My boyfriend and I broke up.

[saymyname]

Well. A lot of you have seen all the threads about our problems.

We had an amazing relationship, though. We both still love each other.

It was mutual. I was thinking about it, he was thinking about it, neither of us wanted to do it. I knew something was wrong and we were having a bad week, and how amazing we used to be together, it hasn't been like that for a while. I knew he'd changed since I met him. We both know we're really young to be that in love. We both know we in different places, different levels.

But it's hard as fuck to admit all of that when you both openly acknowledge: I still fucking love you.

I asked him, "do you still love me?" and he said yes. I said, "do you still want to be with me?" and he started bawling. Then we spend at least an hour together talking and crying and holding each other. And crying. And I felt like I was going to pass out. The logical reasons on both of our sides make sense: he's 18, he needs to experience other things, we're very serious, it's only going to get more serious. I'm graduating university in a year, he doesn't even know if he's going to be in school next year. I like poetry, art, and literature. He likes clubbing, fashion, pop culture. We fought. He was emotionally neglectful.

But we had our own little universe and it was amazing.

But that was like, 20 percent of what the actual relationship was. That wasn't reality.

I tried to pack my clothes I had at his apartment, put them into a bag, but I started crying and couldn't handle it. Neither of us wanted to do this... it's so fucked up. We both knew it was coming - he didn't want to do it because he didn't want me to be surprised, and vice versa.

The only thing that I'm really worried about, I mean, other than being totally fucking fucked up that a year long relationship just ended and I loved him so hard, is the thought: what if we're wrong? And he says he knows too. Like he feels that too. We just broke up, but we still love each other. My head says it's right, my heart is in knots. I'll never love like that again - not that kind of love, not that playfulness, not pretending we're in a house underneath a pillow, not the sedative love we had.

I feel like someone just died.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm wishing you well and I'm offering sympathy on your loss. You are doing the right thing just by the fact it is mutual and so sad for both of you. Now the two of you will have to decide if you'll still be in touch.

If you are meant to be together long term you'll find your way back to each other. Try very hard to keep busy and feel these feelings. I know it hurts like hell, but be grateful for your great capacity to love.

Good luck to both of you.

 

[rareboy]

You'll both find someone else.

 

[saymyname]

I cried myself to sleep and reading soreknees post made me tear up.

Yeah, we might both find someone else. But it will never be like what we had. I think that's what's killing me the most. I know we're different people and we logically should let each other go in our different directions, but we love each other so much. I've never heard of two people breaking up and crying and holding each other and kissing and being mutually devastated. Something about it doesn't feel right, in my heart.

We talked online a little bit last night and all he could say was "we're so young," and I keep thinking about that, maybe we'll get back together, but that's such a dangerous thing to think about and consider. He said he doesn't yoyo, but it's not like people plan on being in an off again on again thing. I don't think those are healthy either. But... I don't know. We both can't imagine this is the end. It feels so awful that I just want to say, let's try again, in a couple months, or something.

 

[breathe]

Hey-- you are both very young. Perhaps it's a case of "Right person, wrong time." If that's the case, maybe you will find your way back to each other. Or, maybe you will not.

What counts is that this was a mutual decision, and I think you have a lot to be happy about with that.

Just take one day at a time-- I'm sure you will figure out if you want to be in touch, and to what degree.

You have a very full life ahead of you-- just relax. It's all gonna be okay.

 

[saymyname]

Today was the first complete day being broken up with him. It was so fucking hard. I laid on the floor of my room crying. I felt like all I could do was cry.

Tonight I'm trying to go out with a friend to see a band and going with a guy I hooked up with before. Not that I want to hook up again, I can't handle that shit. But it'll just be nice to have company.

At one point I finally caved in and texted him saying, "I can't fucking do this." and we eventually ended up talking on the phone for 45 minutes... he says it's just as hard for him, but he's being way more rational. I've always been really emotional. He says I need to stop thinking about it, and especially stop thinking about the good parts, because we both know there was more bad than good, and that's true. But I asked him how do you know we couldn't work it out, and he said because even if we tried, there would be something to fight about, because our chemistry together is not the same. I know rationally that he's right, but emotionally I'm torn up. I asked him if, if he let himself think about the good, like me, if he'd still feel so confident in our decision, and he said he knows that we had a big love, and he still loves me, but knowing that we're too different, and we want different things from each other, that even those good things don't outweigh the problems. I told him I'm just not sure I can throw it all away so fast.

It's so weird because I always thought when people break up, that one person was mad at the other, or they really hated each other, or something. But it feels like we are torturing ourselves. I felt like saying to him: let's just try again. But whenever I listened to him, he made so much sense. He's 18, he wants to be single. We have different interests. I want someone I can communicate really well with, he didn't want to be so serious. We fought over stupid things. I guess I'm just wondering how much of it is him wanting to be free and single, and how much of it is that our relationship wasn't working. He said maybe in some time he'll realize how good we had it, and how he always wants what he can't have and once he has something he doesn't want it as much, but that we shouldn't have hope for the future because that will just make it harder, and that we're going to keep changing.

I told him how I'm sad because when I think about the good moments - I can't help it - when I think of him cooking naked in the kitchen and jumping on me and wrapping his legs and arms around me naked, and all the goofy shit we did together, I feel like I'll never get that again. He said that that wasn't what we had, that's just him, that's his goofiness, and if I like that, it's because I like younger guys, and younger guys are goofy in general. He has a point. I guess it's just that he's being way more steadfast and I'm still wondering, could we make it, could we make it. We still love each other, so this feels like hell.

We decided not to talk until Wednesday. I know at some point I'm going to tell him I want him back. Even though I know it wasn't working. But maybe in time, I don't know. We've already decided we will be friends in the future, we both still think each other are great people. I just wish I would have fought last night, I sort of regret saying how much I was thinking of it too. I still love him.

 

[hotatlboi]

Dude I read your previous threads and you absolutely did the right thing.

You were totally devaluing your present emotional wellbeing for the delusion of holding onto a fantasy of what your relationship could be like if it was perfect.

This relationship was never going to work, at least you realize that he recognizes that now. I think you need to recognize it too.

 

[tallguy297]

We decided not to talk until Wednesday. I know at some point I'm going to tell him I want him back. Even though I know it wasn't working. But maybe in time, I don't know. We've already decided we will be friends in the future, we both still think each other are great people. I just wish I would have fought last night, I sort of regret saying how much I was thinking of it too. I still love him.

Mate, wanting him back is a logical and human reaction.

But is it the right one? Honestly?

You mention earlier in your post that hes being rational and your being emotional, and you've hit it right on the head. Right now, whatever his motives, hes seeing things more clearly and you need to take the lead from him because you are destined to get hurt.

He's dealing, hes focused on moving forward and hes rationalizing for a reason... because he believes it to be over and for the best. Its harsh, its hard to hear, but it seems to be the truth.

For you to hang on and hope, to try and change things will only result in more pain for you.

Breaking up is never a 50:50 split... as human beings someone always invest more, feels more, hurts more. Sadly for you mate in this case that happens to be you.

Relationships are about lessons and learning. Experiencing and stretching boundaries. And part of that sometimes is breaking up.

There will always be good in a relationship, its why they happen in the first place. There will always be memories and happiness. There will always be reasons to hang on or try again.

But to ignore the other side, to pretend the bad (which is always there too, dont be naive enough to think relationships are ever perfect) doesnt matter or can be ignored means that you havent learned, you havent really seen this from a far enough distance to get perspective yet.

SMN, be proud that you loved. Feel in awe of the wave of emotion that controls you right now, and know that for many they are too shy, too closed off or untrusting to have expereinced that, feel lucky to have had what you did.

But also know, listen and understand that voice that says it was the right thing to do. To ignore whatever drove you to make this hard decision in the first place isnt you, and you know better than that.

As others have said, if it was meant to be, somehow, somewhere, you two will find you way back to each other, with more perspective. more balance and more understanding.

But for now, be brave enough and strong enough to acknowledge that what was, was, and as beautiful as parts of it were, its simply not enough to keeping hurting each other over. Because both of you have shown a strength, maturity and respect for each other that means no matter what, you will each have a place in the others heart.

And thats a far better way to leave things then to let them deteriorate. It corny but its true when they say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

 

[saymyname]

Thank you guys, both of you. I am trying. It's crazy how no matter how much something isn't working with someone, or how unfulfilled I felt (and I did, him too at points) I know I would have stayed in it, and just kept getting hurt. It was neglectful, and it was addictive. I totally know the rationale of it all. It's my memories and my heart that hurts. It's really hard to get my mind somewhere else, too. He's always been good at that, for me it is very difficult.

 

[sabot3ur]

Yeah, we might both find someone else. But it will never be like what we had.

change that might into a will, and the second part is just not true.

you are going to be alive for quite a while and with that comes many experiences. so many opportunities for love, you just have to keep on at it.

 

[Sha-Rok]

It gets easier in time as long as you completely break off contact. I mean zero contact.

 

[saymyname]

It gets easier in time as long as you completely break off contact. I mean zero contact.

Easier said than done. Maybe if one of us hated each other that would be possible... but we talked every day for over a year. It's fucking killing me...

 

[Yuki Sohma]

Breaking it off is never easy but I agree with Sha-Rok

It gets easier in time as long as you completely break off contact. I mean zero contact.

& I will just add that given some time the pain will heel if you want it--sending lots of s your way

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Easier said than done. Maybe if one of us hated each other that would be possible...

Hate isn't the opposite of love. Indifference is. You need to let that "indifference" grow a bit. Focus on things other than him, so he can cease being a huge void in your life, and become more a pleasant memory.

Lex

 

[saymyname]

We aren't talking until Wednesday, and it's killing me... all I can think about is what I'm going to say to him, what I'll tell him, what I'll do...

I know that, if we are going to ever get back together or not, either way, texting and calling and being crazy is not attractive, so I haven't been doing that. But since I know we aren't supposed to talk until Wednesday, I just keep thinking about that.

Does anyone have any advice on how to take your mind off it? I keep having random outbursts of crying like every hour or so for about 5 or 10 minutes, then I stop.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, I don't usually say this but go out, have a drink, relax.

Leave your phone at home, and go out.

You need distraction, find a nice go go boy and slip bills in his jock, go to the beach, go bowling, do something, anything that gets you out of the house.

Whatever you do, I'm serious about the phone. You can't be trusted with it yet.

 

[saymyname]

OK, I don't usually say this but go out, have a drink, relax.

Leave your phone at home, and go out.

You need distraction, find a nice go go boy and slip bills in his jock, go to the beach, go bowling, do something, anything that gets you out of the house.

Whatever you do, I'm serious about the phone. You can't be trusted with it yet.

I went out last night and let a boy I hooked up with spend the night on my couch (he was in my bed for a while but I couldn't handle it).

Yeah, the phone is an issue. So is being on this fucking computer all the time, checking his facebook profile, seeing if he's on MSN, skype, gay hook up sites we meant each other on... fuck fuck fuck. I just wrote down a list of questions I want to ask him Wednesday that basically consists us, are you sure we're not salvageable, and do you really think you did your part, carried your weight, in trying to make us work, or do you subsconsciously want to be single so badly - regardless of if we're good or not - that you didn't work on our problems so that you can just experience being 18 and single. And then, another aspect, that's like, what about when you experience that for a couple of months, and you realize how good you had it?

We both made this decision with our heads. But it feels so fucking wrong in my heart. And now I feel like he's going to be bullheaded and be all, we made our decision, without letting himself feel his emotions.

I guess the best thing I can do is let him go and stay friends and see what happens once he sees how dating in the city isn't really how fun it looks on Sex and the City. Literally, that's what he said he wanted.

 

[saymyname]

Oh god.

I am FINALLY starting to feel a *little* bit better, ie, not feeling like I've just been shot in the heart... don't know how long it will last, but I want to get some of my thoughts out while my feeling of clarity is here.

So I just got off the phone with my mom with a 36 long minute conversation and she points out so many things I forget to see. But it all started because, well, he posted a new pic of himself tonight on facebook: he died his hair. And it just got me thinking about what people say about when someone tries so hard to switch up their image because they're still going through so many stages in their own personal self discovery. And I started to think about how that really seems like it's the case with him and for whatever reason, maybe cause I like the him that I like and was used to, I can't be around for that.

My mom pointed out to me how, to him, it might look like this: I'm graduating in a year, he's not even sure if he's going to school. I live totally on my own, in a city where I have no family and have lived in for 3 years and I make it. He was born here and has family 30 minutes away. I have a pretty solid idea of the kind of person I am, he's still discovering. I've had my experiences, I've slept around, I've been all over the place -- he hasn't.

So there's this huge experience gap between us.

But this is what is making me feel better, this knowledge: at first I was upset because, the reasons he gave for breaking up (other than the simple fact that he wants to be single, and grow) were so stock: we're too different, it wasn't working, we fight too much, etc. And those reasons made me so sad at first because I knew that they weren't really satisfactory. He said that if the relationship was better, he wouldn't feel such an urge to be single. But I realized that the plain fact of the matter is, that he just wants to be single, REGARDLESS of how good or bad the relationship was. He LET it get bad because he wanted to be single, and that's why for the last 6 months I always felt like he never pulled his fucking weight, he never compromised, and he never tried to make us better. He let it rot so that he could use our problems, which he never really worked on, as an out. And that's why when we first broke up, why I said: are you sure we couldn't work these problems out? And now I realize, we could have worked them out: he didn't want to, because the real solid issue here is that he just wants to be single. And that's why it hurts so much and why we're still in love and yet he's leaving. It doesn't matter how bad or good it was, he's having an identity crisis and having someone around that has expectations of him isn't part of that world right now.

So I'm going to tell him, first, I want you to admit this, and admit that if you wanted to work on our problems, you probably could have tried harder. Cause I know I did. I wasn't asking for much. He just didn't want to work on it for his reasons. So then I want to say to him, go ahead then and be single if you think that's what you have to do right now, but don't act like we're these fucking star-crossed lovers that could have never worked out - this is YOUR shit, not mine. Go sleep around. Go wake up next to someone you don't know the name of. I did it, I know what it's like. So do it, and good luck finding another guy that writes you poetry and that you love so much it hurts to leave and that even your mom was fond of. He needs to experience that but I also need to tell him that this isn't really my fault if he plain and simple wants to be single right now, and that he's going to look back and realize he didn't know how lucky he was until it was gone. He even admitted that himself a little bit, that he always wants what he can't have, and when he has it he doesn't want it as much (I think I mentioned that already) and that's fucked up.

 

[StlKj]

Denial--We have all these problems, but I still love him, so I'm going to ignore them.

Anger--I'm going to call him on Wednesday and get harsh with him because of what I think he should have done to carry his weight.

Bargaining--What you're going to want to do to get him back when you realize being vicious was only lashing out at him while ignoring your own part in all of this.

Depression--What you're going to feel as he continues on with his life while you feel like a huge part of yours has ended.

Acceptance--ready for you when you're ready for it.


The call on Wednesday is a bad idea. What you're planning on saying to him is a bad idea. It will not make you feel better, because it's not being said out of processing after the fact; it's being said to to stir up emotions, and it will be hurtful for you both. And if you are honest with yourself, even saying all of those things is just you trying to get him back, trying to get him somehow to give you the closure you need.

He can't give you closure, especially if you're the one keeping it open.

 

[saymyname]

Denial--We have all these problems, but I still love him, so I'm going to ignore them.

Anger--I'm going to call him on Wednesday and get harsh with him because of what I think he should have done to carry his weight.

Bargaining--What you're going to want to do to get him back when you realize being vicious was only lashing out at him while ignoring your own part in all of this.

Depression--What you're going to feel as he continues on with his life while you feel like a huge part of yours has ended.

Acceptance--ready for you when you're ready for it.


The call on Wednesday is a bad idea. What you're planning on saying to him is a bad idea. It will not make you feel better, because it's not being said out of processing after the fact; it's being said to to stir up emotions, and it will be hurtful for you both. And if you are honest with yourself, even saying all of those things is just you trying to get him back, trying to get him somehow to give you the closure you need.

He can't give you closure, especially if you're the one keeping it open.

I know what I wrote had a vicious tone to it, but I wasn't planning on talking about those things with him in a vicious way. We have been nothing but tender to each other since the minute the break up started. I said I wanted to bring those things up on Wednesday because Wednesday is when we both agreed we could talk to each other again. I really do feel like what I wrote about him not holding up his end and really just wanting to be single is something I came to out of some processing and it feels like a bit of a realization. Up until I felt that, my chest hurt constantly, and I was crying every hour. Once I realized what I wrote, started to feel that, I feel a little bit better. Maybe it's because it's a defense mechanism, but I think it's also because part of me needing closure if for him to admit some of these things. I can honestly say that a good deal of our relationship issues were communication based, and him basically not wanting to have to 'relate' with someone so much: because he didn't want to be IN a relationship. It's important for me to recognize that, yeah, I had my problems too, but I'm not the one going through an identity crisis, I'm not the one who doesn't know what I want. He doesn't know what he wants either, all he knows is what he DOESN'T want, and that's a relationship. That's OKAY - but it's damaging to me if he says that without acknowledging that, if he wanted one in the first place, if he didn't want to be single so badly, then he would have tried harder to make our problems less of an issue.