My boyfriend and I broke up.

[StlKj]

Then say it as a definitive. "I realize that you..."

Don't ask it as a question. If you ask it, you're saying you need him to admit it to get your closure. He might not say it. You can't pin how you're going to handle this on his reaction. You had the epiphany, and that is the most important thing. Say what you need to say about your thoughts, but don't for a moment have any expectation or need for him to say anything at all. If you NEED him to admit it, then you're setting yourself up for some major disappointment.

If Wednesday is about trying to get anything from him, then Wednesday shouldn't happen.

 

[saymyname]

Then say it as a definitive. "I realize that you..."

Don't ask it as a question. If you ask it, you're saying you need him to admit it to get your closure. He might not say it. You can't pin how you're going to handle this on his reaction. You had the epiphany, and that is the most important thing. Say what you need to say about your thoughts, but don't for a moment have any expectation or need for him to say anything at all. If you NEED him to admit it, then you're setting yourself up for some major disappointment.

If Wednesday is about trying to get anything from him, then Wednesday shouldn't happen.

I see what you mean now. So everything I wrote about my realization, you think I should just say that to him in a definitive way? I'll have to go back and read that as an assertion, then. If you could expand on how you mean that, that'd be great - my mind is totally scatterbrained right now, this is all happening during fucking finals.

I guess I wanted to ask it as a question simply because if I'm right, and he confirms that, I'll feel better about how drastic this decision seems, and I'll also feel less like I should have tried harder, or I should have fought more for him to reconsider during the break up, instead of how I basically told him I was thinking the same thing. Initially, I reacted the way I did because it was honest. It's the question after - is this the right thing? did I do enough? can I really let this go, the guy I love? - those are what's fucking killing me. My realization feels like an antidote to those questions...

Wednesday isn't about necessarily getting something from each other. It's that it was extremely difficult to not talk afterwards, especially for me since I'm more emotional. So that was the deal we made. It might also be the clothes-exchanging day. The last time we talked was yesterday on the phone for 45 minutes, but before that it was an online conversation and he said at the end of it that he just needs some time for himself, to sort it out, and I think that's what the silence period is about too. I think by then we'll both be able to sit down and talk to each other and say, look, here's how I feel.

I'm getting a little bit more comfortable with the idea of being just friends with him in the future. I feel like he is someone I will always have a place for in my heart. But if this is really it, I do think I need some time because if I see pictures of him with another guy or something, that's going to hurt. We fought like any other couple, but for a while in the beginning, and then glimpses of it months after, we had a really big love.

I guess it was naive of me to think that people never break up when they're still in love.

 

[StlKj]

Say, you have to do what you have to do. I can tell you this--every time my friends had break-ups in the past, I would suggest to them what they should not do, and they did it anyway. Guess what? It made it worse for them, they got no closure, and they were in pain.

When I finally went through the same thing, they turned around and told me exactly what I had told them for years. I did not listen, and it made it worse for me, I got no closure, and I was in pain.

We do what we must, even if we know we shouldn't. Get your stuff back, and do what you have to, but do it with your eyes open. Know what your real motives are. There's only one person in this equation you can't trust right now, and that's yourself. You have to be honest with what you hope to accomplish in EVERY communication with him now, and if you feel any weakness or reason to hesitate, trust that instinct, and stay away from him. Distance, time and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself are the only things that will really help right now.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this pain right now. Just hold on.

 

[maxpowr9]

I have never seen the 'lovers become friends' thing actually work. Jealousy will erupt on one end and someone will get hurt even more. If there is one thing I have learned from breakups it is don't wallow in it. Pick up the pieces and move on quickly. Sure it isn't easy to move on quickly. Life isn't easy but thinking about hypotheticals and dwelling on the past is not a way to exist. If you are in school focus on that and surround yourself with good friends who care about you and will build up your self-esteem.

As for the whole talk thing. Don't! I have learned from experience that nothing good ever comes out of it. In fact, it does far more damage and will put you into a deeper depression. We may not get what we want out of people even if it is an answer to a simple question. I still have burning questions that I would love to ask people that I no longer speak to but I don't ever contact them because we both should have moved on. By the way you speak, I can tell he is already to move on and it is time you did also.

 

[saymyname]

Say, you have to do what you have to do. I can tell you this--every time my friends had break-ups in the past, I would suggest to them what they should not do, and they did it anyway. Guess what? It made it worse for them, they got no closure, and they were in pain.

When I finally went through the same thing, they turned around and told me exactly what I had told them for years. I did not listen, and it made it worse for me, I got no closure, and I was in pain.

We do what we must, even if we know we shouldn't. Get your stuff back, and do what you have to, but do it with your eyes open. Know what your real motives are. There's only one person in this equation you can't trust right now, and that's yourself. You have to be honest with what you hope to accomplish in EVERY communication with him now, and if you feel any weakness or reason to hesitate, trust that instinct, and stay away from him. Distance, time and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself are the only things that will really help right now.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this pain right now. Just hold on.

Thanks. Your posts speak a lot to me.

Max - thanks, but I disagree. I've known lovers that become friends and I think the situation we're in, never speaking to each other again would cause more pain than being friends. There's a tenderness to us that I don't think will go away. I mean, maybe we won't be friends for a couple of months, of course - but we've both stated that we want to stay on good terms. Actually, that's the thing I've hated most about break ups in the past, like my first bf who lived in another city - never saw him again. That's the worst.

 

[StlKj]

It is possible for a couple to remain friends after a break-up, but that likely occurs the most in relationships where the dissolution truly was mutual because the romantic feelings had long since dried up, or after a long enough period apart that both parties have moved on from the relationship emotionally.

I don't believe one can be friends with someone if he is still in love with that person, and especially if he still wants the relationship to work out. That's where you have to be completely honest with yourself. It doesn't matter how truthful and open you are with him; if you are lying to yourself about what you want out of it, your heart will only continue to break.

 

[LoveIsNow]

That sucks. I can't say as I'm surprised, though. I've pretty much followed your threads since the beginning. They always struck a chord with me, because the issues that you were having with your boyfriend were the same ones I was having with my boyfriend at the time. He absolutely refused to compromise on anything (especially in the bed department), he always expected me to be there for him whenever he was sad or anything, but whenever I had a problem, he just told me to grow up, he was always testing my limits: constantly bombarding me with stories about guys he had slept with, trying to get into porn. Basically, he was just constantly acting out and being immature and a bad boyfriend. I was pretty much on his leash for a year, because I kept focusing on our wonderful honeymoon period in the first few months (when we cuddled, laughed at all the people passing by, went for long drives to nowhere holding hands, when he was willing to take the role of giving pleasure in bed rather than just taking it), and the rarer and rarer once-in-a-while when that came back for a few hours, days, or weeks.

We used to break up with each other for a few days every so often and things would always be better when we got back together, so I didn't realize it was for real when we broke up finally. It took me about two and a half months to get to the point where I was really over it. I went through a whole bunch of weird phases in how I thought about him, but in the end I realized that, even though I'm 20 and he's going to be 23 soon, he isn't really emotionally mature enough for a relationship. He had a lot of fucked up things happen to him to make him act like such a child, which is another reason why I was tolerant of his bullshit, but now I realize that he needs to go out into the world and fix himself, and I don't need to waste my time trying to help, and I need to find someone who is an adult enough to worry about making me happy, rather than just himself and his penis.

Anyway, it'll probably be a weird period in your life, but it will make you stronger by degrees once you get out of it.

 

[saymyname]

Thanks man. You've always been really supportive. How long were you two together for before the final break up? It does sound similar, which is why I've reached the conclusion, at least for now, that we could have solved these issues if he would have ever pulled his weight in the relationship, he just didn't want to. He just wanted to be single which was the real problem, and where everything else stemmed from. He said I called too much, texted too much, was too insecure in the relationship. I told him all along, that's because you never reassure me, you never give me any reason not to feel insecure about us - and look what happened - he spent 2 weeks thinking about breaking up with me, and probably, like me, thought about it once in a while for the past few months. Whereas I'd try to address our issues, he'd avoid them. I'm still not really convinced he did his part to ever try to make things work. I just wish he'd own up to that at some point, maybe he will. He would go out with his friends and practically pretend I don't exist. He'd turn his phone off. He'd ignore me. He'd talk to me for 5 or 10 minutes some days and act like it was this huge chore. He rarely, lately, acted happy to hear from me if I called. He refused to let me go out with him at clubs or anything like that. He's been pushing me away for a while, and whenever I'd try to address it, he'd either say not now, or wouldn't compromise on the issues (ie, I would say to him, I'll be less needy if you be more affectionate and emotionally available). So that's that leads me to think that he just subconscously wanted to be single so badly that he didn't try to fix anything... but I'm realizing now that, being around him was like a chemical high, and anytime I'd get a little bit of niceness, a nice text message or we'd go a day without fighting, I thought it was such a good thing. And now I'm backing up and realizing... uh, that should be the norm. I shouldn't be grateful to be in a relationship where ONCE IN A WHILE, this guy actually treats me with the kindness that he used to when he first got me. So I think it was a little emotionally addictive and emotionally starving and neglectful, and I need to detox from that.

 

[TX-Beau]

...which is why I've reached the conclusion, at least for now, that we could have solved these issues if he would have ever pulled his weight in the relationship, he just didn't want to.

OK, having read through the rest of this thread, some perspective, and I'm going to be blunt. Not meant to make you feel worse, but you need some perspective here, you're playing mental games that are not going to do anything but prolong this.

If the bank gave me a billion dollars I’d be a billionaire. But that doesn’t help me pay my bills now does it. He didn’t do what you think he should have done. It takes two people to have a relationship. If only “if only,” had any relevance to reality we’d all have perfect lives. Don’t do this to yourself. What happened, happened, it happened because he didn’t want what you did, and that pretty much says it all right there.

He just wanted to be single which was the real problem, and where everything else stemmed from. He said I called too much, texted too much, was too insecure in the relationship. I told him all along, that's because you never reassure me, you never give me any reason not to feel insecure about us - and look what happened - he spent 2 weeks thinking about breaking up with me, and probably, like me, thought about it once in a while for the past few months.

SO – and you’re not going to like this – he told you he needed space, and you told him your behavior was his fault. Why? If he wanted space, even if he wanted to break up, you put it all on him, if only he’d change, your problems would go away.

Whereas I'd try to address our issues, he'd avoid them. I'm still not really convinced he did his part to ever try to make things work.

See but you seem to be saying that your “issues,” were that he wanted you to back off, and in order to address that you kept up the pressure. That’s not addressing your issue at all, that’s kinda ignoring it. It looks like you had an agenda and wanted to pursue that to the exclusion of what he was telling you.

I just wish he'd own up to that at some point, maybe he will. He would go out with his friends and practically pretend I don't exist. He'd turn his phone off. He'd ignore me. He'd talk to me for 5 or 10 minutes some days and act like it was this huge chore. He rarely, lately, acted happy to hear from me if I called. He refused to let me go out with him at clubs or anything like that. He's been pushing me away for a while, and whenever I'd try to address it, he'd either say not now, or wouldn't compromise on the issues (ie, I would say to him, I'll be less needy if you be more affectionate and emotionally available).

So what makes you think that this was ever going to work? What is it exactly you want from him? Validation that it was his entire fault? You’ve basically said that if only he was someone else, you’d have a chance – well, he’s not that guy you wanted him to be, and you can’t change him. He did what he did, and that’s who he is.

You’re trying to find fault, the same kind of fault you were trying to find when he told you to back off. That was his fault too, you wanted him to do things your way – that’s not compromise. At some point you’ve got to start taking your share of this. It wasn’t his entire fault; you didn’t listen to him either.

So that's that leads me to think that he just subconscously wanted to be single so badly that he didn't try to fix anything... but I'm realizing now that, being around him was like a chemical high, and anytime I'd get a little bit of niceness, a nice text message or we'd go a day without fighting, I thought it was such a good thing. And now I'm backing up and realizing... uh, that should be the norm. I shouldn't be grateful to be in a relationship where ONCE IN A WHILE, this guy actually treats me with the kindness that he used to when he first got me. So I think it was a little emotionally addictive and emotionally starving and neglectful, and I need to detox from that.

Maybe – and this is hard – he just figured out that you weren’t the guy he wanted to be in a relationship with, maybe there were several factors. This guy is 18 for fuck’s sake; it’s possible he doesn’t know what he wants or how to deal with what he finds. Nor do I find it so unusual that an 18 year old kid doesn't want to settle down. Just from what you've said, I suspect that you were always taking this more seriously than he was. That's a pretty big problem to overlook. Toss in you telling him that your insecurities were his fault, and you pretty much added a whole layer of blame and stress onto something, and someone, neither of which was ready to deal with it.

You don’t have him anymore and you need to stop trying to fix or change him in your head – it’s pointless. One's personal behavior and insecurities are never someone else's fault. If you were that unhappy, you had the option to leave as well, if he made you feel that bad about yourself, why didn't you - I would have.

Admit you made mistakes as well – you didn’t listen to what he was telling you. Then figure out what you want out of a relationship, and find a guy who wants what you do. Because this guy doesn’t, and he’s not that guy, and he probably never was.

 

[TX-Beau]

You know, relationships require compromise. But before you ever get to the compromise, you both have to be starting from a place that’s close enough that you can bridge any differences with compromise. Love isn’t enough. You have to have that basic compatibility before you ever get to the compromise. This is why it’s important to get to know someone pretty well before you start talking commitment.

If he wants to be unencumbered party boy, and you wanted his attention focused on yourself 24/7, you don’t have a basic compatibility, you have a basic incompatibility; one that time may solve, once he’s done with playing around, but he’s not there yet.

He may never be, I don’t like having someone require my attention 24/7, and I’m a lot older than he is. Nor would I stay with someone who told me that he’s insecure because I don’t do enough.

I think you need to work on independence. The silver lining could be that you find your own footing regardless of whether you have a guy or not. Your security should not be based on how much attention you get from someone else.

 

[saymyname]

OK, having read through the rest of this thread, some perspective, and I'm going to be blunt. Not meant to make you feel worse, but you need some perspective here, you're playing mental games that are not going to do anything but prolong this.

If the bank gave me a billion dollars I’d be a billionaire. But that doesn’t help me pay my bills now does it. He didn’t do what you think he should have done. It takes two people to have a relationship. If only “if only,” had any relevance to reality we’d all have perfect lives. Don’t do this to yourself. What happened, happened, it happened because he didn’t want what you did, and that pretty much says it all right there.

I'm not playing mental games. This is a realization I've come to. All I'm saying is that he didn't want to be in a relationship and he should own up to that instead of blaming the problems that resulted from his BASIC not wanting of a relationship for the demise of it.

SO – and you’re not going to like this – he told you he needed space, and you told him your behavior was his fault. Why? If he wanted space, even if he wanted to break up, you put it all on him, if only he’d change, your problems would go away.

Dude, he never, ever, directly told me he needed space. It's just that over time, his participation deteriorated, and I didn't leave because we still loved each other and there would still be good times here and there, and we were still seeing each other all the time. He simply started acting as if he were single and strung me along for the ride. How is that at all fair to me, considering how, for a while we both lived up to each others expectations?

See but you seem to be saying that your “issues,” were that he wanted you to back off, and in order to address that you kept up the pressure. That’s not addressing your issue at all, that’s kinda ignoring it. It looks like you had an agenda and wanted to pursue that to the exclusion of what he was telling you.

Um, my agenda was for my boyfriend to start acting right instead of gradually becoming more and more emotionally unavailable. We were in a non-monogamous relationship. He did porn, and then got a sugar daddy, and hung out with his friends all the time. All of this helped push me out, too. Was I supposed to just be like, yeah, okay babe, you go and do these things, I'll see you once a week, sorry if we have to communicate 5 minutes a day and it's this huge burden for you when you used to be the one calling me, but yeah, go ahead and do all these things that are making it so that you don't have time for me, while you're STILL in a relationship. I DID try to be less needy and give him his space with his friends. I DID tell him I can't handle the porn and the sugar daddy thing for very long. I told him all that and he didn't budge. Was I supposed to just up and leave because, without him ever really saying it, without ever admitting there was anything going on in his head, he started acting out and basically pretending he wasn't in a relationship with some ground rules and expectations?

So what makes you think that this was ever going to work? What is it exactly you want from him? Validation that it was his entire fault? You’ve basically said that if only he was someone else, you’d have a chance – well, he’s not that guy you wanted him to be, and you can’t change him. He did what he did, and that’s who he is.

I thought it was ever going to work because he wasn't ALWAYS LIKE THAT! Exactly want I want from him is, yes, for him to just admit that our problems stemmed from his behavior, recent behavior, and that it's not like how he's using our fighting and everything as some kind of pretense to end the relationship. We would have never started having those issues if he would have stayed invested in the relationship. Instead, everytime I'd try to ask if there was some root issue, he'd say no. And then he'd treat me like shit without any explanation. I guess what I'm saying is if he wanted more freedom and if he wasn't feeling it, he shouldn't have strung me along and acted like everything was okay while slowly pushing me away and not acknowledging it. I think he could also address WHY he was pushing me away, in other words, WHY he wants to be single: because he's 18, because he's not sure who he is, and he wants to experiment. That's fine, but don't act like it was a problem between us - take any other guy and substitute him with me, and tell him this is a relationship, and he'd feel the same way. What kind of fucking relationship is that? Maybe he could have told me he needed us to be less serious, despite how deep in love we were. But he didn't. He acted as if everything was fine under the condition that I leave him alone when he's with his friends or doing business, which was like, 80 percent of the fucking time. I never wanted that kind of relationship in the first place so it wasn't fair to expect me to put up with that shit - unsaid and unagreed to - 10 months into something. Get real.

You’re trying to find fault, the same kind of fault you were trying to find when he told you to back off. That was his fault too, you wanted him to do things your way – that’s not compromise. At some point you’ve got to start taking your share of this. It wasn’t his entire fault; you didn’t listen to him either.

Again, he never told me to back off. He told me not to expect him to be available when he's with his friends. He wouldn't let me meet his friends, go out with him and his friends, introduce me to his friends, or talk to him very much if he was with his friends. And this was seriously ALL THE TIME. And I'd ask why are you being distant - it's hard to communicate when you never have time - and he'd say it wasn't anything. And that I was paranoid and insecure. But then, oh, we break up because he wants to be single. What do you fucking know - my insecurities and gut feeling wasn't me being too cautious, it was a normal reaction to his neglectful and manipulative behavior.

Maybe – and this is hard – he just figured out that you weren’t the guy he wanted to be in a relationship with, maybe there were several factors. This guy is 18 for fuck’s sake; it’s possible he doesn’t know what he wants or how to deal with what he finds. Nor do I find it so unusual that an 18 year old kid doesn't want to settle down. Just from what you've said, I suspect that you were always taking this more seriously than he was. That's a pretty big problem to overlook. Toss in you telling him that your insecurities were his fault, and you pretty much added a whole layer of blame and stress onto something, and someone, neither of which was ready to deal with it.

It's pretty obvious that he doesn't know what he wants - he told me that himself. He still loves me, told me he's still IN love with me, and was afraid to hurt me and I was afraid to hurt him which is why things ended the way they did. But it's not that I'm not the guy he wants to be with - it's that he doesn't want to be with anyone right now - and that's okay, but don't ACT LIKE the problems stemming from that don't have their start with the person that's pushing the other person out simply because he wants to be single. And just FYI, we were both taking it pretty seriously for a time - it was around the one year mark (2 weeks ago) that it all started to take a toll on him emotionally. But I'm not going to back down and act like I wasn't feeling the way I was feeling for no reason. I could tell something was up, and I asked, and he'd never try to work on it or make suggestions. I'm not an insecure person, but him gradually withdrawing his investment in the relationship left me feeling confused and unassured. He needs to acknowledge that that's what he did, and that's why we went down the road he did - because he wants to be single, not because we had these huge issues.

You don’t have him anymore and you need to stop trying to fix or change him in your head – it’s pointless. One's personal behavior and insecurities are never someone else's fault. If you were that unhappy, you had the option to leave as well, if he made you feel that bad about yourself, why didn't you - I would have.

Admit you made mistakes as well – you didn’t listen to what he was telling you. Then figure out what you want out of a relationship, and find a guy who wants what you do. Because this guy doesn’t, and he’s not that guy, and he probably never was.

One's personal behavior and insecurities are never someone else's fault? Are you serious? When your boyfriend, for apparently no reason, stops being as affectionate as he used to be - but still tells you he loves you, and you treat him the same as you ever did - how the fuck are you supposed to react? You think you would react like that - confused, hurt, insecure - for no reason? My reactions were always in response to his actions. I didn't listen to what he was telling me because he HARDLY TOLD ME ANYTHING... and he was that guy for a time, it's that this gradual changed happened over time, and when that happens, I don't think two people know how to deal with it as it's happening. I know I had the option to leave and I was considering it too, but I couldn't figure out what the fuck was wrong, why he was acting differently, why we were fighting and communicating less. Oh. Because he just wants to be single. There's not really a lot anyone can do about that, but I can at least honor myself by not going along with his bullshit that things just weren't working out.

 

[saymyname]

You know, relationships require compromise. But before you ever get to the compromise, you both have to be starting from a place that’s close enough that you can bridge any differences with compromise. Love isn’t enough. You have to have that basic compatibility before you ever get to the compromise. This is why it’s important to get to know someone pretty well before you start talking commitment.

If he wants to be unencumbered party boy, and you wanted his attention focused on yourself 24/7, you don’t have a basic compatibility, you have a basic incompatibility; one that time may solve, once he’s done with playing around, but he’s not there yet.

He may never be, I don’t like having someone require my attention 24/7, and I’m a lot older than he is. Nor would I stay with someone who told me that he’s insecure because I don’t do enough.

I think you need to work on independence. The silver lining could be that you find your own footing regardless of whether you have a guy or not. Your security should not be based on how much attention you get from someone else.

I was totally independent before I met him, and we became a "couple." He's the one who had to convince me to settle down and try a relationship in the first place, ironically. We still had our separate night lives and separate groups of friends. But he's the one who wanted to be, like you said, the unencumbered party boy. I'm going to let him get that out of his system, and go from there.

 

[TX-Beau]

Look, I'm not buying that you were the independent guy who had to be convinced to get into a relationship. For several reasons all relating to what you've said and how you've reacted. I was going to pull out all the contradictory things you've said just in here, but I suspect that would be pointless.

So I'm just going to tell you how you're coming across. I'm not looking for a response to this. ignore it if you want.

1. You didn't read him accurately.

2. You didn't listen to him either.

3. You pushed when you should have backed off.

4. He left and you still want him back.

5. You want to be angry.

6. You want it to be his fault.

7. You want him apologize.

As long as you're looking to find fault with how he behaved you're never going to get over this. Frankly it's moot at this point. Even if he did apologize for whatever it is you think he should do you think that he'd come back?

You'll get stuck in this blame loop you're in - and I doubt he'll ever give you what you want. OK, but where does that leave you. The same place you were before - still expecting him to do what you want him to.

Of course insecurity is about one's self. If a guy did to me what you said he did to you, I'd walk. Because I know there's some other guy out there.

So if he was being that horrid to you, WHY did you stay. That's a choice you made. Yourself. No one forced you into it. You chose to live with it. You chose to put up with it until he walked. You could have stopped it at any time by the simple expedient of walking away yourself.

So long as you make it all about him, wait for him to apologize, you're going to be frozen right where you are. You'll never get over it, and really, you're still looking to him to fix it.

So, walk away. Don't talk to him, don't text him , don't log on to his websites, go find some distraction.

 

[TX-Beau]

BTW, I'm not going into what he did and needs to work on because we don't have his side of this.

 

[saymyname]

Did you even read the other threads I mentioned in the first post? I don't really feel like arguing with you about my relationship and my history. You weren't there. While I appreciate that you're trying to help, I think you're over stepping what's your place to say and what isn't. I was the independent guy at first and that's a historical fact - when we first met, I told him I didn't do relationships, at least not monogamous ones. That's evidenced a little bit by the thread I made a long time ago, which is still here, about when we transitioned from monogamy to openness.

You're right, maybe I should have walked away first. He didn't walk away from me - I asked him a question because I knew something was up, and his reaction was the answer. Neither of us walked away. At first, right after the initial shock of the break up, you're right, I was hurt, and was wondering what could have been done differently. But now I'm starting to get some clarity. And as far as walking goes, um, I didn't walk because I still loved him, and there was still some good left.

 

[G-Lexington]

As TX alluded to, there's this element within these posts that everything would be great if he only was like this, and if he did that, and if he only realized this that and the other. What I usually say in situations like this is "You're not in love with him. You're in love with an alternate version of him. One who loves you back unconditionally, and wants nothing more than to be with you, and is willing to put in all the effort to make this relationship work. But that person doesn't exist, does he?"

Lex

 

[saymyname]

As TX alluded to, there's this element within these posts that everything would be great if he only was like this, and if he did that, and if he only realized this that and the other. What I usually say in situations like this is "You're not in love with him. You're in love with an alternate version of him. One who loves you back unconditionally, and wants nothing more than to be with you, and is willing to put in all the effort to make this relationship work. But that person doesn't exist, does he?"

Lex

I think you may have a point. I'm definitely saying that things would have worked out if he WANTED them to work out. But all along he denied that there were any major issues, and that's not fucking cool. I was by NO means asking him to put in all the effort to making it work - just his half, which I honestly don't feel like he did, and after a few days, realized the problems stemmed from that, it wasn't the problems itself that made the relationship bad. And as far as being in love with an alternate version of him, yeah, I think all along I was in love with the person I knew for the first 4 or 5 months, and that person slowly faded away - without acknowledging it or discussing anything to do with it - throughout the rest of the relationship. Sorry if I feel a little burned that I was strung along for a ride that wasn't being mutually worked on.

 

[theFallenGod]

I have to add my 2 cents and I know that you will ignore me as you often do but I have to add it anyway because I agree with TX to an extent and I saw this coming a mile away... ever since you first started posting about your relationship issues I knew that you were doomed. And trust me I have been watching this drama unfold... I hate to admit it but essentially because I have be waiting for this to happen.

Why?

Because it has always...ALWAYS been about what you want and how HE should compromise for you ... never the other way around. And even now that it is over you are still placing blame on him about how he never did this or that when it was always you who demanded he change for you at every relationship issue.

Until you come to terms with that simple fact... that BOTH parties need to make small compromises to make a relationship work you will always be doomed to failure.

 

[LoveIsNow]

Thanks man. You've always been really supportive. How long were you two together for before the final break up?

We made it eleven and a half months ending in January. Thank god I procrastinated on an anniversary present.

It does sound similar, which is why I've reached the conclusion, at least for now, that we could have solved these issues if he would have ever pulled his weight in the relationship, he just didn't want to.

... etc. ...

. So that's that leads me to think that he just subconscously wanted to be single so badly that he didn't try to fix anything...

If everyone wanted to fix the problems in their relationships, no one would ever break up. The most adult thing to do is to break it off when you stop caring enough to want to fix them. When someone's young and immature and doesn't know what they're doing or what they want or who they are, it's easy to be indecisive; you don't want to give up what you have unless you're sure you really don't want it. It just sucks for the person you're stringing along.

but I'm realizing now that, being around him was like a chemical high, and anytime I'd get a little bit of niceness, a nice text message or we'd go a day without fighting, I thought it was such a good thing. And now I'm backing up and realizing... uh, that should be the norm. I shouldn't be grateful to be in a relationship where ONCE IN A WHILE, this guy actually treats me with the kindness that he used to when he first got me. So I think it was a little emotionally addictive and emotionally starving and neglectful, and I need to detox from that.

That's the thing that really got me about my situation with my ex. I always had been in control of my relationships and my emotions and I didn't want to admit to myself that I was letting myself get walked all over by, used by, abused by this guy, so I convinced myself that I was lucky to get a day without fighting, when he calls me instead of me calling him, whatever, even though that's not right or how it should be. In retrospect I missed and willingly ignored a lot of red flags and signs.

I think that's what it really is. I agree with what TX said about reading him incorrectly. I've got to believe that you were ignoring signs from him. Was it wrong of him to string you along? Yes, but next time you should spot it before it gets that bad. You really should be trying to get to the point where you're worrying about you and not him. You can't make him do whatever you want him to, you couldn't have changed how he acted, only how you did, and that's what will affect your relationships in the future - learning how to deal with these behaviors and the warning signs and red flags to look for. What's going on with him should be of secondary concern, something to think about later, maybe to talk about him down the road once you've "detoxed" as you said.

 

[saymyname]

We made it eleven and a half months ending in January. Thank god I procrastinated on an anniversary present.



If everyone wanted to fix the problems in their relationships, no one would ever break up. The most adult thing to do is to break it off when you stop caring enough to want to fix them. When someone's young and immature and doesn't know what they're doing or what they want or who they are, it's easy to be indecisive; you don't want to give up what you have unless you're sure you really don't want it. It just sucks for the person you're stringing along.



That's the thing that really got me about my situation with my ex. I always had been in control of my relationships and my emotions and I didn't want to admit to myself that I was letting myself get walked all over by, used by, abused by this guy, so I convinced myself that I was lucky to get a day without fighting, when he calls me instead of me calling him, whatever, even though that's not right or how it should be. In retrospect I missed and willingly ignored a lot of red flags and signs.

I think that's what it really is. I agree with what TX said about reading him incorrectly. I've got to believe that you were ignoring signs from him. Was it wrong of him to string you along? Yes, but next time you should spot it before it gets that bad. You really should be trying to get to the point where you're worrying about you and not him. You can't make him do whatever you want him to, you couldn't have changed how he acted, only how you did, and that's what will affect your relationships in the future - learning how to deal with these behaviors and the warning signs and red flags to look for. What's going on with him should be of secondary concern, something to think about later, maybe to talk about him down the road once you've "detoxed" as you said.

Yeah, I hear you loud and clear. Especially about being used to being the one in power, and then suddenly being walked all over.

Other people/concerns - fallen - you say I never compromised for him, or that I expected him to always change for me. Dude. He, without saying it, wanted me to be okay with: him doing porn. him being an escort. him going out with his friends and straight up telling me I cannot come, no questions asked. me not being able to talk to him if he's with his friends. My entire point here is that, those things are okay, IF YOU'RE SINGLE! And he wasn't like that in the beginning, only gradually a couple of months into it, getting worse and worse.

Him and I ended up talking tonight on the phone for about 35 minutes. I got to say everything I wanted to and I feel okay. On one hand, I asked him, do you think it's appropriate, normal, and okay to ask your boyfriend to be okay with all of the things he was asking me to be okay with. And he said no, and that's why he realized he should be single. I told him how I think that him wanting to be single was the cause of our problems, and not the other way around. He told me I was saying that to make myself feel better and act like I didn't do anything wrong. I asked him then why would you be acting like this for months, asking all of these ridiculous amounts of freedoms that no guy would ever go for, and yet you only say you wanted to be single in the past 2 weeks. He said that our problems and the things he wants to do that he can't do in a relationship are what made him decide being single is the best option. I asked him if he even tried to work on any of our problems - which basically consist of communication issues - and he didn't have a clear answer yet. Sorry if I find it hard to believe that he just suddenly wants to be single when he's been treating me with total disregard and doing things that people in relationships don't normally ask of their partners for months.

I'm not trying to say that EVERYTHING was his fault, just that our issues mostly stemmed from him asking for more or less so much space and freedom that we wouldn't even be partners. But I'm normally not an insecure guy, I only started to feel that way when he started to withdraw his affections without giving ANY explanation. I think this is why I get what LoveIsNow is saying because that's what I'm getting act: I feel like I've been totally fooled and strung along. And maybe I should have followed my gut back in December and told him to get lost, instead of sticking around for a couple of months to watch him get more and more emotionally distant before I had to ask a pretty obvious question and him trying to hide the answer - things we both did, I think, because that's how confusing and powerful love is.