My destructive side has grown a mile wide.

[ElMmSM]

I'm not very good at writing how I feel because I always write it off as a joke. Satire I suppose. I try to make it as funny as I can to myself as to not make me want to jump off a building from reliving it again. I'm trembling like a crack head suffering from withdrawal as I type away.

My name is Mario. I'm 18 going on 19 in a few weeks. I made a topic here already which serves as a backstory to what I'm about to rant and rave about. You may read here I believe if you wish, but be warned its long.

Now lets get on to my life which should probably be made into a soap opera from all the dramatic shit that happens.

So let me just cover up the names of the assholes who have tormented me these past few months. Marcos, my best friend up to the beginning of my first year of college and my confidant. Peach, my best friend also who at the time was also best friends with Kyle, who was my best friend all through out Highschool until my fuckery my last semester there. Hopefully you all read my long tiring shitty actions in that old post.

Ok. So let me start from where the post left off. Middle of summer, about a month left till my first semester of college and I'm all apeshit about it cause I hate going to school and I just wish I could stay home and do nothing. But I had my very close 3 best friend at that time: Bob, Marcos and Peach. I loved them all during that time like some outside family I could depend on.

We had a blast that summer, we went out everywhere, we went to Anime Expo in long beach, we always had fun.

The first week of college rolled around and I was pretty excited since I had a few classes with my friend Bob. We went to all our classes that day and then went home.

Next day I had a class with Bob later that afternoon so I was at home.

About maybe 11 or 12 in the afternnon, morning, whatever, I get a call from Marcos, my beloved Mexican friend. It started out as a normal conversation, he told me he was at the college waiting for his class to start. And then this is where the shit storm begins.

Marcos tells me he has something to tell me. And I start to get worried, wondering WTF, Cancer!? Jail? Moving Away? Oh no no.

He and my other best friend Peach were dating. He said he just asked her out right before he called me or some bullshit like that.

I of course am in shock! Que QUE!?

I tell them I'm ok with it and its all good, I'm happy for them and he asks if he should tell Bob since once senior year bob had a crush on Peach or Vice versa, but it never worked out. I tell him sure tell him.

We say our good byes and we hung up. I sat there on my bed in disbelief. Whatever I though, hopefully things will be fine. I later that week asked Peach I really needed to talk to her sometime.

So then Bob comes to pick me up and are on the way to class when he tells me Marcos called him and told him he and peach were dating. We both discuss how hopefully things dont change and everything will be alright. Oh if only we knew back then....

Fast forward to the weekend when a friend comes back home from college for the weekend and we all go out to eat. We, as in Bob and myself are still in shock over the whole we just started dating thing, and I decide I don't want to hangout with everyone to night because I knew I would just be an asshole, and I also had family visiting and I kinda wanted to see them so i used them as my excuse to not hangout with them that evening. I of course was unaware of the repercussions my decision would have. We say our goodbyes and I get dropped off at home and I go to bed after talking to my cousin a bit.

I wake the next morning a jolly mood only to have the mood shattered by Marcos' message to everyone via myspace (Ah myspace, the instrument to deliver so many brutal messages).

To put it simply, Marcos told all of us to go to hell since I was being an asshole and everyone else were being dicks and we should all go fuck ourselves. Something to that effect. Oh and the best part, Marcos and Peach had not just begun to date. They started dating since the beginning of Summer and hid it from us, because we might "over react" and they "were right."

If something isnt clear at this point, I apologize, since I cant remember everything, which is a good sign for me, meaning I'm clearing suppressing all this shit.

I am in tears because I'm like WTF did I do!? I wasnt even there the whole night yet I'm told to go fuck myself?

I call Marcos, distraught, first time he picks up and I can't even say anything, so in between gasping breathes I tell him I'll call him later.

After about an hour or so of me crying and letting it all out and my family leaving, I call him again to explain myself and hopefully resolve the problem.

I tell him WTF did I do!? he says I was being an asshole. And I explain how I left early because I knew I would be and I'm very sorry about everything since its all to much to get used to. He also was mad at me for "questioning his loyalty." Let me explain that:

The day after he first told us of his affair with peach, I talked to him earlier that day and I discussed with him a few issues I had about this whole relationship. Namely, how Peach is still friends with Kyle (ex best friend) and I was afraid Marcos would stop talking to us and run off with Kyle and Peach and their friends. He said no no no, I hate them, I give them dirty looks, and some other bullshit. I distinctly remember telling him, I know you will, opinions change.

Back to the phonecall, we work shit out, he says, we're closer than ever now that we've worked out all this shit. And I'm all happy inside.

2 days later I meet up with Bob and we discuss the issue. Bob is pissed. Like really pissed at all the shit Marcos said, but says he's willing to work the friendship out.

And that is we try to do for the next month, make our friendship work. But nothing worked. Marcos became a bit assholish with us. He was smug when we hug out and I didn't now why. Everything was just very awkward and bob gave up trying to be friends, I of course didnt. I refused to lose two more best friends in a year.

So I did something that was very hard for me. I came out to them.

In retrospect, I believe I did it in a tempt to make our friendship even stronger, and I thought it did. When I came out to them I also told them of why I stopped being friends with Kyle which involved me liking him and whatnot, really complicated shit that I refuse to talk about to this day to Bob about. Although, now I know I told them simply because I needed to tell someone, no matter who.

So after that I thought we were good friends, but I have no clue WTF happened. The last thing I did with them was go to Marcos' house and hangout. We ended up watching Scarface, but I couldn't stand being there any longer since they were all luvvy duvvy, so I made some bullshit excuse to leave.

After that, we never spoke on a friendship level.

And of course a few weeks later I come to discover from a friend that Marcos has indeed been hanging out with Kyle and his friends.

I knew it and it explained why the fuck Marcos was so fucking Smug all the time when we hung out. He felt like he was getting away with it. Asshat.

So because of Marcos and Peach, Me and Bob become bestest friends.

We had class together all the time, sometimes we'd ditch and discuss what the fuck happened this past month.

One day we see Marcos by a tree during our break from one of our classes and walk over to him to say hi. He gets up.
(*U*)

He's wearing Peach's pants. He fucking wearing girl pants. And he's fat.

:-|

So then Peach come out of her class and comes next to Marcos, and She's wearing his clothes.

Me and Bob leave back to class, but instead leave. we sit in his car and laugh at WTF we just saw. Marcos looked like a whale in those jeans. We laughed for about an hour at that and then went home. Here is a picture I made depicting the whale:

So on to Bob's Birthday, we go to Chinatown with two other friends, who I shall name Mac and Rory. We had fun, everything was great.

And then we get home, Marcos has sent Bob a message saying how he went camping with Kyle and his friends and it was so much fun, clearly he said it to be an asshole. He also sends me a message, via myspace, stating to check his friends list. I ignore it, and simply write LOL, he replies stating, check my friends in a day and then you can LOL. Really petty shit.

So around this time some family issues occured, Mother was attacked by a friend of my dads, led to me going on a rampage, and someone with a price on their head.

Anywhoo, I became depressed. Very depressed, I was scared I would have to drop college and support my mother and sister and the only friend I had was Bob who was their for me when I needed someone to talk to.

With me being depressed I also became very secluded, I didnt want to go out, and I also became very paranoid. I began to think, fuck, I told Marcos I was gay and I liked Kyle, and Kyle doesnt know this shit, so what if he tells him!? Oh god I was freaking out sometimes, I was even like afraid to go to class some weeks.

It was around november when all this went down, and for the next 2 months I buried myself in drawing and videogames. I gained more weight (ew) and I became severely depressed, suicide came to mind again, along with cutting a bit. I once again, became self destructive.

New year came, I sat along with noone to talk to except Bob, but I firmly beleived Bob was growing tired of me and my issues.

2 months ago I broke down. I began to cry every god damn night Like I had in the past and I became constantly paranoid. I was afraid of seeing marcos and them, I was hating myself again, I hated what I was, what I became and my life. I still feel that way right now.

And now just recently, Marcos did something I wanted to kill him for.

Mac and I had become good friends, and Marcos had sent a message to Mac recently stating he had some shit about me to tell him.

Mac was kind enough to let me know what Marcos had said as a heads up. I told him I knew wtf he was going to tell him, I knew it was about me being gay. And the fucker did. He told him how I was an asshole, manipulitve, I was the bad guy, how everything I told him about why I stopped being friends with Kyle was bullshit. After learning of what he said, I wanted to die.

I had given someone the power to fuck up my life. I had confided in them something so personal, something I have yet to come to terms with well, ad they run off and tell the world. And I can only assume he told Kyle about my actions.

I cried for a day in my room about a week or so ago. From that, from nearly dying at the hands of come crazy christian at my college, from all the shit in my life, from my self hatred, my loneliness.

Mac and Bob stood up for me against them which made me trust them more. But now Bob is leaving to another college due to all this bullshit from Marcos this past year and I can't bring myself to trust Mac on the level I trusted Bob.

I also have become a social retard. Someone asks my something in a class I freak out and start to sweat, I get all red, it gets hot, I start to stutter. I now walk with no confidence, I walk Like someone lit a rocket in my ass.

I've had sleeping problems these past few months. I've been having nightmares involving Marcos. Once involved Marcos dragging Bob away from me, which ended with me waking up scared and kicking the wall against my bed in, now theres a huge hole.

A few weeks ago I was at the college and I saw Peach and Marcos and I freaked out and ended up hiding behind a little truck like a rat.

I dropped 2 classes because I would see them on my way to the class and I didnt want to risk having them fuck up my life.

I've thought about drinking again, maybe picking up smoking. I've left myself go. I had long hair past my shoulder, I have a beard for christ sakes and I hate beards. I hate myself. I hate what I am and the life I'm going to have to live alone.

I'm also deathly afraid of telling my parents I'm gay. I have no one to depend on if I do tell them and they dont accept me. I'm scared.

I really don't even know what to ask for in terms of advice here. I'm a completely broken person who slowing destroying themselves.

WTF do I do?

And I have attached something I drew to sum up Marcos.

 

[pausanias_usa]

Yea, at such a young age _everything_ seems dramatic, but, really, it's just a phase -- everyone is exploring their new-found independance from home, and working on what their adult selves will be.

Even straight guys complain how women drive them apart. It's not new.

Btw, anyone that cuts needs counseling: I'm sure your school can provide it free.

 

[KaraBulut]

This feels like a script for "Jawbreaker" or "Heathers" or one of those nasty angsty Lindsay Lohan movies.

In reading both posts, there are patterns here

1. When your friends have relationships and connections outside their friendship with you, then you feel jealous or threatened
2. You manipulate and attempt to control your friends with passive-aggressive behavior
3. You do spiteful and mean things without understanding the consequences of your actions
4. When your friends reject you (because of your behaviors) or give you a taste of your own medicine, then you feel hurt and abandoned and the cycle begins again

Ask yourself, "Would you want a friend like you?"

Teenagers do some pretty shitty things to each other. But they don't do these kinds of things to people who are supposed to be their friends. At age 18, you should be moving into more of an adult relationship with people in your life. If you don't deal with your behaviors, you will continue to destroy your relationships with other people.

You need counseling to work through your issues.

 

[ineffablejk]

Well... I read your original post and this one. Quite a read for early AM.

I know this is hard to do but, as others have said, you need to take a step away from what’s going on. We have all gone through crap at one time in our life at this age. Some experience the roll coaster of life’s up and downs more than others but everybody has experiences that are overwhelming and often paralyze us from doing anything else. Hopefully, the end result is a learning experience that brings an understanding of why all of this happened and what can be done to avoid a similar situation like this in the future. Often this is very difficult for a person to do because they are paralyzed from the experience.

As the person above suggested and I strongly concur, get yourself help.

You have coming out issues, you have issues about how you treat others and as a result, how they treat you. To complicate all of this and make matters worse you are skipping and dropping classes and have self destructive tendencies. All of this puts you deeper into a hole and makes it harder for you to see how to get out of it.

A therapist can help you sort all of this out, redirect your thinking and actions; basically after some work make your life livable.

Every College has a free Counseling Dept because a lot of people have problems like yours and need help sorting everything out. It may be hard getting up the nerve to go in and start but, it will be very rewarding once you do. No one should have a life of torture. You don't have to, just get help in redirecting your life.

 

[G-Lexington]

I think I'm way too fucking old to give any advice here, because I don't think I understand half of what happened.

Marcos sounds like he had you nailed from the start. "If I start dating Peaches, Elm is gonna fucking freak out." And he was right - you did. And your concerns weren't about Marcos and Peaches - they were about you.

I don't know which is more immature - him taunting you from myspace, or you drawing little pictures of them (presumably posted on YOUR myspace page - "mood: artistic!"). But frankly, it doesn't matter.

You're not 18 going on 19.
You're 18 going on 11.
Start growing up.

Old folks like me don't bandy about words like "bff" because we know better. We know friendships ebb and flow. We know sometimes that Marcos and Peaches might start dating, and they might start spending more time with Kyle than with us. This doesn't make them horrible people - it just makes them people. And when it happens, we don't post bulletins on myspace or draw pictures - we accept it, and move on with our lives.

Makes for a lousy soap opera, but that's the point. Most of us don't LIKE drama in our lives, and do our best to eliminate it wherever possible.

So start growing up. Drop the soap opera. Forgive Marcos and Peaches for all their past "sins", wish them well, and move on.

At this point, I'd ordinarily tell you to start making new friends, but I think a little self-improvement might be called for. Take inventory. What makes a good friend? What qualities about you are qualities of a good friend? What do you need to work on?

Get to work.

Lex

 

[ElMmSM]

I dont know what to say or do except hang my head in shame.

I've been thinking about Therapy for 2 weeks now, but I just don't know about that. how would I go about finding a therapist? I have no money to pay for things like that, and I don't exactly want to tell my parents I have issues.

And I should say I have tried to move on since the beginning of the year. I said to myself and Bob, we need to forget about all this shit and just move on, who cares.

But it really isnt that simple when you ignore them but they go out of their way to say shit to you when you see them out in public. I've only recently felt like going out again, but now when I do, I see one of them out there.

Yes karma's a bitch and this is all my fault as so many things have been.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I've been thinking about Therapy for 2 weeks now, but I just don't know about that. how would I go about finding a therapist? I have no money to pay for things like that, and I don't exactly want to tell my parents I have issues.

Almost all colleges have some sort of therapy available. Do some nosing around online to see what's available.

>>>>And I should say I have tried to move on since the beginning of the year. I said to myself and Bob, we need to forget about all this shit and just move on, who cares. But it really isnt that simple when you ignore them but they go out of their way to say shit to you when you see them out in public. I've only recently felt like going out again, but now when I do, I see one of them out there.

"Moving on" doesn't (necessarily) mean "ignoring". Yeah, it'd be easier if you could just avoid them. But if you can't, fine. Be the bigger man. Be friendly and polite when you see them. If they pull out shit you've done in the past, just smile awkwardly and say, "Yeah, I was kind of a dick about that. Sorry." If you don't let the shit get to you, they'll stop serving it.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I dont know what to say or do except hang my head in shame.

We've given you very harsh words in this thread. Our intent is not to shame you or make you feel bad. We want to help you see yourself as other people see you.

What has happened is that your emotion and pain has blinded you to the pain that you have caused to other people.

And I should say I have tried to move on since the beginning of the year. I said to myself and Bob, we need to forget about all this shit and just move on, who cares.

I agree with G-Lex's comments to you. Please understand this- your first priority is to make yourself whole. Your second priority is to fix the painful things that you have done to other people. It's not about moving on- it's healing yourself and the people that you have hurt.

 

[ElMmSM]

I understand that I need to get myself together, but I must confess, although I think of therapy, I just don't think I could ever actually do it. I feel as though it would make me feel insane or something. -_-'

And avoiding them to me seems like the only thing to do. Theres nothing either of us can say to make everything neutral.

I just want for us to be like 2 ships passing in the night.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, I hope it works out for you.

 

[ineffablejk]

I understand that I need to get myself together, but I must confess, although I think of therapy, I just don't think I could ever actually do it. I feel as though it would make me feel insane or something. -_-'

Your concern about going to a therapist is unfounded but, commonly held by others. I guarantee you, it will have the exact opposite effect of giving you feelings of insecurity. Tell the therapist your concerns he will help you work them out. Tell him you don't want to do this because you feel that it will make you more insecure.

You’re not going to find out that you are irreconcilably insane. A good therapist is only going to give you what you can handle which is generally a little bit at a time so that you can build and become more confident. If he didn’t why would anyone go? If you can get an appointment go once and see what its like, often there is a waiting list on campus to get in.

The issue is not your friends. Your issue is your feelings and how that makes you treat your friends. You have not been successful up to this point handling your problems on your own. I would venture to guess things have only gotten worse, what you have to lose?

 

[rareboy]

You're not 18 going on 19.
You're 18 going on 11.
Start growing up.

I couldn't say it better.

I never did understand why you got the least bit upset by any of this except you must be incredibly bored.

It all sounded like the life of my neighbours' 14 year old daughter.