My boyfriend was about to hit me... </3

[Dirrtydexter]

This is the 2nd time :'(

This always happens when he drinks he doesn't think :'(

He shoved a few weeks ago in front of my sisters but everyone was to uncomfortable to say anything.. I really felt in my heart it was because he drank too much because he's never been like that to me let alone cussed at me :/

We agreed never to drink in a group setting around gay people because supposedly that's also contributed to him pushing me (even though that really had nothing to do with it)

So we agreed never to do it again since usually there is alway drama (not physical) and its because of him.

I agreed to drink with his family and him which never caused issues but tonight was different.The situation happend after we were alone in his room.

We got into a stupid disagreement but this time I cussed at him and he came at me, saying did you just cuss at me. I could see it in his eyes so I because dismissive right away pleading with him to chill and apologizing. But he shoved me on the bed, I again said to
Please calm down and he did it again.

So instead of fighting him i just kept apologizing :'( and tucked myself into a corner next to the bed. He just began to sob saying he's sorry and I was so scared i just kept saying I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong even though in my heart I knew whatever I said cussing or not I know in my heart it's not ok for him to put his hands on me...

He just kept saying he's sorry that it's my fault that I pushed him to do it and I just stayed quit just apologizing over and over..

In my heart I felt like it was Ike and Tina turner, The abusive husband and the frightens wife...

He left to go lay in the guest room but I'm scared -_- I don't know what to do because he's never EVER like this when sober and he's not big on drinking unless it's an occasion ;/ he's had so many issues with drinking before 2 DUIs and such but that was before we knew each other. It's going to be out 1 year in 2 days. I dont know what to do :'(


I was in an abussive relationship before but never was it because
My abuser was under the influence.


I'm scared sad frightened angry and confused :/ I'm 25 he's 28 and I'm just feeling lost :/


What should I do?!?!

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are in a dangerous place and the solution is simple but not easy. Your priority needs to be your safety, both physical and emotional. Human beings are equipped to handle a lot and some people stay in situations for life. Unfortunately, that life is hellish and sometimes cut short.

Alcohol and other drugs can exacerbate violent behavior, but whatever a person does under the influence he is also capable of without. You are in danger and you know what you must do. You love him and think you need him and somehow are bargaining in order to stay in the relationship.

Leave him immediately and get yourself into therapy. The fact that this has happened to you before leads me to conclude you have self-esteem issues which need to be addressed. Those issues will only get worse. Staying and trying to fix him is a sign of co-dependency on your part. You are responsible for you and he is responsible for himself. The level of danger you are in can be measured by the blame he puts on you.

Please leave.

 

[HunterM]

Run for the hills! Save yourself.

 

[racer2438]

I would be packing my things, and leaving.......things get worse with some people and they can resort to extream violance

 

[bankside]

I don't think anybody needs two abusive relationships.

Someone who doesn't learn from his first DUI and still drives drunk after that, gets drunk and belligerent after that, is a write-off as far as I'm concerned. He needs to be single, and that requires your help. Because if it were up to him, he'd keep stringing you along, intimidating, losing control, crying, apologising, but still somehow amazingly pinning the blame on you, for as long as he can get away with it.

 

[Rolyo85]

The fact that he blamed you is the biggest red flag of all. Just because he was drunk means nothing. Obviously he has it in him, and it will surface more and more now that he knows it goes unpunished.

Leave him. This is one of those few black and white situations where there is no grey area, no room for debate and consideration. Save yourself.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I have a deal breaker with myself. I've never had to use it, but if a boyfriend were to ever strike me in physical abuse, the relationship is done. That's it. Once you cross that line, you can't go back. He's chosen to go down that road, and it's time for you to leave him.

 

[Maklaar13]

Do not allow yourself to continue this abusive relationship. You have the power to change this, pack your stuff and leave and don't look back, nobody has the right to treat you like that.

 

[subsonic]

^^ I never thought the day would come where I would be able to say that I actually agree with Just_Believe, but in this case I really do!

He just kept saying he's sorry that it's my fault that I pushed him to do it and I just stayed quit just apologizing over and over..

^^This is serious! One of my very dear friends had been in a relationship with a guy that was abusive towards her for 2-3 years I think it was. When you're in that deep, it is hard to leave, even though it is the right thing to do.
Please, do yourself the favor and leave. The guy has issues that he needs to handle himself. Don't give him the chance to do this to you again. It's hard but you should really just go - for your own and his sake.

 

[mynameisace]

Break up. It was unacceptable the first time. I'm not sure why you've stayed around.

 

[Dirrtydexter]

Thank you.

I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to respond, because it's hard to turn to family and friends because the obvious feeling of being looked at for even asking in a situation like this brings double judgment, not only on my partner but for me as well so thank you for the advice.

I think the biggest thing which a few of you pointed out that scared me the most was him trying to justify his behavior by blamin me. And the codependency is true, it's sometimes easier said then done when given the advice to leave because I do rely on him..

Regardless thank you for the words of strenght I'm really appreciative of them

Peace and Love

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I think you should probably convince him not to drink alcohol anymore.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, cause that always works.

 

[bokan800]

I'm just gonna reinforce what the other people before me advised you already, get out while you can. It's hard I understand, I've been in that situation before too. My ex is bipolar and completely turns into a complete monster when he is extremely intoxicated. He never laid his hands on me but he will destroy things around us when we argue and becomes verbally abusive. When he snaps into reality he would cry and beg "apologize" but that cycle would never been end... Trust me, there are way better guys out there.

 

[Dirrtydexter]

Thank your for sharing that.

 

[ThatRandomGuy]

I think you should probably convince him not to drink alcohol anymore.

You can try this, give him an ultimatum that it's you or the alcohol. You mention that this only occurs when he's under the influence. There are groups and resources out there that can help. Try and see if he is willing to get help or talk to someone such as a therapist. Ultimately only you know the exact situation and it will be your choice to stay or not. However as many others have said if things do not improve and the relationship becomes harmful to your health it is recommended you leave to protect your well-being.

 

[mc7777]

I will just add to the general consensus and advise you to get out of the relationship. He has and will only get worse (behavior indicates he is getting worse; no effort on making changes.) Even if he tries to change, he needs to do that on his own, and you can't be part of something he as a person needs to address. It will be painful and hurt however the pain of splitting up will be far less than suffering of staying with and dealing with such an abuser and alcoholic. Don't fall for the thinking traps of the cycle of violence. I suggest you do some research on domestic violence and the cycle of violence. Good luck on what you do!

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Once is bad enough, time to leave.

 

[USEDCAR]

Alcohol is a big deal wait for him to go to work and pack your bags and leave if its your place then kick him out and go get some help and figure out what to do. Because if you say something hes going to promise to change and hes not. Your boyfriend shouldn't be using you as a punching bag or verbally abusing you.

I know its not the same thing but had a fake friend that would use me to get drunk and turn aggressive and he would just have an bad attitude verbally rude and just don't care. So i explained to him when he sobered up that i didn't like his behavior so he said he would stop. Again we hung out a town 45 mins away from us (Wildwood) i warned him do not get drunk you are very rude and he didn't listened so he got drunk and of course got aggressive had an attitude and he just pulled out his dick and started pissing everywhere at the bar/restaurant on the patio so i left him there and blocked him and told him to leave me alone. The guy had two duis and lost his license for a few years. I was trying to figure out why all his "friends" ignored him when he asked them to go out now i know why!

 

[Ninja108]

I will repeat what others have said to you already..and that is to get out of this relationship now and don't look back.
You can't save someone else at the expense of your own safety and wellbeing.
He has already physically abused you twice and blames you for it. Domestic violence never gets better,only worse.
Take measures to protect yourself and get the heck out of there.