My life or door #4?

[popcorn1000]

Hi all. Like some other members of this forum I have been in a relationship with a guy for a long time (10+ years) and am having doubts about whether or not to split. Hoping you guys can offer some feedback.

First some background. I had a 2 year relationship with my first boyfriend, a couple random encounters, and then this 10+ year relationship with my current (second) boyfriend. The two of us were college buddies who gradually fell into a relationship.

From the beginning I had reservations, the biggest of which stemmed from our lack of sexual chemistry. In fact, we had very little sex even in the beginning. I overlooked/tolerated this because we were good friends and I valued the idea of being in a relationship above sex, which I regarded as secondary or something that could develop over time.

Despite our problems I stuck it out and we’ve slowly grown together as people will if they spend a long time together. We have our own culture, traditions, language, humor. We use bird calls to communicate at home. I am amused by the odd way he wears his hats. He lets me eat the corners off his burritos. We have a common history and many common interests and opinions. We live together, are both working, can pay rent without stress. I am certain of his love. We trust each other. Our lives are harmonious and stable.

However….

We still barely ever have sex. If we do it is only if I initiate, often not even then. He never talks about sex, initiates sex, or complains about the absence of sex. We have discussed this many many times over the years. Sometimes he makes an effort, but that only amounts to being more receptive when I initiate sex. It’s not just the low frequency of sex (at one point only once per year) that bothers me, it’s really his whole attitude towards it. There’s no desire or enthusiasm there. After all the years of non-sex I don’t think of him as a sex partner. I don't feel this can be fixed. This is not an issue of repairing what was once a passionate sex life – it’s like trying to create life from nothing.

My boyfriend is also not physically affectionate. He seems to enjoy it t a degree, but also doesn’t miss it and rarely initiates. As far as he’s concerned, allowing me to give him a hug is the same as if he had hugged me. For me it’s not the same at all. He refuses to shower together. We haven’t slept in the same bed in years. I miss the feeling of falling asleep in a lover’s arms. I don’t remember ever having that with this guy. As with sex we’ve discussed this many many times without good results. He’s only very recently started to be better about it, but I feel like it’s too little too late.

Two factors compound my frustration. First, I never got a chance to sow my wild oats. Second, I’m now in my mid-thirties and frankly I don’t have the kind of looks that are going to age well, so I feel an urge to have some fun while I still can. Does that sound silly? If I had a fulfilling sex life at home maybe I wouldn’t be distracted by these thoughts, but that’s unfortunately not the case.

My boyfriend is not receptive to the idea of an open relationship. He might agree if I presented him with an ultimatum, but I don’t feel it’s a good way to go. I think it would be too painful for him.

The sexual dissatisfaction and desperation amplify negative feelings I have about his other qualities. The more I dwell on the possibility of separation the more bothered I become by these lesser issues. This is fueling a desire to seek new romantic relationships, in addition to sexual ones. Since I don’t have a lot of experience to draw on, I can only compare my relationship to fantasy. I have an excellent imagination, so fantasy wins!

So on one side I have the known quantity with all its good and apparently irresolvable bad. On the other side, some action and unknown potential.

My fears: I have another long talk with him about sex and stay in the relationship hoping for change, and wait, and the years pass with no change. I do nothing and become increasingly dissatisfied and resentful. I throw away a decade and then realize he was the best guy for me afterall, but I can’t go back. I leave the relationship and the loss is so wrenching that we both fall into comas forever. Fuck.

I don’t see the sense in staying in a sexless monogamous relationship, but I can’t deny there’s a degree of closeness we’ve achieved through being exclusive to one another. Not sure what to do

Sorry for the long post, but I have to say it feels great to vent! Now I’m going to go stare into the darkness for a couple hours... I’d love it if you guys would share your experiences, comments, or advice.

 

[pat grimshaw]

see
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=346472

 

[HunterM]

It sounded like you two do love each other. He is not a sexual person. Go see a sex therapist. The therapist may introduce a third person to have sex with you guys. At least, you can tell your partner that you both have to follow professional advice to improve your relationship.

 

[sixthson]

This is a thoughtful, heartfelt post. I think if things were the other way around and you were having great sex but lacking in the other good qualities you mentioned concerning your relationship, you would still be dissatisfied. And that is because no relationship can be built on sex. However, sex is very important to most people.
Your relationship is comfortable in many areas but it lacks intimacy, both physical and emotional. You want and need this and your partner does not. A romantic relationship is all-encompassing, there needs to be a phsycial, emotional and spiritual connection to be truly satisfying for most of us.
Some people are meant to be friends, some are meant to be lovers and I say lovers in the truest sense of the word. There is a depth of passion with lovers that goes beyond friendship and yet makes the two the best of friends.

I'm sure there are many here who will tell you to break up. I am not comfortable doing that because I am not the one who will have to pay the price for this decision. Only you can do that. Your post shows that you know yourself and your partner well. It is not just that he is unwilling to change, but probably incapable of change. He can't give you what he does not have. Can he?

 

[sixthson]

It sounded like you two do love each other. He is not a sexual person. Go see a sex therapist. The therapist may introduce a third person to have sex with you guys. At least, you can tell your partner that you both have to follow professional advice to improve your relationship.

Adding a third person for sex only gives him sex, it does not give him the intimacy that he says he wants.
This is not just about sex. He misses sleeping with his partner, showering with him, holding him, kissing him...you know, loving, intimate things. A stranger cannot supply this.

 

[HunterM]

Well...I can sleep with him, shower with him, hold him, kiss him and more.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for your long lack of physical intimacy. I'm of the belief that most broken relationships can be fixed provided both people are willing and both make a commitment to couples counseling.

You have an extremely high tolerance level, which is both a positive and negative quality. I'm not saying this to admonish you but to advise others who might read this. Ten years is a very long time to let something of importance pass. What eventually can happen is the internalized thought process of that length of time will wear you down to the point where divorce is the only option.

This is what I would suggest. Drag him if necessary to couples counseling with a goal that first session to have him commit to spend one night a week in your bed with no expectation of having sex. You have compromised to the point of breaking. It's time for him to take at least a baby step and also to begin to be honest about his sexual and intimacy issues. He owes that to you.

 

[KaraBulut]

If this post were made in year 1 or year 2, it would be clearer what to do- end the relationship because you're not getting what you want out of a relationship.

What complicates it is that you're in year 10. Chances are- after 10 years together under these conditions- that you've both stuck around because you're both getting what you want out of the relationship.

What this comes down to is whether this is about you getting older and wanting to get out and sow your oats. That brings up the question of an open relationship or maybe a sabbatical. Unfortunately, once you go down this path, it's often harder to find your way back to the way things used to be in your relationship.

This isn't an easy one. Maybe the first step is for your partner to get a physical to make sure this isn't an issue like an endocrine disorder. If that doesn't work, then maybe counseling- assuming of course that you want to have sex with your partner.

 

[sixthson]

Kara, how do you take a sabbatical from love?

 

[popcorn1000]

Thanks for all the replies. It really is helpful to hear from you guys, especially as I have few people I can turn to for relationship advice.

Seasoned, you are exactly right when you say my high tolerance level is both good and bad. I endured the problems in the relationship and achieved a good result, but mixed with some inherently bad qualities. Now after over ten years our bond is very strong and it is hard to walk away despite the bad things.

If we can't work something out (he's not too keen on the idea of counseling) I might suggest some kind of separation... Not quite sure how that might work though. Plus, while it might work well for me I think it would just be cruel to him. He was being really sweet to me tonight, which while good just makes me even more indecisive. Bah! Anyway if (when?) I work up the resolve to talk things over with him I'll post about the aftermath.

My advice for anyone who may be in a new relationship with some stubborn problems: think hard about what you ultimately want! If it's not workable, but you stay together you might wind up in a pickle ten years down the road...

 

[HunterM]

If I were you, I would give him the ultimatum of counseling or separation. By not doing so, you are enabling his stubborn behavior.

 

[KaraBulut]

Kara, how do you take a sabbatical from love?

Love ain't enough. Sometimes distance and time are.

 

[Centexfarmer]

popcorn1000, your comments and some of the advice that you've received reminds me of one of my favorite poems.

It's by the poet Kahlil Gibran, and the Poem is called "On Friendship."

(Elements highlighted for emphasis)

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.


When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.


And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

I'm kind of getting the feeling, from what you've shared, that perhaps he's not aware of how important the sexual intimacy in your relationship with him is to you.

Couple that with the fact that you've admitted that you never 'got a chance to sow my wild oats.'

Please be careful that you're not looking for an excuse to dump an otherwise emotionally fulfilling relationship.

So you have to initiate the sex, what could be worse? Him turning down your advances I'd think.

Then I think that you might have something to complain about.

Yeah it's always nice when the guy that we're with finds us sexually attractive, and finds a way to show that. It's really hot actually.

You know that as guys get older, and more "settled" sometimes we tend to lose some sex drive. Especially when we're in a relationship, and know that we don't have to go out cruising for sex every weekend.

It really takes a lot of pressure off when we know that we can "get it" anytime that we want it.

From what you've shared, your problem seems to be that he doesn't seem to want it.

I don't know either of you guys but it could be a lot things; stress at work, medical reasons (low testosterone), or sexually psychological on his part as it relates to his family, and the type of relationship that they expected him to be in, or you're just being taken for granted in all of the other areas.

Maybe he's completely happy and content where y'all are at after 10 years, and you're now feeling that there should be more.

It's a tough place to be in.

I can only hope that he hears with his heart how you're truly feeling about this, and that he's not forced with some ultimatum. It's clear from what you've shared that there is love between you.

Please consider that, because I have a lot of friends who have a lot of sex with a lot of guys, and all that they are really after is what you seem to already have.