My Life and Sex

[chrisdobro]

So here's my life story of ... not entire life but a part of it. More like a 10 year part.

So I was a horny boy. I lived in Russia and had some gay sexual experiences here and there. . . When I was 15 I moved to United States, and lived there ever since. For the first 3 years I did not have any encounters of sexual nature. Most likely attributed to the move, the new culture, learning language, etc. Then I finally snapped out of it and went to a gay bar.

My first gay bar outing was new to me. I pretty much stood in one place for a while until I got acclimated. Then one of the guys, talked to me. Later we went out on a date. The date was nice, sometimes awkward, sometimes interesting, sometimes exciting. Due to some circumstances, the relationship ended a few weeks later later.

In my second outing to the bar, which was a week after first outing, I met a guy, I talked to him. He invited me over, I visited him a few times, etc. Then he kinda sorta seduced me, and I suppose I kinda sorta wanted to be seduced. We had sex two weeks after we first met. Then I started visiting him more and more, and then I just moved in with him. I was interested in him more as a friend than a lover and I tried a few times to break the relationship off. But something kept pulling me back and back, so I came back each time after the break-off or even a break-up. Once or twice I took all my stuff and moved back home. Only to come back to the guy later.

I was 18 at the time I've met the guy. We became partners, and 10 years later we are still partners. He is 30-something years older than me.

I often get this recurring fantasy and desire:
when I was 18 I was a really horny guy. I wanted someone my age to play with and experience things like sex, intimacy, love and touching. Since I was 18 then, pretty much any kind of way and venue and opportunity and pretty much any guy was open to me. I wanted to see and feel how it felt like to be with a guy. I was coming out then and wanted to be there in a group of guys my own age and play, have sex, and experiment. My age because we would be on a similar grounds of experience, and 18 is a special sort of age where the sexuality busts out, out of you and feelings of love and intimacy are particularly intense and present.

I have missed that stage that I've just described. The stage of youthful innocence and wicked desire. I spent it with a guy who was 30 years older than me. Sex and intimacy was there, although I somehow feel that they were different than the ones I could have experienced in my fantasy. I sometimes regret that I didn't have the strength or something to get out and try the way of being 18. I wonder if my life would been any different than it is now.

I dunno. Maybe I skipped a lot of bullshit that young guys go through at that age, by being with an older guy who with his experience and established life shielded me from a lot of stuff I may have had to deal with had I been on my own or with someone my age at that time. But maybe I've also missed the kind of feelings that you'd only get with someone who's that young and on your level. Feelings like intense intimacy, caring for each other, the more or less innocent exploration of each other's bodies, feeling and seeing the love in each other's eyes! A different kind of mind space. A different kind of desire, a much closer intimate kind of bond. Knowing each other inside and out and have no limits when it comes to his body, your body, intimacy and sex. In a word, pure awesomeness!

I tried going back to that stage, thinking that maybe I will get to experience it the way I wanted it to experience. However, now, 18 guys are very hard to get for my age group. Or maybe I am not trying hard enough or right enough. And I am not in the 18 age group myself now, and I wonder if that can make things different. I wonder if I am damaged goods now. If that damaged me...

I feel that in some ways I am still in that 18 age group and I haven't quited moved on. I clutched onto my feelings when I was 18 and have not released them since. I am awkward when I'm with 18 group and not quite there with my age group. I have released some of my feelings due to missing that age, but not all of them. I want things to be happy again and innocent and hot and sexy.

Sometimes I wished I'd move on after having sex with that guy. But I stayed. If he was my age then, I probably wouldn't complain and wouldn't put this post up. Maybe I'd complain about something else instead. But, had I stopped the relationship after having sex with him that first time, something else would have been in store for me later. What ? If that'd be having a bunch of one night stands, well, I don't know, maybe I'd like that, but then maybe not. Because ideally my fantasy was to find a guy I really liked, get acclimated and acquianted with him, and then have awesome sex and intimacy and desire with him and live with him happily ever after.

Thanks for listening. Some lines in this post were affected due to my proper sex&intimacy-starved vision. Feel free to take that in consideration. I hope that you can shine some light on my predicament. I will be interested in hearing personal stories and recollections. Specifically I wonder what the possibilities could have had been for me had I not stayed with the 30+ guy and went ahead chasing someone my age. I'd like to think that I'd find my hot prince charming and we'd share this kind of special bond, the head space, the intimacy and incredible feeling of safety with each other and have incredible experiences together, like sex and love and bond and all Feeling like you could give everything up for that person. Although I may have taken this far and I don't know if that could really have happened, I feel that there was a possibility for it, at least potentially !

And also, I will be interested in seeing any solid-based advice, if you have any, on my situation. And you can practice tough love, soft love or any other technique you may have on me. I may need all of them. And maybe I can still save myself from myself and from going on like this indefinitely or worse yet even longer.

Wow, what a reflection !

 

[EvilForce]

Seems like you are indulging the grass is greener thought process. You are concentrating on what you may have missed. Could have had. Might have done. And more what if's.

For every decision you make their is an action and a reaction. It's the nature of life. When you choose, you not only accept a certain decision, but you reject other possibilities. You cannot have one without the other. This is where that grass is greener thought process comes from. Many situations look "better" from afar. Only once you have to deal with the consequences and realities of that other life, can you really understand the pros and cons.

Personally sounds to me like you have the 7 year itch, only slightly delayed.

 

[KaraBulut]

It seems like this territory has been covered but never gets resolved.

 

[MainEntry]

Be grateful for the love, romance and intimacy you actually have. Take each day as a wonderful gift. Maybe when you are 60 and your life partner has passed on you'll be a slut! Or not.

 

[Lube]

Seems like you are indulging the grass is greener thought process. You are concentrating on what you may have missed. Could have had. Might have done. And more what if's.

No matter what path you would have chosen, you would have hated parts of it, and it would have definitely not been perfect.

You are letting your fantasy become too life like, fantasies are just that, fantasies. They cannot happen in real life, no sexual encounter could have been as perfect as you envisioned.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Don't look back, look forward.

You think you have it bad? A lot of men in denial don't have their first gay sex until their 40's or 50's or later.

Sure, maybe you missed something, but it would never be anywhere near as perfect as you envision it.

But you don't say how old you are, or what has happened to your partner?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Seems like you are indulging the grass is greener thought process. You are concentrating on what you may have missed. Could have had. Might have done. And more what if's.

No no, it's much deeper than that. I know exactly how chrisdobro feels.

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you speak of.

 

[rareboy]

Fast forward a couple of years and you are still playing the same tune. Go back and read thread after thread that you've started on this same subject.

People have written reams of advice on your situation.

Yearning and regrets; stuck with the same guy and not getting as much sex as you want.

You're not 18.

That ship has sailed.

You don't seem to have the willpower to get out of this relationship or to rewrite the rules together to permit you to go out and fuck anyone you want to.

Time to fish or cut bait.

You can't spend the next 20 years of your life trawling for sympathy and advice on a relationships board.

 

[G-Lexington]

You've read all the literature available on how to ride a bicycle. You've checked the bicycle all over for any possible defects. You've told us how you envision riding the bike.

Just ride the damn thing already.

Lex

 

[chrisdobro]

Wow, nice Lex.

I had to think about it for a while...

To go ahead with the analogy,
I haven't checked out the bicycle for possible defects. I don't actually have a bicycle. I see a lot of other bicycles and they look nice, yet it doesn't mean that I will be able to ride one, or that the bike will respond well to me, or that I won't end up with a lemon of a bike.

Envisioning to ride the bike may also be far from actually riding it. Like it was cool watching stakeboarders ride skateboards, but when I tried it, I fell from the board 3 times in a row. These things must take practice.

 

[KaraBulut]

Wow, nice Lex.

I had to think about it for a while...

To go ahead with the analogy,
I haven't checked out the bicycle for possible defects. I don't actually have a bicycle. I see a lot of other bicycles and they look nice, yet it doesn't mean that I will be able to ride one, or that the bike will respond well to me, or that I won't end up with a lemon of a bike.

Envisioning to ride the bike may also be far from actually riding it. Like it was cool watching stakeboarders ride skateboards, but when I tried it, I fell from the board 3 times in a row. These things must take practice.

Because it bears repeating:

Just ride the damn thing already.

 

[G-Lexington]

Yes, it's different. No matter how much you prepare, you'll be somewhat wobbly the first few times. You may even fall a couple times if you're not careful. But as you get practice, you can do it effortlessly.

So allow me once more to quote Kara who quoted me.

Just ride the damn thing already.

Lex

 

[chrisdobro]

To be honest, I don't feel the love on this forum.

I feel like rareboy is always out to get me on everything. I try to avoid posting sometimes because of that. Most other folks don't seem to project the kind of warmth that is particularly warm.

Perhaps folks are tired of my issue. Sometimes I use the board to just vent my frustrations. I guess this is not the place.

I don't feel like I should stay in a sexless relationship by cutting bait or go on a sexual escapade by riding the damn thing to hurt my partner and myself as a consequence.

I am going to counseling again. Please no comments "great, counseling will do good for you" :barf: It may not. It did not before. I am annoyed of your annoyance and seeming lack of understanding. It is not a simple problem, yet it's treated as one. Deciding whether to have anal or 69 is a simple problem.

I will try not to mention this issue on this board anymore. I feel that people are annoyed and tired of it. Maybe the love spirits will rebalance themselves. Or maybe I'll get more static for this message. I'll let things fall where they fall.

 

[rareboy]

I feel like rareboy is always out to get me on everything. I try to avoid posting sometimes because of that. Most other folks don't seem to project the kind of warmth that is particularly warm.

Totally unfair; why would I want to 'get' you on anything. Except I think I do get you....you are approaching your 30's, think you have missed out on a whole lot of stuff including banging a lot of hot young guys and have a bit of a Peter Pan syndrome. At the same time, you cannot or will not give up the material comforts that your partner provides.

As I said, go back and read your own threads on the very same subject over the past year or so. The story never changes because you never actually appear to do anything about the situation.

Perhaps folks are tired of my issue. Sometimes I use the board to just vent my frustrations. I guess this is not the place.

I don't feel like I should stay in a sexless relationship by cutting bait or go on a sexual escapade by riding the damn thing to hurt my partner and myself as a consequence.

So you see. The exercise was useful. You got advice. It helped you focus and understand yourself and your options better. You wanted something more, but frankly, there is no other advice to give because you've already received it.

If you're just wanting pity, then yes, I feel sorry for you and your partner.

However, I would agree that in your case, a trained therapist may be able to do more good than any of us ever could. You should take your partner with you. Talk to him. Instead of writing about him and your unhappiness with him on a message board.

I know that if I were in his position, I'd set you free in a minute.

 

[chrisdobro]

alright thanks

no, no pity necessary, thanks

 

[Letterbomb]

Yes, they just have their own way of helping people... Like Puritans used to put salt on the wounds.
Anyway.
I know that many guys will actually tell you that you have wasted these 10 years, and that there are so many experiences you could have shared with someone your age but which you didn't as he already collected these experiences; but that is total bullshit! If you love that man, you probably have experienced much more exiting stuff and emotional ta-dahs. So you have to learn to live the moment and not cry after your past, or worry about the future. Don't worry, be happy! Peace yo! And you totally have experienced many... nice things and stuff which require a more mature partner which we grasshoppers here will never understand until we reach the apogee of zen (that means from the moment our hair turns grey *lol).
God... What would I do without the intelligent sayings of my yoga teacher!

NB: Whoever wrote this, is an asshole.

 

[EvilForce]

Sitting around for months and years on end never making a decision one way or the other is really making a decision by default.

 

[G-Lexington]

As my friend once said, "Lex's problem is that when somebody says they want advice, he thinks they mean it."

Lex

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

At least you have a life. And sex.

 

[Lube]

Perhaps folks are tired of my issue. Sometimes I use the board to just vent my frustrations. I guess this is not the place.

As my friend once said, "Lex's problem is that when somebody says they want advice, he thinks they mean it."

I was involved with a woman who liked to whine, and asked for answers, but never acted on them. And continued to whine. And whine.

Maybe it feels good from that person's point of view, but shift your view 180 degrees.

It's a lot less interesting to us.

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

Oh, my GOD. (Lacey Chabert) I love that siggy.