My life's a mess, it's a long post for an 18 year old and probably incredibly juvenile but here you go.

[DexterV]

Hey guys I'm totally new here so take it easy on me
Just after some advice if you're all willing? I'll just jump right into it:

So I'm 18 years old and for the past year and a half or so i was in what I would consider a very intense emotional relationship with a guy from college. This would've been perfectly fine if it weren't for the two main obstacles - the lack of a physical relationship bar kissing and grinding (not to mention his expectance of me not to get with other guys) and the fact that he had, and still has, a girlfriend. I really don't wanna come on here and be seen as the stupid, naive guy who just had a crush on a straight friend because it wasn't like that at all as he'd told me he was gay along with his other close friends though whenever we'd discuss his girlfriend he'd just say he loved me but loved her too and didn't know how he felt. For a while I was sympathetic but after so long it's like dude? seriously? Anyways he moved away for UNI once we finished college and since then he comes back every 6 weeks or so and always texts or rings and I know he just expects me to drop everything for him as soon as he wants me which I'm so tired of but I just know I won't be able to stop myself. This is what inspired me to message you all today after receiving another one of these phone calls a few days ago which I've yet to respond to. Though that's just the basic story so brace yourselves for the rest.

We'd had a fight about 6 months before we broke up with him leaving for University which led to me blowing another boy on his birthday just because I was so angry with him because I was being ignored because his girlfriend was out with us. After this everything just kinda spiralled out of hand. I started kissing a lot of guys when I went out drinking every time he'd upset me or cancel on me for his girlfriend, eventually this led to me giving a lot of hand jobs and blow jobs and such just to make myself feel better when i felt angry at him or upset or whatever. When he left for University this just kept going and it got to the stage last weekend where someone tried to make me bottom for them and i managed to get him off me and get out of there as soon as possible (leaving my favourite jacket) but what really upsets me is that I can't seem to shake him. Every time I think I'm getting over him he'll text or ring or whatever and I'll end up feeling shit and doing something stupid and I'm so sick of being in love with him when he's such an asshole to me. It's like no matter what he does I'll never be able to get over him and maybe that's something I have to learn to accept but It's getting me into serious problems because I don't know how to stop feeling so sad and like I need other people's approval to feel good about myself.

Another reason I'm so constantly mad at him is because of how he's fucked up how I feel towards sex, I was so ready to have sex with him even though the thought of bottoming terrifies me and I don't understand how it can feel good? But like i had such a connection with him that I can't imagine being with anyone so intimately until I felt the same way about them as I did, well do, him. I'm really so scared at the thought of having sex and how much it's gonna hurt, though I suppose that's a separate subject but please feel free to address it if you're all still reading this essay haha.

I just feel like I'm so fucked up and pathetic and I really wish I didn't feel this way, I've had a few dates since he left for Uni but all I ever think about is him even when I'm with other boys and I just don't know how I can find a new relationship with someone I care about when the last one I was in still features so prominently in my life.

I don't espect everyone to take the time to read this, but if you do I'd really appreciate it - I've thought about doing this for a long time and all of my friends are straight and don't seem to hold gay relationships on par with their own so a few friends on here would really be amazing.

P.S. If you still want to be my friend after reading this I'll be sincerely shocked!

xoxo
D

 

[Seasoned]

If you wanted to completely break off the relationship you would. I think you're doing the same things, thinking the same thoughts. In order to have a change occur you have to start doing things differently. The only person you can change is yourself.

Revenge sex is common but it's an immature response to feeling hurt and angry.

What advice would you give a straight friend if they were behaving with someone the way you behave?

 

[jleon83]

After my frist break up it took me a long time to get over him. My mother gave me the best advice, she told me you will never love another person like your first love. You don't have any experence & you give 100% but after your first hart break you are guarded. Moving on is difficult at first but as you put yourself out there it will get easy to trust. Not every guy will be like your ex. Hope it helps.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, first of all, that's not really a relationship, it's more of an arrangement, and it seems to only be working for him.

Second, you have habit issues. Meaning, it was fun and interesting at first, and then became the norm, became "the way things are", so you are mistaking it with "love". It isn't. It doesn't even sound like infatuation to me. More like he knows how to manipulate you to do what he wants.

Third, being with a closeted guy is fairly disgusting, especially one with an "official" hetero relationship. You don't need the drama, even though I feel you want it a little bit (maybe subconsciously).


A lot of things in life are only what they are because we TELL ourselves they are what they are. The first step to getting rid of the douchebag is to stop telling yourself how you will never get over him. There seems to be very little to get over, he hasn't even slept with you. I mean, you wrote a long post about your revenge... kissing and handjobs... but wrote NOTHING of the reasons why you were with him in the first place and what he gives you.

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't understand sometimes why people don't use thier anger as a positive force. Anger got me out of the closet, it got me over the douchebags, it got me over the users.

Doesn't it piss you off that this sad closet case has a girlfriend (still?) and strung you along, blew you off, and then continues to come around expecting you to just be there?

FUCK THAT!

That would piss me off. USE THAT EMOTION!

You can be a victim of the Drama, or you can flush it down - your life YOUR CHOICE.

Take back your life.

I've always wanted this to be relevant - just so I could use it, 'cause it's fabulous.

Sing it Gloria!

 

[rareboy]

Infatuation and crushing shouldn't be confused with being in love with someone.

And all I can say is give your head a shake.

What you have going on with this guy is some kind of fumbling high school emotionally immature mind fuck dating thing.

You don't need him. He doesn't need you. Both of you are being selfish and destructive. To the point of just trying to hurt one another. So stop it. And get your head back on straight and your emotional life back to a healthy state.

This guy is playing you. Until he puts you first, there is no love. Trust me. Until he comes out and acknowledges that he is a homo, he is just using you and probably thinks he is pretty clever to have everything his own way.

So. Break it off nicely with him. No one needs teenage drama. But be firm and let him know that you are moving on to find someone who you can have a healthy and full romantic and sexual relationship with.

 

[Grey_Sky]

This situation can go on forever if you don't put an end to it yourself.

I have a girl friend who is going through the same stuff (only without the gay factor) for about 5 years now... Whenever she thinks to be over him, he calls or texts her saying how much sorry he is about not treating her the way she deserves, and the poor thing falls for him again... even knowing it will all be more of the same, all over again.

The thing is, people like your guy or my friend's guy are very unlikelly to change. Things are pretty good for them the way they are, so why bother?! They'll try to hold you under their leash for as long as they can.

Are you up to spend years of your life (the best ones, people use to say) suffering for someone like that, never getting anything back from him?