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My boyfriend of 5+ years told me he kissed another guy:( Help:(

Ah, the closet and getting wasted. Now what's going to play out is any missed agenda they may be thinking about. He may need to explore this, but if he does you don't have to stick around. The bottom line is not wanting to be someone's second choice, while at the same time not wanting to give the message that ok with a hiatus everytime he crushes.
 
future_retro said:
I am concerned that you're seriously considering throwing a five year relationship away over a kiss and one instance of texting. If he keeps texting him, and if he meets him again, yes there's a problem. At this stage, there's no huge problem. Be thankful he was honest with you, tell him you appreciate it, but make it clear that what he did wasn't acceptable and should not happen again if he values the relationship and wants it to continue.
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I agree...I am afraid that if I take it too far yet remain with him, he will try to always hide everything from me (although there should be nothing to hide because it shouldnt happen again lol)!
 
Just to make things slightly clearer, my boyfriend is not really in the closet. He just didn't talk about his gayness in those classes he took. Some people did know, many didn't.

The classmate, however, was a total closet case and in fact he could very well be bisexual. This was his first kiss with any guy. Out of nowhere he drunkinly just started saying how much he likes my boyfriend. And my drunken boyfriend (who already had that slight crush) went for it.

At this point, I WON'T make a big deal out of it. I will tell him I'm glad he was honest with me and I will tell him that I felt disrespected. Also, I'd like my boyfriend to make it very clear to that guy that he's in the middle of a 5 year relationship. I'm not so sure that was made clear!

Once that's all said and done, I would expect that other guy not to communicate with my boyfriend. I think he'd have brains enough not to mess around with others' relationships.
 
desks4567 said:
Once that's all said and done, I would expect that other guy not to communicate with my boyfriend. I think he'd have brains enough not to mess around with others' relationships.
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This is not about the other guy, however. This is about your guy. Your guy should not be communicating with HIM and your guy should have the brains to not mess up his OWN relationship. You don't need to communicate with anyone but your own man.
Your man needs to know where his loyalties lie. The other guy has no obligations to either of you.
 
I appreciate all of your advice and thoughts. Being in a relationship is not easy, and sometimes getting advice or encouragement form others who may have more expericen can help.

A few days have gone by, and I still havent really discussed it with my boyfriend. I just really want to do it the right way and prepare to say the right things. But I'm still filled with emotions of anger, jealousy, betrayal. Not fun.....

I will update you guys as things progress. (i hate when people pour out their problems on this forum and then you never hear from them lol).
 
desks4567 said:
I appreciate all of your advice and thoughts. Being in a relationship is not easy, and sometimes getting advice or encouragement form others who may have more expericen can help.

A few days have gone by, and I still havent really discussed it with my boyfriend. I just really want to do it the right way and prepare to say the right things. But I'm still filled with emotions of anger, jealousy, betrayal. Not fun.....

I will update you guys as things progress. (i hate when people pour out their problems on this forum and then you never hear from them lol).
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It is OK to feel anger, jealousy, etc. It's natural. You can even acknowledge these feelings when you talk to your bf. I wouldn't leave 'the talk' for too much longer though, otherwise the impetus is lost. It's sensible to wait till you've calmed down a bit, but you also need to 'strike' while the iron's hot. I think you're at the stage now where you can talk sensibly and rationally about this issue with your bf, and yet it's still recent enough to be relevant and topical. Leave it too long, and he'll think you've been stewing on it (which you probably have, lol) and he may react with: 'I thought we were past this - why are you bringing it up now?'

Yes, do keep us updated - and good luck. ..|
 
desks4567 said:
I appreciate all of your advice and thoughts. Being in a relationship is not easy, and sometimes getting advice or encouragement form others who may have more expericen can help.

A few days have gone by, and I still havent really discussed it with my boyfriend. I just really want to do it the right way and prepare to say the right things. But I'm still filled with emotions of anger, jealousy, betrayal. Not fun.....

I will update you guys as things progress. (i hate when people pour out their problems on this forum and then you never hear from them lol).
Click to expand...

When you talk to him, tell him how you feel, but not just to dump on him. Show him the respect you expect from him, and if you ask anything, give him something he can actually do something about. You have nothing to lose from being brave and being honest.
 
metta said:
If all that happened is that he kissed another guy and if you do decide to let it go, then you really need to let what happened go. Don't use one small mistake against him again, that will only harm the relationship further. Before letting it go, you do need to tell him how much it hurt you that he did that. And to please not let something like that happen again because you will not be as forgiving if there is a next time. But once that is said, don't bring it up again.
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Agreed. I wouldn't really blame him for, as a number have mentioned, "putting himself in a situation where this could happen." You said he just finished his master's degree, right? And was at a graduation party? I think a party is totally appropriate after accomplishing such a feat. And I'd definitely let my man fly solo if I didn't feel the crowd, didn't know anyone, or wasn't in the mood. I'd celebrate with him mono y mono if I wouldn't make it, but I certainly go just to be a killjoy if that's the situation I was putting myself in.

At any rate, I would be very clear and forthright with him--which, admittedly, is easier said than done. This is something I struggle with, of course. ;) Nonetheless, I think it's paramount in a long term relationship to eventually get over the discomfort and reservation. Some of the hardest things that need to be said are the most important things to be said. I've seen this with the president of the company I work for, and I have been learning it in my interactions with subordinates on whom I have been too lenient .

I would wait to cool down a bit, but not let the infraction slip by, or let too much time pass by, which can detract from the severity of the situation. And I would definitely be honest about:
--feeling hurt that he DID (as opposed to "would," because then you're calling him a sleaze--stick to the facts) kiss another man
--the newfound anxiety that this could possibly mean something more
--extensive appreciation for his honesty

On the last one, you might even note that his honesty is what has brought you, calmly, to a point of communication--as opposed to ripping his head off or showing him the door.

I suspect, if you don't say your piece, or get the answers you need to be at peace with him, then you will be left with a pang or tinge of regret. The decision is entirely yours, but I would suggest that the discomfort of investigation is actually much lighter than the risk of regret.

Communicate! Don't water down or minimize your reaction, but don't overreact either!

Food for thought.
 
desks4567 said:
Just to make things slightly clearer, my boyfriend is not really in the closet. He just didn't talk about his gayness in those classes he took. Some people did know, many didn't.

The classmate, however, was a total closet case and in fact he could very well be bisexual. This was his first kiss with any guy. Out of nowhere he drunkinly just started saying how much he likes my boyfriend. And my drunken boyfriend (who already had that slight crush) went for it.

At this point, I WON'T make a big deal out of it. I will tell him I'm glad he was honest with me and I will tell him that I felt disrespected. Also, I'd like my boyfriend to make it very clear to that guy that he's in the middle of a 5 year relationship. I'm not so sure that was made clear!

Once that's all said and done, I would expect that other guy not to communicate with my boyfriend. I think he'd have brains enough not to mess around with others' relationships.
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Good call.

Dispel the mist, and illuminate the facts! "Sheer nudity!"
 
bankside said:
When you talk to him, tell him how you feel, but not just to dump on him. Show him the respect you expect from him, and if you ask anything, give him something he can actually do something about. You have nothing to lose from being brave and being honest.
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Sheesh, you guys are so much more eloquent. And concise, too. ](*,)
 
I don't know if I could handle this myself.Mind you,I'm only 23 years old,so maybe you could attribute my intolerance to the fact I'm not as mature as some of the other men here.

If my boyfriend got drunk and kissed another guy,and I mean ONLY kissed another guy,I could deal with that,and if he came back to me and was honest about it,even better.But if he told me that he got drunk and made out with a guy he's had a crush on for a while now,I'd be pissed.Pissed enough to end it?No.Pissed enough to make his ass sleep on the couch?Definitely.

But if that motherfucker had the audacity to come up to me apologizing and begging for forgiveness because he got drunk and made out with another guy and he's texting the guy in question about how much he'd miss him while he's doing it...

Oh hell no.

First thing,that phone would be smashed to pieces.Second thing,the now ex-boyfriend would get the shit smacked out of him.Third thing,he'd be out on his ass.You want to go out and pull some shit like that on me,come back begging for forgiveness only to text this bitch about how much you're going to miss him?To hell with that.If he'd miss him so damn much he can just go with the motherfucker and not miss a damn thing.I sure as hell wouldn't be missing his ass.

Being understanding and forgiving is fine.In fact,for a relationship to even reach the long term stage you have to be at least a little of both.But there is a line between being a loving,understanding,and forgiving boyfriend and being one of those pitiful political wives we see on the news every time a Senator fails to keep his pants zipped.
 
Well for those still interested, there's an update:

I finally had a proper talk with my boyfriend about this whole situation. I took the advice of the general consesus here in this forum (don't dump him, tell him how you feel, move on, don't ruin what you have, make him understand that it was wrong, thank him for the honesty etc).

I did all that, and I tried to focus on the fact that he (and I ) should try to distance ourselves from temptation in the future. We ended the conversation and I think it went well because I touched on all the points that you guys have talked about. (Thanks!)

However...

Over the last two days, I still felt icky inside. The whole thought that he kissed him and that it was not just a drunken mistake, but a drunken mistake after a crush of sorts really got to me. And the fact that it could have been worse got to me even more (if I was on a vacation or something, maybe he could have brought that guy home with him. After all - we live together and I was home that night). So like an idiot, I started to cry in front of him last night. I just couldnt hold myself in and cried like a baby. I went as far as to blame myself and asked him if something was wrong with our relationship or if something was wrong with me. Why would he have liked someone else, etc...

He said he still loved me and that nothing is wrong with us. And that it was a stupid crush that ended in a surprise because the other guy ended up being gay and that the crush will go away. They'll also probably never see each other anyway.

Anyway, at this point, I hope this whole situation is over with for now. i don't want to bring it up again. We're going to continue as normal. I wish 'crush' and kiss never happened, but it did, and that's life i guess...
 
ah see the crying? the crying is great actually. I mean I'm sorry for your pain but I think it gets the point across to the BF quite well and honestly I'd feel like an even greater sack of shit if my boyfriend started crying then if he yelled at me.

Not that you want him to feel that way but it'll get across to him that he hurt you and to be responsible for his actions.

And that icky feeling? Yeah, that's gonna take awhile to get better. its one thing to say "don't hold it against him" and actually be able to do it. It'll take time is all.

Best o luck!
 
desks4567 said:
He said he still loved me and that nothing is wrong with us. And that it was a stupid crush that ended in a surprise because the other guy ended up being gay and that the crush will go away. They'll also probably never see each other anyway.
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"PROBABLY" ??? Were those HIS words? For consoling, he's NOT very good at it.

I dunno...

I would be expecting him to say NEVER again. Not "probably never".

Someone in his predicament should be swearing "NEVER AGAIN!!!"

... but what do you get? "Probably never again..."

To me, this says he's sad that he'll never see him again, and the ONLY reason is the distance between them, NOT because it's a CHOICE on his part to never see him again... because, if he were around, he would PROBABLY see him.

Right?
 
1) Don't be so quick to bale on a 5 yr relationship. You may not have another 5 yrs on Earth nor find a guy you care for as much even if you have 65 more.

2) Talk it out and go with your gut feel on what you think he is saying and then think about it. But do let him know you feel like beating the crap out of him however hug him when you say it.

3) 3 Ways are not good ideas.

4) Trust is more important than sex.

5) Listen to the Killers Mr. Brightside

"I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss".......................................
 
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