My BF has NO sex drive!

[gwailo]

See now I don't want "sex" to be my reasoning. It just seems to be the straw that broke the camels back. If I was getting everything else (or ANYTHING else) out of the relationship, MAYBE sex wouldn't be such a deal breaker but I feel foolish for being in a relationship where nothing is working and on TOP of that, no sex is to be had. Not even playing around or making out anymore. He doesn't say goodnight. He doesn't say I love you. He gives me the obligitory peck on the cheek and "luv u" when he leaves or comes home from work but that's it.

I try to start kissing him in the morning and he says "5 more minutes" cuz he wants to sleep. So I try to play around with him or kiss him after he's awake and up for the day and he says "there's no time" because it takes him 2 fucking hours to get ready for work.. so I try and be sexy for him when he gets home from work and he says "let me unwind. I just got home" so I leave him alone until we go to bed and when we get in bed I will maybe tickle poke or play with him and he says "I'm tired and I worked hard" so I suggest we take a hot shower together and he says "it will wake me back up and I want to go to sleep"

On his days off he sleeps half the day and I'm either working or we just chill most of the day. When I do try to start things up he says "its my day off. Let me relax"

Now I don't do all of this every day. That would be fucking annoying even to me! I'm just giving you examples. And its not like he is over worked. He works one job retail. I own my own business and work a 2nd job. Shouldn't I be the tired one?

My favorite excuse of his is he says he never gets a chance to initiate anything because I'm always kissing him or trying to cuddle up to him but when I let HIM take control he does nothing. I will spend days just lying in bed or sitting on the couch and he will just go on his merry way obliviously (or maybe not) ignoring me like its nothing and I don't need to feel loved. OR (and this is the best part), he thinks I'm mad at him and constantly asks me what's wrong. You are in a weird mood. Its really fucking annoying its like he doesn't want me to be pushy about sex but when I'm not, he thinks something is wrong. Nothing WOULD be wrong if he'd just follow thru on initiating some intimacy in our relationship! GAHHH!

 

[Echoes]

See now I don't want "sex" to be my reasoning. It just seems to be the straw that broke the camels back. If I was getting everything else (or ANYTHING else) out of the relationship, MAYBE sex wouldn't be such a deal breaker but I feel foolish for being in a relationship where nothing is working and on TOP of that, no sex is to be had. Not even playing around or making out anymore. He doesn't say goodnight. He doesn't say I love you. He gives me the obligitory peck on the cheek and "luv u" when he leaves or comes home from work but that's it.

I try to start kissing him in the morning and he says "5 more minutes" cuz he wants to sleep. So I try to play around with him or kiss him after he's awake and up for the day and he says "there's no time" because it takes him 2 fucking hours to get ready for work.. so I try and be sexy for him when he gets home from work and he says "let me unwind. I just got home" so I leave him alone until we go to bed and when we get in bed I will maybe tickle poke or play with him and he says "I'm tired and I worked hard" so I suggest we take a hot shower together and he says "it will wake me back up and I want to go to sleep"

On his days off he sleeps half the day and I'm either working or we just chill most of the day. When I do try to start things up he says "its my day off. Let me relax"

Now I don't do all of this every day. That would be fucking annoying even to me! I'm just giving you examples. And its not like he is over worked. He works one job retail. I own my own business and work a 2nd job. Shouldn't I be the tired one?

My favorite excuse of his is he says he never gets a chance to initiate anything because I'm always kissing him or trying to cuddle up to him but when I let HIM take control he does nothing. I will spend days just lying in bed or sitting on the couch and he will just go on his merry way obliviously (or maybe not) ignoring me like its nothing and I don't need to feel loved. OR (and this is the best part), he thinks I'm mad at him and constantly asks me what's wrong. You are in a weird mood. Its really fucking annoying its like he doesn't want me to be pushy about sex but when I'm not, he thinks something is wrong. Nothing WOULD be wrong if he'd just follow thru on initiating some intimacy in our relationship! GAHHH!

^
Copy this and get it printed, when he gets home sit on your couch and say nothing, wait until he asks what's wrong and tell him to sit by you, then start reading it out loud.


best of luck.

 

[gwailo]

We went thru this a few weeks ago where I put my feelings in writing. Nothing was resolved he tried for a few weeks to be more cuddly. ..which went to the extent of spooning me for 5 minutes before rolling over and going to sleep..I wish I was exaggerating.

Wow.. the more I type, the more unhappy I feel

 

[texan_slant]

Wow.. the more I type, the more unhappy I feel

BINGO. You're not the bad guy. This is BEYOND sex. It's the pleasure of intimacy, feeling loved, and NOT unwanted.

You hit the nail directly on the head. You're unhappy, and you've tried everything in the book - including writing out your feelings - so, where's his effort? The choice is now your's, and rightfully so. Break up with him, if you have to, to find happiness.

Sounds like you need some lovin, hun! I wish I could give you a hug right now.

 

[gwailo]

Yeah scoobie, I feel like I've exhausted all my options. He seems to be finding any excuse now not to be intimate. Earlier today we obviously had Thanksgiving dinner so I was stuffed and mentioned that my stomach hurt. I figured ok I didn't bug him about anything yesterday, I jo'd the day before and we haven't fooled around in forever. We had a simple Thanksgiving with friends at our place. They left hours ago. We just chilled for a few hours alone watching TV. The nite was winding down. I said why don't we go into the bedroom? And kissed his ear and neck. He looked at me and said he didn't want to so I said we can stay on the couch. And he said he wanted to just relax because it was his day off. I said we've been hanging out all day. So he throws at me "you said ur stomach hurt. I don't want to get sick." That pissed me off...

We just got into a confrontation and he stormed off.. this is fuckin gay (in a bad way).

Is there anything else I can do before I give up on this?

 

[Rooster]

Is there anything else I can do before I give up on this?

Couples counseling.

If you want to put the work into saving the relationship then I suggest you tell him you want to go see a therapist with him.

If cost is a concern, then most social workers/therapists have a sliding scale for payment. It's worth the investment and I've seen it save many relationships.

If he won't go, then I still recommend you go see one. That way you will have an empathetic ear available as you are figuring out what you want to do.

 

[Mstrshake]

Yeah scoobie, I feel like I've exhausted all my options. He seems to be finding any excuse now not to be intimate. Earlier today we obviously had Thanksgiving dinner so I was stuffed and mentioned that my stomach hurt. I figured ok I didn't bug him about anything yesterday, I jo'd the day before and we haven't fooled around in forever. We had a simple Thanksgiving with friends at our place. They left hours ago. We just chilled for a few hours alone watching TV. The nite was winding down. I said why don't we go into the bedroom? And kissed his ear and neck. He looked at me and said he didn't want to so I said we can stay on the couch. And he said he wanted to just relax because it was his day off. I said we've been hanging out all day. So he throws at me "you said ur stomach hurt. I don't want to get sick." That pissed me off...

We just got into a confrontation and he stormed off.. this is fuckin gay (in a bad way).

Is there anything else I can do before I give up on this?

See, to me, this is unimaginable. I simply cannot ever see myself blatantly neglecting somebody like this. I feel incredibly sorry for you and I mean that with the utmost sincerity. I am sorry that this is not working out. From your posts, you seem like a really good guy.

The best of luck to you.

 

[gwailo]

Well I think its over. I just laid out my feelings again. Asked him if we could go see a doctor. He says. He thought things were fine. I told him everything I felt and he's still not getting it. He thinks he's doing enough. He wont go see anyone. I wasnt yelling or fighting when I asked him about seeing someone so it wasn't a hostile approach. He's either in denial or he just doesn't care enough? Either way I don't think I can do it anymore. I told him he wasn't making me happy and we haven't said a word since. I'm on the couch...

I think I'm fucked. *sigh*

 

[jasonexfed]

So if there's no sexual chemsitry then you're basically roommates or best friends right? Like the only difference between a best friend and a bf would be crossing the intamacy line... in my opnion anyways...

 

[gwailo]

^ that's pretty much what I told him I felt like to him. Nothing more than his roommate or friend. He didn't have a response. Aghhhh!

 

[Echoes]

well mate, I hate to say this really but given what you have just said I think there's not a real future for your relationship, you can try talking to him once again but if you get the same answers somehow to me it means he doesn't care enough about you and the relationship. I know it's tough but you should put an end to this and move on, it has already started to screw with your self-esteem, in this case it's better sooner than later.

wish you luck.

again I'm sorry but I think this is what's left.

 

[gwailo]

Yeah well I guess I know what I have to do if I want to be happy. I just feel selfish for putting my needs before his. He obviously needs someone interested (and not interested) in the same things that he is/isn't interested in and he needs someone he can trust and be comfortable with and open up to. Not to sound too cheesy but I was his rock. I was weird with him. I was silly with him. I was emotional with him. This is going to be hard for both of us.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yeah well I guess I know what I have to do if I want to be happy. I just feel selfish for putting my needs before his.

Somehow, we have gotten this idea that either a person is selfish or self-sacrificing. Actually, relationships are always a combination of both. Sometimes you have to put the other person's needs first. Sometimes you have to put your needs first.

And you should not have to feel guilty for putting your needs ahead of his.

Your boyfriend is making a choice not to deal with the issue. That's a largely selfish decision on his part. But you're feeling guilty because you want to have a healthy, well-rounded relationship?

You're enabling his selfish choice. If he valued the relationship, he'd do something about the problem.

He obviously needs someone interested (and not interested) in the same things that he is/isn't interested in and he needs someone he can trust and be comfortable with and open up to. (

That's the definition of a friendship.

You can still be friends. You deserve something more and this guy doesn't seem to be committed to giving you more. It's not going to be easy but what's the alternative?

 

[hotb0d]

time to go back to the friend zone.

 

[joeyonastick]

My BF and I met in an online chat room on July 4, 2007. Two months later we met in a hotel and had non-stop sex for 3 days. We moved in together and the sex was good for two years then everything just stopped. We went from having sex two to three times a week to twice a month. I am horny and jerk off 4-5 times a week but he never masturbates. He says he has no interest in sex. I'm 46 and he's 39 . It's painful to be in a loving relationship and yet intimacy has been lost.

 

[Seasoned]

I find it difficult to understand how one spouse is willing to turn the world upside down while the other won't get off the sofa. Sometimes an ultimatum, but you have to mean it, is the only choice. "Get your ass to couple's counseling with me or I'm ending the relationship." Both people have to work at a relationship. If a relationship was meant to be one sided it would have been named accommodation.

 

[chrisdobro]

If your relationship is anything like mine, this situation is unlikely to improve. I'd prefer a real time conversation instead of giving advice, but I can convey my own story.

My first serious relationship was and is with an older guy. We were reasonably good at first. He was not ideal sex partner for me, but we managed. Later, he had kidney stones and the operation he went trough either messed up or coincided with an enlarged prostate problem. Compounded with other things like prescribed drugs he was taking and other interpersonal issues our sex was worse and worse until it became such an unpleasant chore for us, that we stopped.

His desire for sex is apparently less frequent than mine. Over time we've negotiated a half-open relationship where I get to have sex with guys I find outside. That takes the edge off of our issue with sex, but doesn't solve it. I still want to have sex with him sometimes, but he is seemingly just not into it. Me finding other guys to have sex with is a pain. Most people want to have one night stands. The rules I have with my partner are to have safe sex only. He is concerned about what I do with other people and if I am safe. I've gotten yeast infections and herpes type 1, when I first was not careful enough. My main concern is HIV and I play careful enough to make that risk as close to zero as I can. Me and my partner stay together anyway for many various reasons. He calls it love. I don't call it, I just feel that it's best for me at this time. There is love of course. Leaving will create a great deal of pain for me and for him. Will leaving solve my sex issue? Perhaps, but I don't think that there is a package out there that will specifically be better for me.

What you might want to consider is the length of your relationship now, what are the reason for lack of sex and what things might be like in the future.

 

[cliffdweller]

Honestly, it sounds like you're way too needy for him. It also sounds like you nag him a lot. That will kill anyone's sex drive. I just got out of a relationship earlier this year and it was b/c I just couldn't take his neediness and incessant nagging anymore. I completely lost interest in having sex with him, because who wants to have sex with someone who's just spent the whole day nagging you about stupid shit, like leaving a cup in the sink?

You seriously jump on him the minute he walks in the door or the instant he wakes up in the morning? That would put me in a seriously pissy mood.

Anyway, you should put him out of his misery and call it quits. I decided that I'm probably way too introverted to be in a relationship. Of course, he cried when I broke up with him and went into a diatribe about what a horrible person I am, but whatever. I find some comfort in the fact that I'm in another state now. I convinced myself that I was in love with him, but it wasn't until he was gone that I realized how much I truly disliked and resented him.

 

[Rolyo85]

I was in literally the exact same situation recently. Four words: It. Can. Not. Work.

I also had feelings for my guy, he's an awesome person, and we connected well emotionally. But he wasn't there for me sexually. And that thing about medical problems - I don't buy it. Different people just need different amount of sex. There are those who rarely need it at all. Me - I need it a few times a day. That isn't ok, especially for a newly come out. You need what you need, and there is nothing shallow about that. Honestly, a serious relationship is rarely the best thing when you are barely (or even not completely) out of the closet. You still don't know exactly who you are, what you want, what you NEED.

I won't tell you what to do, but I CAN tell you that your relationship will not work. One way or another resentment will build up and it will get eaten from the inside. I decided to call mine off early on, and we remained friends. There was no drama, he understood me, and he was aware that neither of us was what the other one needed at the moment.

Being in something that isn't fulfilling for you is a waste of both of your time.

 

[workingman1291]

Well if you ask me maybe he just isn't turned on or just isn't in the good old fashioned "the mood". In my opinion don't ask for sex or even hint at it for a while, but do things where he'll be turned on: walk around the house/apartment naked and either a little sweaty, wet, after you jacked off so you have that aroma that drives everyone crazy (an erection doesn't hurt), snuggle up to him on the couch and for an hour or so just touch him everywhere (just glide your fingers over his skin), but just seem physically attrated to him.

I'm sorry to say if nothing does lead you to the magical room for the big O; then maybe see other people for a while or maybe it is time to just break it off and look for someone else.