I was physically attracted. I wasn't even that attracted to him until he started flirting a little bit and I picked it up. You could ask me if I wanted to fuck the hottest guy in the world, and I would reject him in a second just to be able to kiss or even spend time with my friend.

Our friendship gets closer every day that passes. We went to a party where we met up with a few college friends from during the school year, and they all noticed a change to the point where they began to say how we act like a "married couple." We always make excuses to touch oneanother, always playfully tease one another, always smiling when we're around eachother etc etc. There's definitely some mutual feelings going on;

HOWEVER, there is still doubt.

I've decided that I'm not really going to physically/verbally make a sexual move, but rather I'm going to just let things play themselves out. We've really only been "close" friends for about 2-3 months(known eachother for a year), and as we get more emotionally attached, we've started to get more physical. We wrestle a lot now, and sometimes during the wrestling we'll get tired and kind of hold eachother/touch each others face, but who knows? I'm not going to ruin a GREAT friendship just for a little action. We've still got years and years together. If our friendship has grown so much in 2-3 months, I can only imagine how much stronger it will be in a year- or 2.

I've come to the conclusion that the best answer is time(ironic when you look at my username), and if we end up with more than an awesome friendship, I'd love that-- if not-- I'll still be ok. Anyway, my gut feeling is get to the point of friendship where you can tell one another anything... even your deepest darkest secrets. I'm almost there with my friend. Just let things unravel naturally; don't rush it.

Yes! This is so similar to my situation. I've only known him for a year, but all this happens within these few recent months. When we catch each other staring at each other, it doesn't get awkward.. we just make some funny face at each other. It's something I look forward to when I get a chance to see him. Thank you for the input. =]

 

[intime25]

Yes! This is so similar to my situation. I've only known him for a year, but all this happens within these few recent months. When we catch each other staring at each other, it doesn't get awkward.. we just make some funny face at each other. It's something I look forward to when I get a chance to see him. Thank you for the input. =]

Hah yeah that happens to us a lot too. Not awkward though, usually just ends with a "im checking you out" quick brow raise, and then a smile.

 

[klbaud]

Are you out to him? Is he gay? Have you at all talked about any of this?

Nah, we've never got into this topic.

 

[hotb0d]

sound like a bromance to me. It's the most beautiful friendship between guys. He's not gay, is he? probably not...in most cases that we see around Jub, it's always gay guy and a straight best friend. You don't see a lot of fairy tale endings around here I'm afraid. I don't want to dampen your mood or your hope or anything like that. I think it's best to just be friend with him, he sounds like an incredible friend and no way you should risk anything. Does he know you're gay btw?

 

[klbaud]

sound like a bromance to me. It's the most beautiful friendship between guys. He's not gay, is he? probably not...in most cases that we see around Jub, it's always gay guy and a straight best friend. You don't see a lot of fairy tale endings around here I'm afraid. I don't want to dampen your mood or your hope or anything like that. I think it's best to just be friend with him, he sounds like an incredible friend and no way you should risk anything. Does he know you're gay btw?

I'm not too sure. We've never gotten into topics like that. I don't plan to either. Based on what you guys have been telling me, it's best just to keep it a regular "bromance" and continue the friendship we've been having. It's killing me inside, but I guess it's all for experience. I know I'll learn from this.

So the one thing I'm trying to do now is to throw away this attachment. I've come to the conclusion that I'll be better off not chasing something that probably isn't going anywhere.

 

[klbaud]

I cannot tell how much your infatuation with him has effected your post, and perhaps it's just me, but from how I interpreted your post it seems like much more then a normal friendship. Laying on each other while on the sofa? Holding each others hands while conversing? I don't know of any straight male friends that do this.

It's weird, I know. I guess the thing with me is that it's tearing me up inside how it's so good yet I feel as if I'm still trapped with sensitive boundaries.

 

[klbaud]

I think you feel 'trapped' because you're either not being completely honest with your own feelings or because you are not sharing them with him, or you feel like you can't or shouldn't even though you really want to. You know your own predicament better then I ever will, but to me, as I said, it sounds like more is going on.

You're pulling the words from my mouth. I know I want to, but I know I can't. And coming from you guys, it sounds like I shouldn't either. It'll be the better option in the long run. I just have to learn how to control my feelings--as cliche as that sounds. I have to prevent him from constantly pulling me in, it's unhealthy for me.

 

[hotb0d]

I know that most of us told you to not pursue whatever feelings you are having for your friend but I feel that as a friend, you should be honest with him. Not the attraction part, but the 'I'm gay' part. Sooner or later the topic will come up. I'm not saying that you should do it right at the moment but in the near future, definitely yes. Plan it out, do it with with calm and poise. He's your friend, he should have some rights to know who his friends are.

I might sound pessimistic but I believe for a straight-gay friendship to work, there should always be a barrier. No matter how close or how long the friendship is, it's best to keep certain things and feelings separate. The way you guys are going now. He's super close to you because he thinks you're a great guy and straight...so the small hand gestures to him mean nothing. But to you, they mean so much more. And I'm sure you will or you already have use these signs as a spark that signify for something more, and that is very dangerous to your friendship with him. My point for telling to you come out to him is that you guys can establish a barrier. Allow him to know what he's getting himself into. I know...nobody say life is easy, and gay-straight friendships are hard to deal with. People always say to think with your heart, well not always, this is one of the special case that you should think with your head for the sake of the friendship.

By coming out to him. You for once will feel relieved. And for him, it's a time to reflect. It might take time for him to adjust or if you're lucky, he won't even phase by it and continue to be friend. In the latter, I believe that will put your friendship into a whole new level. Trust me I know, I had that happen to me and I'm still smiling about it. It's when you know you will have a friend for a lifetime. Even if it might take him sometimes to adjust, I'm sure he will come around because he sounded like a good person to me. You MIGHT not have those small hand gestures with him anymore but at least your friendship is completely 100% honest and real. You will get this 'omg he's still my friend. I'm so happy and grateful. I will not allow anything to ruin this special friendship' feeling and I believe that feeling will triumph over your attraction to him. Best of luck.

 

[rareboy]

^ I have to agree. If you are such good friends, you owe him the truth. About being gay. The crush thing you can keep to yourself.

There's no sense of just maintaining a friendship based on subterfuge. He deserves to know more about you. You deserve to know more about him.

 

[klbaud]

Here's a little update:

So I was trying this "moving on" thing. I'm trying to drop him subtle signs to try and let him know that I'm not so excited about him anymore (even though I still am.) I'm letting go of my expectations and give him the "regular" friend treatment. It was working for a little bit.

A bunch of us go play tennis on Mondays and he usually gets a ride with me. We hang out at my place for a few hours before we play and we just hang out and stuff. This Monday was different though--he decided to hang out with another friend. Yes, I was jealous but I was able to get over it quickly. He asked to go home with me later that night though and I said it was okay, and that I was going home with a few friends. He said he didn't have a problem with it.

He sat next to me on the way home, three of us were jumbled in the backseat. He was in the middle and I was on his right. He laid his head on my shoulder and I felt his fingers rub my elbow--it was dark so nobody could see. This whole scene was already giving me butterflies in my stomach and his rubbing was turning me on. I started to rub the bottom part of his thigh, and he didn't pull away. We were like this for a good portion of the ride home, I didn't want to have a hard-on walking out the car so I stopped few minutes before, and I think he had the same idea.

Oh and did I tell you? Yesterday he called me after he was finished camping--he called "just to say hi," and he wanted to know what and how am I doing. I got so happy when he did, because that's something that I do to him and it was nice to have the action reciprocated for once. Then before I went to sleep, he called "just to say good night.."

So obviously this "moving on" thing isn't going to work for me, because for some reason, he's able to sense what I'm trying to do. It's killing me, but I love it at the same time. The whole "I can't really have him" thing is kinda working for me, but it has it's downs too. Again, I'm confused.

Oh, and I don't think I'm gonna come out to him. I'm pretty sure I'm bi, it just depends on who I can emotionally get attached to. I guess my "best friend" really has me this time though.

 

[Lube]

Oh, for god's sake, you're both gay. Get over it.

As Reone91 said, straight guys don't act like this.

Bromances are generally one guy in the closet, and one guy in denial.

You really need to come out to your "friend". It will hopefully get him out of his denial stage.

In any case, it will make the friendship real. Because right now you (and possibly he) are living a lie. And that's not a way to have a deep friendship.

 

[rareboy]

I'm trying to drop him subtle signs to try and let him know that I'm not so excited about him anymore (even though I still am.)

Lying to him and yourself. Well, I guess that is a strategy no one ever tried before.

So obviously this "moving on" thing isn't going to work for me, because for some reason, he's able to sense what I'm trying to do. It's killing me, but I love it at the same time. The whole "I can't really have him" thing is kinda working for me, but it has it's downs too. Again, I'm confused.

Yes, you're confused, but you've just as much as admitted that the frustration and the ability to post about your drama is more of a turn-on for you than a meaningful relationship.

Oh, and I don't think I'm gonna come out to him. I'm pretty sure I'm bi, it just depends on who I can emotionally get attached to. I guess my "best friend" really has me this time though.

Uh right. The last thing that two guys who are pawing one another want to do is admit that they're homos or bi. So is the plan just to update us on the two of you touching one another, leading up to spooning? And this is how you plan on squandering the time you could be investing in finding a real physically and emotionally satisfying relationship?

It isn't you friend who's got you. It is you.

I'm going for coffee.

 

[KaraBulut]

In reading through this thread, what is missing is a discussion of what you want from this guy.

Do you want to continue to hold hands, snuggle on the couch and have hardons that you have to hide?

Do you want to have a physical relationship with this guy?

Do you want to put an end to it because it has been torturing you?


Guys have a lot of complicated feelings for each other, regardless of whether they're straight, gay or whatever. But the territory that the two of you have landed isn't bromance, it's denial.

It's time for one of you to 'fess up and have a talk about where this is all headed.

And maybe your next movie night should be Brokeback Mountain. And no, I'm not kidding.

 

[hotb0d]

If you don't come out to him, I'm 100% sure you'll suffer at the result. If you keep allowing him to have this hold over you, your feelings for him will continue to increase and there is a chance that your feelings will be trampled on later. The only solutions I see are possible:
1) come out to him and tell him the truth
2) distance yourself from him. Time to put him as another friend. NOT a best friend. Another thing you can do if you don't want to tell him that you're bi is to be the dominant personality of the friendship. The next time that he puts his head on your shoulder or rub your elbow, deny him the pleasures. Say something that make him feel awkward like, "Dude, stop it. I'm not your boyfriend", remove your shoulder and give him a disapproving look or something of the sort.

 

[hanzosword]

klbaud, I don't think you should try and hide your feelings from your best friend. The affection you show each other isn't typical of normal best friends. It's clear you are both into each other. I mean come on, you're calling each other to say "hi" and "goodnight."

I think it's totally worth it when you love someone to let them know, in a subtle way at least, that you want them. I'm not sure how you should go about it but you should let him know that you never had a friend like him and how you miss him when he's away. The next time you are cuddling with each other watching a movie you could try kissing him on the cheek then see how he reacts.

All I know is being love like you are is an amazing thing and you should not give up on it so easily. I know that most guys on here always say it will end badly, but you are two totally different people. You seem to really have something special and you should keep trying to get closer in my opinion.

Sorry this is so long but one last thing: There is a guy here luckyass69 who did get with his best friend and they became boyfriends. It got really complicated and I don't think they are still together, but it just goes to show that it can work sometimes.. at least for a while. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[klbaud]

klbaud, I don't think you should try and hide your feelings from your best friend. The affection you show each other isn't typical of normal best friends. It's clear you are both into each other. I mean come on, you're calling each other to say "hi" and "goodnight."

I think it's totally worth it when you love someone to let them know, in a subtle way at least, that you want them. I'm not sure how you should go about it but you should let him know that you never had a friend like him and how you miss him when he's away. The next time you are cuddling with each other watching a movie you could try kissing him on the cheek then see how he reacts.

All I know is being love like you are is an amazing thing and you should not give up on it so easily. I know that most guys on here always say it will end badly, but you are two totally different people. You seem to really have something special and you should keep trying to get closer in my opinion.

Sorry this is so long but one last thing: There is a guy here luckyass69 who did get with his best friend and they became boyfriends. It got really complicated and I don't think they are still together, but it just goes to show that it can work sometimes.. at least for a while. Good luck and keep us posted!

I appreciate your reply. This is really something that I think about a lot too..
It really is something special and I feel that he's one in a million but it's just tough sometimes.

2) distance yourself from him. Time to put him as another friend. NOT a best friend. Another thing you can do if you don't want to tell him that you're bi is to be the dominant personality of the friendship. The next time that he puts his head on your shoulder or rub your elbow, deny him the pleasures. Say something that make him feel awkward like, "Dude, stop it. I'm not your boyfriend", remove your shoulder and give him a disapproving look or something of the sort.

This got to me too, I think this'll work. I HAVE tried this though, and I think I will still consider doing this in the future. Thank you.