My Best Friend the Serial Dater...or Slut?

[jm12480]

So I'm currently staying with my best friend in NYC for a month. We get along great, and love each other dearly. However, I'm starting to pick up on some habits that are fascinating, interesting, disheartening, and altogether confusing.

He broke up with his bf of 3 years back in February, and claims to remain "single." That being said, he's constantly on A4A, OkCupid, and pick any other dating website. He has at least 15 phone numbers in his cell of single named guys (Christopher, et al) and what website they're from...yet he has no idea who any of them are. This week alone, he was given the phone number from a boy at a restaurant whom he then invited him over for wine and cards; I met a guy who has only met ONCE who came over for another game night and they gave each other head in the kitchen while his guest sat in the living room (real classy, I know), and then yesterday, had me wingman for him a boy at Starbucks who looks no older than 15 who came over last night, and I was forced to sleep on the couch while they did whatever it was they did in his bedroom.

And yet...almost daily...he says, "Why can't I just meet a great guy and find someone to love?"

At this, I literally want to punch him in the face and vomit. He's the biggest walking contradiction I've ever seen. Have any of you ever met someone like this? How do you address the issue, or do you just smile, nod, and know that none of these "insta-flings" are gonna work out? How do you help someone you love and care about learn to focus on what's inside a person, rather than how hot they are for a quick roll in the hay? Because personally, I'm tired of hearing "I'm lonely, I want a boyfriend, I want a real relationship" from him when all he does is meet boy after boy after boy for meaningless....wine and cards?!

Men. Can't live with 'em..end of sentence.

 

[Rolyo85]

I think you overreact. I mean, I don't know the guy, but most one-night hook-ups are obvious dead ends, and are based on the mutual understanding that at best they could lead to a FB relationship.

I am kind of in the same boat as your friend. Well, it seems he scores more often than me, but basically I don't see the contradiction in wanting something serious but filling the time with having casual fun. The two do not cancel each other in my experience.

 

[Ephemeral]

You can't expect to find a real relationship when you have a hit-it-and-quit-it mentality. Your actions attract certain people. Those who come probably aren't boyfriend material at the moment.

Tell him to slow it down, to settle for one guy, not one guy for each day of the week.

 

[Seasoned]

He gas to learn his own life lessons.

 

[TX-Beau]

You can't expect to find a real relationship when you have a hit-it-and-quit-it mentality. Your actions attract certain people. Those who come probably aren't boyfriend material at the moment.

Tell him to slow it down, to settle for one guy, not one guy for each day of the week.

Yeah, that's a huge oversimplification, plus it's kinda wrong. Sure you can find a guy while hooking up with a lot of guys. Obviously the guys your friend is hooking up with aren't the relationship guy he's looking for. Frankly the more guys you meet, the better your chances. But really, your friend isn't looking for a relationship, he's just bitching about it. When he gets serious he'll probably start dating guys as well as hooking up with them. He's not doing that now is he?

Anyway, as a friend, crashing on his couch, you're coming across as pretty judgmental. You're not his mommy don't try to be.

 

[slnattak]

Typical gay male attitude. Dump a load in them and then well.... dump them!

Moreover, the mainstream media encourages this behavior so what do you expect? The culture encourages this from the lifestyle. I hear gay men all the time say that being gay isn't a lifestyle, that it's their 'orientation.' If they really believed that, they would be more like straight people and not just fuck everything that moves. But so many gay guys live a stereotypical gay life-style which includes fast easy sex like this.

I don't think it's right or wrong, I am not morally preaching against it. I myself might end up doing this (though I don't want to get STDS) But I don't like hypocrites on both sides. If you want to claim you are for 'gay marriage' then please be the marrying type!

 

[slnattak]

When he gets serious he'll probably start dating guys as well as hooking up with them.

Tx-Beau sweetie, you yourself are in an Open Relationship. I don't know what that means exactly or what the rules are, but my guess is that if you were attracted enough and you both want it, you and another gay man would easily have sex. Riiiiight? That is just what a lot of gay men prefer.

I guess now, the other side of gay guys or whatever, has to not let that bother them or their feelings.

 

[MoltenRock III]

Typical gay male attitude. Dump a load in them and then well.... dump them!

Moreover, the mainstream media encourages this behavior so what do you expect? The culture encourages this from the lifestyle. I hear gay men all the time say that being gay isn't a lifestyle, that it's their 'orientation.' If they really believed that, they would be more like straight people and not just fuck everything that moves. But so many gay guys live a stereotypical gay life-style which includes fast easy sex like this.

I don't think it's right or wrong, I am not morally preaching against it. I myself might end up doing this (though I don't want to get STDS) But I don't like hypocrites on both sides. If you want to claim you are for 'gay marriage' then please be the marrying type!

What an utter load of bullshit. Str8 guys are no better / no worse than gay guys. Get over your insane attitudes about homosexuality, or you'll be a bitter, old, 65 year old dude, whining about how life shortchanged you still.

 

[TX-Beau]

Tx-Beau sweetie, you yourself are in an Open Relationship. I don't know what that means exactly or what the rules are, but my guess is that if you were attracted enough and you both want it, you and another gay man would easily have sex. Riiiiight? That is just what a lot of gay men prefer.

I guess now, the other side of gay guys or whatever, has to not let that bother them or their feelings.

slnattak sweetie my relationship is completely irrelevant in this thread as are your kinda bizarre thoughts about it.

 

[Rolyo85]

Lol. Guys like sex. Guys can't get pregnant. Ergo, it's easier for them to have sex. When you get two guys together, instead of a guy and a girl, all the courting and persuading bullshit just goes away and you have good honest sex.

AND THAT IS WROOOONG!!!

...not

 

[KaraBulut]

At this, I literally want to punch him in the face and vomit. He's the biggest walking contradiction I've ever seen. Have any of you ever met someone like this? How do you address the issue, or do you just smile, nod, and know that none of these "insta-flings" are gonna work out? How do you help someone you love and care about learn to focus on what's inside a person, rather than how hot they are for a quick roll in the hay? Because personally, I'm tired of hearing "I'm lonely, I want a boyfriend, I want a real relationship" from him when all he does is meet boy after boy after boy for meaningless....wine and cards?!

Ultimately, it's his life to live. And it's probably healthier for you if you get away from this environment if you're not comfortable being around it.

If you are bothered by the cognitive dissonance of someone who whines about not having a relationship, yet is using guys solely for sex with no interest in a relationship, then speak up. However, the most you can say is, "There's no point in complaining to me about not finding love when you're just looking for sex".

However, don't expect that you're going to change the behavior of someone who is putting this much effort into looking for anything but a commitment.

 

[canadianguy91]

I was seeing someone similar to your friend. I think they are trying to find
An emotional connection, or to feel loved because they're having sex, but that's not the way it works. I tried the hookup thing because I too was lonely etc but it doesn't provide you with what you crave. He'll realize it sooner it later, just let him figure it out. And if e doesn't, then that's his own fault. If you keepdoing the same things, you'll get the same outcome.