My boyfriend's straight best friend is Scaring me

[gayboy204]

hi,

I am a not so educated gay boy in relationship with a man 5 years older than me for past 4 years. We have gone through some tough times as being gay (as in Western countries) is not tolerated here. We worked hard so that my boyfriend's family can tolerate me. I dont have a family so thats some relief. His mother and younger brother hate me. His father, sister and brother in law are ok with our relationship. My bf is very straight acting all his friends are straight. So my bf and sometimes his friends and family members treat me as his wife. I don't mind that.

for past few months one of my boyfriend's best buddy is scaring me. He started by making comments on my soft skin, then he got bolder, he tells me i am looking good, he asks me how i feel in bed with a man, one day he asked me if my nipples are soft and pink. He is my bf's very best friend and he comes to our house regularly. my bf is very close to him and trusts him completely.

I have started disliking his friend though. he makes all these comments when my bf is not home. he has touched my butt a few times pretending it happened accidentally. I do not like this stuff and i am afraid of him now. he gives me dirty smiles sometimes and makes me very uncomfortable.

his other friends make remarks too sometimes but those are usually funny ones as they are unaware of gay people so they treat me like wife by complimenting me if i cooked some good meal, hosted a cricket match viewing party, allowed them to smoke in our house. but i feel they are not targeting me or something.

but this other friend i feel like he is dirty.

I dont know how to discuss this with my boyfriend. this friend has not attacked me sexually or anything, but i know he is not a good person and i dont want him to come to our house specially when my bf is not home. Slowly by each day i am getting more worried and he is getting bolder and i am very terrified.

My bf had a very bad motor cycle accidental in first year of our relationship when he was in hospital fighting for life his mother and brother did not allow me to enter the hospital and i had to fight very hard for visiting and staying with him in hospital. This particular friend helped me a lot in that troubled time. my bf was unable to walk for sometime and this friend took care of business, taught me to drive, helped me with lots of things. So it is very difficult for me to say anything to my boyfriend.

but he has started making excuses to come whenever my bf is not home. i cant tell anyone about this because i have only one friend which is my boyfriend's sister and she will tell my bf immediately.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'd suggest stop acting like a timid wife, and just talk to your boyfriend. Express your fears, give clear examples and make him understand that you appreciate his relationship with his friend, as well as all the help you've both gotten from him, BUT that this is no excuse for him to be treating you like a potential fuck piece. You are an equal in this relationship, or you should be one, and you should definitely NOT be worried of some guy you're not in relationship with making moves on you. Tell your boyfriend exactly what the guy has done, how he is coming to your place more and more often when you're there alone. If he loves you, he should listen to your fears and do something about it.

 

[gayboy204]

Rolyo85 thank you but i knew this answer thats why i am scared because i dont want to do that this is the hardest solution. what will i tell my boyfriend that his bestest friend has started asking me weird questions? or that he makes sexual remarks? or that his hand accidentally touched my butts? or that he tells me i am attractive? I mean wouldn't my bf think that there is no ground for me to be worried?

I was thinking that i will confront that guy and tell him that i do not like him acting weird with me.

I mean he is not gay he is a straight guy and he is actually engaged to a girl too. So may be it is not sexual and if i act strong may be i can stop him from being a fool. Is this a good solution???

I can't understand what he is doing and why? if he is a bisexual person or want to experiment then why not find some other guy to do it with??? If he is sexually attracted to me why he did not make move when my bf was on bed and i was relying on him to help us. What happened to him that changed him?

Sad part is that this will ruin his friendship with my bf and this will hurt him because they are best friends since childhood.

 

[Thrasher12]

Well...hmm...

Listen I'm slightly disturbed by all of this so I have to ask:

- Is the best friend maybe just making inapropriate remarks, jokes etc. In which case you probably don't have to worry to much.

- In what region do live exactly? Near East, Far East, Central Europe etc ?

But whatever you do you should not confront this guy alone. And as much as you don't like it you should let your bf know what is going on.

 

[USEDCAR]

Threaten to tell his Girlfriend when he makes comments to you.

 

[G-Lexington]

You might just start laying groundwork. Instead of outright accusing this friend about what he's done, just keep your boyfriend abreast on the things he does. "X came over today. He mentioned that my skin looked very smooth, and that I looked really nice today. I thought that was kind of strange. It doesn't sound like something X would normally say." Keep it conversational, the way you might talk about other things. Then if X starts pressing you a bit more, you've already laid the groundwork. Your boyfriend knows that X is saying some things that MIGHT be interpreted as making a move, so if he actually does, he'll be better prepared for it.

Lex

 

[Ephemeral]

Stand your ground and let the best friend know you won't have any of his harassment. And that's what he's doing to you, harassing you.

Tell your boyfriend about this. Best friend or not, if he loves you he'll take your word for it and let the friend know that his behavior needs to stop.

 

[gayboy204]

@Thrasher12: May be he is just inappropriate but i feel that it is not that. it is difficult to describe but i think you all know the looks when someone is looking at you and their eyes are saying i want to see you naked and do bad things with you??? I am from Pakistan.

@G-lexington: I like your advice, i should start casually mentioning this to my bf.

@Usedcar : growing up as an orphan I learned that it is not wise to threaten someone who is acting like this. It could result into something unexpected and terrible.

@Ephemral: I know my bf would be on my side. I just want this guy not to be a fool.

Thank you all for your kind words.

 

[ebluue]

Hmm.. you know just take it as a compliment that he is trying to fuck u.

Next time when he make comments about you, just direct it to his fiance. Like if he says " your skin is so soft and smooth" , say something back to him like " Thanks, I took very good care of myself and your fiance has lovely skin too".

Or if he touches your ass again , say something like "I know i have a cute ass, but please keep those hands to your fiance, i'm sure she'd love that". Or "Geez, you must love touching a guy's ass, i can set you up on a blind date with a cute guy".

If he gives you dirty smiles again, smile at him back, but say something like "Are you thinking dirty thoughts about me? you shouldn't be, your fiance will kill both you and me if she finds out.". Or "You know, my bf gave me that exact same smile when he thinks dirty thoughts about me" You know, keep it light and jokingly, keep reminding him he's got a fiance and that you have a bf.

Since your BF and this "guy" has been besties since childhood, you really don't want to ruin their friendships. I don't think i can live with that. Instead, direct all his energy and interests in you back to his fiance or to someone else. Sooner or later he will get the message and that you're off limit!

 

[ben9651]

I agree with the guys .. TAKE CONTROL and stop being the victim .. you got some great tips

 

[HunterM]

Next time when he make comments about you, just direct it to his fiance. Like if he says " your skin is so soft and smooth" , say something back to him like " Thanks, I took very good care of myself and your fiance has lovely skin too".

Or if he touches your ass again , say something like "I know i have a cute ass, but please keep those hands to your fiance, i'm sure she'd love that". Or "Geez, you must love touching a guy's ass, i can set you up on a blind date with a cute guy".

If he gives you dirty smiles again, smile at him back, but say something like "Are you thinking dirty thoughts about me? you shouldn't be, your fiance will kill both you and me if she finds out.". Or "You know, my bf gave me that exact same smile when he thinks dirty thoughts about me" You know, keep it light and jokingly, keep reminding him he's got a fiance and that you have a bf.

These are really funny!

 

[gayboy204]

There is a new development which is very shocking, and I thought I should share this weird story with my new internet gay friends (you guys are so awesome).

For the sake of clarity I will now refer to my boyfriend's friend as X.

Today X came to pick up my bf while my bf was in the shower. X said "you look happy this morning, did something happen last night" with the same dirty smile. I got serious and told him "Look X I dont like this behavior so stop this!" he was surprised and said "What?? I was just kidding"

I said "Don't!!! I dont like dirty jokes"
He said "it wasn't dirty i am sorry i thought you dont mind" and I said "I do mind and I dont like you making inappropriate jokes so don't do this"

Then my boyfriend came and he asked "don't do what" his friend said "nothing its cool", which angered me and I forgot that I was planning to handle this with care, I said "No it is not cool, you make inappropriate comments and I do not like them, I have asked you not to do this again".

My boyfriend was confused and X was confused too. He said "Ok I will not. I am sorry I offended you" my boyfriend asked whats going on here. This guy he hurried and said that they are getting late and its nothing important. they left.

when my boyfriend came back home during dinner he said "whats going on between you and X. He was upset and when I asked him he said your woman is having her periods, I got angry and I told him that he cant speak about you that way. I think he is acting weird with me since last few months."

and I told my boyfriend whats going on. and my boyfriend told me things that shocked me.

Actually my boyfriend was feeling that for past few months X is trying to spend more and more time with him. and it all started when one night X told my boyfriend that he would have married him if he was gay. My boyfriend laughed and told X that he is too hairy and thickheaded, he told him that he might have fucked him but wouldnt like to have him as his boyfriend. X told my boyfriend that he is very sexy and gay guys find him very sexy and so does girls. my boyfriend laughed and since that night he has started noticing that X is acting differently. He calls him more often visits us more often, some times sleeps on our couch. I think thats the reason he even comes to our house when my boyfriend is not home. I think he just want to be here.

I told my boyfriend that he is making inappropriate comments and gives me suggestive looks and smiles and that I feel that he wants to have sex with me. I also told him that he sometimes comes when he is not home and makes excuses to be here.


Basically now Me and my boyfriend are worried about X. Is he becoming gay?? or was he already gay? Is he trying to have sex with both of us? Or does he want us to help him come out? My boyfriend does not agree that X is becoming gay. He finds it offensive that his straight buddy could probably be gay. He thinks that X is probably having second thoughts about wedding. Since we are the only couple in his close friends circle he wants to see how couples do and that would he be happier if he lived with that girl.

He says "I have grown up with him, I came out to him, we have watched porn together, no he is not gay".

If you know how straight men's world works you would probably also know that my boyfriend will never ever talk X about this. Which means X will keep acting weird. I am relieved that my boyfriend is aware of the problem and that X is really crazy and that he is not sexually aggressive towards me he is just acting out some crazy problems on his own head.

So what do you guys think? Is X gay? or its the wedding thing? Does he need help?

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Sounds like you guys just need to have a threesome and break all that sexual tension.

Seriously, though. You stood up for yourself and embarrassed X's inappropriate behavior. Your boyfriend is now aware of the situation, and both of you are cautious of X. You sound pretty protected at this point. I don't think anything more will happen unless you allow it to.

 

[Rolyo85]

First of all, good job! Things might not have gone the way you were planning them to, but the result is that now everyone is aware that everyone is aware.

Something else though. I don't know which country you're from, and this is a little off-topic, but your entire anxiety regarding this problem is that from the way you talk and what you've said so far, I am under the impression that you are very submissive in this relationship. You seem to be following heterosexual gender stereotypes where you are constantly referred to and treated as "the wife", and obviously in a country where females are not emancipated...

I am also disquieted by your bf being "offended" by the thought of his friend being gay. First of all, people do not "become" gay. They either are, or they aren't. It might take years for them to figure it out, or to get over their fears and denial, but they are born gay or they are not. There is no "becoming". Second, if being gay is "offensive" to him, what must he be thinking about himself? And even worse - about you who have filled the woman's role in his life?

I know different countries have different views, especially outside the Western world. I also know that some times the situations we find ourselves in are such that we could not really rebel, even if we wanted to. But do not forget - you are NOT his "wife". You are not a woman, and especially if you live in a country where women are second class citizens, you should not let yourself be treated as one. That is derogatory, and you do not deserve it, even if you think you're ok with it. If you weren't conditioned to view yourself that way, you would not be that scared to pull an angry macho on X in the first place.

Remember - a relationship is between equals, and relationship problems ALWAYS should come before most anything else.

 

[YourDiscoNeedsYou]

Lay down the law and stop being a pussy. Next time he makes a comment just tell him to shut up.

 

[gayboy204]

@Just Believe18: yes now its back to normal apart from that we are worried about X.

@rolyo85: you are right about me being submissive. The wife part is that since my boyfriend is more muscular, tall and straight acting, his friends and family automatically assume that I am the wife in our relationship. Which is kind of right, I feel very good when I allow him to make all the decisions for me. I am not very intelligent and smart so he can decide things better for me than myself. I agree with you that women are treated as second class citizen in our country. and being treated as woman should make me feel insulted. It does, like when X told my boyfriend that his woman is having her periods he got angry because this was insulting. But when his sister or friends treat me like they would treat their friends wife then it is not insulting. Because honestly these people need gender stereotypes to understand this.

Also other factors contribute to me being treated as wife. Like I do not work, I stay at home, I cook, wash, clean, read, shop. While my boyfriend works full time and he makes very good money.

My boyfriend got offended by the thought of his friend being gay because he would have felt betrayed. I mean here they two growing up together my boyfriend told X that he likes boys when they were teens. X had plenty of time to tell my boyfriend that he is also attracted to men. Now if we discover that X is gay it will hurt my bf. Also If I look at it from his point of view, it is unbelievable for him that his friend might be gay. It is not that being gay is bad but being untruthful to a person who is open to you and doing it for so many years will be very hurtful.

 

[Rolyo85]

People have different fears, different barriers in their minds. It is less easy for some to come out, some times extremely hard even. Your bf coming out to his friend was a gift, not a business transaction. His friend owed him nothing in return but his friendship.

That said, I find it incredibly shocking that you would think you're not smart enough to make your own decisions yourself. Do you have that low self-worth?

 

[gayboy204]

no i think it is practical i know that i have no knowledge of how things work, i am less educated, weak, emotionally fragile so it is best for me to let him decide what is good for me. Because he is stronger, educated, smarter so he knows better than me. Is it bad to be practical, knowing what your weaknesses or strengths are?

 

[Rolyo85]

It's not bad to be practical, but you're not. You are simply accepting that you're less than he is, and you're not. Physical weaknesses and lack of knowledge mean nothing. You can always learn if you want to. And you should NEVER depend on someone else to direct your life. What happens if something breaks you two up? How will you fend for yourself?

 

[gayboy204]

@Rolyo85 I understand what you are trying to say but I am happy.