My friend's BF is cheating

[LuckysRevenge]

I have seen guys for years from behind the bar who loved the IDEA of having sex with lots of men but never followed through with it. They liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the catch and probably a whole lot of other things I didn't tune in to...and then it was curtains...

So...I don't agree with what you did at all. You didn't have sex with him and despite what he told you he may not have gone through with it. I watched this happen in person but from what I hear about the internet hookups and the "flakes" that everyone today is always complaining about...it just seems a lot more common these days as you have the safety of the computer screen to hide behind....

This reminds me of planting evidence and convicting someone of something he didn't do.

If your friend is happy about this....I guess you got the result you wanted. I think you did them both a disservice.

It's not about the act of cheating. It's about the deceit.

 

[dereperez]

I have seen guys for years from behind the bar who loved the IDEA of having sex with lots of men but never followed through with it. They liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the catch and probably a whole lot of other things I didn't tune in to...and then it was curtains...

So...I don't agree with what you did at all. You didn't have sex with him and despite what he told you he may not have gone through with it. I watched this happen in person but from what I hear about the internet hookups and the "flakes" that everyone today is always complaining about...it just seems a lot more common these days as you have the safety of the computer screen to hide behind....

This reminds me of planting evidence and convicting someone of something he didn't do.

If your friend is happy about this....I guess you got the result you wanted. I think you did them both a disservice.

I see where you are coming from, but I disagree. As the friend, the OP's loyalty is to his friend, not the boyfriend. He is helping his friend and saving him from potential heartbreak. The fact that the boyfriend was online looking around for potential hook-ups, whether or not he followed through on his hunting sprees, is cause for concern on his mental fidelity. Lying is even worse than cheating, in my book. And his ex-bf was definitely lying about what he was doing on his computer. He was not just skyping and facebooking "friends".

 

[Disturbance]

I have seen guys for years from behind the bar who loved the IDEA of having sex with lots of men but never followed through with it. They liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the catch and probably a whole lot of other things I didn't tune in to...and then it was curtains...

So...I don't agree with what you did at all. You didn't have sex with him and despite what he told you he may not have gone through with it. I watched this happen in person but from what I hear about the internet hookups and the "flakes" that everyone today is always complaining about...it just seems a lot more common these days as you have the safety of the computer screen to hide behind....

This reminds me of planting evidence and convicting someone of something he didn't do.

If your friend is happy about this....I guess you got the result you wanted. I think you did them both a disservice.

Lucky and dereperez reasoned the same way I have. It was a breach of trust, that put my friend in a bad position.
He lied to my friend several times, which doesn't inspire trust. If he isn't trustworthy, he is dangerous (unprotected sex). It isn't my place to judge wheter they should break up or not, and I didn't, but I allowed my friend to make a decision based on information he would have never learned otherwise.

 

[Seasoned]

You made a decision that some agree with while others do not. That's pretty much how life works and you have the ability to make choices. The issue here can be codependency and it's extra scary if you're doing it on behalf of someone else. Your friend needs to learn how relationships develop and when it's appropriate to trust at a 100% level. If you wish to be helpful to your friend, you could spend time and energy trying to instill that in him.

Again, there's a big difference to you as to how you found this guy to be a player. It's one thing if it was by accident, it's another, if it was by spying and entrapment. Fine, if it was by accident. If it was deliberate, I'd advise you to live your own life and let your friend live his. So far, all he's learned is that you discovered his new boyfriend is a douchebag. We can only hope that next time he'll be able to be more discerning on his own.

 

[eastofeden]

Lucky and dereperez reasoned the same way I have. It was a breach of trust, that put my friend in a bad position.
He lied to my friend several times, which doesn't inspire trust. If he isn't trustworthy, he is dangerous (unprotected sex). It isn't my place to judge wheter they should break up or not, and I didn't, but I allowed my friend to make a decision based on information he would have never learned otherwise.

He may actually be everything you said he is...but you are playing God with someone else's relationship. If your friend asked you to play detective then perhaps that would be different. I am not convinced that the motives here are noble. This comes from years of experience and watching "helpful people" help others in their relationship. If you wanted to find out who is lying in every relationship you could have a full time job...perhaps you would be well suited for a career as a Private Investigator?

 

[sixthson]

It's not about the act of cheating. It's about the deceit.

Agreed. Even if he has not followed through with it yet, he is greasing the slide and increasing the odds he will cheat. Even if he never does, he is being unfaithful in other ways.

There is no easy answer to this, however. But if they are having unprotected sex and who knows what has happened with others, the friend was at increased risk. I vote for protecting the friend.

 

[palbert]

....
There is no easy answer to this, however. But if they are having unprotected sex and who knows what has happened with others, the friend was at increased risk. I vote for protecting the friend.

Agree.

 

[Disturbance]

He may actually be everything you said he is...but you are playing God with someone else's relationship. If your friend asked you to play detective then perhaps that would be different. I am not convinced that the motives here are noble. This comes from years of experience and watching "helpful people" help others in their relationship. If you wanted to find out who is lying in every relationship you could have a full time job...perhaps you would be well suited for a career as a Private Investigator?

I can live with your opinion. And even if I played God, I don't think that would be a problem, if it benefits people.

Being a private investigator sounds fun. But for now, I have other matters to attend to.

 

[eastofeden]

I can live with your opinion. And even if I played God, I don't think that would be a problem, if it benefits people.

That is dangerous territory IMO...playing God doesn't always end well ...

...but I can live with your opinion too .

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I can live with your opinion. And even if I played God, I don't think that would be a problem, if it benefits people.

Being a private investigator sounds fun. But for now, I have other matters to attend to.

Hopefully this is my last post here.
While I think you helped your friend out in this instance, you're increasingly coming off as overbearing and overly involved. You are not his husband. You are not his mother.

Sometimes people need to make mistakes and learn for themselves. Now if this is someone you grew up with your entire life, maybe this is normal for you.

Otherwise, this is a great opportunity for you to examine and consider the flaws in your approach and attitude toward your friend and how that could adversely affect his growth and yours.

 

[Disturbance]

Hopefully this is my last post here.
While I think you helped your friend out in this instance, you're increasingly coming off as overbearing and overly involved. You are not his husband. You are not his mother.

Sometimes people need to make mistakes and learn for themselves. Now if this is someone you grew up with your entire life, maybe this is normal for you.

Otherwise, this is a great opportunity for you to examine and consider the flaws in your approach and attitude toward your friend and how that could adversely affect his growth and yours.

Exactly. But mistakes must be realized, if we want to achieve growth. That is where I helped him out, I think.

 

[Seasoned]

Thread has run it's course.