My life from child until now.

[joesman]

Well yes. An open and honest and very interesting post. I read it all. Welcome, indeed.

And be happy. The roads can be long with so many opportunities to be had. Be positive and loving. You'll be fine. Keep us posted.

 

[dolidee]

So my post for today while be a milestone in my life.

After the anxiety attack in public at school i felt ashamed and hated myself, i even cried a couple of times when i was all alone at home. But like always i had my friend to chat with and he pulled me back out of it .

Friday was the big day for me, my 3th appointment with my shrink and a milestone for myself.
In a previous post i said my shrink told me that there was a period or situation in my life that blocked those feelings away. He began talking with me and brought freuds theory up. While he was explaining it something snapped in me and suddenly i knew it. I knew the reason why i blocked everything away since i was a kid. My body began to shiver and i got goosebumps. The shrink saw it and stopped talking so that i could talk.

the divorce between my parents was the moment when i kept everything for myself. I knew since i was 13 years old that i was atracted to boys. This was also the period when my parents told me they were getting a divorce. Something in me snapped at that age and i thought i was the one to blame for the divorce, so i kept my emotions for myself because i was ashamed for destroying their marriage. My shrink told me you can't understand how you felt as a child or think about your thought proces when you were a child.

After that moment i didn't show any emotions because i was so ashamed about being me, i was atracted to boys but i pushed it far away in my mind. I did this for 3 years but then i fell in the depression i told about. That was also the reason for my suicide attempt but i didn't know until now, i thought it was because i was gay but now i see it was only one part.

Not only was the divorce one reason but after they were seperated my father told my mother that he never wanted me and my twin brother, he only wanted my oldest brother and the younger one. My mother told me this and it made everything much worse for me.
My mother even made a contract with a notary that my father needed to sign so he wouldn't abandon me and my twin brother after the divorce. Until this day he still doesn't know that we know this.
The relation with my stepmother and stepfather made everything even worse for me in that period.

So a little recap: i knew about my sexuality and felt the blame for their divorce, my father didn't want me and stepmother and stepfather didn't want us. (How would any child react when you are in this kind of situation )

Another problem was that i grew up to fast because of the divorce. They discussed their problems with me (each seperate) but thats something you don't do with a child that is 13 years old. But because i felt guild i felt responsible to grow up faster than any child. All the arguments between them came through me and i was always in the middle. This went on for all the years i lived at home and the constant moving between two houses.

Now i know what a divorce can do to a child when they are young. This made me as the person i now am.

I learned to survive all on my own and to keep everything for myself but now i feel my wall crumbling down at this point and that is why i have so much anxiety attacks. All the emotions i build up in those 12 years need to come out and my shrink told me that it will take a long time before the wall is broken down completly. The first crack in the wall is made and water is pouring down.

I talked about this with my best girl friend and she even helped me about another subject. I once told her that i always feel bad when i see a happy couple walking together with their child or without a child. Its because i felt guilt about my own parents that i felt depressed when seeing happy couples.

ppffff, my head is on the verge of exploding now with all this information and i find it difficult to process all of this information.

Thanks again everyone for reading my life story and supporting me

Oli

 

[Craiger]

It sounds as though you are making good progress in understanding your situation. Your therapist and friend have helped and supported you through much of this and with their continued aid you will break those walls down quicker. I think the lesson you can take away from this is that no one is responsible for someone else's problems. The situations that arise for that person or persons is their allowance of some outward action to influence their emotions. Yet, as yourself, others are sensitive to those emotions and takes on the guilt of causing it. Your best bet is to remain calm and slowly and logically review all this information and not allow it to overwhelm you and your thinking.
Since you have told your step-mother and step-sister about this, it might be wise to consider confiding in your twin. I would hope he would be supportive. However, do that only when you truly feel comfortable enough. As always, my best to you, Oli.

Craiger

 

[dolidee]

Since you have told your step-mother and step-sister about this, it might be wise to consider confiding in your twin. I would hope he would be supportive. However, do that only when you truly feel comfortable enough. As always, my best to you, Oli.

Thats something i forgot to write here, i already told my twin brother and he reacted positive like i knew he would. So at this point 7 people know of my secret and today i have 2 friends coming over who i'm going to tell also. One of those friends is a little bit of a homophobe but i need to do this now.

I'm happy i found the cause of my problems since i was young but now i don't know how to deal with it properly.
My dad doesn't even know about me being bi or gay but after all that happened and that i blocked from my mind i can't tell him at this point, he doesn't even know that we know about the contract he needed to sign to not abandon us and that still hurts very much

Oli

 

[Craiger]

I'm sure the hurt will always be somewhere in the back of your mind, but for your own sake try to understand what conditions were there to make your father do such a thing. Also, has he lived up to his part of the contract? There are always two sides the the coin and if times have changed isn't it better to start anew and look beyond the past? I've witnessed a similar situation and as time has gone by I have been able to establish a loving relationship concerning it. However, like I said, that hurt is still hidden and will never go away, but I feel much more positive by putting it behind me. This is something that you should speak to your therapist about and let him help you find a way past it.
I'm happy to hear that your brother has accepted you for who you are. Isn't it refreshing to know that you don't have to hide and lie about things anymore with him. Congratulations on that and also your intent on telling you two friends. Keep us up to date. Best.

Craiger

 

[dolidee]

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since my last post and have an update on the whole situation.

The day i posted my last comment i had 2 of my better friends come over (i call them B and C, they're married to eachother). I was so nervous because all these years i knew how he felt about gay people.

I was preparing myself for this conversation with a couple of people who already knew of me and they gave some good advice on how to bring the subject up. So when they arrived we chatted about their vacation in spain and etc,... After a couple of hours i finally found a moment to bring the subject up and told them straight forward. C was happy i finally told her because she always wanted a gay friend (very weird but she's not the only one that wants that ). B was silent for a moment but he reacted very positive when i said it and it wouldn't change our friendship he said. I know him for more than 10 years and this was for me emotional to hear.
In a way he already knew years ago but he didn't want to push me to confirm it (was very confused because of his previous reactions about the subject). I asked him about this and his answer was one of not knowing better about the subject.

So we talked for more than 2 hours about the subject and they accepted me as "gay or bi", we went out eating together and i had a wonderful time that day and my stress was gone for the day .

So that was previous saturday and the day after i went to my father to have a talk with him about him not wanting me in his life and telling him that i'm gay or bi. I had set my mind the day before that i wouldn't go to him to talk about all of this but that night i changed my mind and told myself to not avoid the situation but fight it instead.

So very nervous i went with my brother to my father that sunday for lunch and diner that evening. After an hour or so i talked to my father and said i needed to talk to him in private. We went upstairs and after a couple of minutes of hesitation from my side i told him about everything that bothered me the last 12 years.

He knew about my depression but i never told him anything about what caused it because my mother was my person i went to when i had problems.
I began with saying how i felt about my sexuality since i was 13 years old. Like everyone i told it to he was also very understanding and accepted it because he also knew in a way when i was younger.
I find this very weird that every person that now knows about me being gay that they had a suspicion. I'm not someone you see on the street and would say 'oh he would probably be gay'. I'm not showing it in the way i dress myself or even talk. They all had a suspicion and now i think about it i'm glad they did.

So at this point my father knew about my sexuality and i confronted him with what he said when i was young. I told him that i saw the contract that he signed for not abandoning us when we were young. He was perplexed about all of this and told his opinion about it. I know when my father is lying and at this point he was not lying. He told his side of the story and it all made sense for me in a way but i told him that the feeling i have around the subject won't leave because it ruined my whole life. He understood and said if i wanted to talk about it that i'm just a phone call away.

After discussing that subject i went on a told him everything that happened the last years in detail. I've never been so open to my father about my feelings and it felt good to do it.

There was one thing that shocked and suprised him, my suicide attempt on my 18th birthday. I never told him that i did this and he was shocked. I explained him why i wanted to do this and for the first time in my life i saw my father get emotional.

We talked for more than an hour and it was a breath of fresh air for me. I poured my heart out and felt good for doing it.

So i'm now at a moment in my life that i can fully accept who i'am sexually. I accept that i'm gay or bi but i'm still having problems accepting MYSELF AS A PERSON .

I know its all in my head but this bothers me enormously and keeps me for getting further in my life now and in the dating scene.

I'm on a gay chat daily to talk to other people (not looking for sex at all but 90% of the people are) and i've met some awesome people that help me deal with certain problems but 6 days ago i met someone that was really interested in me and me in him. He gave me his phone number and i texted him. He was very kind and gave me many compliments and i feel very good when he sends something and he knows a lot about me but that doesn't bother him.
But now at this point when i text something he doesn't even text me back. I know that i need to take these steps carefully because how i am at this point in my life but he did the first move and now he is straight ignoring me and that is something i don't need right now.

I'm beginning to get very angry in a way because i pour my heart out to people i want it to but then i get shit like this.
Maybe i'm getting to fast for myself about all of this but i need to make new steps in my life but not like this.

Like always thanks for reading my story

 

[Craiger]

Happy to hear that you have made advances with your friends and father. Being able to express yourself and release all the pent up stress is good. Congratulations on such a therapeutic breakthrough.

As for the friend you are interested in, perhaps you need to step back a bit and take things slowly. There may be a good reason for his not answering your text. Give it a day or so and then send a friendly message. Just something about how his week has gone and looking forward to hanging out with him soon. Leave it at that and see if he doesn't reply. No matter what, don't stop looking around and meeting new people. Eventually that right person will show up and be happy to spend time with you. As always, Oli, keep us informed.

Craiger