Adam2299
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Hey everyone! First of all, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate a website like this. I'm on here all the time and figured I would share my coming out story for anyone who cares to read. If this gives one person out there any sense of hope then my goal will be achieved. This story is kind of depressing, but it has a happy ending, I promise 
I'm 21 now, but when I was 18 and a senior in high school, I was incredibly suicidal. My suicidal thoughts progressed from the time I figured out I was gay at age 13. By the time I was 18, I was completely lost. I had absolutely no sense of myself. I played football and soccer even though I hated sports. I just played to please my father, who would always come to my games and cheer me on. I dated girls, had sex with girls, talked about girls to my friends.... I was living a lie... a life of someone I wanted to be. I had no sense of who I was b/c I couldn't even stand to acknowledge myself as a gay person. By the end of high school it got to be too much. I truly felt like I would never be happy in this world and started having dangerously intense suicidal thoughts.
When I was 18, I started cutting myself... a lot. I would cut all over my upper thighs every time I took a shower. It's the only thing that I could do to let go of all the pain (I know it seems hard to understand, but that's how I felt at the time). I would come downstairs for dinner and smile and pretend like everything was fine. My parents and 2 little sisters had no idea how depressed I was. My dad and I would always go shoot hoops outside after dinner every night. He was always so great to me. I knew he loved me unconditionally, but for some reason that made me want to hide my sexuality even more from him. More than anyone else, I didn't want him of all people to be ashamed of his only son. He's done so much for me, and the last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him.
Eventually my depression began to show as I got even more suicidal throughout the year. I couldn't focus on anything. I quit the soccer team, much to EVERYONE'S shock. I had no words for anyone. I was living in a fog. Lecture after lecture, both of my parents continued to voice their concern. All I could see was their lips moving, but I couldn't hear their words. I was literally drowning in my depression and seriously thinking about suicide. My parents knew something was wrong; I didn't even have the energy to hide it any longer. One night my little sister told my parents she saw me carry a knife upstairs and she didn't know why. (I would sometimes cut myself with sharp knives... ugh). Well, apparently that was the straw that broke the camel's back, and my dad totally lost it. He wasn't stupid, he knew what I was doing...
So I'm sitting on my bathroom floor holding the knife in my hand when all of a sudden my dad starts knocking on the door. I tell him I'm about to take a shower and ask him to come back later. But he literally starts pouding on the door and demands I open it. I quickly throw the knife in the closet and open the door. He grabs me by the shoulders and asks me where the knife is, to which I say "what are you talking about?" He slams the door shut and looks at me and asks me again. I can see his eyes tearing up, but I still tell him I don't know what he's talking about. In response, he lets go of my shoulders and tells me to take my clothes off. I ask him why, and he says he's my dad and has a right to know what his son is doing to his body...
I told him to please leave, but he wouldn't. I was so scared, I started shaking. I had never seen my father like this before. He kept demanding I take my clothes off so eventually I just gave in. Down to my boxers, and no cuts, no scars. But my dad insisted I take those off too. And that was probably the lowest point of my entire life... Standing there naked, crying, my father staring at my scars in pure shock. Then he told me to get dressed and pack my bags, but he wouldn't tell me why. SO I packed a bag and got in the car with him... said goodbye to my mom and sisters (who were all crying as well), and we drove for about an hour in silence. We go to a random hotel and get a room. That night we both were lying in bed, when my dad said, "Adam, we're not leaving this hotel until you tell me why you're depressed. We'll stay here as long as it takes."
That night I didn't sleep a wink. I was actually considering coming out to my father. I had never even CONSIDERED doing this, for fear he would reject me. I was instead thinking of a lie to tell him. What's another good excuse for being depressed? I thought about lots of them, but I couldn't bring myself to lie to my dad.... I was truly in a predicament.... The next day we went hiking. We went out to lunch, then to a movie, then dinner. All in silence. We woke up the next day walked around and explored the random town we were in. He knew I was scared to tell him whatever was bothering me, but he wouldn't back down. I knew what I was going to have to do.....
That night we both sat in our beds and watched TV. After a while he turned off the TV and started reading, and I simply sat there. I started sweating. I started shaking. I had never been so scared in my entire life. After about an hour, I looked over at him and he was staring at me... apparently he noticed how nervous I was. But he said, "Buddy, whatever's going on, you know you can tell me, right?" I just nodded. Then about 20 minutes later, like a bolt of lightning, I just MADE myself do it. I MADE myself say, "Dad, I'm gay." And with those simple words, my life finally began.
My dad was even more supportive than I could ever dream he could be. He told me his one and only hope in life was for me to be happy, and I should start being true to myself now if I was ever going to find happiness in this world. It's like he was reading my mind. It was such an out of body experience... just sitting there in that hotel room.... my dad telling me how much he loved me after I told him I was gay... it was like all these years of depression, guilt, and self-loathing had suddenly been lifted. If this wonderful, kind, successful, intelligent man loved ME, then why couldn't I love myself??
After that night my thinking totally changed. My depression was literally gone. Perhaps it could've been cured with therapy or medication, but I truly feel that my personal depression was healed through love. All I needed was someone to love me... the REAL me, and everything seemed to fall into place. For anyone who is suicidal or depressed about being gay, please remember that you are loved by someone who would miss you a lot if you were gone.
-Adam
I'm 21 now, but when I was 18 and a senior in high school, I was incredibly suicidal. My suicidal thoughts progressed from the time I figured out I was gay at age 13. By the time I was 18, I was completely lost. I had absolutely no sense of myself. I played football and soccer even though I hated sports. I just played to please my father, who would always come to my games and cheer me on. I dated girls, had sex with girls, talked about girls to my friends.... I was living a lie... a life of someone I wanted to be. I had no sense of who I was b/c I couldn't even stand to acknowledge myself as a gay person. By the end of high school it got to be too much. I truly felt like I would never be happy in this world and started having dangerously intense suicidal thoughts.
When I was 18, I started cutting myself... a lot. I would cut all over my upper thighs every time I took a shower. It's the only thing that I could do to let go of all the pain (I know it seems hard to understand, but that's how I felt at the time). I would come downstairs for dinner and smile and pretend like everything was fine. My parents and 2 little sisters had no idea how depressed I was. My dad and I would always go shoot hoops outside after dinner every night. He was always so great to me. I knew he loved me unconditionally, but for some reason that made me want to hide my sexuality even more from him. More than anyone else, I didn't want him of all people to be ashamed of his only son. He's done so much for me, and the last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him.
Eventually my depression began to show as I got even more suicidal throughout the year. I couldn't focus on anything. I quit the soccer team, much to EVERYONE'S shock. I had no words for anyone. I was living in a fog. Lecture after lecture, both of my parents continued to voice their concern. All I could see was their lips moving, but I couldn't hear their words. I was literally drowning in my depression and seriously thinking about suicide. My parents knew something was wrong; I didn't even have the energy to hide it any longer. One night my little sister told my parents she saw me carry a knife upstairs and she didn't know why. (I would sometimes cut myself with sharp knives... ugh). Well, apparently that was the straw that broke the camel's back, and my dad totally lost it. He wasn't stupid, he knew what I was doing...
So I'm sitting on my bathroom floor holding the knife in my hand when all of a sudden my dad starts knocking on the door. I tell him I'm about to take a shower and ask him to come back later. But he literally starts pouding on the door and demands I open it. I quickly throw the knife in the closet and open the door. He grabs me by the shoulders and asks me where the knife is, to which I say "what are you talking about?" He slams the door shut and looks at me and asks me again. I can see his eyes tearing up, but I still tell him I don't know what he's talking about. In response, he lets go of my shoulders and tells me to take my clothes off. I ask him why, and he says he's my dad and has a right to know what his son is doing to his body...
I told him to please leave, but he wouldn't. I was so scared, I started shaking. I had never seen my father like this before. He kept demanding I take my clothes off so eventually I just gave in. Down to my boxers, and no cuts, no scars. But my dad insisted I take those off too. And that was probably the lowest point of my entire life... Standing there naked, crying, my father staring at my scars in pure shock. Then he told me to get dressed and pack my bags, but he wouldn't tell me why. SO I packed a bag and got in the car with him... said goodbye to my mom and sisters (who were all crying as well), and we drove for about an hour in silence. We go to a random hotel and get a room. That night we both were lying in bed, when my dad said, "Adam, we're not leaving this hotel until you tell me why you're depressed. We'll stay here as long as it takes."
That night I didn't sleep a wink. I was actually considering coming out to my father. I had never even CONSIDERED doing this, for fear he would reject me. I was instead thinking of a lie to tell him. What's another good excuse for being depressed? I thought about lots of them, but I couldn't bring myself to lie to my dad.... I was truly in a predicament.... The next day we went hiking. We went out to lunch, then to a movie, then dinner. All in silence. We woke up the next day walked around and explored the random town we were in. He knew I was scared to tell him whatever was bothering me, but he wouldn't back down. I knew what I was going to have to do.....
That night we both sat in our beds and watched TV. After a while he turned off the TV and started reading, and I simply sat there. I started sweating. I started shaking. I had never been so scared in my entire life. After about an hour, I looked over at him and he was staring at me... apparently he noticed how nervous I was. But he said, "Buddy, whatever's going on, you know you can tell me, right?" I just nodded. Then about 20 minutes later, like a bolt of lightning, I just MADE myself do it. I MADE myself say, "Dad, I'm gay." And with those simple words, my life finally began.
My dad was even more supportive than I could ever dream he could be. He told me his one and only hope in life was for me to be happy, and I should start being true to myself now if I was ever going to find happiness in this world. It's like he was reading my mind. It was such an out of body experience... just sitting there in that hotel room.... my dad telling me how much he loved me after I told him I was gay... it was like all these years of depression, guilt, and self-loathing had suddenly been lifted. If this wonderful, kind, successful, intelligent man loved ME, then why couldn't I love myself??
After that night my thinking totally changed. My depression was literally gone. Perhaps it could've been cured with therapy or medication, but I truly feel that my personal depression was healed through love. All I needed was someone to love me... the REAL me, and everything seemed to fall into place. For anyone who is suicidal or depressed about being gay, please remember that you are loved by someone who would miss you a lot if you were gone.
-Adam
