My ex is moving to another city.......

[confusedboy23]

It has been a while since I’ve started a thread myself but I just feel the need to get this off my chest. I’ve been thinking about it since this morning (it is evening here in Australia) and I have decided to post it here hoping that it will make me feel better. It is rather long so I do apologise in advance. I don’t know why I am writing this but maybe some of you might be able to offer some thoughts on this and maybe it would be of help to those who might be struggling to get over someone special in their lives too.

Those of you who have read my earlier threads would know that my ex left me in July to go back to his ex. We have only been together for a very short time and I know from the bottom of my heart that him leaving me was indeed the best thing that could have happened at that moment because of my circumstances then. I have not been bitter with him at all but it took me a very long time to get over him and my depression. Although I feel a lot better nowadays, there are still those days when I think I’d rather not live through.

I broke off communication with him because I was struggling to get over him but after a month, he wrote to me and from then on, we kept in touch via email and on the very rare occasion, an IM chat on MSN. Yes, he is still with his ex and it is all going well. He even thanked me once and acknowledged that his relationship with his ex would not have been where it is today if it wasn’t for me. I didn’t really know how to take it but I thought I’ve done the right thing.

I’ve felt myself becoming stronger as the days passed but just as I thought I was over it, I feel like I’m tumbling again. Just 3 weeks ago, I sat in my room and dug out his photos and I just felt lost. I felt better the next day. Then, not long after, he wrote to me and because I’ve never heard him use the word ‘babe’ for too long, I was overly excited and felt like I was on top of the world but I knew that he was only being friendly and let me thank a fellow JUBber who have helped me stay on the ground. I got over that pretty quickly. The past few days have been weird because it seems like everything I see just reminds me of him from cars on the roads to undies at the shops!

OK, well, I have actually been offered a job overseas next year and I have accepted that on Thursday. I was contemplating on telling my ex about it but I didn’t when and how I should break the news to him. I was afraid of many things. I was afraid that he would think that I lied to him in the past and I was afraid to hear him say “Good for you. Go.”. It sounds silly, I know, especially when I have said that I do not crave for him and stuff like that. But, it’s just the emotional rollercoaster that’s really driving me nuts.

What has really been bothering me today was the fact that I have been questioning myself over and over again – ‘has he really loved me in the past?’. I’ve been trying to find the answer for a long time already and I know that I probably will never know the answer in my lifetime. Here, let me thank another awesome JUBber who has today just reminded me of the beauty of love and the do’s and don’ts in this situation. Thank you!

Now, what triggered this? I spoke to my ex on MSN today. The first thing he told me was that he has been offered a good job in another city AND he has been able to get his boy a job there too! Wow, that was great, I said. Fantastic. Did I mean it? Yes, I did mean every word I said. I really wanted him to be happy and successful and everything. I have always wished him the best and never have I really cursed him. But then reality started to sink in and I felt angry and disappointed, yet again. Why? Maybe it is because it reminded me of the reality that we were but are no longer together, and I guess, will never be. It was a bitter pill to swallow!

Ever since we re-established communication after I broke it off, he has always been saying that we should catch up. I have always put that off because I was scared to be set back after meeting him. He said it again that we should catch up in the next 2 weeks before he moves, and I know that I want to but I don’t know what to do. I wonder if he would bring his boy along, and I wonder if I could cope if he did.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I still have not told him about my job offer but it seems that we are both really going places since we broke up! The funny thing is I accepted my job offer on Thursday and it was also that day when he was headhunted for that job he has been offered!!! Sheeesh, it's spooky!!!

 

[GreatZeus]

Dear Sir,

I think that you should not go. And I think it is mean of your ex-boy friend to carry on like this. There need not be any hostility between you two. But unless he is is utterly naive, he has to understand the pain that you are going through. And he should not put you through that pain. Protect yourself ! ! ! Protect yourself ! ! ! Protect yourself ! ! ! One can be polite and kind and sweet and still Protect Oneself ! ! !

 

[momp57]

Sorry you are hurting. In my experience, hurt can last a long time when you really care for someone. I've often told myself that it would be easier to be much more superficial than I am in relationships. (not gonna happen) As the old cliche goes, time heals. I've been in a great, loving relationship for over six years, and I still have moments where a memory of my ex (he left me about 11 years ago after 5 years together) comes to mind. I've heard he's become a drunken druggie, but I still find concern in my heart for him. My point with this ramble is that time really does heal. I don't think of my ex often, nor for very long when I do, but because I really cared, I don't forget him either. Move on with your life and find comfort in the fact that your ex is doing well, and that you know you are better off without him. People come into our lives for a reason. Cherish the positive memories, and time will take the hurt away. Best wishes on your move!

 

[spikethecat]

Dear CB,
the strangest thing happened when I was reading your post, My ex called. (I think you are familiar with my earlier thread) This time I talked with him. In the 20 mins that I talked with him I was reminded of many of the things that I miss most about him. I think this has set me back in trying to move past him. It opened some of the old wounds that were starting to heal over. As he hung up he signed off with "Love you". There are tears in my eyes. With that being said, I would have to caution you strongly against putting yourself through the turmoil a reunion could dredge up. I get the impression that this could be your last meeting for quite some time, if not final. What would you gain from this? Would you get closure? I know that I yearn for the familiarity of my former relationship. Is this healthy to pursue? Probably not. Maybe it would be better if he did bring his boy. Kind of like pouring alcohol disinfectant on a cut, burns like hell but keeps out the infection. It all comes down to What do you get from the situation? You may want to examine the reasons you want to meet with him.

Congratulations on your new job by the way. I am sorry that you are on this rollercoaster ride. What I am trying to do is wish him well and walk away for my own self preservation. I dont know that there is any advice for you in this post, but just know that I consider you a friend and feel very badly that you are going through this horrible turmoil. "Hang in there baby"

Mike

 

[slobone]

Hi confused boy, good to hear from you again.

I think you can probably guess what I'm going to say. You need to do everything you can to get this guy out of your life in every possible way. If that means no emails, no messages, no letters, so be it.

You're still obsessing on him even though you know there's no chance you'll get back together again. Once again, your post is full of "he this" and "he that," when your life ought to be about you.

If you have any thoughts that it's possible for the two of you to be "just friends", get them out of your head. Yes, it's perfectly possible for him, but not for you. All he has to do is get in touch with you, and you don't think about anything else for a week.

And I'm still not willing to let him off the hook for what he's doing. He must have some inkling of the way you still feel about him. I think it's quite likely that he enjoys the power he knows he has over you, and wants to keep you on the hook as long as possible.

I'm getting to the point now where I think you should see a counselor/therapist of some kind. Is that a possibility for you? As helpful as it may be to post here, and as willing as we all are to support you to the best of our abilities, there's no substitute for face-to-face contact with a trained professional who will really listen to what you have to say and help you make sense of your feelings.

I wish you nothing but the best. You're a great guy, and I know you can get through this. Just be strong.

 

[Riverrick]

Hello ConfusedBoy. Life IS confusing, isn't it?

Sometimes when we lose someone, we still harbor a tiny sliver of hope that things could somehow miraculously work out. It helps us get through the loss until we no longer care.

I think that when he called you "babe" he stirred that hope, just enough for you to feel confused all over again. He sort of made it grow into a bigger sliver.

And then when he announced that he is moving, he essentially extinguished that flame, that hope, once and for all. Which has thrown you back into your grief and is forcing you to finally let completely go of him. That will hurt a lot if you aren't prepared.

Hang in there. You're a bright light in this Forum and I'm sure everyone here will reach out a hand if you need one. And personally, I'd like to say you've been a great friend and I'm here for you any time and in any way.

 

[confusedboy23]

Thank you so much for reading this uber long post. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated - I will take some time to quietly and carefully reflect on them before deciding on what to do next.

My point with this ramble is that time really does heal. I don't think of my ex often, nor for very long when I do, but because I really cared, I don't forget him either. Move on with your life and find comfort in the fact that your ex is doing well, and that you know you are better off without him. People come into our lives for a reason. Cherish the positive memories, and time will take the hurt away. Best wishes on your move!

I agree wholeheartedly that time does heal otherwise I would still be in that pathetic state I was in some months ago when I’d go to sleep crying, waking in search of him and just being moody, depressed and all over the place basically. I think finding comfort in knowing that he is well has given me a lot of strength. I am trying to move on but there are just ‘those’ days when I can’t seem to think straight and I star feeling down, missing him and yes, craving for him. I know that I will never forget him because I do care for him, just like you too but I just hope that the days will be better.

Dear CB,
As he hung up he signed off with "Love you". There are tears in my eyes. With that being said, I would have to caution you strongly against putting yourself through the turmoil a reunion could dredge up. I get the impression that this could be your last meeting for quite some time, if not final. What would you gain from this? Would you get closure? I know that I yearn for the familiarity of my former relationship. Is this healthy to pursue? Probably not. Maybe it would be better if he did bring his boy. Kind of like pouring alcohol disinfectant on a cut, burns like hell but keeps out the infection. It all comes down to What do you get from the situation? You may want to examine the reasons you want to meet with him.

Mike, I know that you have been through a lot especially with that wedding and I thank you for sharing with me your experience and your thoughts here. I think it was when he used the word ‘babe’ that I started going nuts again and he did sign off yesterday from our IM chat with kisses. I got a bit emotional too. As for the meet, yes, it would probably be our last for quite some time. I do admit that I really don’t know what my real intention is to meet him again. I don’t know what I expect to get out of it. And yes, sometimes I really think that if his boy came along, I would come out of it stronger. But I just don’t know anything now.

If you have any thoughts that it's possible for the two of you to be "just friends", get them out of your head. Yes, it's perfectly possible for him, but not for you. All he has to do is get in touch with you, and you don't think about anything else for a week.

And I'm still not willing to let him off the hook for what he's doing. He must have some inkling of the way you still feel about him. I think it's quite likely that he enjoys the power he knows he has over you, and wants to keep you on the hook as long as possible.

Thanks slobone for being frank with me and yes I have been expecting that. I won’t deny the fact that I have questioned his motives and his sincerity. Sometimes I really do wonder if he is playing games with my heart and my feelings especially with his ‘let’s be friends’ idea. The problem is I find it very hard to play nasty and mean to anyone let alone him. I don’t know if it is because I am still holding on to him or if it’s just me being ‘mr. nice guy’. I really don’t know. There are days when I feel really happy for him but yet there are days when I don’t even know what I’m thinking. I might also carefully consider your idea of going to a counsellor……

Hello ConfusedBoy. Life IS confusing, isn't it?

Sometimes when we lose someone, we still harbor a tiny sliver of hope that things could somehow miraculously work out. It helps us get through the loss until we no longer care.

I think that when he called you "babe" he stirred that hope, just enough for you to feel confused all over again. He sort of made it grow into a bigger sliver.

And then when he announced that he is moving, he essentially extinguished that flame, that hope, once and for all. Which has thrown you back into your grief and is forcing you to finally let completely go of him. That will hurt a lot if you aren't prepared.

You bet! Life is DAMN confusing! I don’t know if there will ever be a day in my life when I will wake up thinking that I no longer care about him. I have to say that I doubt there will be one.

Yes, his ‘babe’ and ‘kisses’ did stir up my emotions and threw me back into confusion and grief. His decision to move no doubt is forcing me to completely let go of him because there is no way I could move to where he is going. Sometimes I wonder why it is so hard for me to accept his move when I myself am about to move too. Am I being selfish or what?

Oh honey...I know exactly what you're going through. You say you're happy for him and that's great. I sense though that way deep down inside you won't let him go. You're still holding onto him. I understand completely. I have been there. It almost seems impossible. You need to set him free. By doing that you'll set yourself free too. I think it's time to let go for good. I think he cares for you but he's moving on. You should too.

I know, you're probably thinking that you can't and that's ok. I know you will move on and find someone to love you in the same way that you love. When you love it's tough. Love is hard to let go but I really think that you should....Just let him go babes. It'll be good for him as well as for you...Open yourself up to love again. Don't close yourself out...Love is out there....

Oh Elvin, you’re always sweet! I am trying to let him go, to set him free. I thought I was doing pretty well until yesterday. I don’t why I felt so down about his decision to move when I know that I will be moving too. Love is definitely hard to let go but I know I will have to continue to do what I have been doing to try and let go of him fully.


Thanks for all the compliments, guys. It makes me feel special. I enjoy being here, reaching out to others just as you all have reached out to me which I thank from the bottom of my heart. I have just spent time to re-read some of the posts that I have left for guys who were having a hard time themselves, and I thought – what the heck is wrong with me? I’m giving advice to people when I myself ain’t fully practicing what I preach! It just proves that it is indeed so much harder to be in another person's shoes.......

Anyway, thanks again for listening.

 

[slobone]

Thanks slobone for being frank with me and yes I have been expecting that. I won’t deny the fact that I have questioned his motives and his sincerity. Sometimes I really do wonder if he is playing games with my heart and my feelings especially with his ‘let’s be friends’ idea. The problem is I find it very hard to play nasty and mean to anyone let alone him. I don’t know if it is because I am still holding on to him or if it’s just me being ‘mr. nice guy’. I really don’t know. There are days when I feel really happy for him but yet there are days when I don’t even know what I’m thinking. I might also carefully consider your idea of going to a counsellor……

Confused boy, after all the conversations we've had I know you're a nice guy and more, and I really appreciate that you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But I think you really need to protect yourself.

There's no reason for you to be nasty or mean to the guy, but you don't have to be best buddies either!

Send him a polite but short message saying, I'm glad to hear that you're happy with your ex, and I wish you both the best. But I think it's better for me if I don't get in contact with you anymore. I hope you'll understand.

Then if he responds to that, you don't need to message him back.

 

[Riverrick]

You bet! Life is DAMN confusing! I don’t know if there will ever be a day in my life when I will wake up thinking that I no longer care about him.

You're 23. Rest assured. There will be plenty of days when you wake up and don't think about him. Probably most of your life, in fact.

 

[confusedboy23]

Confused boy, after all the conversations we've had I know you're a nice guy and more, and I really appreciate that you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But I think you really need to protect yourself.

There's no reason for you to be nasty or mean to the guy, but you don't have to be best buddies either!

That's right - I don't like the idea of hurting other people's feelings but at the same time, I know that I am very vulnerable to being hurt by others. I have reduced the amount of communication with him drastically over the months but I'm not sure if I can cut it off again. Maybe his move and my anticipated move would do us both some good and maybe with me being across the oceans from him, I might be able to really start to regain and rebuild myself.

 

[confusedboy23]

You're 23. Rest assured. There will be plenty of days when you wake up and don't think about him. Probably most of your life, in fact.

I don't question that. I know and I am sure that there will be many days ahead when I will just wake up with something or someone else in my mind! As for the caring bit, I don't think I will ever be able to stop caring for him........

 

[Croynan]

Confused boy, after all the conversations we've had I know you're a nice guy and more, and I really appreciate that you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But I think you really need to protect yourself.

There's no reason for you to be nasty or mean to the guy, but you don't have to be best buddies either!

Send him a polite but short message saying, I'm glad to hear that you're happy with your ex, and I wish you both the best. But I think it's better for me if I don't get in contact with you anymore. I hope you'll understand.

Then if he responds to that, you don't need to message him back.

I totally agree with the above comments. The only thing(s) I might add is that this guy has already told you in a variety of ways - who he really is, and I think for any number of reasons, you are ignoring the inconsiderate and insensitive behaviour he has deomonstrated to/toward you on a regular bases. He does not mind doing what he needs to do for his own happiness but he sure seems to have made little if any effort to be truly concerned about your happiness.

Of what honest value can you point to in maintaining contact with this individual - for what purposes and or reasons. I may be totally wrong here, but where are the positive things he could in any way add to your life????? You have a chance to relocate and move on with your life getting and going past this guy. Personally, I think he should be perceived as extra baggage that you just do not need to carry with you as your life progresses. Be assured he is far more interested in what he has to tell you about his situation and how things are going then he is in how your situation in progessing and going.

Everything seems to be about him - the question should be what about yourself?



eM

 

[confusedboy23]

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I totally agree with the above comments. The only thing(s) I might add is that this guy has already told you in a variety of ways - who he really is, and I think for any number of reasons, you are ignoring the inconsiderate and insensitive behaviour he has deomonstrated to/toward you on a regular bases. He does not mind doing what he needs to do for his own happiness but he sure seems to have made little if any effort to be truly concerned about your happiness.

Of what honest value can you point to in maintaining contact with this individual - for what purposes and or reasons.

I'd love to be able to find out what's stopping me from being mad at him for being insensitive. I just can't seem to find that answer. There are days when I think I deserve better and I get all upset and mad at him, but it just doesn't last. I used to harbor hope of being with him again but I really don't know if that is the reason I am being in touch with him now. We've added value to each other's lives in the past but I'm starting to wonder sometimes if it is only him that is gaining from this so-called friendship because obviously, I am still somewhat hurting but I've still always been there for him when he needed someone to talk to. I've never stopped being supportive and caring. It makes me wonder if he has reciprocated.