My boyfriend is not in a good shape anymore...

[Christophe977]

Hi guys!

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I’m 36 years old, I’ve met my boyfriend 3 years ago and we have been living together for the last two years.* He is my first boyfriend and the first person I slept with…* Before then, I had struggle as a closeted guy…

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Meeting him has been a real good thing for me.* It allowed me to open up to my family, my friends and most of my work colleague…* I like lots of things about him:* he cares about me, he is funny, patient, and respectful, he likes my family and my friends, and he wants to have plans with me… *We even bought our first house together (where we are supposed to move in two months).

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However, since the beginning I think, our sex life hasn’t been that great.* First of all, I have a much lower need to make love than he has (maybe it’s because he is 7 years younger than me?).* But he said he was OK with it…

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But my most important worry is that I have slowly lost interest in him in the last few months, part because he physically has taken lots of weight since he has started his own business last year…* When I met him, he was OK, not very muscular (which I like) but in good shape.* But now I think he is at least 30 pounds overweight…* Yesterday I was starring at him when he was changing and I surprised myself thinking that I wasn’t turn on anymore by his body…* I sometime have suggest he should try to get back in shape (he was running daily before but is not anymore because he lacks time…) but I don’t thing anything will change soon…* However, I don’t think it’s fair to leave somebody just because of his physical aspect…

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I’m a guy who tries to stay in shape and I workout at least an hour a day at the gym…* I’ve notice that for a few months I look to others guys and would definitely like to sleep with some of them...

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So guys, I don’t know what to do…* Considering I still like being with him on a daily basis, should I keep trying to build something with him, hoping that our sex life will improve, or thinking sex life is not a such important issue (also considering that I’m not 20 anymore)?..

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Or should I move on…* and tell him that the home we are buying together was a mistake?..

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My boyfriend say it’s important in a couple to speak a lot to each other about what we are feeling…* but I really don’t know how I could tell him how I’m feeling without hurting him…

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Guys, I really would like to have your advice about it…

 

[aaggii]

Hardly trying not to pass judgement here.. Are you in love with him or with his body? Answer that to yourself and draw your own conclusions.

 

[mbamike]

My boyfriend say it’s important in a couple to speak a lot to each other about what we are feeling…* but I really don’t know how I could tell him how I’m feeling without hurting him…

This, as your boyfriend has suggested already. Communication is extremely important in a relationship. Sex comes next. Seems like you are having problems with both.

So a family meeting is in order. Be sure to listen to him too when he expresses his concerns/feelings. It is a two-way street. Good luck.

 

[hylas]

i dont think its unreasonable to expect your partner to stay in shape (within reason).

your sex life will not improve by just "hoping". youll have to work on it together. but to be honest, if your sex life wasnt all that great to begin with, it might be an uphill struggle...

perhaps sex is not so important for you, given that you seem to be pretty serious with a guy you never were all that sexually satisfied with? but then again, if sex really didnt matter, you probably wouldnt be writing here?

sorry, this may not have been the most helpful thing ive ever written, but perhaps its useful as some food for thought.

 

[KaraBulut]

The real issue here is his priorities. At the moment, his priority is his work. Not you. Not your sex life. Not his workout schedule. Not his own health.

So, if he were to get back into shape, there's no guarantee that that would fix the real problem. Only a realignment of his priorities will fix that.

So, it's time for a talk. Maybe reconsider the strategy of focusing on his body and instead focus on his priorities and what you both need to do to put your relationship back on the top of the priority list?

 

[Seasoned]

Working out together may be the solution as would a talk/plan about healthier food choices. My husband and I have gone to couple's counseling as needed for "tune-ups.

 

[eastofeden]

I would tell him exactly what you have said here....

It is important that he is aware of your feelings so you can BOTH make decisions that are best for you BEFORE you go any further with the house or relationship.

Let him react however he reacts.....if you don't have honesty you have nothing IMO.

 

[dereperez]

As others have stated here, I would let him know how you are feeling right now. If you try to spare his feelings and thus cut off the important communication, then it can just become much worse further down the line when much more (physically and emotionally) is invested.

 

[baltimore]

To me there are two points you can make:

1) Don't focus on his weight, focus on being healthy and long terms goals. Things like "We should both really start eating better." "I was thinking we could start taking walks around the neighborhood at night"

2) He's probably super stressed right now. I gained about 15 pounds when I was working on getting a manager job. It was insanely stressful, I ate quickly and didn't work out. You can help him find ways to combat this. "Babe, I made you a nice lunch today so you don't have to grab fast food" or wake up everyday and make him some fresh veggie juice or a healthy veggie / fruit smoothie to take with him on his way to work.

Work with him, view it as things you can do together. There are times when it is natural to not be attracted to your significant other. Sometimes you're in a funk, sometimes you're just stressed and can't focus on sex, or you think they're changing. Find something to spice up your relationship. Play with some toys or do something different that might turn you on a lot.

 

[HunterM]

Start eating healthier as a couple to lose weight. Here's a show from Dr. Oz: http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/fast-diet-tricks-work

 

[Kabluey]

Maybe see if you can get him to join you for a quick run for starters - something small and then gradually build back in to it.
Chances are he'll feel better and more in control of the new business if he takes some time out and exercises.

 

[sixthson]

This is really not about his weight, is it? You need to be honest with yourself. You want someone and something else.

Whenever someone asks us, a bunch of strangers, if they should move on, they are really looking for encouragement to do just that.
Don't place that on us.

 

[DafyddGeraint]

As one of the earlier posters suggested, perhaps its a priorities thing on his part. I work hard at my job, career progression in retail is all about putting in those unpaid extra hours, about going the extra mile and making yourself stand out. Sometimes, well all the time, its 12/13/14 hour days and when you get home you are exhausted, you don't take breaks, you don't eat sensibly or regularly and gorge on sugary and fatty foods when you can to fuel you up because you never know when the next one comes along.

Work becomes all encompassing, you base your day entirely around work, you don't have energy to exercise and why would you? Its time you could better spend working and getting things done, and when you are self employed or running your own business, its entirely down to you, the company succeeds or fails on your efforts.

Support him, be there for him, help him, if necessary roll your sleeves up and get stuck in with whatever work you can do for him to get him out the office sooner, but above all else TALK TO HIM. I didn't realise that I'd nearly lost my partner until they told me how I made them feel unwanted and unloved because I was so consumed by work. And why was I working so hard? - To do the best for them, but by doing that I was hurting them..

 

[lodeus369]

"He is my first boyfriend and the first person I slept with…"

Are you looking to have more experiences with other people just for the sake of "experimenting"?

I don't have a lot of experience, but the bit I've had reaffirms that once I find a good person I will I will do my best to treat them well and hopefully never let them go! There are too many people out there that just want to take advantage.

 

[rareboy]

Talk to him.

 

[rm71182]

As someone who has lost over 70lbs in the past year (and 20 more to go), you HAVE to talk to him and tell him everything you just said here. It may be harsh, it may get ugly, but the worst thing you could do is not give him a chance to turn things around. 30lbs is not much at all! Especially with the help of a loving partner (and one who's already a fitness buff like you are). 2-3 months and he can be back in shape.

It sounds crazy, but when you gain weight, you sometimes don't realize it until someone points it out. People ask me how I got to be 260 lbs and I tell them, "one pound at a time." You'd think things like pants not fitting, etc, would ring alarm bells, but dont underestimate self-denial. It takes courage on the part of people who love us to sometimes point out things we ourselves can't, or won't, confront.

It's not unreasonable to leave someone because of their weight. Both members of a relationship have a responsibility to take care of themselves for the sake of the other. But you've got to give him a fighting chance!

 

[ludolfo]

lol this reminds me. A young male posts a lot on Youtube, and he began seriously turning me on. VERY hot. But OMG then one day I saw a video of his where his features have gone all fat. So I told him---not hopefully in a nasty way. He is not gay, but I just said something like 'please---you look so much totter before you put on weight. Please dont lose that natural hotness'---He didn't seem to take it seriously but time will tell. it is very IMPORTANT to tell people if they are letting themselves go--especially if your in relationship with them. All this crap about 'its the personality'----yeah sure--we cruise around looking at personalities. Be honest. I DO value peoples character, but also we lust after fit bods too. True some people dont seem to mind --but if you do dont pretend you dont

take a video of him secretly and chock him by showing it to him. see if that works.

 

[brokegayguy]

Well, it's a fact of life that all relationships age. If you intend to be with someone a long time, you're going to see him change for better or worse. If it was only the physical aspect of him you loved, then the relationship was pretty much doomed from the start. He's going to get fat and old and ugly someday, and so are you. But a relationship can work if you love each other enough to overlook that. Sounds like you can't for this guy though

So...yeah, what are you telling us all this for? Tell him.