My internal struggle.

[lunarus]

As hard as it may seem now, just imagine what it would feel like if anything happened to your mother and you never told her about yourself.

She still loves you and will I hope one day come around and not be disappointed in you just because you are gay.

There are other things in a child's life to be disappointed about, like them dealing drugs, stealing, abusing others.

Being gay should not be one of them sorry.

Give her time. You did the right thing.

And this may sound harsh but you really need to stop basing your life on how she will react. I'm not being mean really.

 

[willsp18]

Your post is very interesting. I feel like your coming out to your mother gives readers of this post who still remain in the closet a dose of reality. Your experience with your mom lets them know that its not all roses and hugs, which they should already know by now. But whats most perpelexing is your guilt. It seems that you feel guilty for coming out to your mom. I feel like your only going to continue to feel conflicted if your thoughts remain on her reaction and her interactions with you throughout this past year. Have you talked to her about this internal struggle? I know you love your mom, and i think you should talk to her about how you feel.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Individuals are complex, and relationships are complex.
It seems you own her sadness as if it is your own. Why is that? If she thinks you are that unhappy, and she probably senses it, it must make her even sadder.

Have you sought professional counseling. It all sounds a lot like depression, detachment and loneliness. But it is too complicated to tell from this distance. A face to face with an insightful and caring therapist may help. What is there to lose.
Shep+

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Marc, I feel for you because I think your dilemma is more common than many realize.

The ones who feel a sense of relief, and the proverbial burden off the shoulders, have two things going for them that you don't: They really wanted to come out, and (most importantly), the person(s) they came out to were very supportive. In these cases, there tends not to be much, if any, negative energy like sorrow, disappointment, or anger. Where negative energy IS the result of coming out, then the person coming out feels, as you do, foolish, naive, and often worse than they did before.

I suspect you're as sorry you're gay as your mother is. Perhaps your relationship is so close, even, that you share common feelings about these real issues. Perhaps even you feed off each other and reinforce these feelings, negative as they are. This is pretty common with people who share particularly close bonds and are related by blood.

So, how do you work your way of it? I think the first thing you do is find a good therapist who specializes in coming out issues and these issues vis-a-vis family dynamics. I would hope that this person would help you untangle your feelings from your perception of your mother's; would help you accept and feel good about yourself (e.g., despite your mother's disappointment, you're still a good guy); and, three, help you reconcile these conflicting needs of being out and being closeted at the same time. I suspect that if you tackle the first two issues, the third will come naturally and be obvious to you.

I wish that everyone in the world who talks about homosexuality as a "choice" would read your post. Why on earth would anyone "choose" the torment you feel? This is not a choice. It's just part of you, just like everything else that makes up you. Learning to accept and love yourself is difficult. But, doing so will make you a whole lot happier.

Good luck. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

 

[grady26]

I think most parents when finding out a son or daughter is gay feel a bit of disappointment. They have come to realize that there will be no grandchildren from the son/daughter who has just come out to them.

There is always hope that parents will realize that you are the same person they loved the day before you told them and will hope you find the happiness that they would hope for any of their children.

 

[Soilwork]

OK... I'm a bit confused.

How does staying in the closet make you a rebel?

 

[gameboy 11]

I think you just need to get over yourself, find a nice man to fuck and bond with, and ultimately just live your life.

You've spent way too much time analyzing this shit to the ground and back. Just be happy that you still exist, and along the way, make some people (besides yourself), happy.

Nothing to it really. ;-)

 

[Kyanimal]

Hey, Marc!

From what I've read in your other posts, You seem to be a Very Conservative Guy! You seem to be "Up Tight" about a lot of aspects of Life. To me, at least, You seem to have some trouble with "letting things go".

My advice would be, try to not be so SERIOUS about Life! Afterall, None of Us are going to survive it, anyway!

This "Trip", that we've all been given, is a Gift!, for the time being, and is a "Journey"! It's not about the Destination! It's about the "Trip" itself!

There are no Rules! There are no Pluses, or Minuses! There is no one "Watching", or keeping "Score"! Our LIVES are what we choose to make of them! We are our Own Judges/Taskmasters! And, We don't have a heck of a lot of time to make our "Best" of it! Our own Constraints are exactly That ... our Own!

I can understand, appreciate, and respect your Mom's feelings! But, the main question should be, what do YOU want?

Relax! "Give In!" And FREE Youself! The World will not come to a screaching halt! YOU have the Power to follow Your desires! Everything You need, to reach Your full Potential, is within You! If only You are willing to let it "out"! To let "IT" roam Free! Without any constrictions!

This isn't really about your Mom! It's about YOU, and what You truly Feel!
Don't be afraid of That! Let "it" Loose! OWN "It"! "IT" is You, and You are "IT"!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[hanshansen]

I can sort of relate to where you are coming from.

I talked to my father about my sexuality several months ago. I'm not exactly sure now what I expected from doing so. I think I had this feeling of guilt about hiding something important from my parents, who I love very much, and I suppose I also hoped that it would be liberating in some way. Most of all, I was very scared of telling my father, and I didn't want to feel like a coward. It became a test of my courage. In the event, it was a very strange experience. He was very philosophical ('sexuality is hugely overrated') and gave me relationship advice. But he also told me about these bisexual people in my family who had found wonderful wives, said that if I 'yielded in that direction' having a family would be one of the sacrifices I would have to make, and said I needn't tell my mother, although of course I could if I wanted to (I ended up not doing so). So there was not really any sense of closure. Unlike yours, my relationship with my parents is the same as it ever was (probably better, because I'm happier in general), but we have never talked about this since, in some way it never happened.

I also still feel very conflicted. I live in a 'progressive' environment (very much so by US standards). But I also know that none of my friends, even the most liberal ones, would want to be gay themselves. I know that at some level they think that gay sex is at best weird (and so do I, to be honest). I would hate to be defined by my sexuality, I'm afraid that people would take me less seriously or pity me or try really hard to be nice, and that it would reduce my options.

Those are all the fears.

Two strategies that I have started to follow for dealing with this, and two questions.

You talk about living in opposition to your inner being and that your inner conflicts are 'emotionally taxing, to say the least'. Your sexuality is there as a fact. Do you think that you not being comfortable with it could eventually prevent you from achieving what you want to achieve in other areas of your life? If so, that should go a long way towards resolving any moral conflicts you might have. It would be terrible if you became neurotic and depressed and fucked up your career and your relationships as a result. Your sexuality is just not that important that hiding or repressing it should come at that cost. That was something I realised one night a few weeks ago, and it has helped convince me that I have a duty to myself to face my sexual issues and work at becoming comfortable with myself (as hard as that is). It may also be a way of selling your 'coming out' to other people, should you decide to do so.

Along the lines of what others have said, you need to feel like a good person after your mother is no longer alive.

I also think one should see how far one can go in being honest and doing what one wants to do without having to declare one's sexuality to other people. For example, the other week my mother asked me if I had seen Brokeback Mountain. I said I had, she asked me what I thought about it, and I gave her my honest opinion (The Ice Storm with homosexuals). She wanted to see it and I told her I had the DVD. That was good. The other night I said to my flatmate I had been to a stage production of Angels in America with a gay friend of mine (actually no, I said I had been persuaded by a gay friend to go). He asked me what I thought of it. That was also good, more or less. On the other hand, when I was at this production with my friend, I noticed I was being aloof and uptight, because I didn't want anyone to think that we were boyfriends. That was not so good. I guess what I mean by all this is - it should be possible to push boundaries and explore what you are comfortable with, until you reach a point where coming out to other people feels like genuinely the right thing to do in the circumstances.

How do your female colleagues relate to your lesbian colleague? Is there some bad vibe on their part (however subtle)? How would you being out at the office be different from her being out? Would the occasional ignorant remark bother you? (I have no openly gay colleagues.)

Why did you originally come out to your mother?