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My boyfriend is handsome and attractive, I feel quite insecure

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water90

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The gist of my question for advice is - my boyfriend is quite handsome, big, tall, built and attractive. I find a lot of people do look at him and admire his physique and I feel quite insecure that he might cheat or will leave me. I'm a twink, short, build. What can I do to overcome my insecurities?

The story ...

I've recently met a guy through grindr. Initially it was meant to be just purely a hookup but after we had sex I decided just to talk to him, small talk which developed into a conversation. The next morning I was on grindr and he messaged me why I was still hunting and that he misses me.

So I decided to delete the app and we messaged each other throughout the week. We decided to meet the week after for some fun again. The day before I downloaded grindr to see if he was on and he was and asked him why he was still on when he insisted that he misses me and told me to delete the app myself. We had sex again.

The following week we had our first date. Proper dinner which he paid for and we had sex afterwards. I felt attractive to him physically, not romantically but we continued to message each other throughout the week.

Then by the next week after our second date, I feel for him as he opened himself up to me. He showed this other side of him. He claims he loves me with all his heart and all the romantic sayings you can think of.

He messages me every morning before work and every night before sleep, throughout the day. We call, text, meet up for dates. I've checked his phone on 3 occasions and he doesn't have grindr or doesn't text other guys.

What I don't understand is why he's with me. I'm physically quite average. Twink build, quite short. I have personality but it's hard to tell in this case because I don't know if he truly has gotten to know me well enough to claim to love me. I feel very insecure because he is a very attractive man, with good looks, well groomed, looks after himself, works out regularly and has a big heart. Sometimes I don't understand why he's with me. He doesn't compliment my looks and in a way I like that because it seems honest.

There was a point where I just wanted to end the relationship because of my insecurities and jealousy that he might be looking at other people. I expressed these views and he got quite angry and told me he loves me for me. Can someone fall for someone in the space of 20 minutes of conversation? He says he just wants someone that cares about him and loves him rather than looks but I'm sure there are hotter guys out there who will love and care for him just like I do
 
He is attractive to you. You are attractive to him. You do not look like each other. I conclude you have different taste in men. Now don't argue with him when he says he finds you attractive.
 
bankside said:
He is attractive to you. You are attractive to him. You do not look like each other. I conclude you have different taste in men. Now don't argue with him when he says he finds you attractive.
Click to expand...

Yes, just listen to him and enjoy.
 
Your insecurities could very well destroy his interest unless you learn to get beyond it. Of course other men look at him. Have you stopped looking at other men, not for sex but admiring their attractiveness? We all have different tastes as bankside has stated. It doesn't have to be physical. If your dates and sexual encounters have been great, don't push the panic button. Stop questioning him on why he likes you, just go with the flow and show your trust in what he says. Good luck.

Craiger
 
You're going to chase him away if you keep this up. He's told you he likes you for being you. You've snooped and found nothing. You're pushing and pretty soon you will be here with another thread about how you had a Great guy and lost him. Unless he gives you a reason to suspect something is wrong stop sabotaging your relationship

I dated an Abercrombie model for 6 months. I'm not attractive and in my forties. He liked me because I was nice and didn't treat him like an object. we talked about it a few times. He hated modeling because the people were shallow and mean. He was tired of guys telling him how hot He was etc. He just wanted someone real that would date him and accept him for who he was. Not because he was a model.

Just be his bf and be happy with it. If he gives you a reason to think something is wrong then question it but it sounds like you're looking for something that isn't there

Steven
 
Thanks heaps guys for the advice. It must be all in my head - stereotypes and low self confidence. I actually did ask to check his phone 3 times and he willingly obliged saying he's 'got nothing to hide' which I felt was really brave of him, I wouldn't search his phone without his permission. I didn't find anything suffice to say.

I forgot to mention that my previous boyfriend had cheated on me with my close friend as well so that also adds to the insecurity issues that I have. And that went on for a month until I found out. Ever since then my trust in relationships has never been the same.

I have/had that attitude that monogamy and relationships don't work in the gay community. I used to hook up with guys and later found out that they were cheating on their boyfriends more often than not and it's saddening.

From all this, I think I will go with the flow and stop pushing him away. It seems so good to be true but I feel like I really deserve someone like this, who's full of heart.
 
water90 said:
Thanks heaps guys for the advice. It must be all in my head - stereotypes and low self confidence. I actually did ask to check his phone 3 times and he willingly obliged saying he's 'got nothing to hide' which I felt was really brave of him, I wouldn't search his phone without his permission. I didn't find anything suffice to say.

I forgot to mention that my previous boyfriend had cheated on me with my close friend as well so that also adds to the insecurity issues that I have. And that went on for a month until I found out. Ever since then my trust in relationships has never been the same.

I have/had that attitude that monogamy and relationships don't work in the gay community. I used to hook up with guys and later found out that they were cheating on their boyfriends more often than not and it's saddening.

From all this, I think I will go with the flow and stop pushing him away. It seems so good to be true but I feel like I really deserve someone like this, who's full of heart.
Click to expand...

If you say so .... :)
 
Am I the only one seeing flashing red warning alarms over the "I love you with all my heart" being dropped on the second date?

I didn't tell my boyfriend I loved him until about five months into dating, and he didn't even say it back until about the eight month marker. I do agree that you should enjoy what you have, and stop being negative; but at the same time, a part of me is yelling that this isn't going to end well if its just some kind of "puppy love" relationship. I've been in that too, and believe me, it did not end well for either of us.

Just be realistic; you like him, he seems to like you, so go with it and what happens happens.
 
The_Reaper said:
Am I the only one seeing flashing red warning alarms over the "I love you with all my heart" being dropped on the second date?

I didn't tell my boyfriend I loved him until about five months into dating, and he didn't even say it back until about the eight month marker. I do agree that you should enjoy what you have, and stop being negative; but at the same time, a part of me is yelling that this isn't going to end well if its just some kind of "puppy love" relationship. I've been in that too, and believe me, it did not end well for either of us.

Just be realistic; you like him, he seems to like you, so go with it and what happens happens.
Click to expand...

Thanks reaper, you bring up an interesting point. I told one of my girlfriends and she told me to be careful with that regard as well. I'd had to sound like I'm irresistible but two guys I've met before have confessed their love and said 'I love you' and 'you are the one' after just getting to know me after a day. I guess this puppy love you call it occurs a lot more than I thought. I did go out with Jason, of the fellas and it definitely didn't sustain but with Matthew, I think it's going to last.

Thanks for the advice though, I'm going to take it as is and just enjoy it with a bit of caution.
 
Also know that every time you ask him to show you his phone, mail, anything like that, you are telling him "I don't trust you. I think you are a liar and your word means nothing to me." With these exact words.
 
RED FLAG!!


Guys who "fall in love" that quickly, fall right out of it with the same ease.

There's no way he "loves" that fast. It's extremely likely that you are operating with a whole different definition of that word than he is.

Be careful.
 
You will do just fine! Just keep your emotions in check and take it slowly. Keep the positive thoughts and have fun. For many people saying "I love you." can be a phrase that, while not meaning it in a deeper sense, is a part of their vocabulary. Hopefully with Matthew it is said with an emotional meaning, but hear it, enjoy it, and respond with affection as well. My best to you both.

Craiger
 
The two things that I'd attempt immediately would be, 1) to live in the moment. The only guarantee we have is today. Remember he chose you, and, 2) stop spying on him. No relationship is worth worry, grief or getting you to behave in ways that make you ashamed of yourself.
 
Three months in and the honeymoon period is still going strong. I still really love the guy. Yes, I love him and he loves me. Sometimes I wonder if it stems from our insecurities that we want to be forver together like those movies but i think we are on the same wavelength.

He made my birthday very special, not from the presents but from all the time and effort he put into it.

Ill be updating this thread in a few months time to see how this relationship is going.

To me, i can fall in love with someone after a month. If you know you know. I didnt quite understand what one means when they say they love someone 6, 8 months later? Only because im differently wired.

Thank you all for the replies as well
 
Listen to The_Reaper. He said it all.

I wish you all the best.
 
It's good to see you're still together after three months. It is a red flag to hear from a guy that he loves you after the second date. Continue to take the advice of others that spying and continuing to doubt his fidelity will eventually ruin your relationship. No one can handle the psychological pressure of always being doubted and checked on.

Best of luck. Keep us posted.
 
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