My Date Rejected Me At First Glance: What to Do?

[_AJ_]

My own profile picture on Facebook had purposefully omitted my ears entirely due to my distaste for its appearances (which also created my phobia of having my picture taken), so he did not know I had microtia. When we first met, I could immediately tell he was both surprised and disgusted by them as I have seen the same uncomfortable reaction in so many other people. He instantly grew quiet and impersonal as if we were having a business meeting rather than a date. Disheartened but unwilling to give up, I attempted to be as friendly and outgoing as possible to make him open up. We played the movie on my TV and we sat together on the futon as I attempted numerous times to have a conversation with him. I asked what he liked to do for fun, how his finals were going and what he planned to for winter break. His answers were short and monosymbolic. He oftened made his face into a stone mask and he often avoided eye contact. For those who had watched PoC 2, it is a rather long movie; we sat there for an uncomfortable 2 and half hours as I desperately tried to make him open up to me. But he was an impenetrable oyster.

As soon as the movie ended, he sprang up and said that he was tired and he needed to get some sleep (it was only 8pm at night....). I offered to walk him back to his dorm but he hastily declined.

since almost everyone here has condemned this person i think there are a couple of things that need to be said which havent really been

1 you probably should have told him beforehand about your ears it would have been awkward for him so straight away hes on the back foot
if it was me i would be thinking do i say anything
do i avoid the subject
do i try not to look

did you guy do anything before the movie dinner or anything where you could actually chat becuase from what youve wrote it seems that he dident really get a chance to know you and trying to talk during a movie dosent work at all for me so maybe he was trying to watch the movie and he was wondering why you kept talking during the movie

so have you talked to him since? have you tried? maybe you should try and get answers from him as he is the only one you can get them from

maybe he was tired maybe he had to get up early the next day or maybe he thought you guys dident click
or maybe he was just awkward i mean you guys just met iam shy and am always awkward around people

maybe he liked you but got scared of what might happen

there are a million possibilities

but you need to talk to him not us

 

[yuty]

Thanks everyone very much for the advice. I'm gonna try to contact him again so maybe we can head to Rockafeller Center together or with friends in NYC.

I hope I can particularly with how busy it is for finals...

 

[spooger]

A very dear friend has a son with a certain congenital defect which includes microtia along with other head and neck challenges, including his speech and breathing. He is now early 20something.

All his life he has had great friends, but it has been difficult for him to form that "special" relationship (he IS straight) because most young girls find it difficult to "see" beyond his appearance. He is otherwise a great guy - a little lazy and sloppy, but most teenagers and 20somethings are.

Anyway, I know how akward it is for people when they first meet or see someone with a visible "difference". We all have an image of our perfect partner just waiting for us....if we can just FIND him (or her).

Your guest was probably very surprised by your appearance, and incapable of responding appropriately. WE know that one's appearance is not indicative of the "real" person, but it's difficult to get beyond the physical appearances until there is common ground on which to build a friendship.

IMHO, you also broke a cardinal rule of meeting new people with whom you may have future "personal" intentions......always meet FIRST IN A PUBLIC PLACE. That's not JUST for safety, but to allow both of you a polite exit. It's difficult to gracefully exit after you have accepted an invitation into someone's home for an activity.

If you are interested in discovering whether there is a possibility for friendship or more, you should contact him and discuss the elephant in the room and invite him (as others have also indicated) for coffee, lunch, theater movie, etc. It may take some time for him to "see" beyond your appearance and discover the genuinely wonderful person you may be.

Don't be too quick to condem his behavior. How would you react to a personal invitation to date and then discover that your new beau had some "objectionable" or unexpected appearance.

From your posting, you obviously are self concious of your appearance - perhaps rightly so, I don't know - so how do you expect others to respond? I don't suggest that you advertise your microtia, but you can't just ignore it when a new acquaintance is obviously uncomfortable....especially if you have hopes of more than a casual relationship.

If you don't change our own behavior and "help" those whom you wish to be friends to see beyond your surface, then you will repeat this experience many times before you find the person who already has the maturity and social experience to disregard your mcrotia.

Sorry for the long-winded response. I wish you well.....

 

[JackFTwist]

A lot of good things have been said by many people.

My only comment is that if anyone talks to me during a movie, they will never see me again. As soilwork says, we all have dealbreakers and damn that is one for me.

The other part of me also suggests that I attempt to set him up on a date with a better match than me; a person in his league in other words. After all he was kind enough to sit with me for three hours even though he didn't like me.

No. No. No. If you want to give him credit for being kind ok, maybe he was. But that is it. A simple thank you takes care of that. Fixing him up with someone "in his league" who is "a better match than" you? Respect yourself. And find the way to value yourself. You are hot - someone picked you out on facebook - that makes you a better match than me, maybe many of us! You are out of my league, that's for sure.

And that doesn't begin to take in all of your great qualities that believing in yourself would support.

 

[shea]

Yuty, he sounds really shallow forget him, he dosen't
deserve you. Find somebody that does.
It is his loss not yours.
Shea

 

[arieliam]

Man, if he was that shallow, you would do better without him. Soul + character outdoes Looks + ego anyday in my book man. And never, ever let me hear you feel that you deserve to be dumped again..... Smile man, it does make the insanity we are sometimes faced with easier to swallow.

 

[irish1]

NO ONE is out of your league; you are a spectacular guy.

Your date didn't work out. Consider him one of the "frogs" you have to kiss before you meet your prince.

Study hard, do well on your exams, and you will find the right guy when you least expect it.

 

[ronboy]

Yuty, the bottom line is that it is HIS loss, definitely not yours. You will move beyond this (if you already haven't)

 

[Snickers52]

IMO, the answer is very simple. If this person is as shallow as he sounds you're obviously much better off without his association. Move on to someone better. It shouldn't be that hard from what I've read.

 

[jamie_01930]

let's face something here. You were not truthful. you had the photo taken so that you ears didn't stick out.

I learned way back when that the truth is the best way to go. It can never come back and bite you in the ass.

 

[tommyj]

So did u get ahold of him Yuty?

 

[NickCole]

You don't know why he reacted the way he did and it really doesn't matter. Sometimes it's a match and sometimes it's not.

This is really about you, not him. You have a big problem and you think it's your ears but the truth is your biggest problem is not your ears, it's how you've defined yourself because of your ears.

You seem to believe the way you feel about your ears and about yourself is the only way to feel given the way your ears look. But you're wrong. You feel that way because you've let yourself feel that way.

Objectively speaking, nobody is in a league above you because of your ears. That's absolutely ridiculous but you've convinced yourself it's reasonable and that you have to bear the burden of it. Anybody who actually thinks they're better than you because of the way your ears look has a very disordered sense of priority. I'm not saying some people don't think that way but you're making a big mistake if you let THEM define your self-image. And you are doing yourself a big disservice by letting this self-destructive way of thinking continue in your own head.

Some people will be turned off to you because of your ears and some people won't give it a second thought. It's that way for all of us. We all have traits that appeal to some and not to others.

It is true that the standard good looking person has an easier time of it than people with anything that's considered a physical flaw --which includes plenty of normally-formed features that don't happen to fit into the standard for "good looking"-- but that's just the way our society is and we all have to deal with that. People with thinning hair and guys who are short or with a small dick, to give easy examples, often have self-image problems because they let others define them. But the truth is, balding guys, short guys and guys with a small dick can be the most appealing men out there if THEY place their value on their strengths rather than what some others define as limitations.

Define the league you belong in by your strengths, not by what others, or even you, see as your limitations.

The way you've defined your value, downgrading yourself, because of your ears is much more of a hurdle to you connecting with a guy than the way your ears actually look.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

let's face something here. You were not truthful. you had the photo taken so that you ears didn't stick out.

I learned way back when that the truth is the best way to go. It can never come back and bite you in the ass.

Look, you have decided to conceal something that is pretty obvious and you put the picture in the Facebook that was, eh, misleading, to say in the least. Sure, you are neither the first nor will you be the last guy trying to put his best foot forward to the point of concealing something. I have not met a guy yet, who had listed all his drawbacks and defects in his profile...hoping to make a major catch. So, you have taken a certain risk and your tactics backfired with this guy. Live with it.

Yup. Looks do matter in everything. Just because a few people are telling you that this is not a 'politically correct' thing to say, by and far, looks do matter and that won't change anytime soon. We have all got to live with that. Balding scalps, growing tummies, sings of ageing, accidents, congenital defects, small dicks, hair or hairless, whatever.

So where do you go from here?

Give it a serious thought first. Do you want to disclose your congenital defect or not. If not, be prepared to live with sudden rejections. Plus, be prepared to live with the fact that even a guy, who would not be really judging you by your looks, cannot fail to notice that you have attempted to conceal something beforehand. You might be perceived as 'dishonest and manipulative' even before he realizes that you are actually a very decent human being.

Try to develop your own positive profile. Ask yourself very honestly, why would a young, hot dude, start dating you? Define precisely what your best foot really is and put it forward. You'd be surprised how many people will go for what you think is a simple 'matter-of-course' character feature...

Good Luck,

SC