my first relationship ended badly

[Shookone88]

I am mostly a lurker on these forums, but am looking for some help right now.

I graduated from highschool in 2006 and spent a year at the university in my hometown. While I was at my first year of college I met this man over the internet and he became my friend. I could no longer live at my mother's house, or at my dad's house - because of the alcohol and how they treated me. I made the decision to move away as soon as possible so that I would not have to stay in those living conditions anymore.

I left my job as well as the university, and moved away. My boyfriend took me in and let me live at his house. I was 19 and he was 51 (If you're wondering, I'm attracted to older men. just always been that way for me.).

Everything was okay for awhile. I stopped taking my SSRI medication and balanced out because I finally realized there were good people in this world that treated eachother like humans. I started going to the local community college and started my own business on the side so that I could pay for my expenses.

One day I looked at my boyfriend's cell phone and found text messages. They said something to the extent of "Can't wait to have your cock in my mouth". I confronted him about it and he said it was only for play, it was "like porn to him." I told him that I don't like any of it and he should stop, and he said he would.

One day one of his previous friends moved into the house with us. We were all just buds living the life. About 9 months into the period of time his friend moved in, I logged onto my boyfriend's computer to see his chat messages right in my face. He and our roomate were talking about arranging times for sex while I was gone at class or asleep. The chats said things such as "When do you want head? Nick is asleep right now. We can go to my bedroom but the door doesn't have a lock on it."

I nearly lost it and told him and the roomate off, I was so mad. I wanted to move out. But he came back apologizing. He said they never did anything, even though I could tell he was lying right to my face. Like an idiot, I ended up staying with him. The roomate moved out.

Over the course of the next 2 years, the text messages, emails, chats - all those incidents happened over and over. Countless times.

I recently started a new full-time job that requires a long commute. I've been spending a large amount of time away from home.. Last week I had a look at his new phone - his camera roll was full of photos of his cock, videos of him jerking off, photos of other guys, videos from other guys jerking off, sex chats, you name it. He's been talking to all of his old hookups, including the roomate, and has been using the GPS locating gay dating app for hooking up. I finally said to myself that I would not take this crap anymore.

I am just in tears right now because I thought I had somebody that loved me when I realize all of these years I have just been one of his boys on the side. There isnt anybody that hugs me or gives me affection and I wanted that from him and he never did

What hurts the most is that i told him i am moving out and after i looked at his phone one more time, he just continues to send pics of his cock and chats to other guys like he doesnt care. he told me he only likes guys ages 18-22 so i feel like he just used me for what I was and tossed me out for the next guy.

I guess i put this all on myself for staying with him so long, hoping I could be with him and trust him someday

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry that you were in such a shitty relationship.

Not all older guys are like that. You're obviously better off without him.

 

[landers]

Some good can come from this, as long as you learn from the experience. My best friend went through something similar a few years ago, constant and unapologetic cheating on the part of his boyfriend. Since that relationship ended, he's made much better choices about significant others and friends and become much less tolerant of bullshit. It was an incredibly painful experience but in the end it made him a better person.

 

[SL1986]

So sorry to hear that. Now you know. You learn from your mistakes and hope to not make it agin in the future. You gave him too many chances. I would of only gave him one extra chance only. Their are better people out there like the others said.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's that saying about "Life is a journey, not a destination".

The same is true of some relationships.

It sounds like this guy was there at a time in your life when you needed him. You've gotten your life together. You're in a better place now than when you moved in.

Given the circumstance, it's time you moved on. This guy is no longer providing what you need. Decide what you're looking for, move on with your life and don't look back.

 

[Seasoned]

You have been dealt a bad hand from the beginning starting with your parents. I am sorry that you have had all that pain. You are in the category of ACOA, Adult Child Of an Alcoholic. I'm one too and we have special characteristics that are detrimental until we learn to work them to our advantage. Your ex partner may very well be a sex addict. As ACOAs we are programed to an attraction to addicts. It may be time for individual or group therapy, but, at the very least, get to the self-help section of a bookstore and browse those ACOA titles. You'll be quite surprised at how it will hit home.

I'm sorry for the loss, pain and broken trust in your life. It will get better as you gain insight into the effect your background has upon your attractions and choices. I'm always here at the other end of a pm (except for Wednesday-till I feel better, following neck surgery).

I'm convinced from your drive and your tone that you will find what you are looking for. ACOAs are survivors. Wishing you all the best and you will find that guy who will hold you, believing he's in heaven. Self-care is the order of the day!

 

[Shookone88]

Yes, i think I made some posts about my parents in the past here on JUB. I honestly feel like I have been through some of the worst things anybody could ever imagine. I'm not trying to prove a point or say I've suffered more than anybody else, but I can say my childhood is definitely up there on that list. I still have nightmares about it and I wish they'd stop.

I have never, EVER witnessed any alcoholic worse than my dad. It has literally altered his brain and motor skills so much that he can hardly function in society, or reason with anyone. I worry about how his body is holding up, his liver...I have noticed his memory is getting bad too.

On the upside, I have never touched a drop of alcohol in my life because it honestly scares the shit out of me.

Whenever I see this one beer billboard on my way to work my stomach always turns. I just think about how all these corporations are profiting from other people's misery.

 

[racer2438]

sorry it ended bad, and you will find someone better to treat you right. Just move on, remember what you learned.

But one thing that strikes me as odd, is you snooped into his private things. That opened a can of worms.
he never respected you, that is plain to see. He was a loser, and in time you will find another good guy.

But keep your snooping in check. We have been together for 26+ yrs, and not once did i have to snoop in my honey's phone,text, emails, or sites. As this just comes off as a very insecure person.

 

[castoono]

I honestly feel like I have been through some of the worst things anybody could ever imagine. I'm not trying to prove a point or say I've suffered more than anybody else, but I can say my childhood is definitely up there on that list. I still have nightmares about it and I wish they'd stop.

There is one point of no return, which will make you stronger. That point where you resign about what you can expect from others around you, and you stick up to yourself and try to improve what's best for you, you give up being a victim, and become a self-made man. If anybody wants you, let them fight for you and deserve to be with you. If you cannot expect a good thing of them, f them. You deserve better, you deserve much better. But that's life.