My boyfriend keeps in touch with his ex's

[dhchitown1984]

More of a rant than a need for advice...

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost eight months now.

I feel very uneasy with the fact that he maintains good relationships with his ex's.

My BF and I work together, and of his last four relationships, three are coworkers all of which are still with the company. Some relationships were longer than others, some stronger than others. I'm happy to say that we are going much longer, and from my one-sided perspective stronger, than the rest.

I still get very uneasy when we go out as colleagues and friends because my boyfriend by nature is much more flirtatous than me. A very limited number of people at work know my BF and I are dating, and we have to maintain a low profile when out with coworkers which is OK with me by principle. However, when we're at a gay bar with our coworkers, he has a tendency to dance and become overly touch with them, including the ex's. One night I even went home from the bar without him (he stays overnight at my place when we're all out so he's not drinking and driving) and he ended up staying out with one of the ex's until the 4am bar closed, and he didn't make it back home until 5:00 in the morning. More than anything, I told him "while I don't think anything is happening, everything you're doing gives me every reason to think otherwise." The scales go between "I'm super trusting" and "I may be the biggest fool on the planet."

I've expressed how it makes me uncomfortable, and how it keeps me up on those nights knowing that he's out with them until the wee hours of the morning drinking, dancing, and flirting, and he always tells me I'm making a big deal out of nothing. After the second time I brought it up, I told him that if it's nothing, he shouldn't have any problem coming home at the modest time that I do. I've explained to him that its the company he is out with that bothers me, not the fact that he's out with friends having a good time - it's with guys that he's had previous relationships with & for all intents and purposes think he is single, and from what I've observed aren't quite over him (for example, he created his Birthday Event on Facebook tonight at 9:45pm. Just looking at the page now, two of the ex's are the first and only two to confirm attendance, at 9:47 and 9:51pm... it's the internet, and I shouldn't put so much stock in it, but it's also somewhat telling). They consistently call him, text him, talk to him alone at work, etc. I've explained its frustrating to me that because we don't want to have our relationship or jobs threatened by people knowing we're a couple, that I can't really talk to him at work, we don't take lunches together, etc because rumors had gone around a while back which have subsided... but he doesn't seem to have any problem talking to these guys in front of the company.

From the outside of work social perspective, we don't have nights where just the two of us go out and dance and have fun... there's always at least one other person there who prevents us from having that social time together.

I've suggested we take a drive to another nearby city for a weekend get-away over our overlapping day off from work and go out there, get a hotel room, go out to a local gay bar, go out and be a social couple, and not worry about other people being there - and I've flat out said "I get why we can't do that here, so I want to create that time with you somewhere else" but it's met with hestiations and "why do we have to do thats." His reasoning, which isn't totally unrealistic, is that we spend our mutual day off together all the time - from sun up to sun down, at a mall, running errands, dinner at his house with his sisters, etc. and we usually spend 6 of the 7 nights in a week at my place. While we do very domestic couple-y things together, we don't really do "dates" like we used to - not even going to a movie, out for dinner, things we did when we first starting dating.

I trust my boyfriend, and never cause a scene when we're out, but it just frustrates me that he's OK with dancing and having fun with our coworkers, who happen to be his ex's, and not me. Whenever it's someone who he hasn't had a relationship with, I laugh and have fun with it, but I can feel my mood declining and I can tell my expression completely changes when it's an ex... which I think is perfectly OK to feel given the circumstances.

It's just frustrating. I think it's hard for gay relationships to work in this regard because many of our partner's friends may be gay, and therefore, can be seen as potential threats to a relationship... where as a straight couple can have a "night with the boys" or a "girls night out" and it means nothing because they're not out with people who may be attracted to them... if that makes sense.

Anyways, how can I get my point across another way?

 

[altlover85]

It seems like an extremely frustraing situation. I'm sorry that you have to be involved in it. I don't have an answer for how else you could put things to your boyfriend, but I do have some thoughts about what you've posted.

I've expressed how it makes me uncomfortable, and how it keeps me up on those nights knowing that he's out with them until the wee hours of the morning drinking, dancing, and flirting, and he always tells me I'm making a big deal out of nothing. After the second time I brought it up, I told him that if it's nothing, he shouldn't have any problem coming home at the modest time that I do. I've explained to him that its the company he is out with that bothers me, not the fact that he's out with friends having a good time - it's with guys that he's had previous relationships with & for all intents and purposes think he is single, and from what I've observed aren't quite over him (for example, he created his Birthday Event on Facebook tonight at 9:45pm. Just looking at the page now, two of the ex's are the first and only two to confirm attendance, at 9:47 and 9:51pm... it's the internet, and I shouldn't put so much stock in it, but it's also somewhat telling). They consistently call him, text him, talk to him alone at work, etc. I've explained its frustrating to me that because we don't want to have our relationship or jobs threatened by people knowing we're a couple, that I can't really talk to him at work, we don't take lunches together, etc because rumors had gone around a while back which have subsided... but he doesn't seem to have any problem talking to these guys in front of the company.

So it seems like you two aren't on the same page as far as all this partying with exes goes. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to see it as a big issue and I don't think you are going to have an easy time convincing him that it is, in fact an issue. Ideally, he would put your concerns about his own and if not agree to leave when you leave, at least agree to lessen his partying with these people because it makes you uncomfortable, even if he doesn't understand why.

While we do very domestic couple-y things together, we don't really do "dates" like we used to - not even going to a movie, out for dinner, things we did when we first starting dating.

It also sounds like you want to rekindle the romance and I think that's a great idea. Maybe you can ask him if he'd do one date a month or something like that. I think that's pretty reasonable.

With all that said, I would think about what you are getting out of this relationship as far as positives go. I'm sure you have some and I can understand why you didn't want to include irrrelvant information, but it certainly seems like he isn't able to see things from your persepctive and is always questioning why you have the needs that you have, instead of being willing to compromise on things and maybe do some things he might not be thrilled about doing, just so that you are happy.

In other words, it seems like he's taking more than he's giving. This may not be true, but it's just the sense I've gotten from what you've shared. You may want to think about if that is actually true or not and then decide if this relationship is really worth it, if nothing changes.

 

[Rolyo85]

There is one very simple truth about relationships - when you really care about the guy you're with, you want to make him happy. If what you're doing makes him unhappy, you stop and you do the opposite. And you are never bothered by it because making him happy makes YOU happy. That's how I see it, and even though sometimes there are conflicts, they should always be worked around with that mindset in mind, and not with the "it's my life and I get to do what I want with it, and you shouldn't make a big deal out of things".

You should try to not be jealous for nothing. Jealousy is off-putting. BUT if you're not obsessive about this stuff, if you don't make scenes all the time and demand things, I think you're perfectly within your rights in a couple to simply ask him to stop doing that or tone it down to a non-threatening level, or find a way to balance it with extra attention or whatever. And because of my first paragraph, you don't owe him reasoning and arguments. It makes you feel bad. That's all he needs to know in order to change things. A relationship is never about someone feeling bad.


But with that said, you should also be realistic. Don't ask for things that are totally the opposite of who he is. You are dating HIM, not what YOU want him to be. And if you want to go to a movie or have dinner outside, just say so, but don't expect to go on "dates". Relationships have stages, and once you have passed one, you have passed it. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but looking backwards only shows you are not happy with the present.

 

[altlover85]

And if you want to go to a movie or have dinner outside, just say so, but don't expect to go on "dates". Relationships have stages, and once you have passed one, you have passed it. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but looking backwards only shows you are not happy with the present.

I'm pretty sure he simply meant the idea of spending one on one time with one another in a romantic context.

Relationships have their ups and downs and I think that their progression is not always linear. The need or want to capture some aspect of your relationship that you once had, but don't have now, is something that I think is key for a lot of healthy relationships. If that means a couple has to have "date nights" I don't see the problem with that.

 

[subsonic]

There is one very simple truth about relationships - when you really care about the guy you're with, you want to make him happy. If what you're doing makes him unhappy, you stop and you do the opposite. And you are never bothered by it because making him happy makes YOU happy. That's how I see it, and even though sometimes there are conflicts, they should always be worked around with that mindset in mind, and not with the "it's my life and I get to do what I want with it, and you shouldn't make a big deal out of things".

You sound like the perfect boyfriend
But you're absolutely right in this matter. I mean, you are TWO people in a relationship: it's like being a team - you have to work together to make it work. While an important factor is that you're also very much to individuals. You both have your own minds, set of friends and ideals and making all these fit together is not always that easy.
But the thing is, you really have to make an effort and try to listen and understand to your partner. The fact that you guys work together with with so many of his ex'es would, if it was me, totally freak me out. You don't strike me as a very demanding person because of your wish for your bf to come home and not stay out with his exes - in the contrary! You strike me as a very tolerant guy! I for one don't think I would be able to cope all that.

Why is it, if I may ask, that it's only a very limited part of people know about your relationship? Wouldn't it perhaps help if your boyfriend just flat out told the people he works with (exes) that he has a boyfriend. If he for some reason can't say that it's you, then at least just to let people know that he is off the market?

It seems like you've tried to reason with him and teel him how you feel and I always feel it's a good thing to be honest and talk about things in a relationship, before the heap up and become bigger problems than they really are. When someone that you care for comes to you, vulnerable and honest, you own it to them to at least listen to them and take it all in. But it seems like your bf just brushes it off and isn't trying to understand you. This is seen very clearly when he's saying that you're making a big deal out of nothing. Well, to you this is a big deal and he should listen to that.

About the whole doing things together besides the usual stuff, then I'm all for it. Because everything quickly becomes everyday-life, I feel it is important to just take the time once in a while and do stuff together. It doesn't even have to be big thing, but just small things were you can engage in one another and have a good time. That's not at all too much to ask for.

I think, as altlover85 said, you should really think about the relationship and if you're getting as much as you're putting in it. If there is an uneven division of these two, you should really contemplate on whether or not this is the right thing for you. I'm not one for just quitting a relationship, I think you should work hard to make it work. But it seems like you've tried to make your point and maybe, just maybe, you guys are simply just too different?

Good luck!

 

[G-Lexington]

I guess the easy answer is - this is who he is. He's very touchy-feely, he's very flirty, he likes partying, and he likes doing all this stuff with his exes. You can not make him "not-like-this". So you need to come to grips with the fact that this is how he's going to act. He won't throw it all over to spend each night with you - that's not his nature.

Lex

 

[sixthson]

Your bf does not appear to be bf material. At least not the kind of bf you want and need. You say you trust him, but when alcohol, flirting, clubbing and touching others is so commonplace, it's hard to believe he knows just where to stop. There's probably a reason he has so many exes. You don't appear to be demanding or clingy to me, but you are worried.

If he is so indifferent to your wants at 8 months, it is not likely to get better.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Thanks all for the advice.

Part of the reason why coworkers can't know about our relationship is that we're both senior-level managers in the small company we work for. Most easily put, he oversees Sales & Sales Driving, and I oversee Customer Service & Customer Retention. We both agree it wouldn't be well perceived by our subordinates if they knew. His ex's were all colleagues when he and they were on the same level, before he got promoted and before I entered the company.

I know we're definitely past the "dating" stage, and while I like that we've fallen into complacency with simply running to Target together, it would be nice to have those once-a-month or every-few-week nights where we do something just out of the norm to, as altlover85 suggested, rekindle the romance.

He definitely does a lot of great things for me. I was laid up and out of work for three weeks a couple of months ago, and he was by my side the whole time - practically moved in with me - to make sure I had everything I needed. And that's big picture. Small screen, he definitely helps out every way he can, rarely takes more than 10-15 minutes to get back to me if I call or text, and generally just makes me feel special.

It's just this one aspect of our relationship that I can't quite wrap my head around. As I said, I have no problem that he talks to them, and wants to be on good terms with them, I'm all for it - and hey, it's a small world we live in - the less enemies the better. But it bugs me that he has (what I deem to be) "too much" fun with them, in a capacity that I've asked for us to have - but hasn't provided, which is why I suggested the "Let's go somewhere else to do this" method. I feel like we're at a point where he'll either crack and finally "get" what I'm saying, or I'm going to have to make a tough decision that I don't want too.

Thanks to all!

 

[Seasoned]

Thanks all for the advice.

Part of the reason why coworkers can't know about our relationship is that we're both senior-level managers in the small company we work for. Most easily put, he oversees Sales & Sales Driving, and I oversee Customer Service & Customer Retention. We both agree it wouldn't be well perceived by our subordinates if they knew. His ex's were all colleagues when he and they were on the same level, before he got promoted and before I entered the company.

I know we're definitely past the "dating" stage, and while I like that we've fallen into complacency with simply running to Target together, it would be nice to have those once-a-month or every-few-week nights where we do something just out of the norm to, as altlover85 suggested, rekindle the romance.

He definitely does a lot of great things for me. I was laid up and out of work for three weeks a couple of months ago, and he was by my side the whole time - practically moved in with me - to make sure I had everything I needed. And that's big picture. Small screen, he definitely helps out every way he can, rarely takes more than 10-15 minutes to get back to me if I call or text, and generally just makes me feel special.

It's just this one aspect of our relationship that I can't quite wrap my head around. As I said, I have no problem that he talks to them, and wants to be on good terms with them, I'm all for it - and hey, it's a small world we live in - the less enemies the better. But it bugs me that he has (what I deem to be) "too much" fun with them, in a capacity that I've asked for us to have - but hasn't provided, which is why I suggested the "Let's go somewhere else to do this" method. I feel like we're at a point where he'll either crack and finally "get" what I'm saying, or I'm going to have to make a tough decision that I don't want too.

Thanks to all!

It does all boil down to this in the end. Both people attempt to compromise or give in if they can. If the can't or won't then they have a choice for one or both to be miserable or break up.

I don't know how long you can keep this a secret and maintain sanity. Not to be mean but I'm also wondering why he has to bed down co-workers rather than look for boyfriend's outside his workplace.

Stay mentally healthy realizing he's not going to one day just miraculously come around to your way of thinking.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Why is his past with coworkers? Long story short, he's relatively new to coming out. He's been with the company for just over six years now. He just really started coming out a year ago, and we started dating somewhere in that process. Which is also why I'm trying as hard as I can to look away when we're out with friends - I want him to have fun, and enjoy going out and being himself - but he also needs to hold himself accountable for the fact that he wants a relationship at this point in his life as well.... which goes back to me encouraging him to go out, and have fun, and go out without the "ball and chain" of a boyfriend - just not with your exboyfriend till sun-up.

I know he'll never change completely - I just hope that being aware would make him understand, which would give him the encouragement to tone it down a bit.

 

[anchihiro]

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but i would just end the relationship.

 

[Rolyo85]

Oh, the freshly out syndrome kinda changes the picture. I'm under two years out myself and I know how intoxicating it is. I think you need to sit him down and have a talk about the awareness you mentioned. Tell him what you just told us - that he wants a relationship and that comes with responsibilities, including things that he might not feel like doing. Put your foot down in a calm and understanding manner. Discuss it with him and come up with some regulations on how both of you can be happy without him feeling too constrained and you feeling too insecure.