My head hurts!

[667211]

Right okay, I dont know why im doing this, ive been thinking about going to a therapist but this might work just as good.

Where to start..... hhmmm. Okay, i ill start by saying im confused or maybe frightened or actually, i just dont want to accept it! Im 21 and until recently ive always told people im straight and ive had girls before, not full intercourse, not because i didnt want to but things just never turned out or maybe it was sometimes due to anxiety in oder to perform. Anyway, ive done stuff with girls and always got hard, this was until recently. I began a new job at the age 19, i was happy to keep my feelings towards men a secret cause i liked being 'normal' an considering i could get it up for girls anyway, i thought, ill be straight.

However, at 19 i got a new job, a great job in fact and met some great friends, especially this one boy who i consider now as my best mate! During our work, we had a great summer, going out getting drunk, watching the football, getting more drunk and this lasted for about 6 months. Hes very good looking and straight or metro-sexual i should say, forgive me for bringing up stereotypes of gay people here but hes got a sensitive side which i think is why a lot of people an girls like him. He's into GAGA and musical films and many people do question hes gay but hes definitely not, just one of those guys who has a gay friend and always hung around in a mixture of girls and boys and until i met him i never had a gay friend.
Anyway, i was really becoming great friends with him and i even met a girl during this summer and there where many times we could have had sex but we never cause she was young and a virgin. I would see her on occasions bu when it came to her or if he was out in town then i would make an excuse to her an go with him. After summer ended he moved away to uni, which broke me, i suddenly felt horrible, something ive never felt an im one who usually never shows emotion but being with him for the summer brought out my sensitive side out and i hate it. Maybe this is why i have a problem!

I would go to visit him while he was there, more than our other friends did and he got a girl friend there and made some new mates, he was having a great time. He came back after 9 months and we were hanging out again, getting drunk etc and all the time he was away i couldnt stop thinking about him, i wasnt sure if it was just jealousy of him meeting new people, having a good time while im not there, maybe i was scared he ll forget me. Oh while he was away i did get into some girls an done stuff. However, things had changed. Now i got with girls who where eager to go all the way an something inside me didnt work, i couldnt get hard!! I wasnt interested! All the while i could pretend that i was straight an happily so, now i cant, i will have to go through the embarrassment of 'oh im not sure whats up, this has never happened to me before'! Jesus, this is not going to work.

An here is the problem, i cant stop thinking about him, he doesnt return a text i get so bothered about it or if he goes somewhere without me i become insanely jealous and start think 'why didnt he ask me?' Hes said he loves me (in a friend way of course) an before i met him ive never had a friend say that, until him my friend were all male and i liked the fact that he sees so much in friendship. I finally have a best friend!

Now i can see i really, really like him and its killing me! Where close and our friends put it down as bromance, which it is really, for him! But its getting to a point now were i cant stand not being by him or speaking to him and ive thought maybe ill leave speaking to him for abit or not see him but that never happens!! This is affecting my interest in our other friends because if hes not there then im not interested in going out for example.. Furthermore ive had a few run ins with girls an one recently were i was unable to perform an he and my friends know this cause i told them rather than the person talking behind my back and now im afraid they suspect my feelings or the way i am.

Jesus that was long, anyway theres more to it than that but the gist is, my head hurts, im depressed and i dont want to come out, EVER!! Ive never been in love an if this is it then i hope to god i never feel this way again!


I know im going to get comments about me being in the closet etc but frankly, i dont care. Ive been to gay clubs before an not to offend anyone by any means, im not into camp men, at all!. Im a masculine male myself an you couldnt tell if you just looked.

Will anyone think if i just went away from him for awhile ill get over it or speak to someone? This is really hard an thanks to anyone who has read all of this!

 

[evanrick]

forget all the labels. be yourself. accept yourself. he will too.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi 667211,

First of all, welcome to JUB, and feel free to ask as much questions as you would like.

I feel very sorry that you head is hurting so much and that you feel yourself very confused.

So you have that big crush for your best friend, and you don't want to tell anyone you have sexual feelings towards males.

Do you have any clues if your best friend (or any of your other friends) are homofobes? I tend to think, based on what you have told us, that you best friend is very accepting towards queer people.

And you told us:

Ive been to gay clubs before (..) im not into camp men, at al. Im a masculine male myself.

Would you mind to tell us a bit more why "gay = camp" and "masculine = straight"? What's the opinion of your best friend about this topic? Who told you that all gay males are camp? And who told you that all straight guys are masculine?

Do you happen to have other reasons to stay in the closet forever? Are you raised in a very homofobe family? Are all of your other friends relifundis and/or homofobes?

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best, I hope you will have a nice weekend, take your time, think about it.

Feel free to react, or to ask other questions.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. You're not alone with the issue you describe. Actually it's quite common for closeted guys to have hopeless crushes on best friends. I give you my take on why I think that happens. I think it's simply the easiest way out. It's sort of a no fuss, no mess, no work way of having a relationship. If this were possible for you and him you'd be able to have everything you want and need ready-made without the stress of coming out, dating, etc. Typically, in order for growth to occur, some struggle must happen.

My advice is to enlist him as an ally, take a deep breath and get out in the world to live your life. Fantasy is for shut-ins. Good luck to you.

 

[667211]

Hi thanks for all the replies.

I would say that i was brought up in a homofobe way, however ive always suspected that my brother, sister an mother have all thought i was gay.

My best friend is very open to gay people and the problem for me is, he finds out im gay an he starts to treat me differently or see me differently, which i know he may not just, i dont want him to know i have a crush on him!!

Its not that i see camp as gay, its just that im not into camp gays and i mainly see that on a night out and hes already dealt with one friend of his and mine that came out a few years ago and they are very good friends. My main problem i suppose, thinking about it, is acceptance! But ive played this 'straight' role for so long that i dont want to be the centre of gossip or treated differently.

And thanks for all the advice you have all gave, its giving me a chance to ponder.

P.S- had one of my best girl mates come out an tell me she has feeling for me tonight and i had to let her down, to see her cry kills me as i would so desperately be there if i had any interest at all, but now cause of my crush, i have no feeling towards girls now. It seems such a chore.

 

[epod85]

You seem a tad unsure yourself on the whole issue so perhaps the best way to figure things out is to go out and play. Find out what you really like and whether or not being with a guy is what you want. Once you have that figured out you can worry about coming out or not. Just remember to play safe.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's two problems. One that you can resolve and the other that will be much more difficult to resolve.

You're attracted to men. At least at this point in your life. This is something that you can explore and it's something that you can come to terms with. You can find out where you are on that broad range between heterosexual and homosexual- there are plenty of people who are somewhere between the two.

The feelings that you have for your friend are going to be much more difficult to deal with. If your friend were gay (or at least willing to explore his sexuality) there might be a chance of something more coming out of the situation. The fact that he identifies as straight pretty much makes him off limits to you- at least in a romantic/sexual way.

This may be a time that you need to put some physical and emotional distance between you and your friend. If you want to be try to preserve the friendship, you can offer some vague explanation such as "I have some stuff going on right now and I need some time to deal with it".

If you can't get your feelings in perspective, you may need to see a therapist and try to sort this out for your own sanity.

 

[667211]

This is actually some good advice thanks. Maybe i will go an explore, see what its about an such. Now the problem maybe to find someone, an im a very picky person, especially towards guys. I think im only attracted to straight men, is that weird?

Yeah i have been thinking about keeping my distance from him for abit but everytime ive tried i just found myself talking to him on facebook an its so hard but now considering he just got into a relationship, i think it ll make it easier for me to keep my distance from him an clear my head an have fun..

 

[TX-Beau]

OK I'll say bluntly what a couple of people have hinted at.

It's very common for closeted guys who have issues with homosexuality and themselves to obsess on unobtainable straight guys.

I think there are several factors involved. One, proximity, if you're never around any gay men how are you ever going to find one to experiment with?

Which I'm afraid is where the easy ends.

Second - it's safe. You know nothing will ever happen, you know you will never be put in a position where you will have to confront it. There is no risk, no gamble, no confirmations of things you probably don't want to confirm, and no need to ever ever ever tell anyone - until you get so obsessed telling him seems like some kind of good idea.

Third, gay men are well, gay. Getting attached to one of them runs the risk that at some point he's going to try to take your pants off (if you're lucky) and then you have crisis point. Plus he's gay, that's not something that you want to associate with you.

Now it's certainly possible that you don't have all that internalized homophobia in your head, but from what you're saying, it's likely that you do. You hit all the markers - you present yourself as a "masculine," man - no one in here cares, so why are you bringing that up (what do you mean by that anyway?) You've been to "gay" clubs and "don't want to offend anyone" but you don't like "camp," - again so what there are plenty of non camp guys in gay bars you must have missed them, you insist no one would ever guess about you since obviously you are so far from obviously gay (which means what exactly?) We all said that crap (or at least a lot of us did). Why are you telling us this? Because you want to make sure none of us associate you with gay, which you are associating with effeminate faggotry in a derogatory fashion.

Which is also normal, most of us started out there to one degree or another, but luckily got over.

 

[KaraBulut]

im a very picky person, especially towards guys. I think im only attracted to straight men, is that weird?

It's very common for closeted guys who have issues with homosexuality and themselves to obsess on unobtainable straight guys. ....Second - it's safe. You know nothing will ever happen, you know you will never be put in a position where you will have to confront it.

^This.
......................

 

[667211]

I do have gay an lesbian friends and i do at least once a week go to a gay club because thats were most of my friends go, who are straight. Bu yeah you are right in the fact that its getting to obsession point since i wrote this post ive been thinking about tell him an a few friends but now hes got into a relationship i think maybe (hopefully) that my feelings will ease.

I think when i got back to uni ill try a gay club, have a few drinks an see whats what an if anything happens then ill try it out an see how i feel then.