My boyfriend's porn habit - should I be bothered?

[eastofeden]

THANK YOU!!! Thanks for sharing your story and for also making me feel like I'm NOT the only person in the world who is bothered by this. And that I'm normal for having the feelings that I do. Gays these days are so judgemental and unaccepting of anything that doesn't fit their own views and experiences, which is so so SO hypocritical. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship went sour. Fortunately, my sex life is incredibly healthy and seems to become even more healthy the longer we date. The opposite of what everyone says will happen haha. I guess I'm just afraid that it would eventually lead to where it lead your ex (the porn not being enough). I guess I will take this as it comes, and see where we end up!

How you handle and respond to advice reveals alot......

Some of the best advice is not advice that agrees with you....the things that are the hardest to hear are often the very things you need to hear....

 

[Danny]

How you handle and respond to advice reveals alot......

Some of the best advice is not advice that agrees with you....the things that are the hardest to hear are often the very things you need to hear....

You're correct. The response you quoted is to a person who stated the same thing as most of the negative posters did, but in a much more mature manner. He told me to suck it up and give in on this issue, as did the others. But he did it in a way that was kind, respectful and not condescending. I appreciate these types of people and this type of advice. Telling someone they are wrong for having certain feelings, especially when using the "all guys do it" excuse is a pathetic excuse for advice and a huge generalization and cop out. Gay men are gay men's worst enemy. I wish more of them would realize this.

 

[eastofeden]

You're correct. The response you quoted is to a person who stated the same thing as most of the negative posters did, but in a much more mature manner. He told me to suck it up and give in on this issue, as did the others. But he did it in a way that was kind, respectful and not condescending. I appreciate these types of people and this type of advice. Telling someone they are wrong for having certain feelings, especially when using the "all guys do it" excuse is a pathetic excuse for advice and a huge generalization and cop out. Gay men are gay men's worst enemy. I wish more of them would realize this.

The truth is that our own worst enemy is ourselves...and that includes allowing anyone else to have the power over us we give them..and we have to give it to them.

The nicest thing any other gay man ever did for me..truly...and I have given it alot of thought...was to shock me out of a behavior I had...long ago..self pity. It was killing me....and he was as mean and as in your face as anyone could be....he needed to be. I was too busy having a killer pity party to hear anything else...and he knew it. I hated him with a passion for at least a week....but when the lightbulb came on..I wanted to worship him....and I did...well - sorta... because I also learned along the way that putting people on pedestals sucks too....

My point..gay men can also be amazing...and how we define amazing I guess is subjective....and though sometimes oppressed people oppress each other as they externalize what they have internalized...I don't think that is the case here in this thread.

I think we have all crossed this bridge or one like it along the way....and the advice will differ as will the delivery.

 

[daddyfaux]

THANK YOU!!! Thanks for sharing your story and for also making me feel like I'm NOT the only person in the world who is bothered by this. And that I'm normal for having the feelings that I do. Gays these days are so judgemental and unaccepting of anything that doesn't fit their own views and experiences, which is so so SO hypocritical. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship went sour. Fortunately, my sex life is incredibly healthy and seems to become even more healthy the longer we date. The opposite of what everyone says will happen haha. I guess I'm just afraid that it would eventually lead to where it lead your ex (the porn not being enough). I guess I will take this as it comes, and see where we end up!

And that's why the control starts! Fear! The future is scary, and you can do your best to protect yourself for the future, but when it comes to your significant other, sometimes you simply have to trust and let go of the wheel from there. It's been fairly set in stone, you've expressed your feelings, he's expressed his feelings, yet the porn continues. You don't understand it, but he does, which leads to hiding. It's a toxic weed that can bloom into you two ending, all because of "what could happen."

Other perspectives, he could cheat on you without looking at porn. Someone earlier said how do you know he isn't cheating on you when you're away? That's trust. Embrace the trust you do have, he's promised monogamy to you, and it's up to you to trust him and expect him to keep his word. The sex is great, he's great, sometimes he's alone and wants to look at porn. Honestly broadening the spectrum, porn isn't much different than him jacking off to a mental image of someone else. It's visual stimuli if you're feeling uncreative/lazy. Hell, if you want to lie to yourself to feel better about it, you could even thank porn for him not going out and finding the real thing outside of your relationship.

Regardless, his brain is wired a bit different than yours, so is the case with anyone in any relationship. You don't have to accept it. You just need to understand it, and make a healthy sacrifice on your part if you wish to continue your relationship. And I'd say it sounds like a great one!


In my case, I don't believe it was porn that lead to the other things. I believe it was the smothering, which started from me being "hurt" all the time when he'd look at porn, which he was ridiculously open about, and I didn't realize that was something I should have embraced. The honesty, before the dishonesty. It was so many arguments about him finding someone else that may have lead to that exact decision. I'll never know! I can only learn and apply from it. So I'm really glad to hear you're going to roll with it, would hate to see that happen to someone else over something so fickle as porn.

 

[daddyfaux]

How you handle and respond to advice reveals alot......

Some of the best advice is not advice that agrees with you....the things that are the hardest to hear are often the very things you need to hear....

How other users give "advice" directed at a different perspective than there's reveals a lot as well.

"Suck it up" can sound drastically different in how you say it.

You really expect someone who views porn as unethical in a relationship to soak in and bathe in the first reply to this thread as good advice? Yikes man.

Edit: Oh shit Danny followed up with this almost verbatim. Yikes on my part as well.

 

[jjmc]

Thank you!!! This is the type of advice I was seeking, stated in a mature, kind manner, without making me seem like a terrible guy for having the feelings that I do. Great advice and story. Thanks again!!

I'm glad my advice/message was well received. I totally get where you're coming from. I really do...I recommend you take some time to really think about this issue. Also, spend sometime getting down to the root cause of why you feel the way you do. And that's not to say that your feelings are not valid. Personally, when I dug deep to find answers to my feelings I found the real
Issue and I decided to deal with that. But it was too late for me, but on time for and a big benefit to my current relationship of 4 years (on the way to being married).

 

[TX-Beau]

You're correct. The response you quoted is to a person who stated the same thing as most of the negative posters did, but in a much more mature manner. He told me to suck it up and give in on this issue, as did the others. But he did it in a way that was kind, respectful and not condescending. I appreciate these types of people and this type of advice. Telling someone they are wrong for having certain feelings, especially when using the "all guys do it" excuse is a pathetic excuse for advice and a huge generalization and cop out. Gay men are gay men's worst enemy. I wish more of them would realize this.

Well Danny, you've been posting variations on this same thread for two years - always getting the same advice. Never resolving anything, getting mad at the people you asked to comment, getting sanctimonious, judgmental, and argumentative.

I suspect that you don't want advice, you want to bitch. If you don't want people to comment. don't ask strangers on the internet to do exactly that.

 

[jaysizzles]

I'm glad Danny ultimately got the advice and understanding in the manner he was after. Seems like the advice was consistent throughout, just the tone in presenting it was different. I wasn't thinking I needed to coddle an adult when offering it.

 

[Justmarc]

lucky for me, my husband and I both love porn(100% monogamous here). But personally if I dated someone or my husband feeling bother that I look at porn or feeling insecure about it, and because of him and the relationship I will not look at it. All about compromised I guess.

Something I was wondering about.. Most of my women friends do not like their bf or husband looking at porn. But most men/gay men, think a little different I think. why are more women concern about it than men? (curiousity of mine)

 

[daddyfaux]

I'm glad Danny ultimately got the advice and understanding in the manner he was after. Seems like the advice was consistent throughout, just the tone in presenting it was different. I wasn't thinking I needed to coddle an adult when offering it.

Wow, since when is empathizing coddling?

It's literally like telling someone extremely heartbroken to "Get over it and move on."

Obviously it's the only advice you can really give someone, but how you do it is seperates something helpful from something useless.

 

[daddyfaux]

lucky for me, my husband and I both love porn(100% monogamous here). But personally if I dated someone or my husband feeling bother that I look at porn or feeling insecure about it, and because of him and the relationship I will not look at it. All about compromised I guess.

Something I was wondering about.. Most of my women friends do not like their bf or husband looking at porn. But most men/gay men, think a little different I think. why are more women concern about it than men? (curiousity of mine)

Without trying to sound ignorant with gender stereotypes, I'd say the combo of insecurity and men being wired more sexually.

Obviously isn't the case for everyone, a few of my friends who are girls have expressed being fine with their guy and porn. Then again, I know a few straight couples who are in open relationships as well, so it's all relative.

 

[eastofeden]

How other users give "advice" directed at a different perspective than there's reveals a lot as well.

"Suck it up" can sound drastically different in how you say it.

You really expect someone who views porn as unethical in a relationship to soak in and bathe in the first reply to this thread as good advice? Yikes man.

Edit: Oh shit Danny followed up with this almost verbatim. Yikes on my part as well.

I remembered his similar problems from his earlier posts and I chose not to bring it up but since someone already opened the door.....

I am personally amazed when someone asks for advice and doesn't acknowledge or interact with it. It indicates a disconnect on some level and one wonders if they gave any of it any thought.

For instance....I would like to know if any of the prior similar issues have been resolved.....and what steps did he take to resolve them? It would actually help in order give him better advice to move him into the future...

Snapping at or dismissing people who have taken time to give advice repeatedly is not a good sign.....

 

[KaraBulut]

Moderator comment:

This seems to happen periodically where a member asks for advice and then either cherry-picks from the advice to find the posts that they like or they insult the people who took the time in good faith to post advice.

The support forums offer something rare- the ability to get advice from a lot of people from from a wide variety of viewpoints, from different countries and from a many different life experiences. Some of that advice is offered gently. Some of that advice is offered very bluntly.

No one is ever obligated to take the advice offered. However, we ask that you read the advice and accept it for what it is. It is expected that the original poster respect the members who care enough to offer their viewpoint.

Frankly, if you aren't willing to consider the advice and respect those who post in these forums, you shouldn't ask for advice in the future.

 

[Kyanimal]

I would like to ad ...

If we didn't care we wouldn't post. And, sometimes the fact the we DO Care can result in being harsher, more blunt, in a concerted effort to get our points across. It's a matter of intensity. Sometimes we can "Care" too much.

Danny, please Listen. No one, including me, were attempting to "put you down". That was not any of our intentions at all. I do apologize if it came across that way. A lot of the time what is written, and what the reader perceives, are different things. That's simply a Universal truth of communicating through typed words. The tone in which they are offered can often not be the same in which they are received.

ALL who have posted truly are wishing You the Very Best!

If that were not the case, you wouldn't have heard from us at all.

 

[Danny]

Moderator comment:

This seems to happen periodically where a member asks for advice and then either cherry-picks from the advice to find the posts that they like or they insult the people who took the time in good faith to post advice.

The support forums offer something rare- the ability to get advice from a lot of people from from a wide variety of viewpoints, from different countries and from a many different life experiences. Some of that advice is offered gently. Some of that advice is offered very bluntly.

No one is ever obligated to take the advice offered. However, we ask that you read the advice and accept it for what it is. It is expected that the original poster respect the members who care enough to offer their viewpoint.

Frankly, if you aren't willing to consider the advice and respect those who post in these forums, you shouldn't ask for advice in the future.

I absolutely read every response and respect people's opinions. However, you cannot tell me how I should feel, or that my feelings are "incorrect". As I've stated before, there were posters who stated the same exact things everyone else did, but in a more mature, respectful manner. I chose to reply to These specific posters because I felt as though I should offer them the same respect they offered to me. As for the people who I felt were rude, disrespectful and telling me that I am wrong in feeling the way I do, well, I don't feel the need to respond to them. I've read it all. I've soaked it all in. I'm following the advice given by the people whose advice I felt was given in a way that showed actual concern and understanding. I don't follow advice that tries to tear me down. I posted here because I was in a bad place. I owe no respect to people who tried to put me in an even worse place. However, I greatly appreciate those who told me to "suck it up" in a respectful manner, and I let them know that.

It is also important to point out that you're basically asking me to respect posters with a different opinion than my own, but you're not asking the posters to respect an opinion that differs from their own. Hypocrisy?

If you don't understand that I have every right to respond to whoever I choose to respond to, maybe you shouldn't be a moderator.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, so let's recap shall we, your BF can't do anything you don't like, you don't have to listen to anything you don't want to listen to, you don't have to compromise with your BF, you get to ignore his feeling but he has to change because of yours. Kara who never says anything even remotely unkind to anyone is a hypocrite because you don't like him telling you that you should be considerate of other people.

So here it is, you have control issues because you are an insecure person, and lash out whenever you can't control the situation. This is going to be a problem for you until you find a way to fix it yourself. People in all of your threads have given you plenty of ideas. Have you tried any of them?

All across your threads this is the tone. You ask for advice, on an issue that comes down to you being unreasonably insecure. No one in here pulled that out of the hat - you've said it yourself repeatedly, and you don't like the feedback you get. Then you begin accusing people of attacking you, which never happened. You just use that as justification for dismissing things you don't want to hear. No one in here told you to do anything or called you names or said your feelings were invalid - let alone tried to "tear you down."

Trust me, no one in here cares about you that much.