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My BF has NO sex drive!

gwailo

gwailo

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:DWhat do I do? I'm newly out to my closer friends. I got into a searious relationship almost right out of the gate and now I'm stuck in a sexless relationship. We are sexually incompatible but I love the guy but I've been less and less attracted to him sexually because he's just not there for me. Is that shallow?

I practically have to beg for head which is embarassing, and we just plain DON'T have sex. He says he doesn't know why but he has lost his sex drive. Before you guys say "he's cheating on you" I know he's not. He is a genuine person and that's why I'm still with him. I love the guy so this is really hard for me to deal with.

I'm also a genuine guy and don't sleep around. I could very easily get some on the side but he means so much to me I would never do that to him. And I've never been that kind of guy to begin with. I've never cheated on anyone and only had one random hookup outside of my relationships.

What the hell do I do? I'm at a loss.. :(
 
gwailo said:
What the hell do I do? I'm at a loss.. :(
Click to expand...

First, you send your boyfriend to his doctor to find out if there is a physical explanation for his lack of libido.

If that doesn't produce an answer, then you have a decision to make.
 
Talk to him.... peraps there is an underlying problem.
 
Have you considered that maybe he just doesn't have feelings for you, but is too polite to just come out and say it? These things can happen.
 
there has to be something either physical or emotional going on with him, talk to him about it and find out what's the matter.
 
I know how you feel mate.
I have exactly the same problem.
He tells me that he is very stressed due to imminent redundancy, however his sex drive is generally much lower than mine.
It's very frustrating indeed
 
Thanks guys. We've talked this out several times. We are very open with eachother and it works great with everything else. He wont go to the doctor and he wont bother figuring out the real problem. He just tells me to jerk off to satisfy myself. Its really frustrating. He basically controls our sex life. If he doesn't want to do anything nothing happens. I'm so starved that I need to be ready at any moment on the off chance he IS in the mood at any given time. This leads to night after night of disappointment.

So I try to "self medicate" by rubbing one out on a regular basis in hopes that I just become less horny and sexually needy but I don't enjoy half of my jo's because I'm not doing it for fun. I'm doing it out of frustration..

I'm not a sex addict either. I only jo about once a week. I've explained to him that I don't need a sexual release every night or day but when he doesn't want to have sex for months I get a little horny.

If I wanted to jo all the time I could do it single and look for someone I'm more sexually compatible with. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in a year and a half. And most of those times were in the first few months.. maybe he just know he can have it whenever he wants and knows I'm always going to be ready to go so he doesn't feel the need to try? I dunno. When I ask him to consider my needs he says he doesn't know what to tell me other than to jerk off if I'm that horny. I don't feel sexy...
 
well mate, I hate to say this really but given what you have just said I think there's not a real future for your relationship, you can try talking to him once again but if you get the same answers somehow to me it means he doesn't care enough about you and the relationship. I know it's tough but you should put an end to this and move on, it has already started to screw with your self-esteem, in this case it's better sooner than later.

wish you luck.
 
Have you asked him why he doesn't want to go to the doctor? Has he always had issues with the doctor?
 
I dunno. He has a great Med. plan.. he's told me that sex isn't a big deal to him yet when we first started dating we would frequently sexy and jo for eachother and talk about stuff he was into like pissing and toys and stuff.. now Im not particularly IN to pissing but he made himseld out to be much more sexual than he is.. we've been living together for 9 months and been together for almost a year and a half. Its the holidays.. I don't want to crush his feelings but its starting to affect my overall view of him.

He doesn't clean anything, he's, really messy, unmmotivated and kinda lazy. He also doesn't put any effort into staying physically fit. None of this used to matter to me because I love him and I could see past all of it. Its starting to get to me though and the little things are bugging me. On top of his sloth personality I don't get anything physical or emotional out of the relationship. Why am I still with him? Why do I love him? /:
 
gwailo said:
I dunno. He has a great Med. plan.. he's told me that sex isn't a big deal to him yet when we first started dating we would frequently sexy and jo for eachother and talk about stuff he was into like pissing and toys and stuff.. now Im not particularly IN to pissing but he made himseld out to be much more sexual than he is.. we've been living together for 9 months and been together for almost a year and a half. Its the holidays.. I don't want to crush his feelings but its starting to affect my overall view of him.

He doesn't clean anything, he's, really messy, unmmotivated and kinda lazy. He also doesn't put any effort into staying physically fit. None of this used to matter to me because I love him and I could see past all of it. Its starting to get to me though and the little things are bugging me. On top of his sloth personality I don't get anything physical or emotional out of the relationship. Why am I still with him? Why do I love him? /:
Click to expand...

Was he into pissing et al. during chats or was he also into these things once you met in real life?

Frankly, there doesn't seem to be all that many great things about him. However, I think sometimes we can focus on the few good things that outweigh the bad. So it makes sense that you are still into him.

I'm assuming you haven't been with that many guys before.
 
We were dating in real life the whole time? Lol but we were talking about all these things while we were starting to date so we were already seeing eachother and being physical. We just never did any of the things we talked about. ...and yes I'm trying to focus on the good things but when I ask myself why I still love him, the only reason I can come up with is he is trustworthy (and disease free) I'm I just staying with him because he's safe to be with?

Maybe I just care about him? Thing is... if I break it off with him, I won't be able to be his friend so I would lose him completely :(

This fuckin suuuuuuuucks
 
I think you are beginning to see your boyfriend's true self and he is no longer trying to impress you. He might just have very little interest in sex and there is nothing wrong with that.
 
You're right, there is nothing wrong with someone not having a high sex drive ...or even a sex drive at all.. but if you claim to stuff in the past and continuously state you have been real from the start (a quote he loves to repeat), its hard to hear again and again.

I'm not perfect. But I'm honest.
 
gwailo said:
You're right, there is nothing wrong with someone not having a high sex drive ...or even a sex drive at all.. but if you claim to stuff in the past and continuously state you have been real from the start (a quote he loves to repeat), its hard to hear again and again.

I'm not perfect. But I'm honest.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.

As far as the being real from the start bit, generally I think that's bullshit. People don't always know how they appear to others. He may think he's been real from the start, but the reality is, that's not true according to what you've told us.

I would move on. You deserve better.
 
I'm scared to move on because I'm so comfortable with him. We feel safe with eachother. I'm a relationship guy. My last (female) relationship was nearly 4 years and ended in a rejected marriage proposal. Its kida funny cuz she wanted to get married from the start and when things got rocky at the end I proposed out of desparation. Thank god she rejected me because she was not right for me and I was only doing it for her she knew I was bi but never really believed me. She ended up getting preggo and married in 4 months post break up and told me she wished she had stuck with me...yikes..

Anyway. I feel like I'm doing it all over again. Commiting to this guy when my love is fading :( I don't want to hurt him. I feel more comfortble with him than anyone in my entire life :( :(
 
gwailo said:
I'm scared to move on because I'm so comfortable with him. We feel safe with eachother. I'm a relationship guy. My last (female) relationship was nearly 4 years and ended in a rejected marriage proposal. Its kida funny cuz she wanted to get married from the start and when things got rocky at the end I proposed out of desparation. Thank god she rejected me because she was not right for me and I was only doing it for her she knew I was bi but never really believed me. She ended up getting preggo and married in 4 months post break up and told me she wished she had stuck with me...yikes..

Anyway. I feel like I'm doing it all over again. Commiting to this guy when my love is fading :( I don't want to hurt him. I feel more comfortble with him than anyone in my entire life :( :(
Click to expand...

I felt really comfortable with my ex too, but that doesn't mean breaking up with him wasn't the best thing I've ever done. He's a nice guy, but only as a friend, not as a boyfriend.
 
Well this is lame. I'm still trying to see past all of the little things because I feel like I'm being shallow for resenting the way he is. Like I'm some mightier than thow being who can do no wrong. I'm not. I can be annoying and selfish. I have personality traits that are probably unattractive to some, and the last thing I want to do is make him feel like he is failing as a person. He is a sweet guy. He's just not a very good boyfriend :(

I reread one of my previous posts about him not being physically fit and I don't want you guys to think I'm being shallow. He used to run track years before I knew him and I myself used to be a trained athlete and still work in my sport. I'm not the most motivated when it comes to fitness, but I do ok keeping fit and I guess I am pretty health concious ...though I do enjoy the burgers and pizzas! But I can't even get him to take 10 mins. to do situps or 20 mins. to go jogging with me. I know it will give him more energy and maybe amp him up for a little fun, but he doesn't seem to care..

I guess I just wanted to clarify my above statement of him not being fit. I wasn't trying to be a jerk about his body. He's not fat or anything (not that theirs anything wrong with some extra lovin ;)) he's just not putting any effort into...anything it seems.

Sorry it seems like all I'm doing is bitching... :( but I'm sure you guys can respect how good it feels to just get this stuff out of my head and into words.

Thanks for listening. If you have anymore advice id love to hear it

Ps. Sorry about my grammar and punctuations. I only have internet on my phone right now...not the most ideal keyboard.
 
It's possible that there's an underlying problem- like depression- that would account for your boyfriend not taking care of his body, not having a clean home and not being interested in sex.

But this comes down to whether or not he's willing to change. If someone is in this condition and isn't willing to make changes or go to the doctor to find out if there is a problem, then there's not really much chance for a future in your relationship.

You have a choice to make- either you soldier on in sexless relationship or you make a change in your own life to move on to another relationship that gives you the things that you need.
 
^^^what Karabulut said.

It could be various things - depression, self esteem, and or issues with intimacy. Though I am not in a relationship, I have been there.

If he's not willing to seek help, then you're at an impasse and might have to make a decision if sex is one of the things that is important to you (naturally so).
 
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