vater292
Slut
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- Oct 21, 2011
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Hey, I have been hanging around the forum for a while mostly in the story section just reading. Obviously haven’t posted much with my extremely low post count. I have been meaning to post my story leading up to my coming out for awhile. It’s probably going to be a long read, I will reduce it as much as possible.
Up until around when I was 13-14 I grew up pretty sheltered I guess. I didn’t really know what my feelings were towards a friend of mine. I knew I liked him more than I did any other friends. Like I had mentioned I honestly had grew up sheltered I honestly didn’t know why I felt the way I did and what it really meant. After my mom and stepdads divorce my mom started working a lot so I now had open access to the internet, I used my access to the internet to try and understand my feelings towards a friend. My first realization with the term “gay” and what it meant was with porn. I continued searching for more information on what being Gay meant. My searches also lead me to the realization that some people were not accepting and given the fact I had never really heard anything about it from my family and knowing how conservative my home town was the thought of me being gay scared me. I ended up telling myself I cant tell anyone this because of my fear of people not accepting me.
Over the next few years my crush on my friend didn’t go away but it was limited with the fact that I had dropped hints about what his thoughts were on being gay. He was not fond needless to say and this just continued to anchor my fear of coming out. So while I still hung out with him from time to time, I mainly started hanging out with a couple other friends. I started spending a lot of time playing Halo in my friends basement (lets call him Greg). After that summer me and Greg got to be pretty good friends and spent most days together after school. All went pretty well until the end of my senior year then some things started changing again.
My mom had been dating someone for awhile and they were now deciding to move into together. This now meant that he and his two sons would be moving in, all fine if I hadn’t already known his son was a complete tool. He showed this when right after he moved in he decided to go into my room and steal several of my things. After that incident I decided to spend as little time at home as possible and I spent as much time as I could at either Greg’s or someone else’s house. Greg had started seeing a girl and they spent a lot of time together, but Greg honestly always made time to hang out with me. The two of them even tried to set me up with someone but I persuaded them to let it go before a date or anything actually came up.
Everything was okay for the most part until I was about 19, by now I was out of high school and was working full time in a small machine shop throughout the week, working part time at another place on the weekends and school full time in the evening and online at a local community college. So with working so much and pretty much not having time for anything, I didn’t see the storm coming to hit at home. One day I come home to a police officer at the house, her now fiancé arrested (Prior Charges not going into that), mom in tears, one of his sons decided to leave, and the utilities turned off to the house. (Amazing all of this decided to happen in one day)
So over the next month or so I spent my entire savings and sold my car that I had spent two and a half years building, to try and alleviate my mom’s debt and keep a roof over our heads. A couple months after the initial event I find out that my mom’s fiancé is out of prison and she wants to move back in with him. What does this mean? That they are moving an hour and a half to another city and living there, which I can’t really do, my work and my school and my life is here. At this point the house we were in was from month to month and there was no chance of me being able to afford it. I also had no money and was living from pay check to pay check. So with my mom leaving I am broke, and homeless.
For about two weeks I stayed in my car and would occasionally get a hotel room to clean up. One day while getting something to eat before school, I run into Greg. I end up breaking down and spill everything. When I told him my living arrangements he told me that wouldn’t do and told me to skip class and come with him. We ended up going to his house and he talked to his parents talked to his parents and they allowed me to move into his sisters old room. All they asked was I help around the house and get some food whenever I could.
Shortly after living there his sister had a nasty break up and moved back in. One evening while in the kitchen grabbing something to eat I ended up eavesdropping on Greg’s sister and his mom talking. Her financials were worse than she thought and she wasn’t going to be able to move out any time soon. At this point I started feeling even worse, since I was the only non working person in the house (I was laid off a couple weeks prior and was pretty depressed), I had little money. After I heard this I left to go drive around and do some thinking, this lead me to calling my dad which I hadn’t done in a very long time and he had no idea of what had gone on in the last year or so.
After explaining everything that had gone on, he offered help me move in with him and go to school there. Since the semester was almost over I agreed and that night we started planning everything. This move meant changing states and going somewhere completely new and different. For the first few months I was pretty lonely but just stuck with school and going to the gym.
My third semester there I ended up getting an internship at an engineering company and started working full time and going to school. When I wasn’t at work or school I spent a lot of time with my dad playing golf and in doing so we would talk a lot. During these talks he would normally bring up girls and dating and I would normally just try to brush it off and let it go past me. Then one day when he asked me again, it wasn’t about if it was girls, it was if I had ever dated or wanted to date any guys. This caught me off guard and I didn’t really know how to respond, I ended up just crying. After about ten minutes, he asked if I wanted to talk about this at all or just let it go for now. I ended up telling him yes I was gay and that was the end of the conversation for then.
By the time I came out to my dad I was 21 and while he didn’t know how to help me understand more about myself he was able to get me into contact with his girlfriends friends Dan and Karl who were gay. They helped me out a lot with being able to understand who I am as a person and that there is nothing wrong with me, because with my fear of coming out I had created an internalized homophobia. They spent a lot of time showing me that there is nothing wrong with me or who I am and want I want out of my life. When they felt I was ready they took me to clubs just to show me that scene and see if I liked it or not. They also took me to Washington DC and took me to my first strip club, so much fun definitely want to go back. I am extremely grateful to Dan and Karl for helping me to understand who I am and what I want out of life.
The other hurdles I had throughout all of this was I had to tell my mom and Greg. I ended up telling my mom over the phone and she was okay with it no big deal. Honestly telling Greg scared me more than telling my mom. A couple months after I told my dad I ended up going back to my home state to for a visit. One of the nights I ended up going to a bar to hang out with Greg and his sister. I had already told his sister to get her thought on how she thought Greg would react and she thought he would be okay with it and not think anything of it. (I knew she would be fine with my coming out from prior discussions) I decided to tell Greg when he returned from the bathroom, and I was nervous as hell and it obviously showed. Before he even sat down, Greg asked me what was wrong because I was shaking. When he sat down I asked him what he would think if I told him I was gay.
He got this smile on his face and looked at me and his sister then asked if that’s was why I was looking so scared and shaking. When I told him it was he got serious and told me “Dude, you’re my friend, you telling me your gay doesn’t change who you are, you’re still my friend”. I remember those words because hearing him say them, let me know that he really was a real friend and I was glad to know me coming out wasn’t going to change our friendship and it hasn’t even though we are in different states I talked to him all the time and we have both made trips to see each other
Since I came out I have been in one relationship, I use that term loosely, it really came down to he was looking for sex while his boyfriend was at college out of state. When it came time for his boyfriend to come home he told me we needed to stop seeing each other. Kind of a crappy start for my first time, but whatever there are others.
Anyway I think I have rambled long enough. Just kind of wanted to write this all out and if you managed to read all of this thanks!
Up until around when I was 13-14 I grew up pretty sheltered I guess. I didn’t really know what my feelings were towards a friend of mine. I knew I liked him more than I did any other friends. Like I had mentioned I honestly had grew up sheltered I honestly didn’t know why I felt the way I did and what it really meant. After my mom and stepdads divorce my mom started working a lot so I now had open access to the internet, I used my access to the internet to try and understand my feelings towards a friend. My first realization with the term “gay” and what it meant was with porn. I continued searching for more information on what being Gay meant. My searches also lead me to the realization that some people were not accepting and given the fact I had never really heard anything about it from my family and knowing how conservative my home town was the thought of me being gay scared me. I ended up telling myself I cant tell anyone this because of my fear of people not accepting me.
Over the next few years my crush on my friend didn’t go away but it was limited with the fact that I had dropped hints about what his thoughts were on being gay. He was not fond needless to say and this just continued to anchor my fear of coming out. So while I still hung out with him from time to time, I mainly started hanging out with a couple other friends. I started spending a lot of time playing Halo in my friends basement (lets call him Greg). After that summer me and Greg got to be pretty good friends and spent most days together after school. All went pretty well until the end of my senior year then some things started changing again.
My mom had been dating someone for awhile and they were now deciding to move into together. This now meant that he and his two sons would be moving in, all fine if I hadn’t already known his son was a complete tool. He showed this when right after he moved in he decided to go into my room and steal several of my things. After that incident I decided to spend as little time at home as possible and I spent as much time as I could at either Greg’s or someone else’s house. Greg had started seeing a girl and they spent a lot of time together, but Greg honestly always made time to hang out with me. The two of them even tried to set me up with someone but I persuaded them to let it go before a date or anything actually came up.
Everything was okay for the most part until I was about 19, by now I was out of high school and was working full time in a small machine shop throughout the week, working part time at another place on the weekends and school full time in the evening and online at a local community college. So with working so much and pretty much not having time for anything, I didn’t see the storm coming to hit at home. One day I come home to a police officer at the house, her now fiancé arrested (Prior Charges not going into that), mom in tears, one of his sons decided to leave, and the utilities turned off to the house. (Amazing all of this decided to happen in one day)
So over the next month or so I spent my entire savings and sold my car that I had spent two and a half years building, to try and alleviate my mom’s debt and keep a roof over our heads. A couple months after the initial event I find out that my mom’s fiancé is out of prison and she wants to move back in with him. What does this mean? That they are moving an hour and a half to another city and living there, which I can’t really do, my work and my school and my life is here. At this point the house we were in was from month to month and there was no chance of me being able to afford it. I also had no money and was living from pay check to pay check. So with my mom leaving I am broke, and homeless.
For about two weeks I stayed in my car and would occasionally get a hotel room to clean up. One day while getting something to eat before school, I run into Greg. I end up breaking down and spill everything. When I told him my living arrangements he told me that wouldn’t do and told me to skip class and come with him. We ended up going to his house and he talked to his parents talked to his parents and they allowed me to move into his sisters old room. All they asked was I help around the house and get some food whenever I could.
Shortly after living there his sister had a nasty break up and moved back in. One evening while in the kitchen grabbing something to eat I ended up eavesdropping on Greg’s sister and his mom talking. Her financials were worse than she thought and she wasn’t going to be able to move out any time soon. At this point I started feeling even worse, since I was the only non working person in the house (I was laid off a couple weeks prior and was pretty depressed), I had little money. After I heard this I left to go drive around and do some thinking, this lead me to calling my dad which I hadn’t done in a very long time and he had no idea of what had gone on in the last year or so.
After explaining everything that had gone on, he offered help me move in with him and go to school there. Since the semester was almost over I agreed and that night we started planning everything. This move meant changing states and going somewhere completely new and different. For the first few months I was pretty lonely but just stuck with school and going to the gym.
My third semester there I ended up getting an internship at an engineering company and started working full time and going to school. When I wasn’t at work or school I spent a lot of time with my dad playing golf and in doing so we would talk a lot. During these talks he would normally bring up girls and dating and I would normally just try to brush it off and let it go past me. Then one day when he asked me again, it wasn’t about if it was girls, it was if I had ever dated or wanted to date any guys. This caught me off guard and I didn’t really know how to respond, I ended up just crying. After about ten minutes, he asked if I wanted to talk about this at all or just let it go for now. I ended up telling him yes I was gay and that was the end of the conversation for then.
By the time I came out to my dad I was 21 and while he didn’t know how to help me understand more about myself he was able to get me into contact with his girlfriends friends Dan and Karl who were gay. They helped me out a lot with being able to understand who I am as a person and that there is nothing wrong with me, because with my fear of coming out I had created an internalized homophobia. They spent a lot of time showing me that there is nothing wrong with me or who I am and want I want out of my life. When they felt I was ready they took me to clubs just to show me that scene and see if I liked it or not. They also took me to Washington DC and took me to my first strip club, so much fun definitely want to go back. I am extremely grateful to Dan and Karl for helping me to understand who I am and what I want out of life.
The other hurdles I had throughout all of this was I had to tell my mom and Greg. I ended up telling my mom over the phone and she was okay with it no big deal. Honestly telling Greg scared me more than telling my mom. A couple months after I told my dad I ended up going back to my home state to for a visit. One of the nights I ended up going to a bar to hang out with Greg and his sister. I had already told his sister to get her thought on how she thought Greg would react and she thought he would be okay with it and not think anything of it. (I knew she would be fine with my coming out from prior discussions) I decided to tell Greg when he returned from the bathroom, and I was nervous as hell and it obviously showed. Before he even sat down, Greg asked me what was wrong because I was shaking. When he sat down I asked him what he would think if I told him I was gay.
He got this smile on his face and looked at me and his sister then asked if that’s was why I was looking so scared and shaking. When I told him it was he got serious and told me “Dude, you’re my friend, you telling me your gay doesn’t change who you are, you’re still my friend”. I remember those words because hearing him say them, let me know that he really was a real friend and I was glad to know me coming out wasn’t going to change our friendship and it hasn’t even though we are in different states I talked to him all the time and we have both made trips to see each other
Since I came out I have been in one relationship, I use that term loosely, it really came down to he was looking for sex while his boyfriend was at college out of state. When it came time for his boyfriend to come home he told me we needed to stop seeing each other. Kind of a crappy start for my first time, but whatever there are others.
Anyway I think I have rambled long enough. Just kind of wanted to write this all out and if you managed to read all of this thanks!
-----It was really hard to write for many reasons, but I am glad I was at least able to write everything down. While it all didnt make it into the post, I have at least gotten it out. 
