My confusing life story

[FootBoy]

Hey guys. I just wanted to spill my guts here. I am not sure what I am seeking in response, but I guess I just want to be told I am not the only one like this.

Ok so I know I have had a foot fetish from when I was young. I am repulsed by women's feet, but love men's feet and fanticised about male feet through my life.

Then comes the idea that, I am not sure if I am gay or bi. I don't find girls that great. The furthest I have gone with a girl is sucking her tits, but I had a raging boner with precum, but I am really not that excited to have sex with a girl. I do think I will try it when the opportunity arises.

I have sucked my friends dick, deep throated it and swallowed his cum, but I felt so guilty after it, and never spoke to him again (wtf is with that, he was one of my best friends)

But now I see myself at 18 and a half, and at university, where I find myself looking at guys majority of the time. The only time I find a girl sexy is if she is my perfect type, or something spectacular.

I feel I have such impossibly high standards. I was fat and pimply. (Lost 20kgs and am pretty average now). I don't think I am a great looking person, but I know people love me for my personality. I feel as if my standards are too high for the person I am (Like if I was a very attractive person).

I physically do not get turned on by feminine boys. Id say I am neither, probably more on the masculine side, and lately, going through YouTube and such, it is so rare to see a gay couple without a very feminine guy. This kind of worries me because I have such a niche criteria (not the right word I know)
a) semi good looking (It is shallow I know but what can I do about it)
b) good personality (the biggest factor to me)
c) not a fem boy
d) has to be into me, that with the other 3 points would be very rare.

I feel so weird about this because I know there could be more opportunities if I came out as bi. I think I am about 80% into guys, 20% into girls. I do not want to come out as gay and be pigeon holed into being only into men. So it goes both ways. If I did, there couldbe more opportunities, but it seems unnecessary coming out as bi unless I found a male love interest, but in doing so I may cripple my chances of ever being with a girl.

I feel as if people will think I am a real asshole for mentioning these points, but I really cannot help what I am attracted to. I wish my standards were lower and I could be so open about it but I am just going through a confusing time.

OKKKKKKK. So I know how scattered that was. That is just what is playing on my mind and I tried to sequence it in some form. I just felt I had to get it off my chest.
What the hell is wrong with me?

 

[Brian Smith]

Sounds amazingly typical, actually. Just so you know, your whole story adds up to a fairly common progression of how a healthy, red-blooded queer might behave.

First of all, I think you are looking for the "bear" subculture. There are a lot of gay guys who aren't into fems. It's not something immature like "oh, we're going to be masculine gay people like that makes us so much better." I really hope that the bear culture in your neck of the woods is more enlightened than that. Mostly, they're just people like you. Look them up. I've known some who were amazing people.

As far as feeling ashamed after blowing your friend, you have to understand that your society had not given you any context for understanding yourself. You knew what your impulse was, but you had taken a step in your relationship with your friend where he stopped being "just a friend." On one hand, nobody had bothered to teach you the answer to the question, "so now what?" Even if you had known how to answer that question, you would have been afraid of it.

On your body image, work on that. Your psychology interacts with your physical appearance: believe it or not, but depression and anxiety can affect acne, dandruff, and all kinds of things that you usually see as just physiological. It affects not just your weight but the distribution of fat on your body. Look, before I started to beat my depression, I looked like a blob and had literally no ass at any weight. It might sound weird, but a more positive self-concept can actually give you an ass.

As for the foot fetish, yeah, that can be kind of cute, actually. Take advantage of it. Let it add to your charm.

Finally, YES, you are gay. It's really quite common for gay men to have some things they like in a woman's body. In fact, straight guys would probably admit that there are some masculine traits that turn them on, but they're not going to admit it. The settings on our sexual orientation are not absolute. They're not supposed to be.

 

[loveguys72]

You don't sound confused at all, you sound like you're questioning and exploring your sexuality, which is perfectly normal. The important thing is, you don't need to label yourself as anything. Live your life, love whomever you choose, and be happy. If you find a guy whom you like, great! If you find a girl you like, great! As far as the foot fixation goes, foot massage can be very erotic and make for excellent foreplay. Have fun with it.

Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

You're horny and over thinking. I think it's quite common especially for guys who do not have a high opinion regarding their looks. The first thing I'd do is contact the former friend and apologize for dropping him. By doing the right thing you'll improve your self esteem. Secondly, I'd start exploring. You deserve to have a sex life.

 

[ryon18]

Stories are so similar...

 

[FootBoy]

Apologizing him would be sensible but he is dating my ex best friend (girl), and he ruined my friendship with her (she doesn't know about the BJ), so as far as I am concerned he can go beep himself. He did have a crazy hot fat cock though

I do have a pretty low opinion of my looks. I think I am decent looking face wise, but I have such a horribly proportioned upper half. Fat seems to store in my mantits and stomach/love handles and I have some form of gynecomastia with large aerolas. Then there is the fact I had back acne and still have scars and pimples at times. That is what is stopping me. I cannot imagine someone being totally fine with that. But my legs are really toned and I have great muscly calves (I gotta be happy with one body part ;/). It sucks cos no matter how positive I try to be its hard not to compare myself to hot guys. :S

 

[Brian Smith]

I do have a pretty low opinion of my looks. I think I am decent looking face wise, but I have such a horribly proportioned upper half. Fat seems to store in my mantits and stomach/love handles and I have some form of gynecomastia with large aerolas. Then there is the fact I had back acne and still have scars and pimples at times. That is what is stopping me. I cannot imagine someone being totally fine with that. But my legs are really toned and I have great muscly calves (I gotta be happy with one body part ;/). It sucks cos no matter how positive I try to be its hard not to compare myself to hot guys. :S

Well, you have to be aware of the feedback loop. When you keep up the unrelenting negativity, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You end up not taking very good care of yourself, it fucks up your posture, you have less of a gloss to your skin tone and often horrendous acne, your hair even starts thinning, and there is no end to the list of ways that negativity about yourself can fuck up your appearance. The feedback loop is real and visible.

So it starts with a realistic assessment of yourself. "Realistic" is a double-edged sword. That means it cuts BOTH ways. Stop yourself, right now, from exaggerating your defects. Stop exaggerating the importance of your defects. Think about it from the perspective of other people: is a decent, rational person going to cast judgment on you for having "man-tits"? Do you go around casting judgment on others who have that defect? Do you sit on a bench watching people go by, so you can take note of all of those sinners who walk by who have man-boobies outside the acceptable range?

Since I don't see any Man-Tit Gestapo running around with measuring tape, I think it's a safe bet that this is a forgivable defect. Once you have accepted that, you have to hold yourself to it. Anytime you find yourself seeing more there than is actually there, snap your fingers in front of your face. Find something to distract yourself with. Discipline yourself to abide by a promise to yourself to avoid inflating your defects or the importance of them. It's not about "tricking yourself," but it's about talking yourself out of tricking yourself in a way that hurts you.

Once you have started yourself down the path of being realistic about yourself instead of self-deprecating, I can guarantee that this would improve your state-of-mind, and I can also guarantee that you would eventually start to see this improvement in your state-of-mind reflected in your physical appearance. It might sound unbelievable, but you will find out that your body advertises stress. However, it also advertises self-confidence. Your back is more erect. Your eyes have more of a sparkle in them. It shows up in your skin as a subtle glow. There are actual physical changes in your body in response to your state-of-mind. The causation is direct. When you start to see it, you will find it easier to be kinder toward yourself.

But various kinds of dysmorphia, which is a term for a preoccupation with perceived defects in your appearance, is a common problem for gay men. Just so you know, it's normal. It shows that you are a healthy, red-blooded gay man with the same list of perfectly manageable problems that gay men your age everywhere have. The bottom-line is that you wanted to know if your problems are normal ones, and I can verify unequivocally and with complete honesty that they are. Not only that, but you can overcome a large part of those problems.

 

[Durango95]

Ok footboy, you sound perfectly normal to me. I don't understand the bi thing at all. I have had sex with women but it has been long long long ago. I don't do women now and pretty much find them repulsive. I don't associate with women in any intimate social way. I mean they are on Earth. I can't help that. If there was another place to go without them I probably would.

Foot fetishes and those that have them have always fascinated me. What is it about a foot that is sexually arousing? Can you make me understand that?

I had a boyfriend years ago that had a shoe fetish...ladies shoes. He was a sort of big gym rat kinda guy like me. He would buy these enormous women's shoes and prance around the house in them. It was a scream.

The only thing I can think about the blowing your bud's cock and then ditching him, is that you are trying to protect yourself from the gay label. Personally I don't like the label...gay....myself. I think it is stupid, frankly. I'd rather be called a cocksucker than gay. I use the term because it is the only term most people know. I think we need to come up with something better.

I used to throw people over too years ago. I would caution you it isn't a practice I'd advocate to anyone. I know everyone must travel their own road. I will just say this using friendship as a stepping stone to get into a guy's pants isn't very productive in a long-term way, I mean. You get a reputation....not a very good one.

Ok now the "standards" issue. Everyone has a type to one degree or another. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. I am 6 feet tall. I just cannot bring myself to date a guy under my height. It is silly but it is true. I actually prefer blondes but most of my BFs have been dark haired. Go figure. I will say this you probably aren't going to get more than you give, well unless you have tons of cash. Even then you are giving something commensurate. It just isn't you per se, but a substitute.

 

[FootBoy]

@Brian, like I mentioned, I have lost weight so I am not so sef depreciating. I am kinda blaming this on my stress levels at the moment. Going through the start of university has made me break out with bad skin (not sever acne though), and I haven't been to active or healthy. I haven't put weight on, but it still damages how I look at myself combined with that stress. I am slowly easing into it though and that stress is going away.

@Durango, I don't think I could explain why I love feet. I like real nice clean feet. I don't understand why people like dirty,or feet that aren't too well looked after. It is like asking you what you find attractive about whatever you like. It IS harder than I thought to try and explain it
You hit the nail on the head with "The only thing I can think about the blowing your bud's cock and then ditching him, is that you are trying to protect yourself from the gay label. " though I think but we both called each other bi. He IS bi, but me, Iam not sure
Like I said its like 80% into guys. I do not masturbate over girls unless its like a girl who happens to be in between two guys, and my type of girl is just so particular I doubt I will find that ever.