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My boyfriend found out I was "searching" on a dating website....

T

TorontoBoi

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So I started going out with this guy for a month now - and the relationship moved ahead quite quickly - we clicked really well and knew that it had a potential for something long-term...

I got kinda freaked out in the first couple of weeks that I might actually enter into a long term relationship. Stupidly, I decided to have one last piece of fun and searched for guys on a dating website. Nothing ever came out of my search, but my boyfriend found out that I was pursuing someone....

We havent talked about it yet, but he basically cut off all communication with me. I know I did the wrong thing, but it's not like we've been dating for so long. only a few weeks...
Is there any way I can explain myself to him? Do you think he'll understand?? I'm totally not the cheater type, but he's not the fogiving type...

what do i do!? i still wanna date him :(
 
desks4567, you should tell him what you're telling us here.

It sounds like you panicked.

You had thoughts that were running thru your mind that you regret having now.

You were faced with a situation of getting into an LTR that made you think about what you really wanted, before you were ready. And you *thought* you wanted to be with others...now you realize that you are not looking for that...you're more ready for dating seriously than you had initially thought.

Of course, since the trust factor is already with it's first crack...

you have to consider that your guy will want to have quantifiable methods of YOU assuring him that this won't ever happen again.

If you're willing to allow him whatever he needs from you to feel that you're trustworthy again; then there's still a chance.
 
There's nothing worse than trying to talk to someone that does not want to talk to you. Give this some time to blow over and then try again. If you're still out of luck - LET IT GO and move on.

You obviously were not ready to commit and it's natural to feel the way you did after a few weeks. My boyfriend and I did not start dating with an eye towards long-term. We're taking things one day at a time with no expectations and it's going very well. We seem to come to the same conclusions about the relationship naturally based on how things go.

Think about it, if you felt compelled to look for others, this guy was not your everything but perhaps have you realized that now he is? If he still does not want to talk to you after a few more weeks, let him go and learn from your experience.
 
i don't think there's anything you should be worrying about, and i don't take it that you 'thought' you might've wanted to be with someone else..

try getting your boyfriend's attention and when he lets you talk, tell him everything: why you did playfully look at other guys and how you really feel towards him. tell him that you're not ready for the relationship to be advancing any faster but make sure you tell him that you do want to spend all your time for the moment with him.

good luck! :]
 
interesting that you call him your boyfriend when you are not ready to commit and when you are searching for other "boyfriends."
 
It's in his court sweetie. If he is shutting you out, he's probably not that ready to commit either. You trying to explain yourself only sets up a pattern that will continue into the future. If the two of you are so red hot passionate about each other that every minute apart now is just pain for each of you, this will all work itself out. Otherwise, all he is, is an ex-boyfriend.
 
desks4567 said:
So I started going out with this guy for a month now - and the relationship moved ahead quite quickly - we clicked really well and knew that it had a potential for something long-term...

I got kinda freaked out in the first couple of weeks that I might actually enter into a long term relationship. Stupidly, I decided to have one last piece of fun and searched for guys on a dating website.
Click to expand...

You know, there are a lot of guys who come on this board begging and wishing for a long-term relationship. You were on your way to having one but wanted... what? What do you mean by "one last piece of fun?" One last hook-up?

Consider this a lesson not to play games with people.
 
Meh. You're not married. And you were just looking. Big deal.

Tell him to get over himself.
 
I would be more concerned by the fact that he's shut you off completely over this. That's not a good sign. I agree with RicanDAB -- give him one more chance and then move on.
 
rareboy said:
If he is shutting you out, he's probably not that ready to commit either.
Click to expand...
Or he's extremely hurt that someone he cared for was off searching for a good time behind his back.

Give it a few days.
 
I'm sorry but it's been a month. The guy has the problem not you. Why do a lot of gay men think that you are married and commited after a few dates?! You did nothing wrong and it's really none of his buisness. He sounds insecure and needy. Than to just cut you off shows he has communication problems. Forget the loser.
 
bluedragon4 said:
I'm sorry but it's been a month. The guy has the problem not you. Why do a lot of gay men think that you are married and commited after a few dates?! You did nothing wrong and it's really none of his buisness. He sounds insecure and needy. Than to just cut you off shows he has communication problems. Forget the loser.
Click to expand...

He pratically planned out our future together. So yea, it kinda freaked me out even though i liked him.


Thanks for all your replies. This is just another small story in our complicated relationship lives!!!!
 
Just_Believe18 said:
You know, there are a lot of guys who come on this board begging and wishing for a long-term relationship. You were on your way to having one but wanted... what? What do you mean by "one last piece of fun?" One last hook-up?

Consider this a lesson not to play games with people.
Click to expand...

The amount of "hooks ups" or relationships that i've had with other men is SO minimal, that I felt I had to do it. Yes I admit it was wrong. but it's not like i had such a long history with men where i can just settle down easily now.
 
bluedragon's right--be careful with this one. If you're already having this kind of drama with this guy, it's not a good sign. Maybe the relationship can still be salvaged, but if I were you I wouldn't put too much effort into it. I'd also keep my eyes open for other kinds of needy and passive-aggressive behavior.

Moreover, if you have concerns about not having sewn your wild oats yet, you're not ready to be in a relationship. It's ok to want a boyfriend, recognize you're not quite ready for it, have fun for a while and adjust your behavior once you are ready.
 
Well, you know it was wrong so now you must accept the consequences. There are good decisions and bad decisions. Each will alter the course of your life. Accept the mistake and move on. Now that you're single again, go ahead and screw your brains out. Perhaps afterwards, you will be "ready" for a relationship.
 
Dude, you got scared and he got scared and it all ended up on a ballistic note.

More likely than not, he is the guy, who has been burnt before and a part of him is telling him that men tend to cheat. (He is sooo right.) You only confirmed his worst fears and thus, reinforced his belief. He certainly did not hesitate in his action to shut you off completely. This indicates that he has had an established policy on the matter and that in turn, only confirms the hypothesis that he must have been thru this before.

So, let's face it. You screwed it.

Move on. There is no use crying over the spilled milk, right?

SC
 
If you've been dating for a month means that you've been seeing each other frequently, then I would also have been offended that someone who I thought I was clicking with was also looking around.

But if it was only one or two, then there' less reason for him to react this way.

Still, since what he discovered hasn't been explained by you (that you were just looking, sort of panicking), he has the option to think the worst: that the good times you guys have had aren't mutual. He may feel embarrassed and hurt that what he thought was possibly going to be something more wasn't, since you're 'looking' around still.

If he lets you talk to him, explain to him what you looking around means. If he can't handle it after that, then I would move on.
 
desks4567 said:
So I started going out with this guy for a month now - and the relationship moved ahead quite quickly - we clicked really well and knew that it had a potential for something long-term...

I got kinda freaked out in the first couple of weeks that I might actually enter into a long term relationship. Stupidly, I decided to have one last piece of fun and searched for guys on a dating website. Nothing ever came out of my search, but my boyfriend found out that I was pursuing someone....

We havent talked about it yet, but he basically cut off all communication with me. I know I did the wrong thing, but it's not like we've been dating for so long. only a few weeks...
Is there any way I can explain myself to him? Do you think he'll understand?? I'm totally not the cheater type, but he's not the fogiving type...

what do i do!? i still wanna date him :(
Click to expand...

Online dating?? That's the best thing that has ever happen to me but I was not the one searching either. But I did get what I wanted.

My bf (it's safe to say he is bi) was seeing this woman and I discovered that she had been having online relationships. Unfortunately he was totally unaware of it and I did not know how to go about telling him. I told him the truth since he trusted me and I trust him, as it should be. She totally blew a fuse and she is no longer in his life. He did invited me to his home on Valentines Day for dinner and we are going to New York again next month.

He is seeing other people, but he is not ready for a serious relationship and I respect his honesty. He did not specified what gender, but from all indications and he told me, that what we have together is between us.

My suggestion to you, if you are doing anything online, that to me is just like cheating. Believe me, someone will find out.
 
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