my father's reaction

[G-Lexington]

Well, it sounds like you have a couple issues.

First off, your father. How long ago did he beat you? More than ten years? How has your relationship with your father been since then? If it has continued to be stiff, angry, and domineering, then frankly, he's probably not worth the effort. You're on your own now. You're free of him if you wish to be. You can live your life precisely as you wish. Your sex life is really none of his business anymore, so you're under no obligation to tell him. If he asks, you can tell him if you want, or you can say "That's none of your business".

Secondly, the guy.

If you don't want it to be a wham-bam-thank-you-Sam, stay out of the bedroom for awhile. Tell him you're not ready to go to bed with him, but would like to get to know him first. He'll probably be cool with that. If he isn't, then, well, there's your answer, right?

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Why is it important to you that your father know? I wasn't clear on that. To me, people have to earn the right for me to trust them and respect them enough to know who I really am. I don't see where your father has done that, and perhaps he's forfeited the right to know his real son--sad as that is.

Be yourself and who you are. You don't need his approval to validate your life. If you want to tell him, do so, but--unless he's changed a whole lot--don't expect approval or understanding.

Otherwise, go on with your life the way you know you want to lead it. Once you resolve the "approval issue" with your father, and detach from him and his feelings, you'll feel more comfortable with yourself and shouldn't have any problems committing to someone special who comes along.

Good luck to you.

 

[uncuttboi]

get another place to live 1st. I did and was I glad........he came around later, much later 5 years later........

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, maybe you actually DO only have one issue. You're reluctant to tell your father that you're gay because that might ruin your relationship, and you're reluctant to tell your boyfriend (or your buttpounder) that you're interested in activities outside the bedroom because that might ruin THAT relationship.

Look, you're an adult now. You have the right to have things on your terms, or to reject them outright.

You don't have to accept just being "that place where your guy sticks his dick". Ask for more. Demand more. If he's not interested, fine - dump his sorry ass and find someone who's interested in getting to know your other body parts, as well.

Same thing with your father. You can keep lying (or playing pronoun games - "I'm seeing someone") or you can take control. If your father has a problem with it, then he's got a problem with it. It means he's only supportive of the son he THINKS he has, not the one he does have. Yes, he'll probably freak out for awhile, and have to readjust his way of thinking for awhile. But if your relationship has been strong outside of this issue, it'll probably survive your coming out to him.

Lex

 

[Richardodessa]

How old are you, how long have you been out of your fathers house and are you still financially dependant on your family, for example are they paying your bills while you attend school now?

 

[landers]

Just because he's your dad doesn't mean you have to tell him. I might be easier to tell him rather than playing the pronoun game that Lexington mentioned.

In either case your relationship with your family shouldn't affect your relationship with any guy you choose to date. A good test of the bar-hottie's relationship potential would be to come out to your dad. If he reacts badly, as you suspect he will, and you have to begin carving family members out of your life his reaction can tell you a lot about your potential for a future together. If he's supportive during a difficult time for you then you've got a chance. If you never hear from him again, well it's better that you find out now.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Gaytrain,

Welcome to JUB mate and this forum!!! Glad to have you on board!!!

Mate, I get your need to tell your Dad. I get your desire to be honest with him, to not hide and to seek his approval. I think its a very natural thing for people to want their parents approval and sometimes we seek it more for our own reassurance and permission to get on with our lives than it is for them.

I understand your fears in talking to him too. But you know Gaytrain, my guess is that regardless of the outcome its something that you should do. Right now fear and indecision is holding you back from finding the love and happiness you desperately deserve. You dont have to live hiding and second guessing what he'll think of you.

This can go two ways. You'll tell him. He'll shock you with an acceptance that I'm guessing wont ever be overly affectionate or emotional but an acceptance and desire to see you happy. Or it will be a screaming match that he says a lot of things he'll later regret and that you'll hate hearing.

The reality is, either way, he'll know. And you'll know that he knows. Thats whats killing you right now. The secret. Yes is approval is huge, but the chance of him finding out with you having any control in it is worse. Even if the worse happens, your choices will be clear. You will have the right to make choices and decisions that right now you feel you dont have control over. You can chose to live life the way you want to knowing that whats done is done.

Your life is so precious Gaytrain. Its up to you to grab it with both hands. Its up to you to break the shackles and let your heart be free and find the inner peace that you deserve.

People change mate. People mellow, values change. Parents are funny animals. There are always rules for children and rules for adults. Your the later now. Your life is yours. Its time for your Dad to see it that way too... and its time for you to be true to yourself.

Its a journey mate. And its one that you are never alone on. Remember that no matter what happens... you are never alone -we are always here.

 

[OptimalOptimus]

You are holding yourself back by not telling him. Be the bigger man and tell him how it is, how it's gonna be, and you dont' care if he likes it or not. that's how i said it to my mother. i told her if she didn't like it that was too bad. she'd just have to get over it. Beucase that is the way i am. And years later she's learing to accept that.

 

[rareboy]

Just to really, really piss him off, I'd tell my father. (if he'd ever behaved that way with me) (He didn't)

I'd actually do it in front of a group of people, telling them that he had beat the crap out of me and of his threat about the living in a box under a bridge. I'd tell him he didn't scare me anymore. And then walk out the door. Either way, he'd get to live with humiliation and rejection until he breathed his last sorry breath.

Or, you could write and tell him, including the part about how badly he wounded your soul and psyche, but that you're not afraid of him anymore and have embraced your sexuality. And that you forgive him.

I think you have to tell him the truth about yourself. I think you might still need some counselling support before you do this, because I don't get the impression that you are at ease with yourself or that you aren't still frightened of this man.

Once you make it clear that his hold over you is broken, I think you'll be able to move on and have a healthy, happy life.

About the sex thing? You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. If you always are afraid of a break-up or rejection or anything, you'll be paralyzed. Take the chance. If there is a connection deeeper than a quick shag, you'll both know it.

 

[StlKj]

How about taking this approach--assume your father knows, and just go on with your life not needing to provide him with any details?

He found you putting on nail polish and your mother's heels; do you really think it's not been in the back of his mind ever since? Especially if you've given him no reason to believe you're heterosexual since then.

As someone above said, what do you hope to gain by telling him? Do you want him to grab you, hug you, and be happy he has a gay son? Do you want him to get angry, attack you, throw you out and never speak to you again? What reaction are you hoping to get here?

Do you just need to tell him so that you can stand on your own as a gay adult male without shame? It seems to me your father isn't the key to you letting go of your shame, you are.

Why not just live your life honestly with yourself, and in time, perhaps he'll catch up once he's fully accepted what he already knows about you?

 

[TygreBryte]

Lots of good responses on this thread. It made me so sad to read about your dad telling you you'd be "living in a box under a bridge somewhere." I'd be scared if I were you too.

When I read what you've put down, I get the feeling that the most important thing for you to do is deal with the shame you feel, that seems to come from your dad's response. I think you're right in your intuition that that kind of "hesitation" to engage with your life that shame brings from within may very well get in the way of developing a real rewarding soul-to-soul relationship.

I'm not at all sure that your dad will ever be in a position to help you with that, so I'm sort of voting with the "counseling" crowd. I am not sure that without you gaining more inner confidence that any of the proposed reactions to dad -- many of which have a variety of merits, depending on the context -- will actually help you progress much at all.

It seems pretty clear that guys at least can sort sexual activity into at least two really broad categories: sex "for fun" and sex "with" or "for" love. I definitely see that sex with/for love is the goal of plenty of guys on JUB and elsewhere, but I personally think sex "for fun" is A-OK, so long as you respect yourself and your partners, don't get so swallowed in shame that you do "just anything"... remember, it's *for fun,* right? So if it's not "fun," then you're not doing it right, right? And if it's not fun because you're not happy in yourself, then it's OK to take a break (as others have suggested).

You sound like a good guy. I hope you find a strong way out of these dilemmas.

 

[naughtypiscesboi84]

My dad still doesn't really believe it. He knows I'm attracted to girls, mainly. So he just thinks my bisexuality is just... well, I dunno what he believes it is. Since he's never seen me with a guy, and has no idea how much I like to flirt with guys on message boards like this, I guess he really doesn't have any reason to believe I'm really bi. I suppose if I brought home a guy and started making out in front of my dad, he'd have to believe. But I really doubt I'd ever do that anyway. lol

 

[mascbiguy]

i remember one time when i was littler he walked in on me painting my nails in my mother's heels, and he hit me upside the face w/ his belt and tried to beat the gay out of me. he said he "wasn't raising no faggots" and that if he ever saw something like that again i'd be living in a box under a bridge somewhere. he even went so far as to say that my sister had "a bigger dick" than me. again, his words not mine. i have been totally discreet ever since.

That sounds a little American Beauty to me...it's your choice if you want to tell him and his choice if he wants to accept you as you are or disown you. either way you shouldnt live in fear of that and not be able to fall in love with some one else.