My boyfriend Cried :/

[MascutarHero]

Before I get into the detail of my situation, I'd like to give you guys a background of our relationship. I'll try my best to explain this because I'm also somewhat ranting and seeking for advice.

Well my boyfriend and I has been together for 3 years (3 years this month on the 16th) We're both young I'm 20 going 21 soon and he turned 20 this past month. I am his first boyfriend, also 1st and last guy he has sex with. Our relationship is so "lovey dovey" We can't stop kissing each other, holding each other, telling each other "I love you" unlimited times a day, I love him so much I'd do anything for him (well almost anything) and I know he would do the same for me.

Now here's the problem, He's out and I'm not out. His friends and family know of our relationship (some of his friends are mine too) but I'm not out to my family and a good majority of my own friends. So think about it, we've been together for 3 years, he's out and I'm not, you know that will eventually be a problem.

Well here is what happened 2 nights ago. When he came to stay the night and we went to sleep, he slept in the living room and I was going to sleep on the other side of the living with a coffee table in between us. He asked me to come lay with him, like cuddle and stuff (which we do every time he comes stay before I go back to my side to sleep btw I don't have a bedroom) and I told him" in a bit" then my sister comes home and this is like 2 am, and she's getting ready to go to bed, well she does go to bed and I find my boyfriend crying, I asked what was wrong? what did I do? he tells me that he doesn't like hiding our relationship from my family because he wants to be held without jumping apart as soon as we hear a door open. He says we shouldn't be guilty of anything just because we love each other. This came random to me, because I have gotten so used to that I forgot how much it actually hurts my boyfriend that I'm not open about our relationship. I got so depressed so quick but didn't want to show it, I told him it is important that we discuss this situation from time to time. He says he's never planning to leave me, that he is willing to wait till I'm ready, and he is also aware that I'm not ashamed of him but ashamed of myself. I thanked him for that because how much other gay men are wiling to wait!? Not many from what I've read around here. Every time I lay with him before I go to my side, he always says "I wish we can cuddle all night and wake up next to you"

I know my mom and sisters have an idea we're dating but I can't seem to tell or show it I get so depressed to where I want to end my own life because I don't understand why does loving the same sex have to be so wrong? I don't have the "I don't care what people think attitude" I wish I did though.

Any advice? tips? stories to share? I'd like to read what anyone has to say about this.

 

[latinheat]

just don't rush ur coming out, do it when it feels right not when ur relationship forces u to come out

 

[BostonPirate]

I would say that this is a hard journey..coming out. We all handle it differently.

Coming out is a challenge, but it is freeing. You have shame for something that you don't need to.

Loving the same sex is NOT wrong, it is who you are. Just take a breath, figure out, envision if you can, what the man that you want to become one day would do, and follow that path.

Your man needs you to reconsider your choices, but YOU have to be one hundred percent responsible for the decision to come out, or it will be disastrous for the relationship. He needs to understand that.

so give it all a second look, and be open to change. Own your choice, whatever you decide, and explain it to him in a way that lets him know you love him unconditionally.

good luck.

 

[MascutarHero]

Problem is, I don't know when the right time is. I did mention breaking up as much as I don't want to, but for him to have that relationship that the world knows, but he doesn't want that. I'm so happy to have him if he's willing to wait but I'm getting impatient myself,

 

[latinheat]

"( i know the feeling...im not out to my family and im with a great guy but i guess im lucky that he has his own place, i have to lie and say im going with friends and that bugs me....

 

[BostonPirate]

Problem is, I don't know when the right time is. I did mention breaking up as much as I don't want to, but for him to have that relationship that the world knows, but he doesn't want that. I'm so happy to have him if he's willing to wait but I'm getting impatient myself,

if you area getting impatient then you need to take some time to figure out what you want to say, and who you want to say it to.

Your BF wants the world to know you are his man, probably because he thinks you are awesome and he's proud to be in love with you. I think you seem like you are asking if its OK to come out.. and it is.

it is OK to do that. Life will not end, but it will change. people will know who you really are. It is raw in the beginning, but it passes.

what do you see yourself as in ten years? Still pretending to like girls for the false approval of others? will you outgrow that? I know it can be hard on families at times, but you seem to think that they already know about you.

Why?

 

[cliffdweller]

I don't know that I have much advice. When I met my now ex-boyfriend, he was not out. I made it clear when we met that the relationship would go nowhere if he wasn't out - now, granted, he was pretty close to coming out on his own anyway, and he did so very quickly (as in a couple of weeks into our relationship). If he hadn't, then the relationship simply would not have continued.

What you're doing isn't fair to your boyfriend. Yes, everyone comes out in their own time...I get that. But dragging other people into the closet with you is not cool, IMO.

I once knew a guy who owned a house with his partner. They had a roommate who was straight. The roommate didn't know they were a couple. My friend and his partner even set up separate bedrooms, and one would go sleep with the other after the roommate had gone to bed. They kept this up for a couple of years. I thought it was totally beyond the pale - I can't imagine going to those lengths IN YOUR OWN GODDAMN HOUSE. To me, my house is my sanctuary - the one place I can be myself, even if I can't anywhere else. I don't understand anyone who would do that.

 

[ladude2011]

So obviously some people know you are gay then since you said his family knows, your mutual friends know, etc. When you are around those people, do they treat you differently becuase youre gay? im guessing not. So it sounds like telling your family is the thing that is most weighing on you right now. Just think about it, some people already know youre gay, and its ok. your family may not, but ask yourself how you think they will react. you know them well, do you think they will accept it? you said your sister suspects. I think you should not break up with him because love is so hard to find and even harder to keep. I know for me, even though im close to accepting my own self, im not totally ready to be open with others, which is why i wont get a bf til i am. but in your case, i think having someone (your bf) who loves you more than anything and is in your corner no matter what will help you get through anything, including telling your family.

 

[Seasoned]

There's no rationale for love. People fall in love despite themselves sometimes. Your boyfriend fell in love with a closeted guy and, I imagine, early on dreamed of both of you being out and open.

The saddest part of your post in my opinion is your frustration with yourself and admitting that ending your life seems to be a reasonable alternative to coming out.

In my opinion you need to examine your fear of coming out. The fact that you have a partner ought to provide strength and comfort. Please attempt to get to the point where you truly believe that the power of your love for each other can meet and surpass any obstacle because it can and will.

The two of you sound like beautiful human beings with deserve to come out of hiding no matter your location. Everytime you hold and squeeze him silently ask that some of his strength be transferred to you.

Best wishes to you both. Don't let that wonderful man get away.

 

[Ninja108]

Here's the biggest thing..while your friends might not know..trust me when I say mothers and siblings always know or suspect.
I know it's hard but it's not fair to your boyfriend to keep it in the dark.
Good luck with everything and please remember, you have someone who loves you and has shown he is willing to stick by you.

 

[jmadaf]

His family knows, your family doesn't maybe, just your parents, I suggest comming out to your close sister or brother first then take it from there. If you love anybody it's not wrong, you need to believe this to come out.

 

[Rolyo85]

Um, nobody seems to have asked (sorry, didn't have time to read carefully after the OP) - but, uh, do you have any particular reason not to be out? Cause if you don't, no offense, but it's majorly uncool to your bf.

 

[rareboy]

What do you see yourself as in ten years? Still pretending to like girls for the false approval of others? will you outgrow that? I know it can be hard on families at times, but you seem to think that they already know about you.

Why?

From what I gather, if your mother and sister already have an idea that you are dating, then it probably is a perfect time to come out to them.

The larger issue for your mother is whether she approves of her children having sex or date sleepovers in her house. She may not and you have to respect that.

You need to ask yourself why, with everything else that you will have to deal with in your life, you would continue to inhabit the prison you have built for yourself.

By the way, can you just sleep over at his house where there is no need to hide and lie?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi MascutarHero,

It seems to me that you really have a great relationship with your boyfriend (=X). That's really very great.

You told us two important items:

(1): your family is very well aware of the existence of X, X is (often) visiting the house where your family is living, and they know that X is your friend. So I assume that your family has a positive opinion about X.

(2): I know my mom and sisters have an idea we're dating but I can't seem to tell. or show it.

I tend to advise you to tell the truth to your family, and tell them this news together with X. Ofcourse, you will need to discuss beforehand this with X, so X will be aware that both of you (or you) will open yourself.

There are alot of advantages to open yourself together with X. He is together with you (so he can support you), and he can also answer alot of questions how his family reacted.

So you might start like eg:

Mom, sister, we would like to tell you something. You know that X is a very good friend of me, and that we spend alot of time together. X is not just a very good friend, but X is my boyfriend, and we both feel that it is good that we tell this to you. [and maybe also something about X his family].
[and at that moment you start to stroke his hands, or something like that]

Maybe they will ask:

So this means that you are gay? And that X is also gay?

I tend to think that you should not wait too long to tell this to your family, as I tend to think that X feels himself not too confortable anymore with this situation? And the same is true for you? I tend to think you should try to pass this bridge as soon as possible.

What would be the real problem when they know that X is your boyfriend?

Take care, best wishes, and feel free to ask for more advise.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Here's my advice:

It's awesome that your boyfriend has been willing to wait and be patient with you and your coming out process.

But Coming Out is about you, and only you. No one else. Not your family, your friends, your boyfriend, your coworkers, your dog, anyone. You need to Come Out for yourself when you are ready.

I never knew when the time "would be." I just always knew when, for me, the time "wasn't" so I came out when I was ready.

I'm currently dating a guy. He's awesome. Definitely falling for him. It's great. He's not out to his family and he's explained why and his reasons are very much understood. I wish he would come out to them, but I'm in no position to make such demands.

He's told me that he's getting ready to tell them that I am more than a friend and he's so excited to tell them we're dating, and that's great! I'm very appreciate of the compliment, but I still told him: "Tell them what you want to tell them, when you're ready to tell them." If he wants me there when he tells them, great! I'll be supportive. If he doesn't want me there, that's fine too! I'll be supportive... because his Coming Out is his coming out... and yours is yours. Take ownership of it and handle it the way that YOU want to. Don't force yourself out, wait until you are ready.

You're young. 20 years old! You still have plenty of time to develop the "I don't care what other people think" mentality. It took me a while to get there, but I did, on my own terms.

As you're on this fun "coming out" process, keep coming back to this Forum. Everyone here is very helpful and supportive. Asking others to share their experiences will be the most helpful thing for you. Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, you won't come out until you do, a lot of guys think that having a guy will make them come out - but as you well know, it won't. In the end, we all come out for ourselves or we don't come out at all.

It's not your Mom or your sister or anyone else that's stopping you. Your fear is stopping you - it's making you hurt someone you love.

So what's stronger, your fear? Or your love for this guy?

Do you honestly think you love him if you continue to hurt him for no better reason than the closet.

Let him go, or come out. Be a man.

It's not fair to him.

 

[palemale]

If you think your mom and sisters have an idea you are dating, I would hazard a guess that they know a lot more than you think. They probably just don't bring it up because they want to give you your own time to tell them. Either that or they are willfully ignorant.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Even if you did tell your family, There's no guarantee that they would allow you two to sleep together in the same bed - and that has nothing to do with being gay or not... It's respecting the rules of the home.

As my parents told me, when I wanted to have intimate 'Sleep overs'... "You wanna do that? Fine... Get a job, your own apartment, and you can do whatever you want!".

You guys are very young, and have the rest of your lives together. Having to sleep apart in respect to the house hold really isn't that big of a deal. It's all part of the 'baggage' that comes with a relationship, and your current living situation(s).

 

[Rolyo85]

You are right, but I would still say that not being able to sleep together because parents are against it and because you have to hide your sexuality, are dramatically different things. The second one leading to much more tension.

 

[MascutarHero]

Thanks for the responses, a lot has made me view the situation a whole different way and boosted some confidence so glad I have a place to post my closeted situation.

I do want to state that my boyfriend was well aware of me being in the closet way before we dated. We only agreed on who to tell instead of just outing that we are dating. I don't think I'm as "strict" as I use to be about people knowing or finding out, but I don't understand why it's still such a huge secret from my friends and families. I think it's something awkward to discuss, I've learned about myself I am a private person and do believe it's no ones business, but that just sounds like another excuse to stay in the closet.
My plan is to sit my mom down and just tell her and try to get her to understand, like I said I know she has "the idea" but I know she needs me to confirm it. I'm honestly not too sure on when, but I defiantly want to do it. Maybe it'll be relieving like many results from other peoples coming out experiences. As for friends, I'm not sure how I'll do that.