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My boyfriend still talks to his ex...

D

dhchitown1984

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Ugh, I just need to vent. On one hand, I think I'm going to sound like a jealous queen here, but on the other hand, I feel like my feelings are somewhat valid.

My current BF used to date someone else in one of our social circles. I was never great friends with the ex, and I'm the newest person in the circle... I didn't know either my BF or the ex when the two of them were dating.

When my BF and I started dating, we decided not to make it a big deal in this particular social circle because we didn't want to hear everyone else's opinions when we were still trying to get to know each other to see if it was a relationship that could go somewhere. But now, everyone knows we're a couple.

That being said, we were out last weekend and the ex texted my BF asking where we were. Now, a lot of us in the same circle were out, and it didn't appear as though he got in touch with anyone else in the group, myself included. But when he showed up, my BF started talking to/dancing with the ex. At first it didn't bother me, I get it, they dated for seven months... they still see each other often.... he likes leaving relationships in good standing... that's all fine. But then as the night went on, I felt more and more ignored. I didn't confront him that night, but rather, the next morning he came up to me and said that he knew I felt ignored and that he should've been paying me a lot more attention. I explained that I didn't need his attention, but rather, it makes me uncomfortable to see you out on a dance floor dancing with your ex at 2:30 in the morning when I'm there. He said he understood.

The other night, we went out for dinner with the group and the ex was there. He started drinking and got awfully touchy/feely and kept asking him to go outside with him for a cigarette. My BF used to smoke, but quit, and yet still went outside with him. I told my BF that night that "I really hate the fact you're still remaining good friends with him, especially when I see how he (the ex) responds to him (my BF)."

I'm not looking for him to tell this guy that they can't be friends anymore, because I don't think thats fair, but I also don't think that I'm out of line to tell him how I feel. I guess it's just a matter of me really thinking about the relationship and the intentions of the ex, because I honestly don't see my BF responding to it in a flirtatous/sexual/interested way, but it just makes me uncomfortable. Is that wrong? Just feels good to get this off my chest.
 
Quite honestly, you handled it a lot better than a lot of people would. At least you weren't dramatic and caused a scene there, but rather waited. Kudos to you good sir.

It seems like he was understanding the first time when he told you he knew you felt ignored. Assuming that he hadn't and that you hand't mentioned it, he can't claim ignorance.

But you did talk about it, so there's no excuse for it happening again. I definitely agree that he shouldn't stop talking to the ex, but if it's making you uncomfortable and he seems to understand it, I don't see why he would repeat the same pattern of behavior.

Did you talk to him about it again?
 
Personally, it sounds as if your BF still may have feelings for the "ex". And those feelings are stronger than those he has for you. Think about it, he has ignored you multiple times for the ex. Be careful or you could be the next "ex" in his life.
 
Thanks both for your feedback.

@uslad: I didn't mention it after that. When I told him that I "hated the fact blah blah blah" he did cut the conversation out and was less responsive to him. He said that he would be more aware of his interaction with him next time we're all out. I haven't brought it up since then because he hasn't had the opportunity to prove or disprove what he said... so until then, I'm just beating a dead horse if I keep talking about it.
 
There's nothing wrong with keeping a friendship with an ex. But there's two problems here.

The first problem is the ex. Anyone who has this kind of behavior with anyone's boyfriend is someone that needs to be watched and not trusted.

The second problem is your boyfriend. On one hand, it appears that this is all going on in the open and there's no secrets (note: appears). And your boyfriend is conscious of what he's doing and apologized to you without you bringing up the subject.

Huntneo(PT) said:
You have good reason to be 'concerned' about this. Something about what you've said regarding everything sounds very disrespectful, imo. One can be friends with their ex, but damn...he's doing too much.
Click to expand...

^^^QFT

This is the problem. Your boyfriend should be telling the ex, "Hey, we're friends and all but it would be really disrespectful and inconsiderate of me to hang out/dance/smoke/be alone with you when my boyfriend is here".

And if your boyfriend is going to smoke with his ex after your boyfriend supposedly quit smoking... well, that's more reason to be suspicious of both of them.
 
One of my close friends is an ex. There's nothing wrong with having a friendship with a past relationship. However...

The ex in your case has bad intentions. My guess is he still feels he has some sway and influence over your boyfriend and likes to intentionally flaunt it to undermine your relationship. He's bad news, and you're not too far away from getting to the point of an ultimatum.

Your boyfriend is also showing signs of weakness. He is letting himself be pushed around by his ex. It is also becoming habitual that he apologizes for ignoring you, but then keeps doing it.

You need to evaluate your relationship. Is your boyfriend worth keeping? If he can't solve this situation himself by showing some self-control, then I think you are well within your right to embarrass him by calmly calling out his ex and expressing how uncomfortable you are about the whole situation.
 
As for myself, I get along with my ex very well. We were together for two years, so we're just very close and we know each other well. And it's always great to be around someone who knows me so well. But no matter how close I get to the ex and what we do, my boyfriend knows I love only him and my ex only very good friend to me (although from his part, there is still love).
My boyfriend don't need to be afraid of our relationship.

I just wanted to say - be careful and watch them closely, but don't be too suspicious and paranoid, because that could ruin your relationship as well. Trust is very important.
 
I'm afraid I don't see this ending well.

Your boyfriend is being very immature. Or he may be playing a game with both of you.

But if he thinks that putting you and your current relationship to the test to see how far he can go without losing you, then you've already lost him.

I would suggest that you exit this relationship gracefully.

When the ex turns up, don't say anything. [STRIKE]Find his car and slash the tires.[/STRIKE]

Tell your boyfriend that you realize that you are wrong about complaining about his attention to the ex and that you understand he may still have feelings for him.

And that under the circumstances, you think it would be best for him to have the opportunity to sort those feelings out, but without your involvement or presence or the possibility that this escalates into a drama that your friends will dine out on for months.

Be the adult here.
 
People's opinions vary on this subject, but I've never seen the need to remain friends with an ex. Being cordial if need be and being polite in social circles, but actual friends? I say no. Afterall, it's a divorce and there are plenty of people on the planet with whom to establish friendships. You don't need to be put into situations like you've described. It's not like years have gone by. Not to be crude, but they can still smell each other on each other.
 
Your boyfriend is an attention-seeking asshole!
there you have it!But i would give him time to change his behavior rather than making an uncertain decision and regretting it later on.
goodluck!
 
True. Everyone has had very good insight and perspective. I guess what bothers me more is that I don't necessarily distrust my boyfriend, but moreso, I don't trust the ex....

I still think he's due one more actual opportunity to show that he either is or isn't hearing me, and his reaction in that scenario will make my decision.
 
OK before we burn the boyfriend at the stake let me just point out that we don’t know what both sides of this look like.

I’ve been with guys who saw things where there was nothing – and I’m not saying that’s what’s going on – to try not to rush to judgement in this kind of situation.

OP it comes down to one thing. DO you trust him, and what are YOU willing to put up with. Jealousy is never a good thing in a relationship, and people do not always behave with consideration. That doesn’t mean he’s cheating, it doesn’t mean he isn’t,it’s just life.

Look, you can’t tell him who to be friends with, you can’t tell him who to talk to, you can’t force him to do anything. It may be that the ex has an agenda, it may not, but really, it’s not the ex that’s your problem – it’s you and your boyfriend. So, do you trust him, and what are you willing to put up with? Those are your decisions to make, and your choices.

If this is such a big problem, if you think he’s cheating, you have to make the hard choice about that and either try to work through it, or walk – and if he won’t try to work through it with you – your choice is pretty damn clear.
 
I think your boyfriend is secretly enjoying the attention from two guys at the same time.

The ex still has unresolved feelings for him.
It's up to you, but i'd just end it sooner rather than later.
 
I am - unsurprisingly - with TX-Beau here.

I advise caution in listening to any advice given in this topic. Among the really good suggestions there are a LOT of assumptions and scenarios presented as facts while none of us have nowhere near enough info or insight on the situation to actually make such claims.

You are within your rights to be worried, but you should really try to keep a level head. Talk to him about it, tell him how it looks on your side, and why you think the ex has agendas. Do NOT leave the relationship "gracefully", that is anything but being adult...
 
Dancing with the X, awkward, taking cigarette breaks with the ex, awkward, texting the X, awkward. You cannot control what your boyfriend does but you don't have to put up with it either. If this is a fairly new relationship you should re-evaluate weather it is worth the trouble.
 
There's experience here and a fairly good understanding of human nature.

Roylo. We're not going to debate one another here about the value of the advice given by other posters, because if this persists, I'll just ask a mod to throw a lock on the thread since all the advice has been offered and it is devolving into posters arguing with each other.

What I know is that any relationship where there is any jealousy at all will not end happily.

I know this. Period. Full stop. I have years of watching this happen and to see the results among friends, family and acquaintances. Jealousy destroys all relationships.

There is a definite issue with any bf who has to apologize to their current squeeze for ignoring them. I know this. It is indicative of a problem with attention and sensitivity if nothing else. I've alos seen what has happened in many relationships because of this exact behaviour.

It is my suggestion that as this all goes pear shaped, the OP will want to exit the relationship gracefully. This is different than telling him to text his bf and dump him right now.

At this point, we only go by what any poster wants to tell us and based on the information shared, we give our opinions.

You'll notice that I didn't say...."Just ignore all the other posters and only any attention to my advice"

So here's the thing.

Don't argue with the advice that others are giving and don't quote their advice in order to point out why they are wrong. This forum isn't for posters to argue with one another; it is to offer our own unvarnished opinions.

Which the Op can pick and choose the bits he likes from any, all or none.

Got it?

Good.
 
Rareboy beat me to the punch, but heed what he's written. This is a no flame forum and while we may have the correct answers for our own lives, with the emphasis on may, it's up to the OP to takes what he/she likes and leave the rest. So please, leave your advice, and, if you return, keep your thoughts focused on the OP. No one comes to this forum for a side show. We have Hot Topics and Current Events and Politics for that.

I've been moderating with a very light touch, but I'm willing to take the pearls off ladies if need be.

Let's keep those in need of support and advice at the forefront of our efforts here in this forum.

Thanks.
 
Lady! I object to being called a lady.

I'll have you know I grew up in the backwoods and my hair is huge and my makeup slathered about like a truck stop hooker.

I think I saw a pearl once - she's the woman with the tags on her hat right?
 
[edited]

I'm on here to help people. That includes commenting on advice that I find harmful. I do it extremely rarely, and even when I do, it's only to advise caution. When someone comes on here asking for advice, they are obciously uncertain what to do. Painting vivid pictures could easily sway them in some direction, it's not as simple as "pick what you will". The quoting post was a response to something specific, and not my original intention.

[edited]
 
hey, dude. I totally understand you. It's not about being jealous or threatened but just feeling comfortable. The best way out is to talk to you boyfriend and tell him how you feel. I had a similar issue before but it was not about ex. I told my boyfriend my concern and I felt uncomfortable about it. He respected my feeling and changed his behaviors. Sometimes I even think if I interfere his private life? But he tells me just to let him know whenever there is such a issue. You cannot judge people in love in a normal sense. lol. Anyway, communication is really important on both your side and your boyfriends' side. If he loves you, he will respect whatever you feel ( it seems true in your case). If it is not, he is not worthy your time.
 
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