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My boyfriend of 5+ years told me he kissed another guy:( Help:(

desk dont leave him he has never done it he made a mistake dont go with wat other may say go with the one thing that you have to hear it from your heart boo a man has his days but its crazy i should know
 
The "younger me" would have had a hissy fit like you, and agonized, and then tried to "rekindle" your relationship.

The "me now" would ask "well, why the fuck didn't you bring him home for a three-way?"
 
Get over it , once you grow up you will find these things happen.
Tell him not to be honest next time, you will hammer him for ever and a day over this , very feminine behaviour.
 
elvin1 said:
I think this is mainly where most of the problem lies. Where I underlined.

There was talk from BOTH of having a threesome. Maybe he should have shut that down from the very beginning. Sounds like they both wanted a threesome.

If he decides to forgive him, he may want to forget about threesomes. Sounds like he might be too jealous for it.
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^^^
Good Point.

... and I'm probably the wrong person to give any advice here.

I've been cheated on enough times, this is a real button for me. I'm tired of the "begging forgiveness is easier then asking permission" thing, and tired of the "I was drunk" excuses.

Also from MY experience, I doubt they JUST kissed. There was probably at least some groping going on, and probably Oral. He's wanted him for a long time. JUST a kiss? C'Mon. It's almost NEVER 'Just a kiss'.

The guy couldn't keep his stories straight weather he wanted it, or didn't ... feeling the way for more IF he could have gotten away with it, but trying to sound remorseful enough to save his own ass.

Like I said... this issue is a BIG Button for me.

180px-Red_button.png
 
I see a lot of replies about how the worst part is the texting when he got home. We've got to remember that he was absolutely wasted by that time. Saying a million things and texting, it sounds incredibly nervous and drunk to me.

If it's been a good five years, then I would definitely just try to move on. It sounds like he got caught up in the moment, he regrets it, and he didn't want there to be any secrets from you. I doubt he intended to hook up that night, and if he had, he probably wouldn't have told you anything about it. I also don't think he necessarily needs to disconnect from the friend, especially if the guy is leaving. That could lead to an uncomfortable 'unfinished business' situation, whereas if they just continue to talk, the awkward situation can go away gracefully.

G-Lex had the right idea above.
 
To be fair both of you have pushed the edges about how you define your relationship by joking about threesomes, even if it was only joking.

It is clear though that right now the boundaries of your relationship are not stable or well understood, except when one of them gets crossed.

That doesn't mean you have to dump him, though you could and you'd be within your rights, but it does mean that one way or another you both have to be up front and clear about your boundaries.

And until those boundaries are settled, your boyfriend should not be texting with this guy or worried about missing him. That's asking him to pay a price, which in other circumstances he might not have to pay. But he's kind of fucked this one up, and it's a fair price to pay. It is definitely more than "no big deal." He's fucked this up. You're allowed to let him un-fuck it, but he's going to have to work at it and give his head a shake.
 
By the time you have been together 5 years and talking about marriage, you should have a pretty solid, mature relationship based on mutual love and trust. Do you have that?
It seems odd to me that you can be in a relationship for 5 years, living together and talking marriage and still at least partially in the closet. How does that work?
 
He kissed another guy when he was drunk. I don't see the big deal in this.
 
I think the main thing is that you guys need to sit down and communicate. He needs to hear from you how much this has affected you and in what way. Doesn't sound like you've been completely forthright about your feelings with him. I think if you take the time to truly communicate with him, you'll know where his heart is in the matter.
 
sit him down and establish exactly what he just did to hurt you... do not let him interrupt you...

then tell him exactly how you feel about him and your how you are not interested in throwing away your relationship over what is going on

then give him a mind fuck and tell him to give you this guys information so you can talk to him

if he doesn't want to give you the information then something is fishy and he probably didn't tell you everything.

if he does give you the information without much of a fight then i would suggest you get to know his friend better... if your bf of 5 years is gonna miss this guy enough to text it in front of you then he must be a really awesome guy and you should become good friends with him too... after all if you have been together for 5 years already then you probably share a shit load of friends anyway.
 
puka-pride said:
sit him down and establish exactly what he just did to hurt you... do not let him interrupt you...

then tell him exactly how you feel about him and your how you are not interested in throwing away your relationship over what is going on

then give him a mind fuck and tell him to give you this guys information so you can talk to him

if he doesn't want to give you the information then something is fishy and he probably didn't tell you everything.

if he does give you the information without much of a fight then i would suggest you get to know his friend better... if your bf of 5 years is gonna miss this guy enough to text it in front of you then he must be a really awesome guy and you should become good friends with him too... after all if you have been together for 5 years already then you probably share a shit load of friends anyway.
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Wow that's a really good trick. I wouldn't have thought of that, but I'll remember that if I ever need to catch anyone in a lie.
 
Having been in this situation before, I have one very important question (answer brutally honest):

Can you forgive him?

And I don't mean in word only. I mean genuinely forgive him, where you won't use it against him or this event won't fundamentally change the way you think of him.

If you can, then let's start the healing.

If you can't, and I was in this situation, then it's time to say good bye, regardless how scary being single may seem now.

I was in a relationship for 4 yrs and I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. But I tried to make it work because I was scared of throwing away all our years together. Unfortunately, I should have been honest with myself. I couldn't trust him anymore. I was paranoid he would cheat on me again. We would fight all the time. I would get angry, he would get defensive. It actually hurt more staying together than being apart.

It's now been 2 years since that relationship imploded and I can honestly say I am much happier now.

Be good to yourself and the 5 yrs you had together. Be honest with yourself first.
 
reone said:
This.

And I'm not understanding why he felt the need to text the guy while discussing the event with you...that makes absolutely no sense to me.
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You don't know much about drunks do you....... :rolleyes: ....... #-o .......(!)
 
cliffdweller said:
Ordinarily, I might agree, but the OP said his bf didn't know the guy was gay until that night (if I read the post correctly). If you had a crush on a guy but thought he was straight, you wouldn't reasonably think anything would happen. I mean, it happens in porn, but this is real life.
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You read correctly. The fact that they found out they were both gay that last night together shocked them both.... and apparantly made them exited:(
 
Molitor69 said:
Let it go, he was honest and it was just a kiss. Had he been having an ongoing affair and lied to you over and over then it's a different animal altogether. He loves you and that stopped him from going any further. You won, keep it in your back pocket, but don't get even because then you both lose and the relationship is over. If the relationship is healthy in other parts then you are ok. If not then, maybe it's a bigger issue and it's heading downhill. Your position to analyze.
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This was definitely not a long term affair. Just that one night. I really do want to forget about it. If I blow everything up now, he will never be honest with me in the future and will try to hide things from me. I don't want to play mommy.

Overall, the relationship is healthy. I just feel betrayed....and yes - I feel jealous. I feel jealous that a fantasy of his came true and that he took advantage of it while he was in a relationship with me. And I don't know if he should be punished, or just given a pat on the back.
 
metta said:
If all that happened is that he kissed another guy and if you do decide to let it go, then you really need to let what happened go. Don't use one small mistake against him again, that will only harm the relationship further. Before letting it go, you do need to tell him how much it hurt you that he did that. And to please not let something like that happen again because you will not be as forgiving if there is a next time. But once that is said, don't bring it up again.
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Thanks Metta. This is pretty much the route I will likely take with this issue.
 
I am concerned that you're seriously considering throwing a five year relationship away over a kiss and one instance of texting. If he keeps texting him, and if he meets him again, yes there's a problem. At this stage, there's no huge problem. Be thankful he was honest with you, tell him you appreciate it, but make it clear that what he did wasn't acceptable and should not happen again if he values the relationship and wants it to continue.
 
As usual, I totally agree with G-Lex. He rarely disappoints.

As an aside, I'd add that if all it takes to shake the foundations of a relationship is a kiss, then it must not have been much of a relationship.
 
Tell him you need sometime to think and then take it. Consider what he did, that he was honest and most importantly if this is something you can forgive him for.

Also if you feel he has to cut off contact with this guy or any other things u might personally feel he needs to do to help re-establish trust.

Give it a couple days and then go to him with your answer.

If you do take him back make sure and point out its only cuz he was absolutely honest with you from the beginning. I'd refrain from making threats about breaking up next time if he does it again because then he'll just want to hide it. He should already expect by you telling him you need to think that you considered ending it.

Personally? I'd be pissed and I'd make it known I was pissed. I'd need a couple weeks if not months of alone time to cool off but I'd let him know I don't want to end things. 5 years isn't worth ending on something as dumb as this as long as this is all it is.
 
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