My Best Friend - do I need help?

[texan_slant]

Come out to him; you owe it to your friendship; and it's the best way of 'moving on'. It'd given him the opportunity to react (or not) to it, and might enable him to process his own feelings (if he is gay).

Set your expectations realistically. I've been in similar scenarios a *few* times before - all with straight best friends. There are a lot of really straight, really great, guys out there that are 'bromance' material. This is why gays fall for them!

I wouldn't neccesarily "distance" yourself from him, because again, you'd be throwing a great friendship under the bus all in the sake of avoiding the truth. You can spend time to meet new people or hang out with other friends, just remember to continue being a friend - the same friend - to him as you've always been.

 

[StlKj]

Your profile says you're 24 years old? Is that accurate? I ask because maybe it's time for you to stop trying to figure out what is going on, and start determining what you really want.

Do you just want him as a friend? Then let him know that you care about him as a friend, but that the snuggling/rubbing energy is confusing and probably should stop. Do NOT just suddenly and coldly rebuff his physical affections--if he is gay or bisexual and cares about you, that could leave him feeling confused, hurt and questioning if you would accept him.

Do you want him as more than a friend? Then you either address the snuggling/rubbing and express that you want more of it, or you don't address it and just dial it up a notch by seeing how far it will go. Hell, you could just let things continue the way they are, if you can handle it. Whatever you decide, make it a decision--don't let it just continue to plague you as this ambiguous relationship it is now.

And maybe it would be good for you to really consider his feelings in all of this as well. He may be just as tormented as you are, or he may not be feeling anything like you are.

 

[klbaud]

Your profile says you're 24 years old? Is that accurate? I ask because maybe it's time for you to stop trying to figure out what is going on, and start determining what you really want.

Do you just want him as a friend? Then let him know that you care about him as a friend, but that the snuggling/rubbing energy is confusing and probably should stop. Do NOT just suddenly and coldly rebuff his physical affections--if he is gay or bisexual and cares about you, that could leave him feeling confused, hurt and questioning if you would accept him.

Do you want him as more than a friend? Then you either address the snuggling/rubbing and express that you want more of it, or you don't address it and just dial it up a notch by seeing how far it will go. Hell, you could just let things continue the way they are, if you can handle it. Whatever you decide, make it a decision--don't let it just continue to plague you as this ambiguous relationship it is now.

And maybe it would be good for you to really consider his feelings in all of this as well. He may be just as tormented as you are, or he may not be feeling anything like you are.

No, it's not accurate. I forgot all about that, I usually don't like giving out my personal information, so I just put in a random age. He and I are the same age, I'm 21 and he's 20 going onto 21 in a few weeks.

This question kinda opened my eyes to something. I'm still young, there'll be more opportunities and chances with him and/or other people.

I think the decision I'm gonna make right now is to just let it off a little. A "break" I suppose. I'm gonna keep my mind on other things and I'll let things fall into place.

You guys have been very helpful and supportive and I like reading what you guys post. Thanks again, and I'll continue to read and discuss if the topic stays active.

 

[theblackajah]

I've been in your situation, and I've tried what you've done. Trust me, it is not the way to go, and I speak from painful experience.

Doing the "break" thing, or somehow trying to cut him out of your heart for a misguided impression that this is what's best for you and him... that only ends in two things:
a) Heartbreak for you (and severe, prolonged emotional/psychological damage)
b) Confusion and hurt feelings for him

It's the cowardly thing to do, the dramatic thing to do. But it's not the right thing to do.

The only course here that will lead to any sort of closure is honesty. It's also the only way you can do right by your best friend, if you do care about him as you say you do. It's about his feelings too, believe it or not, so don't be selfish.

By choice or not, you're in this situation, and all you can do is face it. Tell him, discuss it with him, come out to him, be HONEST with him. Otherwise, you leave him in the dark, and in only two possible states - ignorant and deceived, or hurt and confused. Either way, it bodes badly for him.

Disclosure and honesty are the way to go, so he can move forward on his terms as well, knowing the situation. HOWEVER, a word of caution:

Being honest doesn't mean being reckless. YES, come out to him. You can even bring it up about the porn... "You know that time you saw bareback blondes... it's taken me a while to tell you, but..." etc. This doesn't mean it's the time to profess your undying love for him and how you think about him constantly. No. If he asks, however, if you have feelings for him, once again, be honest. Do not pour absolutely everything and anything on him with no limits, or get carried away. Just be honest, but not dramatic. Honest, but not severe and suffocating. Be gentle.

This, my friend, is the most painless way to do it. And had someone only told me this 7 years ago, I would have been able to do right by myself and my ex-best friend. And yes. Choose to ignore this advice, and you most likely will lose him, forever. Best of luck to you.

 

[theblackajah]

^

On my above post, about that porn thing. Ignore that. That was mixed up from another best friend thread. There are quite a number floating around LOL

 

[spencer]

To the OP, it sounds like you're resolved to try to keep it friendly. Unfortunately, with the cuddling and the phone calls, you're getting more and more drawn in. And with trying to quit turkey, it will strengthen your longing even more.

The only only way for your brain to release this guy is to meet someone that will entertain the gay side of you. You need to meet someone that is gay.

And it's okay to still have a bromance with your best friend, just give yourself an outlet. But I imagine that you're so infatuated that you won't even consider adding anyone more available to your roster.

 

[klbaud]

I've been in your situation, and I've tried what you've done. Trust me, it is not the way to go, and I speak from painful experience.

Doing the "break" thing, or somehow trying to cut him out of your heart for a misguided impression that this is what's best for you and him... that only ends in two things:
a) Heartbreak for you (and severe, prolonged emotional/psychological damage)
b) Confusion and hurt feelings for him

It's the cowardly thing to do, the dramatic thing to do. But it's not the right thing to do.

The only course here that will lead to any sort of closure is honesty. It's also the only way you can do right by your best friend, if you do care about him as you say you do. It's about his feelings too, believe it or not, so don't be selfish.

By choice or not, you're in this situation, and all you can do is face it. Tell him, discuss it with him, come out to him, be HONEST with him. Otherwise, you leave him in the dark, and in only two possible states - ignorant and deceived, or hurt and confused. Either way, it bodes badly for him.

Disclosure and honesty are the way to go, so he can move forward on his terms as well, knowing the situation. HOWEVER, a word of caution:

Being honest doesn't mean being reckless. YES, come out to him. You can even bring it up about the porn... "You know that time you saw bareback blondes... it's taken me a while to tell you, but..." etc. This doesn't mean it's the time to profess your undying love for him and how you think about him constantly. No. If he asks, however, if you have feelings for him, once again, be honest. Do not pour absolutely everything and anything on him with no limits, or get carried away. Just be honest, but not dramatic. Honest, but not severe and suffocating. Be gentle.

This, my friend, is the most painless way to do it. And had someone only told me this 7 years ago, I would have been able to do right by myself and my ex-best friend. And yes. Choose to ignore this advice, and you most likely will lose him, forever. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for your advice, I truly appreciate it.
I've actually taken little steps to telling him how I feel. I've told him that I put him before a lot of people, and that he's my top priority. He doesn't neglect this, and he doesn't ignore it, but it just seems like it's not as important to him as it is to me. I've tried telling him it's important, but I guess it's in his nature to just act how he is. He's not careless, it's just that I think he has other things to worry about--or he probably doesn't think this is worth putting much thought into. That's also why I kinda just want to neglect my feelings for him because even the smaller steps aren't getting anywhere.

To the OP, it sounds like you're resolved to try to keep it friendly. Unfortunately, with the cuddling and the phone calls, you're getting more and more drawn in. And with trying to quit turkey, it will strengthen your longing even more.

The only only way for your brain to release this guy is to meet someone that will entertain the gay side of you. You need to meet someone that is gay.

And it's okay to still have a bromance with your best friend, just give yourself an outlet. But I imagine that you're so infatuated that you won't even consider adding anyone more available to your roster.

You're right, as much as I try to stay away, something always pulls me in. And that is also one of potential solutions I have--I need to find somebody else. The only way I can even consider somebody else, is to release my feelings for my best friend.