The question is whether or not I should talk to my parents/family. But before that, I guess I should write a bit about my situation/life, so I'll break down what I'm writing into sections to make it easier to read. Warning though... this is going to be a long read, so thank you to anyone who actually makes it through all of it. If you want to read just the core issue I have, then skip to that section.
Background Info
I'm 19 and in college and just sort of coming to terms with being attracted to men. One thing I do know for sure is that it's been a lifelong thing for me--I've always liked guys as far back as I can remember. Whether or not I am, or can be, attracted to women is something that I'm figuring out, but the fact that I'm attracted to men is something I just can't really ignore anymore.
I'm still in the closet completely and I haven't told anyone. But I think I make a horrible "straight" guy since I don't play any sports, my favorite TV show is Grey's Anatomy and I'm not afraid to admit it, and I've never had a girlfriend. I guess I wouldn't be surprised if anyone thought that I liked guys, and I'm pretty sure some people that know me think so. Not that it really bothers me, I am who I am and I like it--except the part about liking guys.
Liking guys isn't really something that I loathe about myself, though, not to say that if I could choose not to be attracted to men I would since it would un-complicate my life. It's just the way I was raised, which is really the core issue of why I'm writing right now. My family is really conservative; I was born and raised a Christian (which I am and always will be) and ethnically, I'm Far East Asian. So my whole life growing up, I just never gave gay people any though since it was pretty much a non-existent issue. No one I knew was gay and I shouldn't be either.
Talking to my family
So before I wrote that I'm completely in the closet and haven't talked to my family at all about it. The thing is, though, that that's not completely true, which is why I'm so confused as to whether or not I should tell my family (dad, mom, one older brother). I mean it is true that I've never went to them and said "I'm gay", but... I'll explain it separately by each family member.
My mom
This was back in 6th grade, when I was about 12. My older brother had apparently discovered porn (straight porn) and forgot to wipe the history. When I used the computer after him, I found all these pictures and that's probably when I first really made the decision that I liked penis over pussy. So one day, when my brother was away, my dad at work, and my mom grocery shopping, I got on the internet and just started googling pictures of naked guys. I guess I was just so wrapped up in it that I didn't even notice my mom had come home and then I was caught.
When my mom caught me, that was probably the worst feeling I ever experience in my life. She looked at the screen silently for a moment, then told me to get up and go sit on the couch in the living room. The next 15 minutes were pure hell sitting there, and I could just see my mom looking through the history and pulling up every single website I had been to. Then she came back to me, sat on the other couch, and simply asked me, "Why?"
I don't remember what my answer was. I mean I can't really remember exactly how the conversation went. But what I do remember is that she didn't condemn me or anything--not exactly. She did pull out the Bible and make me read passages on homosexuality basically saying that it was a sin and I could go to hell for it, but I knew she was doing it because she loved me... and that she was scared for me. My mom's probably the strongest Christian I know and in that moment, I really could tell that she wasn't upset, she wasn't mad, she was just scared... for me. And after she made me read the Bible passages, we kind of just left it at that. She never asked me if I'm gay and I never said that I am. I guess we both left the couches believing that this was some fluke in my life that wouldn't happen again.
So you would think that after that kind of situation, I'd wise up and make sure nothing like that would ever happen again. Wrong. Long story short, four years later she caught me again.
It was really painful again this time. I think I was 15 or 16 at the time. The thing is, I didn't have a close relationship at all with my parents at this point in my life, or actually at all until recently. My parents were really strict people and were always getting into fights with my brother and quite frankly, they scared the crap out of me. So I never talked to them about anything. Ever. And we weren't a close family in any way. We didn't eat a single meal together as a family, mostly because my dad was working so late all the time. And I just never had anything to say to either of my parents.
So when it came down to just me and my mom, in the basement, with her asking me if I'm gay... I couldn't bring myself to really talk to her. So I said no. We basically agreed together that it was probably just a phase and when puberty was over, it would go away. While there was other stuff that was said, it's not really relevant and I'll leave it out. And after that day, we never talked about this stuff again... until recently which I'll write later.
My dad
My memory of how things happened with my dad is a lot more fuzzy than it is with my mom. Probably because my dad never confronted me right away like my mom did.
My dad's a really intelligent man, but my mom is the forceful one. So I guess he's kind of soft-spoken as in he'll never really get up-in-your-face unless he's really ticked off about something. But I just remember that one night, while my mom was away for the night, he asked me to sleep with him in their bed because he had something to talk to me about. And that was when he asked me if I'm gay.
Again, I said no. I don't really know why or how he asked, but if I had to guess, probably either my mom told him or he caught me looking at porn, too. I honestly just don't remember. I don't remember our conversation well either, but I do know that he didn't condemn me either, and I don't think he even pulled the Bible out for our conversation. I think all he did was ask me some questions, and then went to sleep.
My brother
My brother is older than me by a few years and my relationship with him is very complicated. In middle school and high school, we didn't get along very well, mostly because I never broke the rules and he was always getting into trouble--then asking me to cover-up for him.
This was in 9th grade. I remember I had left my computer on and was downloading some porn. All the computers in our family were in the study, so my brother was using his computer on the desk behind me that night. I went upstairs to get something from my room and about five minutes later, my brother walked in and asked me why the fuck I was downloading gay porn. Apparently his internet was being laggy so he checked to see what I was doing on mine.
I couldn't tell my brother for certain. While at that point, I already had had those conversations with my mom and my dad, this was the first time with my brother. And out of the people in my family, he was the only person who was vocally against gay people. As in, he hated them and never missed a chance to say that he didn't. So I made up a story that I was doing a friend (girl) of mine a favor. I don't know really if he bought it, but I didn't really let the conversation go on and that was that.
Fastforward a few years. We're both in college, but back home for break. For some reason we were sharing a room and one night, we were having a conversation before going to sleep. I don't remember why or how it happened, but I remember my brother outright asking me, "Are you gay?"
Again... I denied it. But not before he told me that if I were, I would still be his brother. Regardless, I just couldn't deal with everything in my life and I still hadn't accepted to myself any of it. So I told him no and that was it.
The core issue
Quick recap: I'm 19, in college, Christian, Asian, in the closet, but my family probably all suspects something.
So now I'm in college. And still without a girlfriend. Which I guess is becoming more and more an issue to my parents.
Last winter, I went back home and was finished eating dinner with my mom. We were having conversation when she asked if I had a girlfriend. I said I didn't. She asked me why. Then she asked me, "Do you like girls?"
On a separate occasion, I was having dinner, one-on-one, with my dad. Conversation steered to whether or not I had a girlfriend. I said I didn't. Then he asked me, "Do you like girls?"
(I said yes to both.)
Now to make one thing clear, English isn't my parents' first language, but we speak in English to each other because that's basically the only one I speak. On a separate note, my parents' English is very, very good, but syntax can be an issue at sometimes. So I guess it's open to debate what exactly they were getting at by asking me that question.
But that's exactly the problem--that I don't know what they were trying to accomplish by asking me that. Are they giving me a way to out myself to them? Do they want me to come out to them? Are they just looking for confirmation that I'm not gay?
And I don't think it's that simple. Because I don't know if they really do want me to out myself, even if they truly want to know if I'm gay. Because
A) It conflicts with Christianity, which of course is a huge issue.
B) It conflicts with our Asian culture, which is a big issue because all of my extended family lives in the home country, which is extremely homophobic.
I think what it comes down to (among other things) is I don't want to be a burden to my parents. Having a gay son would destroy their reputation at church. Then there's the fact that being gay would probably mean my entire extended family would cut me out... and possibly my family as a result. And I won't be able to live with myself if either of those happened to my parents, since none of it is in their control.
Do I think my parents would disown me? I'm not sure, but I'm inclined to say no since it hasn't happened yet and they've had opportunities to do so in the past, I suppose. But it's definitely an issue since I'm not financially independent. Do I think my relationship with them would be completely different? Yes, and I think that's another reason why I'm so apprehensive about talking to them. Again, with being Asian and Christian, I just know it won't be the same. If I'm having trouble with reconciling those aspects of my life with my liking guys, it's pretty clear my parents will, too.
And what's the deal with my brother? He's definitely mellowed out a lot since before with the hating on gays, but it still didn't make sense to me when he asked me if I'm gay and said that he wouldn't care if I am. And I know he loves me, so that's reassuring, but I just can't wrap my head around what exactly his stance is if he thinks I'm gay, yet hates gay people. Would there be a difference for him between suspecting that I'm gay and knowing that I am?
Thinking about it, I feel like there's more to lose than there is to gain. Plus, like I said I haven't figured it all out for myself either, liking guys, liking girls, liking both, or whatever. But at the same time, it'd be nice to have some of my sanity back by not having to lie to everyone all the time. I'm just glad I got some of this off of my chest by just writing it down.
So should I talk to them?
Background Info
I'm 19 and in college and just sort of coming to terms with being attracted to men. One thing I do know for sure is that it's been a lifelong thing for me--I've always liked guys as far back as I can remember. Whether or not I am, or can be, attracted to women is something that I'm figuring out, but the fact that I'm attracted to men is something I just can't really ignore anymore.
I'm still in the closet completely and I haven't told anyone. But I think I make a horrible "straight" guy since I don't play any sports, my favorite TV show is Grey's Anatomy and I'm not afraid to admit it, and I've never had a girlfriend. I guess I wouldn't be surprised if anyone thought that I liked guys, and I'm pretty sure some people that know me think so. Not that it really bothers me, I am who I am and I like it--except the part about liking guys.
Liking guys isn't really something that I loathe about myself, though, not to say that if I could choose not to be attracted to men I would since it would un-complicate my life. It's just the way I was raised, which is really the core issue of why I'm writing right now. My family is really conservative; I was born and raised a Christian (which I am and always will be) and ethnically, I'm Far East Asian. So my whole life growing up, I just never gave gay people any though since it was pretty much a non-existent issue. No one I knew was gay and I shouldn't be either.
Talking to my family
So before I wrote that I'm completely in the closet and haven't talked to my family at all about it. The thing is, though, that that's not completely true, which is why I'm so confused as to whether or not I should tell my family (dad, mom, one older brother). I mean it is true that I've never went to them and said "I'm gay", but... I'll explain it separately by each family member.
My mom
This was back in 6th grade, when I was about 12. My older brother had apparently discovered porn (straight porn) and forgot to wipe the history. When I used the computer after him, I found all these pictures and that's probably when I first really made the decision that I liked penis over pussy. So one day, when my brother was away, my dad at work, and my mom grocery shopping, I got on the internet and just started googling pictures of naked guys. I guess I was just so wrapped up in it that I didn't even notice my mom had come home and then I was caught.
When my mom caught me, that was probably the worst feeling I ever experience in my life. She looked at the screen silently for a moment, then told me to get up and go sit on the couch in the living room. The next 15 minutes were pure hell sitting there, and I could just see my mom looking through the history and pulling up every single website I had been to. Then she came back to me, sat on the other couch, and simply asked me, "Why?"
I don't remember what my answer was. I mean I can't really remember exactly how the conversation went. But what I do remember is that she didn't condemn me or anything--not exactly. She did pull out the Bible and make me read passages on homosexuality basically saying that it was a sin and I could go to hell for it, but I knew she was doing it because she loved me... and that she was scared for me. My mom's probably the strongest Christian I know and in that moment, I really could tell that she wasn't upset, she wasn't mad, she was just scared... for me. And after she made me read the Bible passages, we kind of just left it at that. She never asked me if I'm gay and I never said that I am. I guess we both left the couches believing that this was some fluke in my life that wouldn't happen again.
So you would think that after that kind of situation, I'd wise up and make sure nothing like that would ever happen again. Wrong. Long story short, four years later she caught me again.
It was really painful again this time. I think I was 15 or 16 at the time. The thing is, I didn't have a close relationship at all with my parents at this point in my life, or actually at all until recently. My parents were really strict people and were always getting into fights with my brother and quite frankly, they scared the crap out of me. So I never talked to them about anything. Ever. And we weren't a close family in any way. We didn't eat a single meal together as a family, mostly because my dad was working so late all the time. And I just never had anything to say to either of my parents.
So when it came down to just me and my mom, in the basement, with her asking me if I'm gay... I couldn't bring myself to really talk to her. So I said no. We basically agreed together that it was probably just a phase and when puberty was over, it would go away. While there was other stuff that was said, it's not really relevant and I'll leave it out. And after that day, we never talked about this stuff again... until recently which I'll write later.
My dad
My memory of how things happened with my dad is a lot more fuzzy than it is with my mom. Probably because my dad never confronted me right away like my mom did.
My dad's a really intelligent man, but my mom is the forceful one. So I guess he's kind of soft-spoken as in he'll never really get up-in-your-face unless he's really ticked off about something. But I just remember that one night, while my mom was away for the night, he asked me to sleep with him in their bed because he had something to talk to me about. And that was when he asked me if I'm gay.
Again, I said no. I don't really know why or how he asked, but if I had to guess, probably either my mom told him or he caught me looking at porn, too. I honestly just don't remember. I don't remember our conversation well either, but I do know that he didn't condemn me either, and I don't think he even pulled the Bible out for our conversation. I think all he did was ask me some questions, and then went to sleep.
My brother
My brother is older than me by a few years and my relationship with him is very complicated. In middle school and high school, we didn't get along very well, mostly because I never broke the rules and he was always getting into trouble--then asking me to cover-up for him.
This was in 9th grade. I remember I had left my computer on and was downloading some porn. All the computers in our family were in the study, so my brother was using his computer on the desk behind me that night. I went upstairs to get something from my room and about five minutes later, my brother walked in and asked me why the fuck I was downloading gay porn. Apparently his internet was being laggy so he checked to see what I was doing on mine.
I couldn't tell my brother for certain. While at that point, I already had had those conversations with my mom and my dad, this was the first time with my brother. And out of the people in my family, he was the only person who was vocally against gay people. As in, he hated them and never missed a chance to say that he didn't. So I made up a story that I was doing a friend (girl) of mine a favor. I don't know really if he bought it, but I didn't really let the conversation go on and that was that.
Fastforward a few years. We're both in college, but back home for break. For some reason we were sharing a room and one night, we were having a conversation before going to sleep. I don't remember why or how it happened, but I remember my brother outright asking me, "Are you gay?"
Again... I denied it. But not before he told me that if I were, I would still be his brother. Regardless, I just couldn't deal with everything in my life and I still hadn't accepted to myself any of it. So I told him no and that was it.
The core issue
Quick recap: I'm 19, in college, Christian, Asian, in the closet, but my family probably all suspects something.
So now I'm in college. And still without a girlfriend. Which I guess is becoming more and more an issue to my parents.
Last winter, I went back home and was finished eating dinner with my mom. We were having conversation when she asked if I had a girlfriend. I said I didn't. She asked me why. Then she asked me, "Do you like girls?"
On a separate occasion, I was having dinner, one-on-one, with my dad. Conversation steered to whether or not I had a girlfriend. I said I didn't. Then he asked me, "Do you like girls?"
(I said yes to both.)
Now to make one thing clear, English isn't my parents' first language, but we speak in English to each other because that's basically the only one I speak. On a separate note, my parents' English is very, very good, but syntax can be an issue at sometimes. So I guess it's open to debate what exactly they were getting at by asking me that question.
But that's exactly the problem--that I don't know what they were trying to accomplish by asking me that. Are they giving me a way to out myself to them? Do they want me to come out to them? Are they just looking for confirmation that I'm not gay?
And I don't think it's that simple. Because I don't know if they really do want me to out myself, even if they truly want to know if I'm gay. Because
A) It conflicts with Christianity, which of course is a huge issue.
B) It conflicts with our Asian culture, which is a big issue because all of my extended family lives in the home country, which is extremely homophobic.
I think what it comes down to (among other things) is I don't want to be a burden to my parents. Having a gay son would destroy their reputation at church. Then there's the fact that being gay would probably mean my entire extended family would cut me out... and possibly my family as a result. And I won't be able to live with myself if either of those happened to my parents, since none of it is in their control.
Do I think my parents would disown me? I'm not sure, but I'm inclined to say no since it hasn't happened yet and they've had opportunities to do so in the past, I suppose. But it's definitely an issue since I'm not financially independent. Do I think my relationship with them would be completely different? Yes, and I think that's another reason why I'm so apprehensive about talking to them. Again, with being Asian and Christian, I just know it won't be the same. If I'm having trouble with reconciling those aspects of my life with my liking guys, it's pretty clear my parents will, too.
And what's the deal with my brother? He's definitely mellowed out a lot since before with the hating on gays, but it still didn't make sense to me when he asked me if I'm gay and said that he wouldn't care if I am. And I know he loves me, so that's reassuring, but I just can't wrap my head around what exactly his stance is if he thinks I'm gay, yet hates gay people. Would there be a difference for him between suspecting that I'm gay and knowing that I am?
Thinking about it, I feel like there's more to lose than there is to gain. Plus, like I said I haven't figured it all out for myself either, liking guys, liking girls, liking both, or whatever. But at the same time, it'd be nice to have some of my sanity back by not having to lie to everyone all the time. I'm just glad I got some of this off of my chest by just writing it down.
So should I talk to them?
