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my current situation with a "straight" friend.

D

davey219

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ok this is gonna be a long post. but it's an interesting situation(i think) and it's never happened to me before so i would appreciate input. thanks in advance.

the short of it is that i'm friends with a guy who claims to be straight but i'm 99% sure is gay. and of course i'm only really interested in this information because i'm interested in him. at the end of the day your sexuality is your business i don't go around dragging people out of the closet. but...there's just too much adding up to make me feel like he's anything other than gay. i don't want to be stereotypical but my gaydar goes off on so many things about him. the way he walks, talks, etc. he even related a story to me before about how he was plagued by gay rumors in high school after another student accused him of trying to kiss him. supposedly this other student was jealous of him and was into the girlfriend my friend had at the time. but instead of fighting the accusations(which i feel someone would do if it weren't true), he left the school.

but here's the real reason i'm posting. i've noticed that for most of his "online life", he's used the same handle. so one day i just decided to plug it into google out of curiosity. and the same name he uses for basic things also was a profile name for numerous gay personal/tube sites. and yeah that could be a coincidence but these profiles had his exact birthday, hometown, etc. so i was wondering if there was a way to bring this up without ruining our friendship.

i know he's in a rough spot personally. he's a young man and still living with his parents. and they are HARDCORE bible thumpers. he's even dating a girl and it would APPEAR they are serious. and i really feel like with all the very public gay accusations of his past, he's almost over compensating trying to be straight to his family and friends. we live in the south and i know for a fact he'd sadly lose a lot of friends and at least the support of his father IF he happened to be gay and his father knew about this. maybe he'll be comfortable with himself in time if my hunch is correct. but he's a great guy and yeah i'm interested in him and i was wondering if there was anyway i could present all this information to him somehow in a friendly, nonconfrontational way?
 
While it sounds nice in theory, I think there's too much that would backfire. He may get too angry, especially with you. I know it's tempting, but I'd probably avoid saying anything. But on the other hand, I'd want him to be happy and bring it to his attention.
 
Based on what you have posted I think it's reasonable to assume he's gay/bi/curious or something, but I can't help but wonder why you feel the need to confront your friend about his sexuality. I understand that you are interested in him, but I'm thinking there has to be more to it than that. I'm wondering WHY he needs to know that you know about his secret. Are you out to him? If so, you can talk a little about your life and maybe (if you do it right) create a safe haven for him to discuss this aspect of his life. If you're not out to him then I REALLY question your motives for wanting to do this. Another thing is he has a girlfriend. I know you say they APPEAR to be happy, but it could be that she's genuinely happy and maybe he's trying to be happy for her or maybe he's just usng her to help keep his cover, but whatever the case it's a relationship and one he CHOOSES to stay in.

I hope you respond if nothing more than to clarify what your motives are because based on this letter (or my misinterpretation of it) it seems you want to expose this friend's secret for your own benefit.
 
Even if he is gay, what makes you think he is interested in you
 
Assuming you're 'out' to him, and he's comfortable and relaxed around you, I'd have thought he'd already have broached the subject if he was gay, However, as you're in the US, I can understand why (if someone has decided on which course their life should take) they would remain closeted even to those whom they know they can trust. Whilst it's admirable that you want him to know that there IS another way of life, a better and happier life as a gay man, it may just be that he WANTS to have the wife and kids.

IF he is gay, he also may not be ready to deal with that part of himself at the moment. As a friend, the best thing that you can do, is re-affirm your friendship, show him how great your life is as an openly gay man, and wait for him to open up to you - if that time comes. It's a bit like thinking as a parent and accepting that you can't live your child's life for them, simply be there when they need your help and advice, and love them unconditionally.
 
Hey guys sorry it's been a few days but i've been busy. Had some time to organize my thoughts about the issue and can elaborate a bit better i think with the help and questions you guys have shot my way.

Well, first off...yes i'm out to him. on more than one occasion, he's asked me about my sexuality in greater detail. almost to the point where i felt like he was starting to refer to himself. has that ever happened to anyone?

anyways, we're also in the south so i know how hard it would be in his current lifestyle for him to be out. with as much as i know, i would NEVER just go and call him on the few extra things i think i know that he isn't aware of. IE the website memberships and whatnot. we're still young guys. he's younger than me and i feel like calling him on some stuff might either scare him further back in the closet, or cause him to pull one of those "whatever people say i am, that's what i'm not" type things.

and i'm not really bringing any of this up because i assume he'd be interested in me if he were gay and out. i just remember how hard it was for me, and i KNOW that if my hunch is correct, it's 10 times harder for him. i just think he's an amazing guy and anyone worth a damn wouldn't kick him out of their lives over his sexuality. but yeah, i understand that's his decision to make.

in the end, as much as it might suck, if what he's getting out of his life IN the closet makes him happier than he thinks he would be out of it, it's not my place to change that :(
 
You can't force any info out of him he's not ready to give.
He may not even really know what he is yet. Look around these boards/threads.
There are TONS of guys here who aren't sure what they are yet, or willing to admit to themselves what it is they like/want/are.

I think the best thing you can do is just be open and honest about yourself, and if he feels comfortable enough with you he will eventually do the same in return. Lead by example.
 
Like someone said, maybe he actually does want the wife, the kids, the traditional American dream. And he uses the online outlets to explore that other side of him that is curious about/interested in homosexuality. But maybe that alone is enough for him and that's where it stops. Don't be selfish about it and bring it up, hoping to get a response you'd favor. You say you "want him to know there is a better way of living life as a gay man" But you also admitted that the only reason you REALLY care about his sexuality is because you're interested in him. So like I said, don't be selfish. There are plenty of beautiful, openly gay guys out there for you.
 
borg69unimatrix said:
You can't force any info out of him he's not ready to give.
He may not even really know what he is yet. Look around these boards/threads.
There are TONS of guys here who aren't sure what they are yet, or willing to admit to themselves what it is they like/want/are.

I think the best thing you can do is just be open and honest about yourself, and if he feels comfortable enough with you he will eventually do the same in return. Lead by example.
Click to expand...

yeah i've come to that conclusion myself recently. when we hang out one on one, it's come up more than once. at least him asking me questions. and to be honest, i'd want to be his friend and would want him in my life in that capacity if he is never out than having him blow up his life just to be "real". i'm trying to make the point that i'm there for him, but have made the decision to also not push.
 
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