My Daunting Relationship Problems In Life and How to Take Them On?

[Omicron4000X]

Hi,

I am not the best writer, but am going to describe how my life has turned out thus far when it comes to relationships or lack thereof. I am going to describe my feelings, thoughts, and memories as accurately as I can.

Ever since I was a young child (as a boy), I have always been introverted and very shy. I have no idea exactly why. There was always this intense social anxiety I had around others and so I often retreated to be by myself. I felt inadequate and inferior around others and was wary of being abused or made fun of in my childhood years. Even during pre-school and elementary I was always that kid that was left out and played by himself - people could sense I felt uncomfortable around others and had bad people skills. I never really developed any friendships due to these traits and these emotional problems early in life. These traits seemed to have started as early as I can remember and have apparently been life long.

During middle school, I started having crushes... crushes on other guys not girls though. This was extremely traumatic for me and upsetting bc I was taught I wasn't supposed to have crushes on other males. The way I can describe them is I felt these intense attractions/longings and need for physical and emotional affection from these people I had these feelings for. But since I was always so shy and inhibited and felt extreme anxiety (love shyness I guess is what you would call it) around these other boys I crushed on, I never approached any of them other than maybe to say hi or hello or something to that effect. Some of these crushes also involved sexual fantasies, which I did not choose to have, they just seem to naturally have developed in my mind around the start of puberty, I don't know why.

I was taught since a young child that homosexuality is wrong by society and religion. My family would never approve of that sort of relationship and kids made fun of homosexuality and gay people at school. There was also no known gay people in my family, I didn't know of any at my school either. So being the condemnation from all sides and my shame of having these feelings, I kept them a secret through all of my school years and just never pursued any relationships period. I tried to suppress it. My family just thought I was asexual or something or I was just so focused on my studies instead of girls and relationships. They said that was being responsible focusing on school rather than relationships.

Through high school and college I never really saw any other gay people and I was always embarrassed about these topics and ashamed of sexuality so I never came out of the closet and just focused on my academics, internships, and work in college and also like I said I seemed to have been born introverted and very shy starting almost at birth. I still would see guys in class in high school and college and have crushes and fantasies but never pursued anything due to the perceived wrongness of it and my shyness and not having any idea how to forge relationships with them. Also I assumed these love interests were all heterosexual and only wanted girls, which largely turned out to be the truth.

I graduated from college at age 25 and I could say I had never had any friends in my entire life with the exception of a few acquaintances I talked to a little in middle school who were jerks to me mostly or engaged in bullying like behavior. Of course, I never had any romantic relationships either.

The same scenario happened when I entered the work force. I kept to myself and did my work ,but I would talk to work collegues and ask questions about my job to complete it effectively. I never saw any opportunities to develop any friendships or relationships at any of the places I worked at, and I would have been too shy to do this even if they were available. And I never mentioned anything about homosexuality, as that was too embarrassing and inappropriate to say in the workplace. Most people I noticed talked about their spouses and kids, I did not see anyone who I thought was a homosexual.

To this day, I am not sure how people develop friendships much less intimate relationships with other people. And since the targets of my affections are only other males (all of my crushes, romantic inclinations, and sexual feelings have only been for other guys my entire life, I have never ended up having any of these feelings for girls/females for some reason), my chances of having a guy in my life seem to be even more remote because other boys/men are looking for girls, not other boys like me. I looked up most of my crushes on social media I knew of years ago, and all of them ended up getting married to a woman and many had children already.

I am now 35 years old, and still have never had any friends and see no hope of ever having a relationship with anyone. No one has ever expressed any interest in me for anything. I am now worried about how I will fare in the future, I still live with my parents who are in their 70s so they wont be around much longer. I feel extreme loneliness when my parents go off somewhere without me, so when they pass away I know I will suffer emotionally from lonesomeness. Most of my family is also now gone as they have moved or married off including the sibling and cousins I grew up with. I have health problems myself and suffer from chronic illness. I suffered from legal problems due to my writings about the US government online and was incarcerated for several months due to government said my writing had a threat in it, and so my felony conviction means I have problems finding jobs. And I have been unemployed for almost 5 years now because of what happened. In addition, I am still in the closet, as I mentioned my parents and about my whole family are conservative Christians who abhor homosexual people and I assume they would reject me if they knew the truth about me and if they did I would probably wind up homeless with my living and financial situation. Lastly, I still have the extreme shyness and anxiety I have had my whole life so still feel locked out of relationships as if I was never meant to even have any to start with.

Although I have never believed that a relationship can fill the void in ones soul and sometimes this whole idea of "coupling up" can be overrated and can cause more problems than it solves, I still am now am of the opinion mostly that having someone in your life long term that cares about you and gives you affection and you can do things with most days is far more valuable than just about any material item (fancy car, house, etc) and I see most people in my family and in society have that at least at some point and yet I don't and see no way I ever will. When my parents are gone I will be completely by myself and that feels daunting to me especially with all of the aforementioned problems I have had going on with my parents supporting me through them.

I am looking ahead and I sometimes sense that my life is already over.

Any advice on how to go about tackling these problems would be helpful. I tried to summarize my thoughts and feelings as accurately as I could with a sort of brief life summary of how this has played out for me.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

Yours is a familiar story- there are other similar stories to be found on this site.

When I read threads like this, it's like watching a performance of a play. Some performances might have understudies or there may be subtle differences in the performances but in the end, the play is the story with the same ending, day after day, week after week, over and over.

While you have a lot of insight into the pattern, what is missing is an understanding of how to break the pattern. So, the play is repeated, whether it's with your education, in your work life, in your relationships with other people.

In all this time, have you ever worked with a therapist to try to break these patterns that seem to repeat over and over?

 

[TX-Beau]

I agree with the therapy suggestion. It doesn't sound like you'll react well to any advice yoo might get that would help.


Because, in the end to make your life change, you have to make different choices, It's that simple. Figure out where you want to go, how to get there, make a plan, and choose things that further the plan. To do that you're going to have to deal with all the roadblocks you're throwing in your own way. For example, I grew up on a farm in rural Texas, in a Southern Baptist family, it doesn't get much more anti-gay than that. They couldn't stop me from being me, I was using their 'phobia to stop myself from being me. eventually, I chose to stop pretending they had a say.


So, the first step we tell every closeted guy who wants a change. Financial independence. What are you doing to get your own place and your own life?

 

[Rickrock]

I also grew up at a time when being gay was not acceptable. Although I was an extrovert I did not have any close friends, but did have acquaintances. I did use my parents for financial back-up, but did have some financial independence most of the time. I have some empathy for your problem, but don't have an answer, although financial independence is a start. If there is any free employment counseling available that might help.

 

[Omicron4000X]

I also grew up at a time when being gay was not acceptable. Although I was an extrovert I did not have any close friends, but did have acquaintances. I did use my parents for financial back-up, but did have some financial independence most of the time. I have some empathy for your problem, but don't have an answer, although financial independence is a start. If there is any free employment counseling available that might help.

In 2020, when I was taking the prescription drug Adderall for ADHD, my chronic illness of 2 years started. I developed cardiac symptoms probably as a result of taking this drug and I later developed liver symptoms and was diagnosed with non-viral hepatitus probably also the result of taking psychiatric prescription medication. So I felt malaise and illness had night sweats almost everyday for 2 years, so I wasn't able to function or do anything except lay in bed. I am finally feeling about normal again, as my body seems to have healed, so I am now ready to maybe seek financial independence and get somewhere in addressing these types of issues. So I am posting now because I finally have it in me to try to resolve these issues whereas before I was focusing everything on getting over my disease and medical problems. I've been to ER about 26 times and seen many, many specialists and doctors btw.

 

[Rickrock]

When I said free employment services I was thinking that some states, some counties, and some charities have free employment services. Sometimes they include some training. I don't know if any are available to you or not.

 

[Peloso]

OP: your story is similar to mine, although I moved AWAY from my parents at 18. The longer you remain under their roof, the longer they will enable your dependency on them.

Something to keep in the back of your mind: You might want to consider the possibility that perhaps you don't want a relationship with anyone. If I had figured that out earlier I would have saved myself years of frustration. Unfortunately, the only way to find this out is to date and have relationships.

My relationships weren't bad, just boring (for lack of a better word). I have trouble connecting emotionally with people.

 

[ShadowCat]

Hey when did I write this post?! To certain extents this is my life down to the last detail!

 

[Omicron4000X]

When I said free employment services I was thinking that some states, some counties, and some charities have free employment services. Sometimes they include some training. I don't know if any are available to you or not.

I've been trying to get a job, any job, for the past 5 years since I was released from the detention center I was incarcerated at. I have a masters degree in finance, but no bank will hire me due to felony conviction. Before my felony, all my work experience was in banks. I applied to lesser jobs like fast foods, retail, and grocery stores and not a single place would hire me. I've applied to thousands of jobs and a few interviews but not hired anywhere. I was told that with felony the only jobs you can get are menial construction jobs. I applied for them and got no where and my liver disease means I really couldn't do them anyway as I have sit down most of the time due to chronic illness from my liver disease.

So it is perplexing how I can even get financial independence when it seems I cannot even work a job in the US.

I am soon going to go to an employment agency in my area and see what they can do to help me. Probably not much to be honest.

Thanks for advice.

 

[Omicron4000X]

OP: your story is similar to mine, although I moved AWAY from my parents at 18. The longer you remain under their roof, the longer they will enable your dependency on them.

Something to keep in the back of your mind: You might want to consider the possibility that perhaps you don't want a relationship with anyone. If I had figured that out earlier I would have saved myself years of frustration. Unfortunately, the only way to find this out is to date and have relationships.

My relationships weren't bad, just boring (for lack of a better word). I have trouble connecting emotionally with people.

I think I would like one, as I would like someone to do things with and go places with that makes it all more entertaining and worthwhile when you experience same things. Also I feel kind of lonesome much of the time. And I think it is neat to have someone who chooses you to be with and likes you that way. I also wonder what sex is like.

But I dont like dealing with troubles of relationships like people breaking up/rejection fears, the potential fights and dramas, and sharing issues.

I do believe that maybe society puts too much emphasis on people having a partner. Maybe sometimes it is better to just be single at times.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK you are not in any position to worry about relationships. You need to work on yourself first.

 

[Omicron4000X]

OK you are not in any position to worry about relationships. You need to work on yourself first.

Honestly, as I have gotten older I have grown more and more toward not liking the US or the US government, that is mainly why I got the felony I have. And with the way I was treated and with no way to have a livelihood here, why should I give my time or stay here in the US at all? Ideally, I would like to emigrate out of the US and meet someone in a different country. I have no allegiance to the US or US government. But not sure how to go about getting out of here.

 

[Araucaria]

Wow, you're in a really tough spot. It sounds like you found yourself born in a hole, and all you can do is dig in deeper. I realize that I can't solve your problems for you, but I'll offer some observations.

!. First, I would strongly urge you to seek mental health counseling. You need to look at these issues, and I don't think you have the strength and understanding to pull yourself out alone. You need to get someone who can help you, and bolster you and your self-confidence. Most of all, you need someone to help you build a plan to get out of where you are.

2. You need to develop financial independence. Your felony conviction is standing in your way, but I think you may have a workaround. With your description of your physical and mental health problems, I would think surely you would be eligible for disability. I would work on that, applying and filling out forms, and getting doctors to detail your physical and mental health maladies. That may give you the money you need to move out and establish yourself. I wouldn't be shy about asking, you need the money, and it sounds like you're entitled to it.

3. You need to make contacts within the gay community. Call your local Gay and Lesbian Community Center if you have one where you live. If you get mental health counseling, they may be able to set you up with group therapy sessions, where you will meet others gay people in similar situations, and who will support you in your efforts. Look for gay social groups in your area. You might look into the gay church, Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), if you're religious and there's one in your area. You could talk to the pastor, who could give you references for things you need. If you live in a small town or rural area where these opportunities are not available, find gay social or support groups. They could help you. Avoid those pickups sites online!

4. Yes, the United States has its problems, and there is much to be angry about. But your problems are a lot closer to you than that. I'd suggest not focusing so much on what's "out there," but on yourself and what you need to do to take care of yourself and change your life situation. I suspect that you have a lot of anger issues because you're stuck in a life that's not right for you. You don't have to be specific about your legal problems, but I get the feeling you let your anger get the best of you, and you likely made some threats that you had no intention or plan of carrying them out. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get the best legal representation to get a lesser charge, or getting charges dropped in exchange for anger management counseling. Oh well, that's water under the bridge. You need to figure out how to move forward now.

What you need to do is to get help! Get that counseling appointment. Work on getting disability. Make contacts within the gay community. Get others to work with you. Make sure you take that next step forward!

Good luck!