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My long story. A divorced guy coming out at midlife

Wow what a fantastic update!!!! Congratulations, I bet you feel a huge weight off your shoulders!!! I am sure things will go fine with your son. I must say I love your ex's new husband he sounds awesome and totally on your side.
 
ellwood - Yes. Her husband's reaction was completely unexpected. He really is a nice guy and I feel bad for the horrible things I thought about him during the divorce. It is looking like he will be an incredible ally. BTW - they both commented that they had sensed a drastic change in my attitude towards them and didn't understand why.

Well, now they do!

Thanks for all the support. My emotions are very stirred up today. I think I will tell my son tomorrow. I do not think I should tell him when I am still worked up from last night. I need to be as calm with him as I was with his mom and her husband. I feel confident that she will not say anything to him between now and then.

I am feeling pretty good. Still nervous, but the "out life" is so close. That is very exciting.
 
hi NCDogGuy,

Thanks for the update and great to hear the good reaction of her husband.

I would not bother about these church issues of you wife. That's up to her to solve these church issues. Besides that, her husband seems not to have such church issues.

I would strongly emphasise on the reaction of her husband. Apparently, he does not bother, mainly because he is aware that some guys are gay. And you are just one of them. So no big deal for him.

So tell your son tomorrow, and have the reaction of the husband in your mind. So don't think too much about the reaction of your ex.

She had (and has?) issues with you (from the past), but that is not the case with his husband.

And why should your son don't take it well? I fully agree with you, your ex projects her fear / anger etc on your son.

So no need to feel nervous to tell your son. Think about the husband. No big deal for him.

Good luck & best wishes.
 
Glad to hear it went so well! Her husband's reaction is a very good sign, even if your ex-wife has issues. I agree w/ not waiting to tell your son until their church finishes deliberating, or whatever. I would not give her a chance to indoctrinate him - although it doesn't sound like her husband would go along with that anyway.
 
Update -
I'm in quite a good mood today. This morning my emotions were very volatile, but a long workout at the gym brought some mental calm. Then my spirits have just gradually risen.

It is hitting me. I DID IT!!!! I'm not out of the closet completely, but the door is open and I've taken a step out. The more I think of that, the happier I get. I am understanding some of what other posters here say about coming out being such a wonderful step (Talking to you Rolyo!) I am seeing the truth to that Yes, being a 44 yo father makes it complicated, but regardless, it is so freeing to realize I am embarking on living my life on my terms.

(!)

I sent his mother an email thanking her for listening to me last night and I included a link to PFLAG in case she was interested. She replied back with a thoughtful response that showed that they are discussing it and she is thinking rationally about the situation. So I am optimistic.

She requests that I not tell my son on the U.S. Thanksgiving Holiday tomorrow, "Just in case he has a poor reaction, why have that occur on the holiday." As a gesture of cooperation, I told her I respect that and I will be telling him Friday morning. Besides, I want more time to get used to the idea that I did the big step last night. I am confident she will not spill it to him between now and then.

She said she and his stepdad think he should control the flow of information to people in the church, and it is not a good idea for her to just tell people in the context of the discussion. (I agree! Give him some sense of control!) She also clarified that the church position, which reassures me. They are trying to figure out how to handle the congregation's accepting view points with the denomination's official non-accepting viewpoint. They are even discussing how to try to influence the issue at the denomination level and how to advocate for acceptance. In retrospect, she was saying that last night, but I wasn't hearing it clearly. And, that is more in line of what I know of the church (I went there for about 5 years.) I honestly thought the denomination was accepting because of what I saw. So that front is looking better too.

Waiting to Friday also gives her thinking more time to evolve, so that she will be better able to handle questions from him. I queried him a little today about the stuff going on in the church and he said, "I don't see the big deal. People are people. And it doesn't affect me. So who cares?" That is encouraging. Granted, me being gay does affect him. But he has a base view of acceptance.

Things are looking up!
 
hi NCDogGuy,

Thanks for your update. I feel very sorry, but I disagree with your ex that you should not tell your son that you are gay.

Excuse me very much, but both 'arguments' (thanksgiving and church issues) are unvalid.

Excuse me very much, but what's that 'bullshit' (excuse me for being rude) of the people of this church? It does not seem to be your church, so why should you bother?

The husband is ok with gay guys, so this husband can also cope with all these church people who cannot cope with gays.

Besides that, I have the strong opinion that she (=your ex) must not decide what you should do with your private life.

Its your life, and the boy is your son. He has the right to know this kind of things about his dad. Right now, and without any delay.

And without ypu telling now, your ex has had the opportunity to tell it to him. I have the idea she will do this.

So tell him. You had promised this to us.

Excuse me very much, but your ex is trying to manipulate you.

Friday, she will have new arguments why you should not tell your son you are gay. And so on and so on.

Best wishes, and I feel very sorry that I need to tell this to you.
 
Thank you for the candor Ganoderma.

I will reflect on this, but my initial reaction is that my current plan will be ok.

Remember that we have an unusual relationship in that we are in regular contact to jointly parent my son. Preserving that is of utmost importance to me.

But, I post here to get opinions, and I will give this more thought.
 
I'm out to my son. That part is done.

I decided to stick to my original plan. This morning we got up and I took him to a restaurant we often eat breakfast at when we have a weekday off school and work. This is the gist of my "speech" to him:

I think you have noticed that I've been much happier over the past 6 months to a year or so. (Yes.) I want you to know why I've been so happy. This is why I'm often singing along with the radio, joking around all the time, and have been able to finally lose weight. This may be a surprise to you, or you may already suspect what I'm going to say. (No.) OK. Well, the reason I've been so happy is that I realized about a year or so ago that I'm gay. (Shocked expression.) This is something that it has taken me time to accept because I was taught that it is a bad thing. But it is not a bad thing. God made some of us so we're this way, and there is nothing wrong with being like this. Once I realized the way I felt was ok, I suddenly got much happier. So, that's what I wanted to say.
Click to expand...

He was very quiet and seemed to be trying to not cry. So, I got nervous and kept talking. It didn't hurt things, but I wish I had just stayed quiet at this point. I talked about some different things like this being why I do not let him use my cell phone, because my email with my new friends is there. He acted like it explained a lot. Then I said something like:

You need to know that I just told your mom and step dad Monday night. That was where I went right after I brought you home. So you can talk to them. And your stepdad said you can talk to him about it and he can help you. I like and trust him, and he is a safe person for you to talk to. I have also told your psychologist, so you can talk to him. Would you like to talk to him? (Yes.) [long pause] What are you feeling right now?
Click to expand...

He stumbled around and said he didn't know what to think. He said some disjointed things as he collected his thoughts. I said, "Let's go out to the car." because I was afraid he was about to start crying. He said OK.

We went out and I said that usually we feel one of four basic root feelings: Happy, sad, angry, afraid. He said he was feeling angry. Because at school the kids call each other gay as an insult and now it seems like they have been talking about me and I'm his dad and that makes him mad. And then he clammed up and would not talk more. So I said some things about what homophobia is and that when someone says something like that, it says something bad about them, not about me. It is no different than people using racial slurs, and I reminded him how an asian friend of his was called some racial things in grade school and how that made those kids look bad. It did not change what a great person his friend was.

I told him, "I want you to know I'm proud of you. You are handling this well. I've been talking to counselors about this for many months, and was thinking about it by myself for over a year before that. You just found out. So you are ok. You can ask me anything. Nothing will hurt my feelings, and no question or feeling is wrong. Do you understand? (Yes.) OK. Also, keep telling yourself that 'Dad loves me. Dad wanted to tell me this because he thinks I'm old enough to understand and know about this part of him." He said ok.

He was getting very fidgety by this point, so I drove us to a park with a lake, and we started walking the trail around the lake. I thought that would help both of us get our energy out. We didn't talk, but it did help.

After that, I suggested we go to a favorite arcade where we like to go play pinball, video games, and miniature golf. He said yes, and we went there for a couple of hours and had a lot of fun. Then we had lunch at a favorite restaurant.

We came home. And he started doing normal play activities he does. He is quiet, but seems ok and in a good mood. His mother just called and he went upstairs and is talking to her. I'm a little nervous about that, but she promised me she would be neutral or supportive. She has kept her other promises on this.

He clearly was caught off guard and had no idea. I am concerned that he not try to in effect protect me or worry about me being called names and such. I am glad I talked to his psychologist and his mom and step dad before telling him.

I think things will be ok, but I will not be surprised if we have some rough patches.

He keeps telling me he loves me and giving me hugs. So I don't know if that is because he is wanting reassured or because he is trying to reassure me. I think it is bad for kids to feel like they need to emotionally take care of their parents, so I will be watching for that and working with his psychologist if that happens.

Thank you for all the support and private messages. He is coming back from talking to her. He is going back to play with his model car, so I think the talk went ok.

I cannot believe I did it. I'm concerned about him, but I feel pretty darned good right now!
 
Well done, man. I can only imagine the courage these past few days must haven taken, and I am sure things will only get better from here on out. It sounds like you son took it fairly well, he probably just needs a bit of space to absorb everything, but it sounds like he is proud of you.

Let us know how things continue with you family. Congratulations! :)
 
Omg, my heart is racing, I'm on the verge of tears, and I am feeling all sorts of things for so many reasons. As someone approaching 40 and still struggling with my life and sexuality, your story has shown me so much.

Thanks for posting and congratulations on your progress.
 
I just have to say that I am extremely touched by your story. And I am so glad things have gone well. Your son talking about kids at school using the word gay as an insult and not wanting his dad to be ridiculed is so heartbreaking. But I so hope he can adjust to this and realize you will always be his father and you will always love him. I wish you the best, I sincerely do. I hope things get even better as time goes on.
 
Thanks for the good wishes. Today was great.

My son was normal. Just a typical Saturday.

My ex said on the issue of him being sensitive about gay slurs at school: I will tell him "those kids are not talking about your dad. They do not know your father and don't know what a great dad he is. They are just making themselves look stupid. Ignore them." ok. That is better than promising. That makes me hopeful she will be supportive of me with him.

I've been so up today. Giddy. Happy. A little voice is jumping up and down yelling: I did it! I did it! over and over.

I feel like I can face any challenging times that arise. The bad scenarios did not occur. Things will likely be ok.

Now I can start meeting more guys without being afraid. Yeah!

And the icing? Got on the scale at the gym. 205lbs. May get to 200 by new years. (started at 267 one year ago.)

But mainly,

I did it!

(!) :gogirl: (!)

:D
 
Hi NCDogGuy,

I've recently read your whole story and just wanted to say - :=D: :hurray: :=D: WELL DONE!

Look at what you achieved in just 4 months! :D

Being single, I wasn't myself in the exact same situation as you, but I did spot a few similarities between us in what you've said in your two threads.

When I first joined here 2 years ago, I was still living at home with my dad and already in my 30's, and I also made a long thread here about still being closeted, and I too had a first reaction of 'What the hell am I doing posting this on an online forum?" and then, like you, I got upset in the first few days, called a helpline on two occasions, tried to formulate a 'plan' to coming out much as you did.

In your case your overriding concern was your son, and in my case it was my father. I was as worried as you were about him having a disasterous reaction and our relationship being permanently damaged. And I kept postponing and dwelling, but I did FINALLY manage one evening to blurt it out in a rather panicky way. And, of course, he was fine and OK about it. I had been worrying about nothing.

It took me 6 months from start to finish, so you were even quicker than me! I think that your journey is all the more commendable, because I was never strictly speaking in denial when I started, just withdrawn. I think you've been remarkably courageous and insightful about your experiences.

And now in the 18 months since coming out I've moved away from home for the first time, and left the isolated rural community I grew up in behind, I've gone on a few pride parades, joined a few sporting clubs, vastly improved my social skills, etc. And my dad has been to visit me, and I even once showed him inside a gay bookshop (they had kinky items as well) and he laughed and was completely fine about it!

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm very happy that you've managed through the most difficult part, and I hope the best for you and your son in the future.

pride:
 
interesting and inspiring..
i hope someday you will post photo of you...want to see you..
 
I think that what you have managed to do is awesome.

Go for it bud. It can only get better.

Just always remember that your sex life, or who you sleep with, is your business, so dont ever let anyone impose on you.

Another thing to always remember is:-

Thank god (or whoever) we are normal.
 
Just a quick update since I get periodic questions about how things are going. I like lists. So here's the latest....
  1. For me, being "out" is awesome. No more paranoia when I doing stuff with groups of guys. No paranoia that someone will find a book, ask the wrong question and figure it out. It is liberating.
  2. Being close friends with a guy you have a serious crush on is a mixed blessing and requires serious heavy duty emotional boundaries. I'm not sure I will allow it to happen with anyone else. But I really value his friendship.
  3. Dating is scary, but fun. I've been on one official date. It went ok. I've been to some more social "mixers" I guess you'd call them. They went ok too. But because of (1), I'm a different guy at these than used to be! Very out-going, which is atypical. I often feel like, "Who am I?" because I'm much more outgoing than I used to be.
  4. Dating is fun. Meeting new people, as the real me (see #1) is great.
  5. Life at home is fairly unchanged. My son is doing ok, but is a bit stressed. He sees a counselor and his mother is helping him. And his step-dad is coming through as he promised.
  6. The coparenting arrangement is unchanged. My ex- is just as cooperative as before. She is awkward on the times I see her, but things are working out.

So, so far, so good! I'm relieved things went as they did. I know it wasn't guaranteed, and I'm just glad the risk payed off.

And weight loss continues. I'm going to hit 200 pounds before Christmas! Haven't weighed that since the late 80's! I'm still shocked that I enjoy exercising at the gym. Something about finally liking myself after all these years makes me want to do it!

;)
 
Congratulations on coming out and everything going so well. I'm sure your story will be inspiring to many guys with similar circumstances.
 
I'm really happy to hear how things are working out, good for you!
 
Great update!! I am sure your ex will come around, it has been 7 years for me and my ex , and we joke about it now.


It is bound to be awkward at first, she is getting used to a whole new person, and do not forget, so are you.

I am happy to hear it is going well. :wave:
 
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